AIBU to feel awkward at this type of joke?

[Gullible2021]

I’m an MNer, just namechanged (Sistine screamer, softzilla, snapped and farted).

Is it just me who ends up feeling a bit embarrassed and never knows how I’m supposed to react when I’m joked with in the following manner?

I placed an food order today at a local independent food bar via an app. I received a message saying it would be ready at x time.

I arrived, there were about 5 staff there and I think one customer (he was standing around in front of the counter chatting with staff). I said “hello, I’ve come to pick up my order, please. It’s for Jane.”

Dead pan, one of the staff said in quite a haughty tone;

“Yeah, that won’t actually be ready for collection for another 45 minutes to an hour I’m afraid.”

I was quite confused, I’d travelled a fair distance and it would be out of my way to come back, and I got my phone out to check I hadn’t made a mistake. I said,

“I’m really sorry...the app said to come at this time. Just give me a sec, I can show you.”

And he was just staring at me and there was an awkward silence. Then the man I think was a customer said,

“Look love, I know his sense of humour, he’s having you on!”

I looked back up and the man who worked there who made the “joke” wordlessly handed me my meal. It had been right next to him behind the counter the whole time. The other people present laughed. I felt really stupid. A couple of people said “haha your face was a picture” type comments. I kind of wanted the ground to swallow me up. Only one (female perhaps unsurprisingly!) member of staff said “that was weird, what is he like?”

It was only when I got in my car I realised that really it wasn’t actually funny, joke or not and surely the purpose of that kind of joke is just to embarrass the customer rather than actually involve them in something that’s genuinely fun?

I’ve also experienced similar when ordering in restaurants etc

“Please can I have the tomato soup to start with?”

“I’m really sorry we don’t have any.”

“Ok, I’ll have the halloumi then.”

“No halloumi either!”

“Oh...right...erm I’ll just go straight to the main...”

“Haha I’m only joking!!! What is it you want soup or halloumi? Your face was hilarious there!”

And even with friends I’ve have similar experiences through the years. Am I just really humourless or easily embarrassed, or is it actually just about taking the piss out of someone and laughing at their expense?

The pizza express thing is horrifying. I was in an abusive relationship and my ex would accuse me of cheating for no reason at all so something like that could have put me in real danger. The rest of it sucks too. I was bullied at school and find the idea of being the subject of other people's jokes absolutely mortifying.

I reply with misogyny comes in many mysterious forms . And just stand and stare at them .

I worked as bar staff years ago and was warned that a favourite trick of - shall we say -,older male customers was to not hand over the cash but to wave it around out of reach. I was told they only did it to young female staff but that the response that worked was to simply say to the next person in the queue, sorry, I’ll be able to serve you when this customer has paid, whereupon the usually make next customer would tell him to pay me in quite frank language and the idiot would hand over the ££.
Still gets to me now when I think about it.

@Maray1967

I worked as bar staff years ago and was warned that a favourite trick of - shall we say -,older male customers was to not hand over the cash but to wave it around out of reach. I was told they only did it to young female staff but that the response that worked was to simply say to the next person in the queue, sorry, I’ll be able to serve you when this customer has paid, whereupon the usually make next customer would tell him to pay me in quite frank language and the idiot would hand over the ££. Still gets to me now when I think about it.

Oh god, yes, this brings back crappy memories.

I used to get these types of 'jokes' when I worked in retail. Always men. Convinced they did it as you couldn't call then out on it on the shopfloor and had to be polite.

@Ineedaduvetday god yes, I worked in retail as a student and I'd honestly go hungry than work in retail again because apparently female retail workers are the public's playthings.

I also did waitressing and it was rife for men doing this. I remember being 19 and serving a really large, obnoxious table. It was quite a posh place and We were told to tell the customers their order when placing it down - eg "Smoked Salmon for the lady" etc (you'd be amazed the number of people who'd forgotten what they'd ordered 15 minutes ago). For this table I brought a champagne sorbet along as a starter. One twat said "ice cream for starters, you having a laugh?". I smiled (grimaced) and said " champagne sorbet with mint dressing for the gentleman" and he roared "HAHAHAHAHA I know it's champagne sorbet not ice cream, you didn't need to tell me, I was winding you up, your face HAHAHAHA" and his twat cronies laughed their heads off. They'd ordered the 7 course tasting menu and so I saw them a lot that night and based on that joke they took the piss all night. For example - "now don't tell me - this is a steak, yes?" I guess it made a change from being sexually assaulted constantly. But it really pissed me off, we were very much told to never upset or talk back to the customer (even when we were getting our bums pinched) but looking back I wish I'd said something. IIRC they left a really crappy tip too. This was almost 20 years ago but never, ever again would I do any kind of job like that.

