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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage between two parties who are massively different earners is too bigger risk for one patry

319 replies

Whoarethewho · 30/04/2021 09:34

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

OP posts:
motherloaded · 30/04/2021 09:35

Marriage is not for YOU clearly, and that's all that matters.

Are you even seeing yourself in this relationship for the long term, or just are just into it out of habit? It doesn't sound like a happy and healthy one.

Temp023 · 30/04/2021 09:37

Well, aren’t you the romantic?
Explain all this to your partner exactly as you have written it down here and I think you will find that your problem will just disappear!

Pinkdormobile · 30/04/2021 09:40

You don't have to get married if you don't want to, obviously. And it would be more of a risk for you.

But two things occur to me from the, admittedly, brief amount of info: Have you made it clear that you never intend to marry your partner because if you haven't, it's only fair to tell them, and
Do you respect and love your partner because it's not really coming across in your OP?

Tal45 · 30/04/2021 09:42

If you're already worrying about how much you argue/divorce then definitely best you don't get married. You might want to look for someone that you don't think is only after your money.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 30/04/2021 09:43

The key point here is there is no children or plans for them.
Marriage is good protection for the lower earner when children are Involved (because even with the best intentions, some sacrifice is involved and usually that is the lower earner).
Plus you are encouraging your partner to keep working so they aren't sacrificing their career at the moment, (as long S you aren't encouraging them to live beyond their means)

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/04/2021 09:43

We’ve spent recent decades creating this charade of marriage being about forever love and romance but it isn’t - it’s a legal and financial contract and always has been. If you don’t want your partner to have access to your money and assets, don’t get married. By all means, buy them nice jewellery, tell them they’re the best thing that ever happened to you - hell, even organise a big celebration where you dress up and stand in front of all of your friends and family and declare that this person is the person you love the most. Just don’t confuse all that with a legal status.

Life isn’t a fairytale. We know that statistically, almost half of marriages end in divorce. It isn’t unhealthy or unromantic, if you have a lot to lose, to be concerned with protecting yourself. You can live the bones of somebody and hope for the world that you’ll be together forever, whilst still acknowledging that it very possibly won’t happen and planning for that. Fortunately, I’m in a relationship with somebody who feels the same way.

HollowTalk · 30/04/2021 09:45

No way on this earth!!!

ShirleyPhallus · 30/04/2021 09:46

It doesn’t sound like you and your partner have the same goals and views long term, especially if you’re worried this much about money

Are you sure you even want to be together?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/04/2021 09:46

Oh, the whole 'they' and 'partner' crap because you think everyone is biased. You don't want to get married. So make that completely clear, NO, non-negotiable. Won't marry you. So she can decide if she wants to leave or not.

Poorlykitten · 30/04/2021 09:47

I would feel extremely upset if my partner felt this way and didn’t want to marry me because of having no assets or not earning enough. Am i massive old fashioned? I believe you should marry for love, if you don’t love him then fair enough but surely no one walks in to a marriage thinking about the divorce?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 30/04/2021 09:47

You are spot on in your assessment of the situation

HollowTalk · 30/04/2021 09:51

Arguments and pressure to marry are big red flags.

Triffid1 · 30/04/2021 09:51

Well, I'd suggest that if you are hesitant to get married because you think there's a good chance of divorce, then you shouldn't be getting married. As a rule, people who get married genuinely believe and plan, at that moment, that they will be together forever.

And please, don't try the whole, "of course i do want to be with them forever but I have to be realistic" bullshit.

On a more practical level, considering how many women who DO have children still land up walking away from their marriages with almost nothing, it's hard to understand how a couple without kids would need to split assets 50/50 at the time of the break up.

On the bigger question, the amount the one person brings in is irrelevant if the partnership is real during the time they are married. With or without children.

Merryoldgoat · 30/04/2021 09:51

No one should get married if they don’t want to
No one should feel forced to get married
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married

I do think that if this is the mindset of the higher earner then they should avoid being with someone who earns so much less as it will always be the case.

HollowTalk · 30/04/2021 09:51

Are you male and your partner female?

PegasusReturns · 30/04/2021 09:53

I think marriage - and the associated split of assets - is important when children are involved.

If there are no children then I don’t see the benefit, outside of tax purposes.

What is important, is that you are open and honest with your partner about your thoughts on marriage and parenthood .

Wrongnamegame4 · 30/04/2021 09:53

I agree that marriage isn't for you, however other people in a similar arrangement may feel differently.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/04/2021 09:54

surely no one walks in to a marriage thinking about the divorce?

If more women did, then perhaps so many women wouldn’t end up in dire financial situations upon divorce because they gave up their careers and absolved themselves of responsibility for knowing anything about family finances, because they were certain their DH was one of the good guys who’d never cheat / abuse them and they’d be married forever and ever.

You wouldn’t enter into a business partnership with somebody, without thinking about how you’d protect your finances and interests in the event you fell out with your business partner or the business failed. Why would you do differently in your personal life.

motherloaded · 30/04/2021 09:58

I am not sure why your partner is staying in a relationship with someone who seem to resent them for earning so little and who think they are after their assets. They should run a mile.

RubyFowler · 30/04/2021 09:58

Where would your partner stand financially if you were to split up now?
If they weren't with you, would they have spent a few years paying off a mortgage of their own and have a little financial security of their own?
Whose decision was the fact you pay all the bills etc?
Would you be happy them having a small stake in the property without marriage?
From their point of view marriage would offer some security and maybe they feel they are sacrificing the opportunity to build that up for themselves whilst being in this relationship?
Maybe you could offer to help them invest some of their own income wisely so they wouldn't be reliant on you for their financial security?
In answer to your question, don't get married if you're not prepared to share everything you have with them, that is what marriage is.

RubyFowler · 30/04/2021 09:59

answer to your question, don't get married if you're not prepared to share everything you have with them, that is what marriage is.
Sorry should have added, everything is 50% theirs once you get married, not once you divorce.

swimlittlefishy · 30/04/2021 10:00

You've already decided you will get divorced so why would you get married?

Poorlykitten · 30/04/2021 10:01

@ComtesseDeSpair I don’t see marriage as a business. Like I said, maybe I am old fashioned but in this situation I would run a mile rather than be married to someone who is clearly thinking only of the money.

Purplewithred · 30/04/2021 10:02

If your first thought about your marriage to this person is how the divorce is going to pan out then don't marry them.

LolaSmiles · 30/04/2021 10:03

It's good for people to pay attention to the legal and financial implications of marriage. Too many people drift through life getting married or not getting married, surrender their financial security and then seem surprised that in the event of relationship breakdown the know implications of their choices happen.

If you don't want to get married then you don't want to get married. As long as you are up front with your partner about this then it doesn't matter. They may choose to leave the relationship if marriage matters to them.