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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Children’s hunger ruining my life

898 replies

Hungryhippos123 · 30/04/2021 13:32

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

OP posts:

LondonMrsA · 02/05/2021 21:00

Things that we are meant to believe in :
The Tooth Fairy;
Father Christmas;
BMI;
5 a Day;
10,000 Steps a Day;
Fat makes you Fat;
If you watch too much TV you’ll get square eyes;
It’s normal and virtuous to work up to 12 hours a day;
Looking your age is unacceptable;
Thin people don’t get sick;
It’s shameful to be working class…
Shall I go on?

olympicsrock · 02/05/2021 21:01

Please understand that it’s normal for kids to want to eat often . They burn off so such energy. Just feed them eat a bit more and stop stressing about it. I do think that although you have good Intentions you are limiting their food types and rationing them. My 6 year old eats more than this and asks for food 1 hour after a meal too. You are worrying unnecessarily.

SmileyClare · 02/05/2021 21:04

We are a happy normal family I'm sure your children are Op and its clear how much you love your daughters and want to do the right thing.

I think your first post demonstrated how unhappy you are: I'm at my wits end. I'm on the verge of tears every day and cry almost every night.. I'm so worried and concerned they'll balloon when they're older, it's ruining my life

I'm glad you're feeling more positive today, perhaps as a result of this thread. I think you've been given some sensible advice. Be honest with yourself though and make some changes to your approach and attitude. . Your anxiety over their weight and food intake is taking up far too much of your head space.

TooMuchAndNotEnough · 02/05/2021 21:09

@Hungryhippos123

Thank you so much *@chillipopcorn1*. It makes me sad that people feel sorry for my children or think I’m setting them up for eating disorders because I’ve posted on here- I’m just asking for advice on a parenting site in case others have felt similar. Some peoples thoughts about how I just behave around my kids and food are frankly bizarre! We are a happy normal family with happy well adjusted kids I just worry about them (don’t we all about various things?!). I’m not a closeted anorexic woman or inputting every bite into MyFitnessPal. My goodness!

Look, your OP was full of dramatic language about this issue literally ruining your life, days out ruined, being so embarrassed when with friends, etc. You stated that you are close to tears every day and often cry at night. Absolutely none of that indicates a normal, relaxed attitude toward your children's diet. And if you think your children are not picking up on your anxiety around food, you are very likely deluding yourself.

I know you have received a lot of conflicting advice on this thread. 'Twas ever thus on MN. My advice FWIW is to get rid of most processed foods but otherwise just let go. Remove all emotion from mealtimes. Provide healthy meals, allow reasonable snacks, and ignore any whinging. Try a couple of weeks loosening control and see if the children begin to self-regulate. It may take longer than that, since they are not used to that approach. But IMO it will be worth it in the end.

OverTheRubicon · 02/05/2021 21:11

@Hungryhippos123

Those saying give them bigger portions- with Ellyn Satter you allow them to choose how much at each meal. I serve family style in the table and they help themselves with NO judgement until they are done. That’s why I don’t understand/ get a bit frustrated when they’re starving an hour later!

Having had the same challenges, we've also tried Ellyn Satter, which is why I have a lot of sympathy! I still think it's a good way of putting children in charge of their eating, and worth a try for almost any family, but it isn't a magic solution. We stopped the Satter method after 3 months, my eldest took well to being in charge of his food and probably ate fewer vegetables but over a week or two would have a pretty rounded diet - but my dc2 gained a lot of weight (having been overweight to start with), had to move to plus size clothes, and our toddler also gained a lot, they served themselves immense portions even of very plain stuff like brown rice. I contacted the dietician after a month as she said they'd settle down in a few weeks but the only advice was to stick it out... It just didn't work. I still don't have the answer to balancing their right and need to be in charge of their own bodies with my responsibility as parent to ensure that they don't enter teenage years with very skewed ideas of normal portions and already obese - but do have a lot of sympathy and don't think you deserve the massive pasting you've got here. People miss the vicious circle you can get into as a parent - your child has a massive appetite, so you restrict portions, so they obsess more etc etc. Just the same as a very fussy child who restricts food types, so parents make meals emotional so they restrict more. Yes, taking out emotion and giving the child more responsibility can help, but the underlying issue can remain, and sometimes that is a parent issue but it can also be the child's issue, and in either case the family needs support and not a pasting.

ChaBishkoot · 02/05/2021 21:20

But @OverTheRubicon there is no suggestion other than one HV at 18 months that these are overweight children.

Why do they need a method or portion control?
And why does she personally feel bad if they are allowed to eat whenever they are hungry (which is 3 times a year)?

These are NOT kids in plus size clothes. Or anything of the sort. And most friends and family don’t think they are obese and neither do the professionals. Except for one HCP 18 months ago.

I don’t think the situation is comparable.

CovidSmart · 02/05/2021 21:28

@Hungryhippos123, dc1 was the same than your dcs.
I too was worried. As a baby/toddler, dc1 didn’t have a switch, and if left to his own devices, would eat until he was making himself sick.

