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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage between two parties who are massively different earners is too bigger risk for one patry

319 replies

Whoarethewho · 30/04/2021 09:34

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

OP posts:
MzHz · 30/04/2021 11:17

@Whoarethewho

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

My Oh has been taken out twice in this kind of situation

I would advise you not to marry, no.

You have too much to lose
And you’re not seemingly overly committed to this woman

SpringtimeSummertime · 30/04/2021 11:18

You don’t see marriage as a partnership clearly. What’s mine is mine doesn’t work when you commit yourself to someone ‘for life’.
I don’t recommend you marry. I don’t think you’re well suited to a relationship either tbh.

You might find someone who is equally self sufficient who also wants to keep all their money to themselves but maybe it would be best for you to just stay single.
Just think how much time you’d have to count your money without the complications of a partner.

MzHz · 30/04/2021 11:18

In so far as committed to a future with her

MzHz · 30/04/2021 11:18

Isn’t the law in Scotland clear on this? You take out what you came in with?

79andnotout · 30/04/2021 11:19

I'm in a similar position, there's no way I'd get married. I said to my DP if we had kids or if we make it to old age together, we should get married, but otherwise what's the point? Fortunately he agrees.

I'm quite happy to share my earnings with him and I've bought our house, but if he chooses to earn less and have less security, then that's his choice, and it is a choice.

Souther · 30/04/2021 11:19

Somehow I dont think marriage is for you

If this is your thought process.
People generally get married because they cant imagine life without their significant other, but if this is what's going through your mind.
Either this isnt the right person for you, or marriage itself isnt for you.

motherloaded · 30/04/2021 11:20

Unless I am married, I don't consider myself in a serious relationship, not long-term. So either my partner is serious, and wants to marry me, or is not (and they are perfectly allowed not to be) and we can both move on.

Marriage to me means long-term and commitment. 🤷
It's not about what other people are doing, it's about MY relationship.

The question of kids and finance comes after. Now if my partner didn't want to marry me, there would be no long-term future anyway, but if they didn't want to marry because they are more wealthy and thought I would steal half their assets, I would be out in a minute! How insulting.

Yes you should protect yourself, and even more importantly your existing children if you have them, but the 2 are not contradictory.

Nothing wrong in having more casual relationships, not everyone has to be "the one" that you plan to spend the rest of your life with. You can have some fun too, and not have to commit with everyone. Life is too short.

Coronawireless · 30/04/2021 11:21

@Whoarethewho

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

Marriage is a legal contract to protect children and the children’s carer. That is all.
sweetypop · 30/04/2021 11:21

It's a hell no from me. You've worked hard, marriage is purely a contract. Fuck that

ForeverAintEnough12 · 30/04/2021 11:22

I think it’s fine not to want to get married. But it seems pretty clear that it’s more you don’t want to marry your current partner. There isn’t any love coming across in your post. I sincerely hope you haven’t strung this person along for 8 years with them thinking you would propose or that marriage was on the cards.

I would sit down and tell your partner you don’t want to get married to them (and it is to them not in general as this post is all about their earning potential which seems to be the most important thing to you). That you definitely don’t want kids with them and you certainly will not be sharing finance with them.

Personally I think this will likely spell the end of the relationship if your partner has any self respect. It would be good for them to go find someone who loves them ‘for better and for worse, for richer for poorer’.

In my case my DH was the higher earner, he bought our house - he put me on the deeds and we weren’t even engaged. I am worth more to him than my monetary contribution to the relationship.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2021 11:23

All I would ask is, have you made a will? What do you want to happen to your assets when you die?

TatianaBis · 30/04/2021 11:23

Why are you with someone who doesn’t contribute financially? Do they not work at all?

Everyone’s assuming OP’s a bloke. But it may have been written that way on purpose.

If OP were female everyone would be saying protect your assets and get rid of your cocklodger.

