Marriage between two parties who are massively different earners is too bigger risk for one patry

[Whoarethewho]

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

Get married in Scotland, finances prior to marriage are disregarded. (Might need to live in Scotland for the marriage however for it to apply).

You don't sound like you want to be in the relationship, let alone a marriage to be honest

I think you should show her this thread. That should resolve the issue.

@SonnyWinds

Just get a pre-nup. You're correct that they aren't technically legally enforceable in court but, in reality, judges will respect them in a divorce. They're used ALL THE TIME. Just get lawyers to discuss the situation with you and your partner and figure it out. If this is the only thing holding you back from getting married then it's a bit of a no-brainer from my standpoint. It's worth remembering that marriage affords a lot of protection - if you died, where would you want your wealth to go, if you were in a coma then who would you want making the decisions, if your partner does become pregnant then your rights are vastly increased, etc etc. so you need to balance out the risks and the benefits.

Very good points raised here. Do you want your partner to be your spouse in these ways too?

I don’t agree with your generalisation that marriage between two partners where one is a much higher earner is too big of a risk for the higher earner.

It’s obviously too big of a risk for you at the individual level, and that is valid. No one should be pressured into marriage when they think going in that their odds for divorce are high.

I think what a lot of people miss is that circumstances change. I know two fit, healthy women in their thirties in good careers who have developed chronic illnesses in the last few years that mean they're unlikely to be able to work again. In one case, she was the higher earner, though thankfully her husband also has a good-earning job.

I know, sensibly, divorce happens. I rarely fight with my husband, we have very similar views on money, ambition, etc etc. So I really don't worry about it that much. But - we could both earn more than we do. We both are in 'passion' careers - we have sensible conversations about what we can afford.

I think the big question is why he/she earns so little. Is he not at all ambitious and you are? Or is he/she in a career he's passionate about, such as say being a carer, that happens to be badly paid? And does your lifestyle benefit from that less demanding career? I know a lot of couples where the high earning spouse benefits from the lower earning one having flexibility.

I would assume that the big issue is that you have different attitudes - DH and I both are aware we need to contribute financially to the relationship but we both value job satisfaction over money, so he retrained to a much lower earning but prestigious career and I took a pay cut and a four day a week role because it allowed me development opportunities. Our shared goals are totally in sync on this - I think thats the biggest question mark where there are big disparities in income. If one partner 'disapproves' of the other earning less its a problem,.

you've been with them 8 years already. Why do you think marriage will so drastically change things? If you're going in with negative feelings just don't do it.

I do see your point, but marriage should primarily be about two people who are in love and want to be husband and wife. If you don't want to marry but your partner does, then there is clearly a problem with both of your expectations of the relationship. For what it's worth when my husband and I first met I was the higher earner by far, but due to him retraining and changing career he now earns double what I do. But our relative earnings have never come into it for us.

Don’t do it !!

It's clear from your post that the right choice for you is not to get married.

You seem strongminded enough to be able to resist the pressure

When people are in love and getting married, I don't think they normally think about getting divorced. If you are already worried about it, then best not get married.
But if your partner really wants to get married to you, or generally the kind of person who seek security in marriage, and you clearly don't, you should really tell them that you have no intention to get married to them at earliest possible stage.

Your post drips with contempt for your partner. So don't marry them. Let them find someone who actually likes and loves them.

Marriage is, and always has been, a financial transaction. The love stuff can and does exist in a relationship regardless of the marital status.

OP is right to argue that it does not make good sense in this situation.

Does your partner know that you don't want children, OP? Because you said "I don't want children", not "we don't want children".

It's fair to protect your assets and not get married if it's a partnership and nothing more. If one person is holding out hope of a family and you're not being honest about your intentions, that's not fair.

I couldn't demand a big wedding. My rule is that I live within my means and I've always been the lower earner, so I wouldn't press for something expensive when I couldn't pay half.
This puts a strain on a friendship or relationship as it is boring for the higher earner. They either have to lower their standards or constantly offer to treat.