So weird! Am I the only one who hasn't gotten these jokes?

If someone said something innocuous like 'sorry we're out of stock/it'll take a bit longer' then said they were joking...I would probably just say 'OK?' What's funny about that?

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Ineedaduvetday god yes, I worked in retail as a student and I'd honestly go hungry than work in retail again because apparently female retail workers are the public's playthings.

I also did waitressing and it was rife for men doing this. I remember being 19 and serving a really large, obnoxious table. It was quite a posh place and We were told to tell the customers their order when placing it down - eg "Smoked Salmon for the lady" etc (you'd be amazed the number of people who'd forgotten what they'd ordered 15 minutes ago). For this table I brought a champagne sorbet along as a starter. One twat said "ice cream for starters, you having a laugh?". I smiled (grimaced) and said " champagne sorbet with mint dressing for the gentleman" and he roared "HAHAHAHAHA I know it's champagne sorbet not ice cream, you didn't need to tell me, I was winding you up, your face HAHAHAHA" and his twat cronies laughed their heads off. They'd ordered the 7 course tasting menu and so I saw them a lot that night and based on that joke they took the piss all night. For example - "now don't tell me - this is a steak, yes?" I guess it made a change from being sexually assaulted constantly. But it really pissed me off, we were very much told to never upset or talk back to the customer (even when we were getting our bums pinched) but looking back I wish I'd said something. IIRC they left a really crappy tip too. This was almost 20 years ago but never, ever again would I do any kind of job like that.[/quote]
You tell this story so evocatively. Ugh. Awful

I've had the same situation happen to me many times, I hate this kind of 'humour' and it's fucking twattish.
One time was when I was collecting my car keys from a corner shop, which was next to the garage my car had been at. (I had to collect the car after the garage had closed for the day) The man at the till said that he was expecting payment to release my keys. I was genuinely worried for a sec, saying this wasn't what had been agreed with the garage. Then the inevitable 'only joking love HAHAHA' I'm wiser to it now so I just laughed thinking, 'fuck you wanker, give me my keys so I can go home' it was the end of a very tiring workday
My theory is men who do this kind of joke get off on confusing and humiliating someone, because they secretly lack self esteem themselves, plus some good old mysogny. Definitely a power play thing. I instantly know to avoid someone if they do this kind of thing.
Let us know which bar this is so we can all leave bad reviews en masse

@Will0wtree Complain to Waitrose! Get that twat in trouble

@daisychain01

It's the bloody gaslighting that goes with this sort of shit, that gets me

"Can't you take a joke?"

No, you wanker, you're the joke! And yes it's always men. It's showing women that they've got the power and the upper hand by humiliating us.

yes, they wouldn't dare do it to a man, in case they get a fist to the face in response. it's a way of laughing at women, looking down on them, as if at smaller kids in the playground, yar-boo, what you gonna do about it. it's definitely an assertion of power. very juvenile and immature. and thoroughly nasty.

My BIL is often like this at get togethers - to the extent that's it's been good not to see him during lockdown for the past year. I seem to get caught out every time - we'll be chatting as a family group and he'll ask something like how things are going at work and feign interest. I'll chat back and respond that things are fine but a bit busy at times and he'll then roar back in response in mock sympathy 'oh yeh we all know that Cortexjob is so so hard, all that sitting about doing nothing drinking coffee must be a pain, poor you'. I just want the floor to open up. It feels like I've been drawn in hook, line and sinker when we're chatting away about general stuff and he suddenly turns on me and cruelly mocks something I've said to get a laugh. It's not just done to me - yet everyone else thinks he's the life and soul of the party.

Hate it when men are like that, and especially when they do it to children. I’ve had waiters pretend they don’t have things on the menu or pretend to give the children the bill and it’s not funny when the child doesn’t get it. One Halloween some twat was like that with DS when he was about six. He just walked off in the end without any sweets because he was sick of the man playing games with him.
I remember a restaurant in Portugal where they presented my chicken but said it was rabbit as a joke. The joke being (I think) that someone British would be horrified by rabbit. It wasn’t at all funny and just really awkward.

