AIBU to feel awkward at this type of joke?

[Gullible2021]

I’m an MNer, just namechanged (Sistine screamer, softzilla, snapped and farted).

Is it just me who ends up feeling a bit embarrassed and never knows how I’m supposed to react when I’m joked with in the following manner?

I placed an food order today at a local independent food bar via an app. I received a message saying it would be ready at x time.

I arrived, there were about 5 staff there and I think one customer (he was standing around in front of the counter chatting with staff). I said “hello, I’ve come to pick up my order, please. It’s for Jane.”

Dead pan, one of the staff said in quite a haughty tone;

“Yeah, that won’t actually be ready for collection for another 45 minutes to an hour I’m afraid.”

I was quite confused, I’d travelled a fair distance and it would be out of my way to come back, and I got my phone out to check I hadn’t made a mistake. I said,

“I’m really sorry...the app said to come at this time. Just give me a sec, I can show you.”

And he was just staring at me and there was an awkward silence. Then the man I think was a customer said,

“Look love, I know his sense of humour, he’s having you on!”

I looked back up and the man who worked there who made the “joke” wordlessly handed me my meal. It had been right next to him behind the counter the whole time. The other people present laughed. I felt really stupid. A couple of people said “haha your face was a picture” type comments. I kind of wanted the ground to swallow me up. Only one (female perhaps unsurprisingly!) member of staff said “that was weird, what is he like?”

It was only when I got in my car I realised that really it wasn’t actually funny, joke or not and surely the purpose of that kind of joke is just to embarrass the customer rather than actually involve them in something that’s genuinely fun?

I’ve also experienced similar when ordering in restaurants etc

“Please can I have the tomato soup to start with?”

“I’m really sorry we don’t have any.”

“Ok, I’ll have the halloumi then.”

“No halloumi either!”

“Oh...right...erm I’ll just go straight to the main...”

“Haha I’m only joking!!! What is it you want soup or halloumi? Your face was hilarious there!”

And even with friends I’ve have similar experiences through the years. Am I just really humourless or easily embarrassed, or is it actually just about taking the piss out of someone and laughing at their expense?

@GreyhoundG1rl

Any further questions? No, thanks 😂 Maybe it's your snippiness that sees you always being the target, even in the middle of a crowd?

@GreyhoundG1rl Just fuck off would you please

Hate this. I wonder if there's some kind of thick eejit version of a hero complex behind it, where they think you'll be relieved, pleased and grateful to them when they reveal that your day isn't ruined, after all?

Taking them at their word can be effective in some circumstances; I discovered this accidentally.
My best friend was getting married, and I was honoured to be trusted with making, not just my own bridesmaid's dress, but her future SIL's. Beautiful pale yellow and trimmed with white broderie anglaise. As you can imagine, I was paranoid about keeping the fabric pristine while working, sheet over the carpet etc.
I went round to my friend's house to do a fitting of the almost completed dress, (levelling the hem with the wedding shoes on). My friend's future FIL was there as well, to see his DD in her almost completed finery. I made some comment about how keeping everything pristine had been a worry, so he decided to entertain us all by remarking, "Oh, that's a shame, I can see a black mark round the back!"
I'm quite a nifty needlewoman, but doing work for other people was a new thing and I was very nervous, so I may have over-reacted when I burst into tears, but apparently that was the joke!
Of course he then said he didn't mean it, but slightly wickedly, I opted to continue with the tears for quite a while, claiming that they were only saying there was no dirty mark to cheer me up....eventually, I was "convinced" that "he was only joking", "there really wasn't a dirty mark", but I didn't stop until he looked genuinely uncomfortable about the upset he had caused.
My friend told me later that his DW had Had Words later, as he had previous form for this sort of unfunny joke.

How odd, how unprofessional. I've never had this. The advantage of rbf

Best thing is to ask them to explain the joke "Sorry, I don't get it?" They explain it was just a joke etc "I still don't get it, which part am I meant to laugh at?"

Agree. This is my go to in such a circumstance.
Just keep repeating, ‘you said it wouldn’t be ready for 45mins but it was right there, I don’t get it, what’s funny, I’m very confused’ and keep on at it. Repeat and repeat. ‘Sorry, I didn’t understand your answer. I still don’t understand why you said it wouldn’t be ready for 45 ........’. They will be far more uncomfortable and embarrassed than you will be. Dicks.

