Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

Oh, methinks you worry too much!
With your knowledge I'm sure you and your partner are quite capable of judging whether they're obese.
Their diet sounds fine, and not excessive.
Sometimes childrens appetite ramps up before a growth spurt.
Have nursery or school flagged up any problems?

Havd they had genetic testing?

@TheOneWithTheBigNose

Well the Ellyn Satter thing I follow loosely allows them to eat their fill at meal and snack times. So we put food in the table, they eat their fill I never comment, take food away, say ‘you’ve had enough’. I want them to self regulate and leave full! Having a meal and still being hungry isn’t fair on a child obviously

So how is this different to the few days you’ve allowed them to eat what they want?

With Ellyn Satter you only eat at set times.

You can eat as much as you want then, but you don't graze constantly all day.

I'm confused! If they don't look fat or overweight then why are you worried about giving them more food if they're hungry?
Are you just going on what weight they should be in a book?
If they are active, muscular children then I can't see the issue at all.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun

Havd they had genetic testing?

I really don't think you'd get genetic testing based on being a bit heavier!

Plus the waiting list here is insane (1 year plus)

OP mine aged 7 and 5 eat much more than that and are fine. We have a very relaxed approach to food and I think that really helps. If your providing healthy meals like that your doing brilliant.

Maybe you need to add more healthy fats to their diet? From the example you gave it seems very healthy, but a bit un-filling iyswim.

Could you include more olive oil, avocado, nuts and seeds, as these do help to make you feel full (it's not just protein).

Amelia Freer is a very interesting nutritionist who has an "eating pyramid" chart, which lists a sort of "ideal" diet (not that there is such a thing). I thought my diet was really good, but having ticked off my foods on the pyramid for a few days, I realised I needed more healthy fats and also protein. Might be worth a look?

But really, if they seem healthy and active maybe they just need more and will eventually grow and lose the puppy fat. Try not to worry too much.

One of my DC felt like a brick at 3/4/5 compared to their sibling. And I worried and tried not to about the reception weight check etc. But then growth spurts happen and it evens up. And then puberty happens and it swaps about again and that can be hard to adjust.

Your anxiety- as you have correctly identified- is ruling your life.

Also at 3 and 6 as long as the food you're giving them is as good as you've mentioned then there really is no issue.

If a child is still hungry after a meal not enough food is being provided for their needs. If I knew somebody restricting food like this to children I would contact Social Services.

Ok, re heights, are you having to take up the 7-8 / 4-5 lengths stuff?

A 6 yo in 7-8 isn't that far out. Esp depending on when they turn 7. DS is 6 next month and is in a few 6-7 tops. There's nothing on him. He'd get away with 6-7 legs but he's so slender around the waist it doesn't work. He's Def not the taller end of his class so I imagine some of the lads are in next size up. My babies are 16m in 24-36 for about 2 months so no comment on that 🙄🤣.

Stop comparing them.
I'd do a fun weigh in (for maths or similar, lots of wow aren't you growing big and strong comments) plus height (maybe use new clothes as an excuse?) and actually plot their percentiles. I'd bet my twins banana stash that there isn't much disparity between the two (anything within a few lines of each other is normal variation).

I'd seriously give yourself a week of slowly relaxing the rules and see if it helps - reduces stress, stops the kids crying from hunger but also naturally starts to balance their intake.

2 Weetabix for the big one. Extra toast is 5hey are still hungry. Extra toast veg at dinner. A larger portion of fruit and yoghurt. Toast for supper. Free access to healthy snacks.

I’m very skeptical of obesity measures for children

Yes.

OP - if they are technically obese, have they had a blood sugar check? Both fasting and hba1c?

Type 2 diabetes in children is unfortunately on the rise (and no, it's not all self-inflicted through eating too much, it's far more complex than that) and blood sugar swings will make you DESPERATELY hungry.

So if blood sugar abnormalities have not been ruled out I'd want to make sure there was no possible danger there.

Some kids are more hungry then others. My dc are like this. They want food after food etc. Their friends definitely don’t eat as much and are not as interested in food. At the parties; they are the ones hovering about the food table. However, they both get enough exercise and have high metabolisms. They are both slim.

Are you sure your kids are over weight? Could it be your projecting your eating issues on them and thinking they eat too much when they don’t ?

Perhaps stop the milk before bed? We stopped this from age 2/3. We only give after for drinks. Once in a while they get an innocent smoothie (like once a week).

I think you need to back off--this is setting your kids up for sneak eating. Part of Ellyn Satter's approach is to avoid power struggles, and that's exactly what you'e setting up by worrying about their intake. They're not really getting the opportunity to self-regulate.

