Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

What’s a typical food day?

Honestly you do sound like (intentionally or not) food has become such a source of attention and focus that it’s probably set up a strange dynamic.

Your obsession with their weight is going to ruin their lives. Calm down and stop putting so much emphasis on them being slim.

@SeaTurtles92

When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight.

This is a horrible comment.
You said they don't look obese and honestly, you're making this such a big deal.

Don't let it run your life if you're sticking to meal times they will learn to only eat then.

More of their hunger probably comes from boredom.

It's not a horrible comment at all. OP sounds at the end of her tether with this. If you think that friends don't (silently) judge you'd be naiive. You only have to read a thread or two here to realise that judging is alive and well (sadly).

OP, as lockdown lifts, do you think you'd be able to approach your GP again for some help? Compulsive eating is a 'thing' and there's no nearly enough support out there to combat it.

@SeaTurtles92 I know it’s painful even writing that but it is embarrassing. When they’ve had snacks, a generous lunch and eaten every scrap of food I’ve brought out when friends kids just eat a normal amount and prioritise playing etc. over food I do get embarrassed.

I’ve never had an ED but my sister had bulemia. My parents often commented on her weight as a teenager (normal puppy fat) and I am desperate not to cause that. I never mention weight to the children ever. Before this I never was worried about food! Would eat a massive pizza no concern, generally ate well, probs drank too much when younger but never worried about food or eating.

@MitheringSunday so a normal day:

Breakfast: glass of milk, weetabix (1.5 each and a bit more if still hungry) banana

Snack: chopped up apple and cubes of cheese

Lunch: omelette with cucumber and tomatoes and yogurt or cheese and marmite sandwich, veggie crisps and a couple of quorn mini sausages

Snack: organix type cereal bar thing, fish sticks, hummus and pitta or similar

Dinner: lasagna and sweet corn or home made pizza or tomato and veggie pasta or similar

Milk before bed

The free for all days are basically the same but if they ask for snacks in between I’ll let them have some crisps, more fruit, rice cakes etc and let them eat as much as they want for meals.

Apart from the odd day a few times per year, have you ever had a period with zero restrictions on food to allow them to self regulate?

There's something odd about the fixation you all have on food. Did this start when they were literally six months and on the 99th centile? It sounds like this made you very anxious and unhappy from very early days.

I think this may (and don't take this badly) be in your head??

If they don't look obese and aren't fat or anything why are you letting their muscle weight determine they are obese and that you need to overthink all the food so much?

Tell us what they've eaten for the last two days.
Do you have food issues yourself?

What centile are they for height? If they’re tall and the height centile is similar to weight then they aren’t overweight.

You do sound really obsessed by their food intake. If they’re eating mostly non-junk then I don’t see how they can really be fat. I’d do set meal and snack times and let them have things like veg and cucumber sticks in between.

And even if they’re a bit chubby now, after growth spurts in the next few years it’ll most likely start to even out.

@TheOneWithTheBigNose

What are they like when they’re with other people? Or at school/nursery?

With other people they ask for food and are usually given it, as you would if a child said they are hungry! They used to ask at school but the teachers made it clear to wait until lunch so they don’t ask now.

Our son is the same - 98th for height and 99.7th for weight at 22 months. My husband is overweight (BMI 29) mine is 23, my son walks longer distances than peers (0.7 miles each way to childminder, with her to and from school, runs around constantly, plays football with us in the garden after he gets home, swimming, rugby class, etc). He eats a very good diet - whole foods, well made, healthy snacks, milk and water mixed together. Portions half mine. Occasional (and I mean very occasional, once a week) square of chocolate. I am a doctor and not an expert in kids' nutrition, but I have read a fair amount now and believe he is eating well.

Photos of me and my siblings as a child look just like him but we are all slim and fit now and have been since adolescence. I have just decided to stop worrying. I think he will be fit and everything else is in his favour. I think the bell curves have to have exceptions and calibration must be harder in kids. I don't want to talk constantly about his weight.

I’m very skeptical of obesity measures for children.

My sons are both supposedly obese but they were enormous babies, are heights of children two years older than they are and don’t eat excessively.

My doctor has very clearly said they are just built that way and clearly not obese.

Centile for children don’t make sense to me.

BMI is a ratio of height to weight.
Therefore age is irrelevant (as it is for adults) and BMI is a measure.

But for children it becomes about centiles so mine are heavier than children their age. Literally input same height and weight but change the age and then they’re suddenly healthy weight.

Your children sound hungry to me. Mine barely bother me for food - more interested in jumping on the trampoline or Minecraft.

Cross post.
T h I think a 6 yr old could say two Weetabix. My 19month old eats one!

The rest of the food is fine although I'd be inclined to offer toast along with apple/cheese snack.

I think you need to stop focusing on what you think other people think about it. Try for a week just not thinking about it, maybe increase portion sizes slights and make sure they have stodgy carbs sometimes.

My parents often commented on her weight as a teenager (normal puppy fat) and I am desperate not to cause that

But with respect you are causing that with regimenting it out.

