Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What makes kids exclude other kids?

303 replies

garnierfruit · 30/04/2021 20:49

When I was growing up I had a core group of friends however, depending on the day I would often be excluded from the group. Not allowed to play at break time, calling me names, not including me in sleepovers etc. We would always make up just for it to happen the next week yet I maintained that those were my friends and went through it until I started secondary school. I still remember being left out and it stung like a bitch.

It now seems to be happening to my daughter who is 7 (almost 8) in primary 3, in this friendship 'group' it seems to be her and two other girls and periodically the two other girls will leave her out, fall out with her etc. However, she does still have play dates with one of them and they get on fine during that.

I wonder if i am projecting my experiences on to my daughter but more frequently than not she will come home from school and say, 'me and friend had a fall out but I don't want to talk about it' so I never get details and it is always the same friend, she doesn't fall out with anyone else. Whenever I suggest playing with another group of kids she maintains that this girl is her best friend.

What causes these issues in specifically girls? Is it an issue with the person that's being left out? Or an issue with the person leaving them out? Do ALL children go through this? I just find it strange that we've both had the same type of experience.

OP posts:
SonnyWinds · 30/04/2021 21:00

I'm a teacher - I teach secondary so slightly older but here's my experience of reasons why girls would regularly exclude one from the group.

  1. They smell bad.
  2. They talk too much or say weird things.
  3. They're nasty and say nasty things.
  4. Their parents are invasive/controlling
  5. They can't keep secrets
  6. They steal boys (some girls, even in Y7 will pursue any boy they know their friend fancies).
  7. They eat weird food
  8. They're wearing something embarrassing - usually bright red lipstick or a big flower in their hair.
  9. They aren't actually friends with the girl but the girl follows them around a lot.
10. They have a party/event coming up with limited spaces/tickets and this girl isn't invited. 11. She reacts in a funny or dramatic way to being excluded or picked on. I have a student who completely flips out if her name is shortened (like Steph for Stephanie). So her friends do it ALL THE TIME because it's funny that she flips out. 12. She cries at almost nothing or is generally a drama queen. 13. They suck up to teachers or get others in trouble. 14. They're a "weak" child to start with so easy to victimise for a power boost (usually smaller, quieter, skinny etc). 15. They can't use technology or communicate with their friends outside of school 16. They aren't up to date on whatever the hot topic is (a TV show or a YouTube post or a new game etc) so they have nothing to contribute to the discussion.

There are way more reasons than this. In my experience, it goes in a circle though. Very rarely is one child excluded and not the others in the group - you just won't notice because you only really acknowledge it happening to you or someone you care about.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/04/2021 21:04

Oh my gosh, what a horrible, victim blaming list!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/04/2021 21:05

It’s often because the child is too nice ime - it’s often a very sweet, kind child who gets left out because they don’t play the game/ hit back (not meaning literally).

Blakey24 · 30/04/2021 21:08

My grandmother always used to say ‘twos a party, threes a crowd’. Often friendship groups of 3 can be difficult.

I can remember being left out of my friendship group too as a child. It was a larger group but I was on the outside of the circle I think.

Girls are a lot harder with friends etc than what boys are imo.

I don’t have much advice! But I hope it gets better for your daughter 💕

Divineswirls · 30/04/2021 21:09

@SonnyWinds

This is an excellent list I have to say and pretty much sums up all the reasons for girls being left out in my DD classes incl her at various times.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

It has nothing to do with a child being too nice. What utter nonsense.

PerspicaciousGreen · 30/04/2021 21:10

Fear. Someone starts it as a power trip, everyone else has to join in or else it will be them on the outside. It just reinforces itself as everyone is desperate to be IN "the group" so competes to exclude whoever's out to reinforce their own place.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 30/04/2021 21:11

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

It’s often because the child is too nice ime - it’s often a very sweet, kind child who gets left out because they don’t play the game/ hit back (not meaning literally).
^^ when people are too nice then they become a doormat over time. In a group of 3, its easier to piss off the doormat than the other girl because the girl who is too nice isn't going to give you a hard time.
ineedanewuaernsme · 30/04/2021 21:13

Wow @SonnyWinds aren't you a peach!

fdsit21 · 30/04/2021 21:13

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Oh my gosh, what a horrible, victim blaming list!

Perhaps, but it's likely the truth.

Hankunamatata · 30/04/2021 21:15

I have boys but girls seem to do this way more than boys in primary and it's a bigger problem. Niece is having this, we just encouraging her to play with others who treat you well as someone who leaves you out on purpose- are they really a friend

Aprilshowersandhail · 30/04/2021 21:15

Bitching begins very young ime..
Encourage your dc to have friends outside of school as well as in the classroom.

tensmum1964 · 30/04/2021 21:16

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Oh my gosh, what a horrible, victim blaming list!
Couldn't agree more.
lollipoprainbow · 30/04/2021 21:16

My dd 9 is like this too, always a friendship issue Hmmthink it's just girls in general to be honest.

Enidblyton1 · 30/04/2021 21:18

In my experience the girls who do the bullying often have something difficult happening at home - like parents arguing or going through a separation/divorce. These girls need to control something in their lives and picking on someone at school is an easy target.
There always seem to be girls who allow themselves to be on the receiving end of this. The bully keeps them close enough so the victim wants to be friends, and then they are nasty to them or exclude them. It’s a power trip. I’ve seen it in both of my children’s classes and remember it from my own school. Though I’ve seen it happen amongst boys too, not just girls. Three is a notoriously difficult number.

toiletbrushholder · 30/04/2021 21:19

@SonnyWinds really am so sorry you're a teacher, sounds like you hate kids.