The faux confusion and "can you explain the joke please" also works really well when someone tells a sexist or racist joke. Because after they've explained it you can do a whole passive aggressive "oh so you're being racist, right I didn't get it at first because I myself am not a racist and don't find racism funny". You won't win friends but you'll embarrass a total prick and that's more important

Another tactic...laugh so much so that you look a bit nuts. Until they look concerned or uncomfortable themselves. Then stop, issue withering look and leave.

I get these kind of remarks from customers all the time. I think they believe it's funny because to them, what they say or what they're suggesting is preposterous and therefore funny to suggest. They then act like you are slow not to get the joke.

What they don't know is I deal with customers who do actually do and say these "preposterous" things in all seriousness and if you laugh at those people you get a shouty tirade from them.

I can only assume they don't work in retail and don't realise how demanding and unreasonable some of the general public can be sometimes, and we don't know whether they're the joker or the arsehole.

I was once behind a woman in a bar who dealt with this sort of thing beautifully. Usual situation, her boyfriend had got the first round in without aggro. She went up for a round and asked for a pint to be told it was off draft so she asked for an alternative , same again, then a third time. Big shiteating grin from the bar man. She said (with a smile) ok we’ll head off then and told him to cancel the table for eight booked for about half hour later. Knob-boy started to stutter about a joke and she just held her ground and was scrupulously polite as she told him to cancel her table. Manager comes flying out and tries to recover the situation, she remained massively polite and said that she understood they had supply problems and that these things happen. Not to worry, she’d find an alternative, etc. It went on past buttock clenching to an excruciating point beyond the event horizon, and never once did she break her polite, understanding, sympathetic face. All was resolved, table confirmed, free drinks given and knob boy given a discreet but massive bollocking by the manager. And she glided back to her partner and sat down with a smile. I wanted to stand up and applaud.

I recall many years ago, I was around 20 or 21. I brought my first serious boyfriend to a family Boxing Day buffet. about 30 members of my family were there and one of my usually lovely uncles made a similar joke at my expense that really embarrassed me.

That uncle passed away tragically about 15 years later (I'm 40 now) and do you know what I think of every time I think about my beloved uncle?
That awful moment of everyone looking at me, tears of embarrassment stinging my eyes and my cheeks and neck actually burning bright red.

One stupid joke has ruined all my memories of him. I know it's ridiculous but I can't help that it's the first thing I think of when I think of my late uncle.
Maybe it was my horrible shyness at the time and huge nerves of introducing my new (and much older) boyfriend to the family and my uncle made me feel like a silly little child in front of my BF and everyone who meant anything to me.

I never find jokes intended to confuse or humiliate people funny. Ever.

I agree OP, I hate shit like this.

My own experience of this was when I was a bridesmaid at a wedding.

The registrar was filling out paperwork prior to the ceremony and needed to know the bride's father's middle name for the document. I didn't know it so instead of disturbing my friend who was off having pictures taken, I asked her brother instead. He purposely gave me the wrong name and thought it was utterly hilarious when he told me a few minutes later. Trouble was that the registrar had filled out the wedding certificate with the wrong details (in beautiful calligraphy) and the whole thing had to be started again.

He got in a lot of trouble for that with his mum, the bride and the venue for wasting everyone's time, but of course "no one knew how to take a joke".

Bloody test. And yes to it always being stupid inadequate men playing these 'jokes' on women.

Auto correct. Test should read Twat!

Auto correct. Test should read Twat!

I'm one of those people who looks at the keyboard to work out which letters should have been used and figured it out!

@Ratonastick

I was once behind a woman in a bar who dealt with this sort of thing beautifully. Usual situation, her boyfriend had got the first round in without aggro. She went up for a round and asked for a pint to be told it was off draft so she asked for an alternative , same again, then a third time. Big shiteating grin from the bar man. She said (with a smile) ok we’ll head off then and told him to cancel the table for eight booked for about half hour later. Knob-boy started to stutter about a joke and she just held her ground and was scrupulously polite as she told him to cancel her table. Manager comes flying out and tries to recover the situation, she remained massively polite and said that she understood they had supply problems and that these things happen. Not to worry, she’d find an alternative, etc. It went on past buttock clenching to an excruciating point beyond the event horizon, and never once did she break her polite, understanding, sympathetic face. All was resolved, table confirmed, free drinks given and knob boy given a discreet but massive bollocking by the manager. And she glided back to her partner and sat down with a smile. I wanted to stand up and applaud.

