Marriage between two parties who are massively different earners is too bigger risk for one patry

[Whoarethewho]

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

Have you used your massive income to get some proper legal advice on this, based on your own specific circumstances?
Division of assets post-divorce is still based on the extent that the lower earner contributed to the accumulation of wealth (eg by running the house to allow the higher earner to earn) and their actual financial needs post-divorce. It’s far from just “getting half of everything”. However it does reflect the deal that you make as a couple to build a life together and the consequences of one of you welching on that deal.

It may well be that it’s not financially sensible for you. But make a decision based on solid, bespoke advice, not the opinions of ransoms on the internet.

I think youre quite right, No need for you to get married and it doesnt sound like youre convinced this is your forever partner.
I think it might be an idea to have a proper discussion though, as if marriage and kids etc is her dream, then dont string it out longer than necessary, and make it clear to her that you wont be budging on this. She has the decision to make then, if she wants to look for someone that can give her the commitment and security she is after then she shouldnt be wasting time with you. Maybe youre not being clear enough? What she wants is not anything different to what most people want, but its also perfectly ok to not want it too.
How do you see your future with regards to relationships? Do you not want to get married at all, or do you think shes not the one?

I don't think it's in your best interest to get married at all. There are no kids involved. So no one can claim they're financially worse off by providing childcare which is really the only reason I think anyone is obligated to share their income.

Your partner is already gaining financially by you covering all the bills. The only thing marriage would do is give them half your money.

If they just want the party, have a wedding without the legal side? They can change their name if they want.

Another thing you need to think about is who you want to make medical decisions if you can't and who you want your assets to go tocwhen you die. Make sure you have a will, and make your medical choices clear. Although both things I think should be done by everyone.

If you don't want to get married then don't but do allow your partner the chance to decide if that is the life they want.

If you haven't done so already you need to be having a conversation with your partner where you are clear that you feel you have too much to lose and as such marriage to them is not something you want. You may find that the problem solves itself.

Are you even suited well to each other? It doesn’t sound like it from your OP. I suspect you have different values/ beliefs.

Are you brave enough to have a very honest conversation with them about the fact that you don’t intend to marry them or have kids?

Firstly your generalisation in the title isn’t relevant to the majority of marriages, because most of them will result in children. Additionally, you shouldn’t be considering generalisations, you should be considering yourself and your own life/circumstances specifically.

I think that you need to consider why, after 8 years, you do not seem to trust your partner. Do you think s/he is after your money? Is s/he good enough to shag and spend all your time with, but not good enough to marry? The upside of marriage is a clear, unequivocal lifelong commitment and a display of love. If you won’t give that to him/her, then I can see him/her becoming resentful. I agree with others that you should show him/her your post so that s/he can see where s/he stands and make a decision based on that.

The love does absolutely not shine through your post. You need to be 100% clear with your partner that children and marriage are not on the table, ever. Then if that is a deal breaker for him/her, do him/her a favour and end the relationship, freeing him/her to find someone who wants the same things. You could also find someone on the same page as you in life, someone who doesn’t want marriage, children etc.

My partner (male) and I (female) are in a similar position. My divorce cost me a lot and I won’t be making that mistake again. In your position op I would defo not be getting married. I would be very surprised if your partner shares your view however…

You say you don't want kids. Does she? Tell her you will never marry or have kids so she knows where she stands. Assume it's she if she wants a wedding dress

Just tell her you don't want her pissing off with half or more of the wealth you've accumulated. That said, if you went on to have kids and she took time out of her career to carry, raise etc then your position is rather selfish. But just on this alone you don't sound really committed to her.

Marriage is (to me) legal security I wanted in place before I had children as I was unsure how having the kids would affect us each financially.

If I wasnt planning on having any kids, marriage wouldnt have even been a consideration. I'd want robust next of kin/wills/etc in place but not marriage.

And if you don't want to marry and share your money, there is really not much point staying together either. A long-term partnership (marriage or just co-habitation) will never be a nice experience for both parties unless it's a partnership of equals. And "equals" means equal access to money. If there is no equality, the poor party will always feel like a poor dependant whose whole life can be turned upside down on a whim of the richer party.

Yes, I think this is a very important point. Any relationship (marriage or not) can be tricky with a huge gap in income, if it feels unequal and there is a power imbalance.

As this poster said, will you share your pension with your partner for you both to live on even if you're not married? Do you think of this person as your partner in life, or as a boyfriend/girlfriend?

You sound a bit transactional about this relationship.