When he was the age of your dcs, I had a few rules

snack was a small snack (couple of biscuits and then fruits. As many as he wanted but tbh he never had more than one)
meal times, I just asked him if he was hungry or just fancying more The idea was to teach him 1- to recognise hunger and 2- stop when he wasn’t hungry anymore.

He still ate probably twice as much than his friends. He is now a skinny 18yo (on the verge of being underweight despite still eating us out of the house!).

Sidesaladofchips · 02/05/2021 21:32

This thread has so much wrongness on it. It's obvious that OP has an unhealthy relationship with food. It should be taken down.

Yeah this. I think this thread isn't helping the OP one bit as any advice she is getting that doesn't fit with her own ideas is just met with denial. Yes I do feel sorry for the kids, I can't get over the 1.5 weetabix for a 3 and 6 year old.

ChaBishkoot · 02/05/2021 21:36

@CovidSmart But these are not overweight kids who are making themselves sick are they?

I am really confused by so many people saying their kids were like OP’s kids when they weren’t in no way.

I suspect a lot of PP identify with how the OP feels about food and her kids but given these are normal sized kids with normal sized appetites (as I said before wanting a snack an hour after eating isn’t a terrible thing), all those who have overweight or underweight kids or kids with eating disorders, are actually helping the OP.

I really sympathise with how the OP feels. It sounds all consuming and exhausting. But there is almost no actual evidence that there is any real medical problem.

ChaBishkoot · 02/05/2021 21:37

*are NOT actually helping the OP.

Jourdain11 · 02/05/2021 21:56

@Hungryhippos123, you mention that your kids are quite strong and muscular, which makes me guess that they're pretty active? The more calories they're burning up the more they'll need to intake, which might be why they eat more than (less active) other kids. Also, in terms of weight, muscle weighs more than fat, so that could be why they weigh in as heavy but don't look it.

My DD2 seems to be constantly starving, but she does loads of dance and has also just had a bit of a growth spurt.

A friend of mine had quite a good strategy, which was for the kids to have their own snack boxes (not practical for a 3 year old, granted!) which were filled up every week with healthy ish snacks. They could help themselves from their boxes whenever they liked, but the deal was that once they'd emptied the box that was it! So it prevented the endless asking for food and also encouraged them to start regulating their own intake (i.e don't eat all the snacks on Monday because there'll be none for the rest of the week!).

tenlittlecygnets · 02/05/2021 22:02

@Hungryhippos123

But you literally said that your dc's hunger was ruining your life and that you cried every night because of what they ate - that's not normal. At all. In any way. You need to look at your own attitude to your dc's food. It sounds very disordered.

Toothpaste123 · 02/05/2021 22:50

I think you're being a caring mum worrying about the health of your children. If the HV tells you they are overweight, it is something you should pay attention to. Of course!
You're doing a good job not making food an issue in front of them.

I think you could enforce boundaries and routine around food as you do with any other aspect of family life. Had enough screen time? Turn the tablet off. Had enough sweets? No more. Had enough lasagne at dinner? No snacks.

My two DC also do this. They would have their dinner and then go crazing for snacks. I tell them no. You've just had dinner.
Sometimes they whine they are bored, and the next thing I know, they are going through the fridge. I usually tell them to wait til the next meal time and explain that you eat when you're hungry and to not confuse hunger with boredom.
Sometimes my son asks for toast /bread one after another. The other day he had six pieces of French toast for breakfast, at which point my DH said no more. That's too much. You're going to have a tummy ache. My DC are very slim and we don't enforce restrictions on meals because of weight, but we also don't allow constant crazing and overeating til they might feel sick. They only have water or milk to drink and at weekends they can share a bag of sweets of their choosing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that dont feel bad about restricting their meals and what they can eat. It's only a normal part of parenting and we all do that, weight issues or not. Your girls will be fine and with a mum like you they will be happy and healthy and just the right weight!

YorkiePanda · 02/05/2021 22:59

@Hungryhippos123 my honest advice here as a mental health professional is fix your own relationship with food and your DCs will also improve.

If this is really preventing you sleeping at night and causing you that much distress, which sounds really horrible for you, it’s probably high time to start unpacking why that is. You also said on your original post that you “can’t” stop restricting them even when you suggested doing that yourself because it would make your life a lot easier. I am very much wondering what beliefs about food/size/weight you were brought up with that it should cause you this much distress. I don’t know, maybe it’s not about the food at all and you’re anxious about “failing” at parenting. I’m left wondering who you think will judge you, and why it would matter so much if someone did think “gee, those kids eat a lot”. My hunch is it’s not other people making those judgements - it’s you, or perhaps the people that instilled them in you in the first place.

As much as you think you’re not showing any of this to your DC, I can promise you, they absolutely know there’s a power struggle going on here. They might not know the reasons why - of course not, they’re too young to understand any of that - but the behaviours and distress you say they are showing around trying to get snacks means they know it’s a battleground.