What you've posted looks reasonable for children that age and not OTT.
One of mine is always hungry, but it turns out she has a lot of intolerances and eliminates rather quickly so not getting the full nutrition from her food. She's only ever been around 40th for weight, though height was always 60-70th. Are their bowels normal? She also has some sensory issues and finds it v difficult to tell when she is sated.

Maybe they need more breakfast, or just generally more food earlier in the day? My 2 year old eats two Weetabix and sometimes asks for more! He tends to have more in the morning (breakfast and snacks) than afternoon/dinner when he gets a bit more fussy.

Solidarity OP. In v similar situation with my 2 1/2 year old, also 99 centile since 6 months and EBF.

Currently between 91st and 99th for weight, and 50th for height - she lined up with both till she was about 1 then dropped height centiles. Again, totally healthy, and constantly hungry. Not quite as constant as what you've described, but when we tried to give more appropriate portions, we had constant asking for food. And its not just us, with childcare and grandparents - her nursery have mentioned in passing they have to give her her lunch before all the others as otherwise she throws a strop. And I know they give her extra food and don't always tell us.

What bothers me about it, as well as the potential future risks, is my DH describes never ever feeling full, even as a young child. His body just doesn't self-regulate. He is 6 foot 1, and has been 17 stone, so obese, but is built like a rugby player so doesn't particularly 'look' fat however had some health effects and has got himself down to just the 'overweight' category but that was through willpower and calorie counting. He has to stop himself eating while he still feels hungry, which is horrible.

Did they ever have antibiotics or reflux as babies? DD had a series of infections, bad allergies and reflux as a baby, which DH had also and part of me suspects that she started over-eating breastmilk to comfort her tummy - obviously no limit was put on the bf. I am a bit mystified as to what to do, in our case, she does look heavy tbh: you can't really see her ribs, she is much heavier than her peers. But her diet is healthy, and we've spoken to a dietitian who has said she's not concerned at the moment.

I think my main concern would by psychological hangups. In your case, I would give a probiotic, just in case, and stick with what your'e doing - from your sample menu I actually wonder if you could up the carbs? Smaller amounts more frequently? But beyond that I just don't know. I do think there's an element of boredom in our case, if we're doing something v exciting it will often stop her asking. But I never imagined being someone who would care about food, I have never been on a diet or had any hangups and always been at the low end of normal BmI, I thought I'd just offer healthy choices and her body would magically self-regulate. But it doesn't always work like that.

I would get them more active - enrol in classes or sustained activity for at last an hour each day. Not gymnastics or the park once a week but try dance, climbing, or football or anything. More exercise and not less food. A lot of people think their DC are active when they really aren’t. A lot kids need a couple of hours exercise each day and most schools don’t provide this. They may well be focusing on food as they are bored especially the 6 year old. Take the focus of attention for all of you away from food.

Out of interest, what does your husband think?

I genuinely don't understand all these snacks - I don't recall having them as a child? Albeit in the 80s....

Have you wormed them? Seriously, children can pick up worms and that can affect their appetite.

Our cat is hyperthyroid and screams for food all day long. Constant hunger. Might be worth checking their thyroid levels too.

Bear in mind that growth spurts create incredible hunger. DS1 used to eat as much as a grown man when he was 6/7 years old but on a growth spurt.

My 3 year old was a huge baby, is tall and muscular now, and in 3-4 and 4-5 clothes. He is generally the same size as 4 year olds we meet, sometimes bigger. I’m sure if I went looking for it a HV or GP would tell me he is obese. But I can use my eyes. He is just muscular and tall. I think you need to just stop worrying about it.

Looking at the foods, your kids need more carbs! Kids burn a lot of energy and need more carbs. For example crackers or brown bread with their snacks and lunch. Potato and brown rice etc.

OP this sounds just like my kids. We eat very similarly to you. Are you only worried because of what HV said? In which case I wouldn't worry, no offence to any HV out there but ours is rubbish and they don't have any nutritional training etc. Family started saying my kids were too heavy, I took them to GP who did weight and height and they're both totally normal, just bigger than others. Maybe that would put your mind at ease?

@Hungryhippos123 it's so difficult isn't it, my six year old varies from days when he doesn't eat enough to keep a fairy flying, to days when he'll put away nearly as much as DH. And on an in-between day he'll eat roughly what you've outlined for a normal day, but almost certainly with more carbs involved - he has a huge amount of energy (he's v tall and slender) so he burns it all off and asks for more.

I am doing my best to let him self-regulate as both his dad and uncle over-eat and can't tell when they're full...and when we started that he went a bit crazy for a couple of days and ate too much (and noticed for himself that it didn't feel so good), but since then he's much more able to trust himself and stop when he's had enough...

Could you try that without it making you feel too anxious do you think?