I've had this.

My dp overheard the exchange and went for him verbally. Told him that he wouldn't have done it if he'd have asked for the item as he was a bloke and he was a knob and did he like making jokes at the expense of women. Oh and shove it up your arse, we'll go elsewhere.

And out we walked. The silence was amazing. Especially as it was full of customers.

I'm so relieved to read this thread. We need to call this stuff out and I'm not lacking in confidence but it somehow never makes you feel like you actually can at the time. It's always totally unexpected and when you're on your own ime.

We have one of these twats in our local supermarket. He acts like a landlord who's missing his pub. Loves his blokey regulars, a total bellend to those he isn't trying to impress.

For years I've tolerated him and his sarky banter and tried to avoid his till. Last weekend I went in and heard him taking the piss out of my tone of voice as I was leaving, to the colleague who had served me.

I reported him to head office when I got home. Had enough of him. I felt exactly that humiliated feeling you describe, op. It's so bafflingly unnecessary to behave like that. It probably took me 25 experiences to actually report him. Doubt he'll change.

@carlycornwall it’s such small dick energy isn’t it!

I think it’s worse when they do it to children. At least as an adult you can recognise that it’s a dickhead move though still really shitty especially if the dynamic is that you’re at work and they’re a customer. Children are just learning how the world works and trying to gain confidence in it. An adult mocking them or making them feel stupid can really dent their confidence and make them think they did something wrong.

@NinaMimi

I think it’s worse when they do it to children. At least as an adult you can recognise that it’s a dickhead move though still really shitty especially if the dynamic is that you’re at work and they’re a customer. Children are just learning how the world works and trying to gain confidence in it. An adult mocking them or making them feel stupid can really dent their confidence and make them think they did something wrong.

It takes a total bellend to pull this shit on children.

There was someone who used to work at the local Royal mail delivery office who used to joke around with customers in an embarrassing way. A dad on the school run who worked there told me he was sacked because the husband of a woman he said something to complained. I don't know what was said. Must have been quite bad I guess. Was a few years ago

It takes a total bellend to pull this shit on children.

An uncle used to do this to me as a child. Affected my confidence, convinced me I was a gullible fool well into adulthood. 😢

@EdithGrantham

Best thing is to ask them to explain the joke "Sorry, I don't get it?" They explain it was just a joke etc "I still don't get it, which part am I meant to laugh at?"

Perfect way to turn the joke back on them.

If it's going well you can take it all the way to analysis "So you enjoy seeing confusion and distress on people's faces. Why do you think you enjoy this? Do you feel you lack autonomy and direction? Do you feel resentful when you're serving others?"

I see your "awkward" and raise it mate!

He is an idiot. I can’t see it as funny at all. I would have said “Is that supposed to be funny...hmmm well whatever” and taken it with a bored look.

I thunk the best response it to ask them their name, and the best way to leave a review of the service online.
if they get defensive/blustery, ask then if they cant take a joke :)

@Synthesiser

There was someone who used to work at the local Royal mail delivery office who used to joke around with customers in an embarrassing way. A dad on the school run who worked there told me he was sacked because the husband of a woman he said something to complained. I don't know what was said. Must have been quite bad I guess. Was a few years ago

Based on what I’ve read on MN it was probably a loud “Here’s your Ann Summers/Love Honey/New Vibrator Mrs Smith! Have a nice weekend!” with a big wink.

I once had that in Aldi... “ay ay what are all these batteries for? Someone’s going to have a fun weekend.” With a wink.

I started reading this thread thinking that I’m glad it hasn’t happened to me. But as I read other women’s stories, I thought ‘yes, I recognise that’.

The wanker at the train station who told me that my weekly ticket was going to cost what a monthly ticket would cost. He said it two or three times before saying ‘just a joke, love’. At which point I said something along the lines of ‘give me my ticket at the correct price now. I can see my train coming and if I miss it I will be making a formal complaint about you’. He was huffy but I caught the train (and paid for the correct season ticket).

There was the bus driver who refused to open the doors for me at the end of the line. Yes, I was only 17 and there was no one else on board. I can’t remember how I dealt with that one.

Men can be such fucking wankers!