I don't think marriage is for you. It is more than just a legal arrangement, it is about partnering and companioning through life - having someone walking with you - and the synergy this creates.

Personally, I don't think you can put a price on that if you find the right person to go on that journey with. And perhaps therein lies the problem.

Marriage and money aside - it doesn't sound like you particularly like or respect your partner.

Tell them marriage is an absolute non negotiable then and let them decide if they want to stay or want to leave and find someone who will marry them.

Everyone has different opinions on this and neither are right or wrong.

Pre-nup.

I agree that your OP doesn't seem to betray signs of a huge amount of love and affection for each other.

Unless you're a same-sex couple, what would happen if you/she did accidentally (or deliberately) become pregnant? That would have a serious impact on the woman's individual financial circumstances for years and thus rightly require the man to provide financially for his child, whether wanted or not.

Sounds like you think you may he above your partner because you earn more. Being in love is wanting to share all that you have with the other person. If you are that worried about your financial get a pre nup?

Personally I think some planning is helpful. I was the low-earning partner but my DH values me for lots of non-income generating reasons.

However, if your top priority is protecting your assets, then marriage may not be for you. However, you have to be honest with your partner, who then gets to decide what they do. If their priority is a big day and a public declaration of love, possibly followed by children, then they will have to make decisions based on your stated position.

Don't string them along.

I know of a bloke who is doing this to a partner & it sucks.

Sounds like you shouldn't even be living together frankly.

You deal with your own finance, they deal with theirs entirely.

@aiwblam I find it interesting that you talk from the perspective of the OP being ready to give lifelong commitment.

I was prepared to do that in both my marriages, as far as I could possibly predict it. And I knew - because it would be my decision - that I would be fair financially in a divorce. I took only 20% of the marital assets in my divorce, because I voluntarily discounted his business (and he was the cheat) as I didn’t feel morally entitled to it. I had to write a letter to accompany my CO application, as my solicitor advised that the judge might want to see me in person because I was unusually walking away from so much money.

I’m now in my second marriage. Again, I don’t question my own commitment, or future fairness if we come to divorce.

But for both marriages, when I have considered the “what if” of divorce in my decision and preparations, I haven’t come at it from your perspective of my commitment. Always from the possibility that my partner’s commitment will falter - which you can never be sure about. And sure enough, first marriage it was him.

I don’t think that considering the implication of divorce says anything about your commitment. It’s just sensible.

Unless you are planning on children I can see no reason to get married. I’m solvent, nice house, good pension, professional job, etc. My partner is a high flyer, earns over twice my salary, has a nice apartment, less good pension. We already have kids from previous relationships and aren’t planning any more. No way would I marry him. If I was having to put my career on hold to bring up kids then yes, definitely, but otherwise there’s no point.

I’d turn this onto why does the partner want to be married? Sounds like it’s all about a 1 big wedding day?
If he is really truely thinking he wants to be married vs just wants a wedding then ask why?
If he wants financial protection then you talk this through- maybe a will would work. If he wants both of you to make decisions for the other if you are incapacitated then POAs could be drawn up
You need to pin down what he is looking for.

I’m normally very pro marriage- but really only if kids could be on the cards. In this case , it’ probably not going to achieve anything that wills and poa,s can’t do. It’s no longer socially unacceptable to live together unmarried as it was just 40 or 50 years ago.

And don’t get married because he wants a wedding🤦‍♀️

Hopefully you've told her all along you will never marry or have kids and haven't strung her along wasting her fertile years. You said you don't want kids but not whether she does

“I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. We’ve talked about marriage but he seems to be stalling. Thing is, he earns a lot more than I do and I think that he’s afraid to share his money with me.”

Want to guess how the responses to that one would go?
I would imagine it would be: 'you want different things, if you want marriage then don't waste time on relationship with someone who doesn't want to get married'.

The OP doesn't want to be married. They're not stalling.

Men and women are free to refrain from getting married and opting to have unmarried, long term committed partnerships. If one person wants marriage and the other doesn't then either of them are free to leave.

The main issue of men stalling, which is what you're alluding to, is that this stalling frequently is kicking the issue of marriage into the long grass, not being clear on their position, fobbing their partner off with emotional stuff (like but we don't need a party, we already show we love each other), often the woman has already had children with this man, has given up her job and financial security or seriously compromised it once children were on the scene. In those situations a man stalling is deliberately trying to do enough to keep his partner at home doing the childcare and housework whilst he can walk away at any time.

A childfree adult choosing not to marry because they wish to remain financially and legally separate is nothing like those situations.

Let your partner go and find someone, who has the same views and financial standing as you.