In the world of impro (improvisational theatre), the genius that is Keith Johnstone defines this as “Happy, High Status.”

It’s almost impossible to “win” against someone who remains firm, happy, calm, polite, and friendly—and who recognises she has boundaries and options.

Hate this OP. I’ve worked with people like this, thinking that embarrassing someone is the same as a joke and the inevitable ‘oh your face was so funny, look how red you got’ after it. It’s horrible.
At one job I had the guy who worked in the canteen was like this, I used to dread him serving me. He was mixed race and once I asked for white bread and he basically accused me of being a racist because I didn’t want the brown bread. In front of dozens of people. He thought it was hilarious. I wanted to die. Didn’t go back after that.

@OhRene that's not ridiculous at all, what a horrible prick he sounded like.

@Ratonastick

I was once behind a woman in a bar who dealt with this sort of thing beautifully. Usual situation, her boyfriend had got the first round in without aggro. She went up for a round and asked for a pint to be told it was off draft so she asked for an alternative , same again, then a third time. Big shiteating grin from the bar man. She said (with a smile) ok we’ll head off then and told him to cancel the table for eight booked for about half hour later. Knob-boy started to stutter about a joke and she just held her ground and was scrupulously polite as she told him to cancel her table. Manager comes flying out and tries to recover the situation, she remained massively polite and said that she understood they had supply problems and that these things happen. Not to worry, she’d find an alternative, etc. It went on past buttock clenching to an excruciating point beyond the event horizon, and never once did she break her polite, understanding, sympathetic face. All was resolved, table confirmed, free drinks given and knob boy given a discreet but massive bollocking by the manager. And she glided back to her partner and sat down with a smile. I wanted to stand up and applaud.

Absolutely wonderful. This is always what I aspire to. Remain disappointed but understanding, and earnestly labour the point until everyone else involved wishes they were dead.

My friend's MIL has form for this. Gave her 7 year old tiny crappy Christmas present in large box and made out that was all he was getting until well into the afternoon. Seemed to think ruining Christmas Day (pre CV19) for the poor boy was hilarious.

I'm just honestly happy for complete strangers to think I'm a bit thick. I used to get terribly embarrassed and flustered in case they thought I was a gullible mug, but now I genuinely don't mind if they think I'm a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic or have no sense of humour. I mean, I don't mind if other people are a bit slow on the uptake so why should I mind if other people think it of me?

I totally sympathise, but I’d never manage the comebacks. I’d be in too much stuttering confusion. I’m sure the theory of it being done by men to humiliate unobtainable women is correct. There are advantages to being an invisible older woman though, as it happen much less to me nowadays.

I encountered this kind of thing when I was working behind a bar as a young woman. Funnily enough it mostly evaporated as I got older and more confident.

It last happened a couple of years ago, I was going into a theatre and saw someone I knew on the door. He pretended he couldn't let me in because of my previous behaviour. I literally just raised my eyebrows and he backed down stuttering about jokes.

I agree it's generally done by not terribly bright men trying to assert dominance over women. Letting the joke fall flat with a "pardon? Sorry? A joke? How so?" type of response is probably the best way to go.

I have tended to see the funny side and laughed at my self when similar things have happened. However, everyone is different, and I would not personally risk embarrassing a customer in this very public way.

It really is about making the other person feel uncomfortable and shitty isnt it. Anyone who gets a kick out of this is an arse. IMHO

At my very first job after uni there was a security guard just like this. Making “jokes” as I came in, - you can’t come in there’s been a fire alarm, (making me wait outside in the rain) .. the lifts are broken you need to use the stairs. ...I was on the 5th floor....I used to wonder if it was just me that didn’t get his humour but no he was just a dick.

And you,re right it is always men doing this to women...