Branleuse · 02/05/2021 23:02

if theyre hungry an hour after a meal, couldnt they have some dessert then? Not everyone wants dessert straight after eating, but its not particularly unusual to want some. Even just a yoghurt and/or banana or something. Get the cheeseboard out like the french

Factor in the fact they like to graze through the day. As long as its nutritious its fine

Bul21ia · 02/05/2021 23:32

@Sidesaladofchips

This thread has so much wrongness on it. It's obvious that OP has an unhealthy relationship with food. It should be taken down.

This!!

Quincie · 03/05/2021 05:23

Maybe it's just a habit they've got into - to whinge - kids whinge I'm bored, I'm bored but do nothing about it, maybe it's similar to that.

timeisnotaline · 03/05/2021 07:36

Re whingeing, at dinner time if we have extra food I offer them a second helping before other options and say if you’re hungry you’d eat it. But just letting them have 4 weetbix would be an excellent change! And a boiled egg for morning tea.

CutieBear · 03/05/2021 07:37

[quote Hungryhippos123]@CutieBear that made me laugh. My eldest almost has a six pack herself from gymnastics! Mn has an obsession with seeing kids ribs and you can see hers![/quote]
If that’s true then they’re not fat. You need to remeasure their heights because the weight/height measurements you had from years ago aren’t going to be accurate now. Does MN really have an obsession with seeing children’s ribs?

bruffin · 03/05/2021 07:45

Does MN really have an obsession with seeing children’s ribs?
Yes,!

But them MN really isnt a good place for child nutrician , weight etc , too many orthorexics and posters with ED, carbs police etc. They gather like a moth to a flame

Forgottenwhatsleepis · 03/05/2021 08:29

Hi @Hungryhippos123 not me personally, but my mum with my younger brother had the same issue ((I'm 14 yrs older so saw and understood what she was going through). He was a high birth weight (9lb 9oz), was breastfed until he was 1, but once he started weaning and beyond was eating fully healthy, wholesome, home cooked meals etc. The HV said he was very overweight, even though he was taller than his peers and stayed on the same percentile. He was athletic, but constantly hungry, and like you she tried everything. He's 25 this year, and still the same- athletic, eats (and cooks) wholesome home cooked meals. He occasionally puts some weight on, but manages it really well, and that's only if he has to spend a lot of time driving for his job.
I had the polar opposite- my son eats for England, but is skinny as a rake, so got told he is severely underweight (he's not, before people start having a go at me!)
My point is, I know its hard to look 10/15/20 years into your children's futures, but I think, because of yours and your husband's positivity and attitude to food, they honestly will be fine

OwlinaTree · 03/05/2021 10:07

I'm really interested in the theory that if you let them help themselves they will self regulate. I don't think that would work with my son. He will finish the amount he's given. We give him the correct size portion at home, but if we are in a cafe and he's given a massive portion he will eat it all. I think if there was loads on the table he's get used to having seconds all the time. At the moment he eats his meal and he's satisfied. He's high on the child BMI centiles, but just at the top of healthy. He's still on the same lines he was as a baby tbh!

My DD self regulates much more, she often leaves food (not ice cream!). They were weaned etc the same, both bf on demand. They just have totally different approaches to food. Me and my DH are much more the 'clear the plate' types.

I sympathize OP. Getting the balance with my son of stopping when you are feeling full, enjoying treats but not constantly, but not making things too forbidden is hard work.

Neither of mine snack regularly though, so I don't have to deal with the nagging! They will 'hint' about having an ice cream when we are out somewhere!

Oyvavoy · 03/05/2021 11:06

I agree @OwlinaTree - some kids just like to eat and don't feel as satisfied as other kids. I think research shows this is genetic. Some kids self-regulate, some don't and need some help. One of my kids self-regulated and the other two don't/didn't, The differences were apparent even as toddlers.

ChameleonKola · 03/05/2021 11:35

@OwlinaTree

I sympathize OP. Getting the balance with my son of stopping when you are feeling full, enjoying treats but not constantly, but not making things too forbidden is hard work.

Neither of mine snack regularly though, so I don't have to deal with the nagging! They will 'hint' about having an ice cream when we are out somewhere!

Some will self regulate, some won’t. Just like adults! We’re all different.

Fondizone · 03/05/2021 15:36

Sidesaladofchips

This thread has so much wrongness on it. It's obvious that OP has an unhealthy relationship with food. It should be taken down.

"Yeah this. I think this thread isn't helping the OP one bit as any advice she is getting that doesn't fit with her own ideas is just met with denial. Yes I do feel sorry for the kids, I can't get over the 1.5 weetabix for a 3 and 6 year old."

Completely agree... The kids aren't obese, the gp has just said some generic thing and op got anxious perhaps due to her own issues. Kids that age should be eating more and there's nothing over the top about their diet. If anything they're eating too little... This is dangerous when kids are going through growth spurts etc. Op, please feed your kids as much food as they'd like. Just don't give them sweets and they'll be OK.

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