Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

@namechangemarch21 tbh you sound like op. Not seeing ribs is hardly a big deal! The dietician wasn't concerned, so why are you?

Oh god, I can relate to this to some extent - both my husband and I are fit and slim, both have large appetites but eat healthily. At his 2.5y check I was told my eldest was overweight. To me, he did not look fat - as in squishy - but he was undeniably a very stocky child. I was told to feed him healthy food at first - at this point I think the poor child had had about three tastes of chocolate in his ENTIRE LIFE - and when I explained that his diet was very healthy, the HV then said to cut down on his portions.

It COMPLETELY stressed me out. I was then constantly monitoring (in my head) what he ate, stressed when other family members gave him extra food, stressed about him having treats, stressed about looking at him next to other children and comparing their bodies in my head. I never let my son become aware of any of this, but it was a constant worry for me. It was so so upsetting. I have never had a problem with food myself, have always eaten what I wanted to eat, never been on a diet, and I was absolutely terrified that I had done something wrong that had made my child an overeater.

I still worry about this a bit (he's 5 now) but his appetite has slowed down a little bit recently, and he looks a little more in proportion than he used to. He has treats much more regularly these days (although is obsessed with sugar, which I am sure I have partially caused by restricting it earlier on) and I am trying to just be relaxed about food. If he's hungry when he gets home from school, I give him a load of raw veg, or some fruit. Dinner is served early (usually before 5pm) so he doesn't have to wait too long.

I think if your children are happy when they have as many healthy snacks as they want - just give them the healthy snacks. Good luck x

I think children’s calorie needs are weird. I have a really skinny 6 year old who will eat a bigger portion at dinner than me sometimes. Other days he’s not too bothered.

I’d say the fixation and various restrictions on food is driving it a bit. It’s made it into a big thing for you and them, so is at the forefront of everyone’s mind. This has probably exacerbated them always thinking about and wanting food. Take away the restrictions, let them fill up on as much healthy and fat/ protein rich food as they like and hopefully this will stop them fixating on food so much as it will no longer be an “issue” (in their minds at least).

Are they getting plenty of fat as well as protein? Is it possible they have any deficiencies?

I was an overweight child and wanted food constantly, I ate when I was bored (I get bored easily, possible ADHD being investigated, I also have awful anxiety) and I ate more when my mother made it an issue and I was told I shouldn’t or couldn’t eat foods because that then made me fixate on food. I was made to feel ashamed of it. I had eating disorders in my teens/ early twenties and although I am a healthy weight now, I still struggle with my relationship with food sometimes. Let go of the control a bit and they’ll find their own balance, otherwise you risk instilling in them an unhealthy relationship with food for the rest of their lives.

I don’t think they eat big portions. 1.5 weetabix and a banana is a normal portion surely. Most children eat 1-2 weetabix depending on hunger. Just give them 2 instead.

My just turning 1 year old eats a toddler bowl of porridge, and a whole banana min for breakfast. Sometimes he then snacks on Cheerios / blueberries whilst we finish.

I think what you give then sound alike normal to small portions for average children who are active. If they are active they are probably hungry still. Just let them eat more. As long as it’s healthy, it’s fine. They can’t go around constantly hungry.

How are you and your DH built? Is one of you big built?

We had snacks in the 80s. "Elevensies" at home (cup of tea and a biscuit.) At primary we chose something from our lunchbox (as my kids now do). At secondary canteen was open!

Most friends had an afterschool snack. We didnt but both sets of my grandparents had "tea" in the afternoon. They'd stop for a cup of tea and often slice of cake, or teacake or banana bread or scone.

All very healthy as all other meals were homecooked and full of veg!

OP your kids sound hungry!

Breakfast: glass of milk, weetabix (1.5 each and a bit more if still hungry) banana -
Is the milk full fat? It should be.
Snack: chopped up apple and cubes of cheese - try skipping the cheese

Lunch: omelette with cucumber and tomatoes and yogurt or cheese and marmite sandwich, veggie crisps and a couple of quorn mini sausages

Try upping the veg.

