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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to spend £4000

347 replies

amblers · 30/04/2021 21:58

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 01/05/2021 16:29

You can’t seriously imagine it’ll have disappeared into the ether and everyone will forget about it?!

If he can spend £4000 on his hobby whats to say she didn't spend £4000 on something else and loose the receipt, they have £50,000 savings I doubt he will be able to argue too much about where £4000 that he gave her has gone. Maybe she felt very generous and gave it away. If its not in a bank no one can prove otherwise.

Allergictoironing · 01/05/2021 16:32

To all the people saying she should have been working, I've seen this situation before in my family. He insisted on her working & paying her own way, but at the same time expected all the cooking, cleaning, washing etc to be done by her, dinner to be ready on the table whenever he wanted it, and also for her to help with all the outdoors maintenance plus his hobby. Oh, and to do all his business accounts for him as well.

In this case, the OP is expected to work but only in a job that means she's able to cater to all his needs e.g. all the "wife work", make sure she's home whenever he's likely to be in etc. With those constraints, the OP is very unlikely to get a well paid job, more like minimum wage. And because she's earning so little, he will expect her to still do everything in the house.

DinosaurDiana · 01/05/2021 16:33

I was told that solicitors ask for the last 12 months of bank accounts, so I would think about taking £300 a time out and putting it somewhere VERY safe. Then you could just say you spent it on stuff.
And you could always overpay your Next account from the joint account. Means you can buy stuff in the future and you won’t have to declare it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 16:39

@Hellocatshome

You can’t seriously imagine it’ll have disappeared into the ether and everyone will forget about it?!

If he can spend £4000 on his hobby whats to say she didn't spend £4000 on something else and loose the receipt, they have £50,000 savings I doubt he will be able to argue too much about where £4000 that he gave her has gone. Maybe she felt very generous and gave it away. If its not in a bank no one can prove otherwise.

We're at cross purposes.
The £4000 has already been offered to op; previous posters were advocating transferring 25k into another account and getting the fuck out of there.
Hellocatshome · 01/05/2021 16:42

We're at cross purposes.
The £4000 has already been offered to op; previous posters were advocating transferring 25k into another account and getting the fuck out of there.

Ah sorry things have moved on while I was away, you are right you absolutely can't do that!

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 16:46

Yeah, sorry Hello I had to scroll back to make sure I was on the right track myself!

blakeway45 · 01/05/2021 16:58

This is why I would never ever be financially reliant on another person.

Viviennemary · 01/05/2021 17:26

I wouldn't be either. Big mistake.

Snoozer11 · 01/05/2021 17:40

@ArcheryAnnie

And I’d argue it’s not

Then you are a twit who doesn't understand the economics of raising children, Alsohuman.

If the kids are old enough to look after themselves then you are fooling yourself if you think a SAHM isn't simply just unemployed.
ArcheryAnnie · 01/05/2021 18:23

But she's not unemployed, is she? She got a job, and is looking for more hours.

Which is not also to say that all the years being a SAHM will not have really dinged into her overall earning potential.

Pinkdormobile · 01/05/2021 18:32

@Viviennemary

I wouldn't be either. Big mistake.
That's really helpful. Not to mention smug and unkind. Well done!
ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 18:34

It's interesting the tone of this thread compared to the other one this evening - i that one OP has spent excess money after her share of the bills has been paid she has earnt on herself and her partner (who earns a lot less) has got the arse.....the OP is applauded for it and supported in her right to spend the saving money she has earnt as she wishes 🤔

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 18:35

@ivfgottwins

It's interesting the tone of this thread compared to the other one this evening - i that one OP has spent excess money after her share of the bills has been paid she has earnt on herself and her partner (who earns a lot less) has got the arse.....the OP is applauded for it and supported in her right to spend the saving money she has earnt as she wishes 🤔
Interesting.
ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 18:39

@GreyhoundG1rl

Yes MN double standards at its best 🤣

Men who earn less than their partners are Cocklodgers and the OP is encouraged to LTB

Men who earn more and dont share their money absolutely 50/50 are financially abusive and the OP is encouraged to LTB

This is the MN way

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 18:40

[quote ivfgottwins]@GreyhoundG1rl

Yes MN double standards at its best 🤣

Men who earn less than their partners are Cocklodgers and the OP is encouraged to LTB

Men who earn more and dont share their money absolutely 50/50 are financially abusive and the OP is encouraged to LTB

This is the MN way

[/quote]
It seems to be. Isn't it bizarre?!

JustLyra · 01/05/2021 18:59

@ivfgottwins

It's interesting the tone of this thread compared to the other one this evening - i that one OP has spent excess money after her share of the bills has been paid she has earnt on herself and her partner (who earns a lot less) has got the arse.....the OP is applauded for it and supported in her right to spend the saving money she has earnt as she wishes 🤔
Almost as if they are completely different scenarios...
Viviennemary · 01/05/2021 18:59

I was agreeing with another poster's opinion. Its not being smug. The smugness is the folk whose partners earn loads of money and everything's fine. Till things go wrong.

JustLyra · 01/05/2021 19:02

The pair on the other thread have the same amount of personal spends after they pay the bills proportionally. He spends his on a hobby and smoking. She saved hers for an iPad.

Calling him out for complaining about that is a totally different scenario to this one.

hibbledibble · 01/05/2021 19:10

I'm not sure why you have been content to be financially reliable for so long on someone who doesn't want you to be op? You need to find a decent income for yourself.

Rmka · 01/05/2021 19:43

People commenting above clearly didn't read or understood the whole thread.
The husband has been controlling all the finances always, OP has to beg for money for basic expenses and she had to do all childcare and housework. She doesn't have access to the shared account, but he controls her spending of inheritance money.
And from what I understand he's abusive in other ways too.
So no, it's not the same situation as the one from the other post.

CirclesWithinCircles · 01/05/2021 19:49

Oh for goodness sake, if he's that bad, you hate him so much and you can only consider him in financial terms, why have you spent years not working? It can't be all his fault. You have to take some responsibility for your own life.

I know so many couples who both have hobbies, sometimes shared, sometimes different. Only on mumsnet is having a hobby, especially one that keeps you fit, considered a negative thing.

An0n0n0n · 01/05/2021 19:56

Step 1. Take the 4k.

Step 2. Get a job to suit you and make him responsible for finding childcare - you DONT have to work around him.

  1. Work out an exit strategy.
StrangeLookingParasite · 01/05/2021 20:10

@Viviennemary

I'm getting a bit sick of well provided for people who don't earn a penny complaining. How very dare their partner spend money they have actually earned.
FFS
Original poster
amblers · 01/05/2021 20:28

@hibbledibble

I'm not sure why you have been content to be financially reliable for so long on someone who doesn't want you to be op? You need to find a decent income for yourself.
I haven't been content, what makes you think that. I haven't been in a free position to get a job. Child care is and always has been my responsibility.
OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/05/2021 20:33

But you could have booked a nursery or childminder and it doesn’t sound like your child is very young so no reason not to have worked other than your choice. Millions of parents work, it’s hardly hard to do both.

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