MzHz · 30/04/2021 11:24

I also want to say that this isn’t a BAD thing to think about

Nobody has a right to expect to come and take half the wealth of someone and if things go tits up, the financial loss to you @Whoarethewho could be life changing

You’re wise to consider the upshot and the downsides!

motherloaded · 30/04/2021 11:26

@TatianaBis

Why are you with someone who doesn’t contribute financially? Do they not work at all?

Everyone’s assuming OP’s a bloke. But it may have been written that way on purpose.

If OP were female everyone would be saying protect your assets and get rid of your cocklodger.

that's why I don't think they should even be living together.

The way that relationship is described, each partner should have their independence and own property.

Viviennemary · 30/04/2021 11:27

No don't get married. If you split up you will be fleeced of all you've got and worked hard for.

GeoffreyGeoffreys · 30/04/2021 11:28

No I think that's fair enough. Obviously he has the option to leave if marriage is important to him.

User5485421134 · 30/04/2021 11:28

One thing that jumped out at me is "my partner WANTS the big white dress\suit style wedding". So are they expecting you to pay for it all? Assuming they don't have other means to split the costs evenly such as parents offering to pay.

Someone expecting or demanding a huge wedding paid for by the higher earning partner is massively entitled and you are right to have reservations.

ittakes2 · 30/04/2021 11:28

It is very common in relationships for there to be a financial imbalance - but most people go into marriages with the view they will be together forever and want to share all their lives with that other person. If you don't feel that way - thats OK but you should tell your partner so they can decide if they want to stay with you or not.

BigFatLiar · 30/04/2021 11:31

If your partner wants marriage and children and you don't then tell the and let them seek a future elsewhere.

As for the divorce situation, standard MN advice for women is start planning your divorce as soon as you're married (if not earlier).

TheLastLotus · 30/04/2021 11:31

OP it makes absolutely no sense for you to marry. As you’re already subsidising your partner their entire salary is theirs to do with as they wish. Having been with your for years they should have accumulated a nice little nest egg of their own.
HOWEVER as silly as it sounds being proper married and having a nice wedding is a dream of mine (and many people). To be denied that because partner is wealthy feels a little sad.
Can you not make documents giving each other POA (and any other documents needed to bind each other) and have a wedding signing these instead do legal marriage papers?

Or since you can afford it get her to sign a more complex array of documents not just a pre-nuptial agreement?

Fizzwizzfozz · 30/04/2021 11:31

You clearly don't love this person so don't marry them.

I have a friend who is a minimum wage tea lady in a hospital canteen and she met a very highly paid medical executive while she was serving up his chips. They're besotted with eachother totally in love and are now married. Neither of them have changed their jobs or worries about divorce and they're very happy.

Fireflygal · 30/04/2021 11:31

Most people agree YANBU as long as your partner is completely aware and you haven't tried to fudge the issue.

If they are aware finances are important to you, more than the relationship they have a choice to stay or leave.

Money can be an area of conflict in relationships so you have to be compatible and we are all responsible for our financial situation. Marriage however makes that a responsibility joint..but it isn't for everyone.

Synthesiser · 30/04/2021 11:32

@TatianaBis

Why are you with someone who doesn’t contribute financially? Do they not work at all?

Everyone’s assuming OP’s a bloke. But it may have been written that way on purpose.

If OP were female everyone would be saying protect your assets and get rid of your cocklodger.

It says in the OP's first (and only) post that they work full time.
motherloaded · 30/04/2021 11:32

@User5485421134

One thing that jumped out at me is "my partner WANTS the big white dress\suit style wedding". So are they expecting you to pay for it all? Assuming they don't have other means to split the costs evenly such as parents offering to pay.

Someone expecting or demanding a huge wedding paid for by the higher earning partner is massively entitled and you are right to have reservations.

It wouldn't be a MN thread without posters having to project massively!
TheLastLotus · 30/04/2021 11:33

Also forgot to add - WHY is your partner not paying anything? Is it something you’ve both decided?
As pp have said if you were female MN would be screaming ‘get rid of the cocklodger and do not marry or have children with him’