As a PP said have you ever actually allowed them to regulate their own eating or have you been on them since the start. It sounds like you have prevented them figuring out what there bodies need and when and made food into a massive battle

What weight/height are they?

Their diet sounds absolutely fine.

Please don't get to caught up on them being over weight, as you said they don't look obese.

My nephew is slim but muscular and has hollow legs. He could eat and eat and eat, actually he probably never stops.

Interesting that there was an ED in the family though.
I think subconsciously you're doing what your mum did without saying it to them and beating yourself up over it.

It’s strange that they literally cry for food all day as you say. My 3 yr old is on the heavy set side and will pester for snacks in the afternoon but not cry about it. Can you post their typical food for the day? For example my 3 yr old (also 99 percentile) and almost as heavy as her 6 yr old sibling would have a big breakfast of cereal in a kid sized bowl (weetabix or bran flakes and once on the weekend a treat cereal like Cheerios), with one piece of toast and marmite or peanut butter. Late or mid morning snack would be an apple or rice/corn cake or sometimes a small granola bar. Lunch might be macaroni cheese with raw veg crudités or Mexican beef rice dish and then if they’ve had a big meal at lunch dinner is usually picnic style or hoops on toast or beans. On a weekday she dessert would be fruit or yoghurt or a lolly, weekends we do a crumble. We try to avoid snacks in the afternoon as lunch is at 1 and their dinner at 5 so not long to wait!

It does sound like part of the issue is because you and DH are slim you have this idea of what they should look like and because they don't fit that's you're trying to fix them.

Their eating regimes will change throughout life. Letting them not be hungry now won't make them obese adults who need cutting out their own house by firefighters.

Teaching to eat for hunger until they're full and to make healthy choices will do them better than always being hungry then learning to scavenge food from the kitchen / their friends / spend all their pocket money on secret eating etc.

@Horehound

I think this may (and don't take this badly) be in your head??

If they don't look obese and aren't fat or anything why are you letting their muscle weight determine they are obese and that you need to overthink all the food so much?

Tell us what they've eaten for the last two days.
Do you have food issues yourself?

I know. One of the dieticians I spoke to was scratching her head and basically said they eat big portions but if they’re genuinely hungry fair enough and they aren’t unwell they look v healthy. Can run fast, both do gymnastics etc. I suppose it’s having GPs and HV tell me the dangers of childhood obesity and weigh them and tut without appreciating the full picture. I also don’t want to be in denial if there’s a problem and just keeping feeding them endlessly as I don’t want to set up issues.

What centile are they on for height?

If they’re just at the top of the centiles and not actually obese then I would back off hugely. You say you’re following the Satter method - offer healthy food and let them choose. But then you say you have days that are ‘no rules’ but you still offer healthy stuff ... why isn’t every day like that?

At 6 and 3 they are very young for needing any intervention- let alone years of it - so your focus on it is unhealthy. Maybe some counselling/hypnotherapy for you around your anxiety about it?

OP, to avoid quoting your entire post, this stuck out for me: 'The free for all days are basically the same but if they ask for snacks in between I’ll let them have some crisps, more fruit, rice cakes etc and let them eat as much as they want for meals.' Does this mean you don't usually let them eat as much as they want at meals? Those sound like decent healthy meals. Is your portion control very strict? What would be the problem with allowing them fruit, rice cakes etc ad lib between meals?

Weight centile is meaningless without height centile op.

What height centile are they on?

My second child was 99th centile from 6 weeks old. Exclusively BF. Has always had a far bigger appetite than her older sister (12th centile).
It certainly has never worried me as much as it is worrying you. I knew I wasn’t over feeding her breast milk at 6 weeks old so it seemed to just be the way she was!
She’s 6 now and has dropped down to about the 80th centile. She still eats far more than her siblings. I just make sure the food available is healthy and filling, and allow her as much as she needs to feel full. No drama.

Ah cross post saw your posted a daily intake.

"they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular "

I don't think they are eating too much. Children have high energy needs because they are growing. If the food they are eating is wholesome, they won't over eat it.

They may well eat more than other kids, but if they have a stronger and broader build then they need more.

Broad heavy people need more food than delicate slender people.

You are at risk of causing the issue you are trying to avoid by controlling their food so much. They need to learn their own satiety limit.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but it seems to me you are the one that is obsessed. You are already doing everything right eg diet and exercise and those will be habits that will be instilled in them when they are older. Some kids are just hungrier than others, they could also be eating because they are bored or out of habit. If they are happy and healthy I would just carry on making sure they are eating healthy 99% of the time and getting plenty of exercise. There is nothing else you can do without turning it into a massive issue which in turn can turn into eating disorders.

Well my 6 year old would be just about fine on that menu you've outlined but my 5 year old would be ravenous. They're all different. Haven't weighed them in ages but from lifting them / playing with them my 5 yr is much heavier than his older brother but there's no fat on him. Weight is not important only too much excess fat.