Snack: organix type cereal bar thing, fish sticks, hummus and pitta or similar
Ditch the cereal bar

Dinner: lasagna and sweet corn or home made pizza or tomato and veggie pasta or similar
More veg needed.

Milk before bed

It looks like a lot of food, OP, and isn't that high in veg.

If the HV and GP are telling you that your DC are obese, they probably are.

I would ditch Ellyn Satter whoever she is, you're obsessing far too much about food, no wonder your children are too. Their diet seems fine, maybe give them a bigger breakfast, porridge is very filling.

Sorry but why are you portion-controlling healthy meals? They should be eating their fill of healthy food at mealtimes. They're growing fast, and naturally their appetites will too.

And how can they be obese without looking obese?

As others have said, I think the problem's all in your head.

I can definitely relate to the worry.

My 6 year old has always eaten more than any other child I know, and I also felt it was ruining every day.

I worried a lot as he was constantly asking for food, no matter what we were doing, didn't stop, would scream if you stopped him before he was sick and even the nursery spoke to me about his seemingly obsession with eating. It was indeed, very embarrassing.

Over the last year, there seems to have been a big change, and he no longer seems so needing food all the time. He still eats more than others, but will occasionally say he's full which has been really reassuring to know he can self regulate.

However, your list of food looks not that big, and perhaps it wouldn't hurt to relax the rules a little.

If they don't look overweight and are muscular/sporty are they actually overweight? BMI isn't necessarily an accurate reflection.

Are the 7-8 clothes your 6yo wears too long? My DDs were always a couple of years ahead of their real age in clothes, but that was because they were tall (I had to dart waistbands, so much sewing!). And yes, they did also weigh more than their peers, that comes with the territory. They don't sound huge to me, and your normal day's food doesn't sound like loads either.

I addressed it with exercise with my son. See if you can have them out and about for long periods, at the weekends.

I'm slightly surprised about them being very chilled and calm on the very few 'no rules' days you instate. It as if they have a kind of out of the ordinary need to eat and only this can satisfy a desire. This observation of yours would surely be of interest to a professional who were helping you.

I'm sure getting some dedicated help will make you feel better, as it will be someone to support you and seconding your approach, and saying you are not doing something wrong. This is the aspect which must be worrying you, I'm sure.

If the help you are getting through the GP isn't effective, then I would think about engaging a private dietician - especially for your elder child, who is going to find it easier to respond to questions about how he is feeling about his desire for food. It is a difficulty, I agree, feeling that teachers, etc will be assuming you aren't offering controlled portions.
Working with the school will be good, as the teachers will be able to comment on how the school day goes; tiredness, and any other symptoms. I hope you can find a member of staff who you can trust and who can work with you to help you.

I hope you find the help you need. Other than that, just melon and carrot and other foods you can eat in bulk without gaining too much weight. If they like the sensation of crunching, corn cakes are good.

Interesting username OP

It doesn't sound like they eat an extreme amount at all from what you've listed. When my brother was a toddler he would eat more in a day than my dad. He'd easily eat three Weetabix for breakfast by the time he was going to school. One and a half Weetabix is not an extreme portion for a six year old child. It does sound like you're obsessing over perfectly healthy children. If they don't look overweight then they probably aren't. Some people do just weigh heavier than others, which I know sounds like the old, "I'm just big boned" excuse but you said there are no signs of 'fat' on your children, they are active, fit and muscular, and have always been high on the centile chart. If they had suddenly jumped up the centiles or suddenly got a double chin/rolls on their stomachs then yes, you'd be right to take action but it sounds like you are just obsessing and over monitoring the food intake of healthy, fit, string children. Highly regulating food and leaving them constantly hungry will do more damage than them continuing along the centiles they are at the moment.

I think it almost sounds like you aren’t giving them enough to be honest OP . They don’t look fat and are active .... I’d be minded to give them more of the good quality food , especially breakfast . I’d also go for tummy fillers - oats , beans , nuts ( when age appropriate)

[quote Hungryhippos123]@SeaTurtles92 I know it’s painful even writing that but it is embarrassing. When they’ve had snacks, a generous lunch and eaten every scrap of food I’ve brought out when friends kids just eat a normal amount and prioritise playing etc. over food I do get embarrassed.