FFS, just tell "them" that you don't want to marry them, that you don't want children, and that you don't want to share your money. I am guessing that if you managed to accumulate so much personal wealth, you are not in your 20s. At your mature age, it's time to learn some open and honest communication. Communicate and let your parnter decide what they want for themselves.

And if you don't want to marry and share your money, there is really not much point staying together either. A long-term partnership (marriage or just co-habitation) will never be a nice experience for both parties unless it's a partnership of equals. And "equals" means equal access to money. If there is no equality, the poor party will always feel like a poor dependant whose whole life can be turned upside down on a whim of the richer party.

And the last thing you may want to ask yourself - how much money do you actually need to have control over to feel secure? What will make you feel safe? If it is less than what you already have or are able to earn in the future, then what's the point of holding onto it so tightly? What are you going to do with it? Have it put into your coffin when you die? Holding onto money that you don't actually need more than you hold onto people may not be the best life strategy.

YANBU, obviously.

If I owned significant assets and my partner owned none, I wouldn’t marry them either.

BUT

You need to be completely open with your partner about the fact that you are never going to marry them. Then, they can decide whether or not they want to stay in the relationship on that basis. You many very well find that they offer you a choice of marriage or nothing.

If you're already worried about divorce, then you should NOT get married regardless of your income inequality.

If you dont want to marry them (tbh the way your post comes across you dont appear to even like them very much) then dont but do them the courtesy of being honest about the fact you never will so they can make a choice on whether to stay or go

I am rather surprised that more people in this thread didn't think about divorce before getting married.

I am happily married, but I didn't go into it thinking it would definitely be forever and ever, so no need to worry about divorce. I considered the consequences of the relationship breaking down. Not doing so is like not reading the small print of a contract.

You’ve got your head screwed on.
Ignore nonsense about being / not being “romantic” 🙄
Marriage is a legal contract.
Romance can come into plenty of areas of your relationship - but is best left out of the decision on the one part which is about the law.

I do think you have to be fair to your boy/girlfriend. You should never string them along.

My husband proposed to me, and I said, “I love the sentiment and commitment, but I’d like us to talk about the financial impact first.” He was fine with that - in fact he laughed and said my predictability on that was one of the things he loved about me 😉

It wasn’t only about my greater assets, he receives a pension from a wife who died. I wanted him to check that marriage wouldn’t end that, as it was a considerable part of his retirement planning. In the end, we went ahead. My assets are greater, but he also has some. In your situation - the difference would be too great for me personally. Oh - we didn’t get a pre or post nup in the end, but one reason I felt my husband and I were compatible is that he didn’t bat an eyelid at the suggestion. We are very much on the same page about finances and fairness. Which I think is a better indicator of successful marriage than “romance”.

@HipTightOnions

I think you should show her this thread. That should resolve the issue.

We don't know whether it is a 'her'.

If you don’t want to get married that’s your choice and a totally valid one.

Are you always this pessimistic? Doesn’t sound like it’s really a love match...

You shouldnt feel forced into marrying.

@Jaxhog

If you're already worried about divorce, then you should NOT get married regardless of your income inequality.

That’s just bollocks! Anyone who doesn’t consider that it’s possible that their marriage might end in divorce is utterly naïve. To the point of being a bit stupid, actually.

No-one knows what the future holds for themselves, and they certainly don’t know what it holds for their partner. I felt we were both totally committed to our future marriage when we decided to get married. Hardly unusual to discover 10 years on that he’d decided to have an affair 🤷🏻‍♀️

Marriage aside, your being so well off seems to be a bit limiting for your partner's finances. If you won't buy a house together, then presumably they can't afford to buy one – so they'll always be worse off and stuffed if you split up, or even if you were to die. When you get to the point of taking your pension, are you not going to share that either? Will they be working while you're taking it easy? Do they pay you rent? Are some of your arguments about these things?

Maybe you need either to decide if you are in this for the long term or not – and if not, maybe get out of the way so they can build their own life with a more equal partner? Years ago I had a boyfriend who was very well off and I always felt relatively poor. Now I'm in it together with my husband, we earn pretty similar levels, I'll benefit from his pension and vice versa – and, for me at least, it's much better as a result.