PlayMemory · 30/04/2021 21:20

I'd like to know too OP. SonnyWinds's list is depressing but probably true.

I'd believe it's somewhat evolutionary, girls figuring out the pecking order which is more complex than with boys.

HughGrantsHair · 30/04/2021 21:20

I don't know why this happens but as a person working in the junior end of a primary school, I can say every girl has experienced exclusion from their friendship group at sometime this year. I am forever comforting upset girls.

Original poster
garnierfruit · 30/04/2021 21:21

Thanks for the replies, I do encourage her to play with others but she is so hell bent on the fact that 'friend is my best friend, I've known her since primary one, she is nice sometime' and on it goes. When she was at her dads last weekend he organised a play date with another lovely girl in her class, I ask why don't you play with her at school, her response - 'oh she's weird'.

It's like she is fixated on this 'friend' that doesn't treat her very well. My daughter has two cousins, she is very very very close to my nephew who is 10. Last night her, the friend and her cousin were playing on roblox, when I checked her phone later there were messages from her friend saying, 'just admit it you like your cousin more than me' and when daughter replied 'no' she responded 'yes you do'. It's just all a bit strange to be honest.

OP posts:
Aliceandthemarchhare · 30/04/2021 21:22

sonny Shock

In my experience it’s just something kids do. I’m not saying it’s right but it doesn’t have anything to do with smelling bad!

inmyslippers · 30/04/2021 21:22

I'd like to know too OP. SonnyWinds's list is depressing but probably true.

^^ I thought the same. Laws of the jungle

PlayMemory · 30/04/2021 21:23

Three is a notoriously difficult number.
True and yet so, so common IME. It seems to be always 3.

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/04/2021 21:23

At primary the girls doing the bullying tend to have issues. Some grow out of it while others can become the loners at secondary because of their issues.

Original poster
garnierfruit · 30/04/2021 21:23

@HughGrantsHair do the teachers disclose that information to the parents? Whenever I have asked the teacher at parents evening (phone call) how my daughter is getting on socially she always just says yes fine.

If there was genuine concern of exclusion/bullying going on, would this be flagged up to parents?

OP posts:
Scautish · 30/04/2021 21:24

reflecting, i think i was excluded because

  1. i had a physical deformity
  2. i was desperate to be part of a group even though the other girls seemed different
  3. i tried to hard - tried to copy what they were like
  4. wasn't really interested in fashion and other "girlie" things
  5. did like lego and the solar system (primary) - got teased for that
  6. Was a geek who loved science, learning and generally being studious (secondary)
  7. didn't pick up when people were being sarcastic to teasing at times so it made me an easy target to make fun of (and physical deformity helped them too)

didn't get diagnosed with Asperger's until my 40's - wish I'd known then as I wouldn't have tried to fit in so much, and then become full of self-loathing when i wasn't successful.

hopefully teachers are now more aware of autism and how it affects girls. but i think school kids still as nasty at times judging on stories my kids tell me.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 30/04/2021 21:25

@SonnyWinds

I'm a teacher - I teach secondary so slightly older but here's my experience of reasons why girls would regularly exclude one from the group.
  1. They smell bad.
  2. They talk too much or say weird things.
  3. They're nasty and say nasty things.
  4. Their parents are invasive/controlling
  5. They can't keep secrets
  6. They steal boys (some girls, even in Y7 will pursue any boy they know their friend fancies).
  7. They eat weird food
  8. They're wearing something embarrassing - usually bright red lipstick or a big flower in their hair.
  9. They aren't actually friends with the girl but the girl follows them around a lot.
10. They have a party/event coming up with limited spaces/tickets and this girl isn't invited. 11. She reacts in a funny or dramatic way to being excluded or picked on. I have a student who completely flips out if her name is shortened (like Steph for Stephanie). So her friends do it ALL THE TIME because it's funny that she flips out. 12. She cries at almost nothing or is generally a drama queen. 13. They suck up to teachers or get others in trouble. 14. They're a "weak" child to start with so easy to victimise for a power boost (usually smaller, quieter, skinny etc). 15. They can't use technology or communicate with their friends outside of school 16. They aren't up to date on whatever the hot topic is (a TV show or a YouTube post or a new game etc) so they have nothing to contribute to the discussion.

There are way more reasons than this. In my experience, it goes in a circle though. Very rarely is one child excluded and not the others in the group - you just won't notice because you only really acknowledge it happening to you or someone you care about.

IME it's usually much more about the girls doing the excluding, and their issues.

1 - they struggle with people who are different to them.
2 - they are emotionally immature.
3 - they have their own issues elsewhere (eg at home) and are projecting them onto others.
4 - they need power and in their limited experience, excluding others is the easiest way to get it.
5 - they feel an irrational need to suck up to those in power even if they realise that what they are doing is morally wrong eg bullying.
6 - they are obsessed with technology.
7 - they have a very limited sphere of interest, often based round whatever the 'hot topic' is, and are unable to cope with others who have wider interests.
8 - the person they are excluding makes them feel inferior in some way - taller, more attractive, fewer skin problems, etc.
9 - they are insecure in their relationships with boys, and misread situations to believe that other girls are pursuing boys they fancy.
10 - they're dicks.