I’ve never had an ED but my sister had bulemia. My parents often commented on her weight as a teenager (normal puppy fat) and I am desperate not to cause that. I never mention weight to the children ever. Before this I never was worried about food! Would eat a massive pizza no concern, generally ate well, probs drank too much when younger but never worried about food or eating.

@MitheringSunday so a normal day:

Breakfast: glass of milk, weetabix (1.5 each and a bit more if still hungry) banana

Snack: chopped up apple and cubes of cheese

Lunch: omelette with cucumber and tomatoes and yogurt or cheese and marmite sandwich, veggie crisps and a couple of quorn mini sausages

Snack: organix type cereal bar thing, fish sticks, hummus and pitta or similar

Dinner: lasagna and sweet corn or home made pizza or tomato and veggie pasta or similar

Milk before bed

The free for all days are basically the same but if they ask for snacks in between I’ll let them have some crisps, more fruit, rice cakes etc and let them eat as much as they want for meals.[/quote]
this is far less than my kids eat, they are are carbon copies of each other, both had bmi's that put them as overweight at the age of 6/7 eldest is 9 almost 10 now and on 50th centile youngest is edging out of overweight bmi at almost 8, i haven't changed anything , just trusted that my stocky but not at all flabby childrens bodies were working out where they wanted to be.....

Hi Op, I genuinely don't think there is anything wrong with that daily intake. My nearly 8 year old has been on the 91 gentile since birth but weight and hight matched out so is fine. She just has a very athletic frame - like her aunt. she wears 9-10 clothes and is tall.

You've been told by a professional that they are healthy and fine. You your self say they don't look overweight and your friends say the same. I think you should try and look for some therapy about issues you may have about your childhood

At the ages of 6 and 3, I wouldn't worry if they are eating healthily and exercising well. They might be having growth spurts where they need all the food. If they are hungry in between meals, I would give them celery sticks with humus or such bland and boring food so they ask for food only when they are genuinely hungry.

OP, be careful. Can I tell you about my DD1?
She was over 10lb at birth, late nineties percentile wise through childhood whilst only 50th for height. She was always robust and sturdy but never ever flabby. She disliked her body and became obsessed with food and used to comfort eat from age 8 onwards.

The only thing that got her height and weight percentiles in line (50th) was developing anorexia aged 15. No periods and suicidal but hey- at least her BMI was correct!! (Thankfully, diagnosis no longer requires a low weight threshold to be passed). BMI for children can be very dangerous.

She is now 19 and just learning to embrace her curvaceous womanly figure.

As I say, be careful.

‘Diet’ wise, reduce refined carbs, if you must do something.

If they don't look obese or overweight - maybe they are not?

If they are as you say very muscular - you know yourself muscle weighs really than fat and if others don’t think they look over weight maybe they are not?

Who is weighing them and tutting at you. I have a 3 year old who hasn’t been weighed by anyone official since she was a few months old. I have weighed her out of interest at home a couple of times, and she’s definitely on the lower end for her height but would easily eat what you’ve described as a typical day. She’s a 2 weetabix for breakfast child, with a side of berries.

She doesn’t eat much at parties or picnics or occasions with lots of people though, so if you saw what she ate there you would get a really skewed view of how much she eats.

Although a lot is made of childhood obesity and it is absolutely a problem, it’s not a guarantee that every child that is slightly overweight is doomed to a lifetime of obesity and type 2 diabetes. If they are healthy, active, eating lots of vegetables and have been on the upper percentiles since they were babies and don’t look visibly fat there’s really a danger you’re building this up into a big thing when it doesn’t need to be.

I think what you're doing is fine. Don't go back to restricting portion sizes, that will make them more desperate for food. Maybe add a bit more fat into their diet? E.g. nuts, full fat yoghurt, full fat milk, eggs for breakfast etc. On days out you could give a cooked breakfast and see if that helps. You could also increase activity levels if you don't think they're doing enough.