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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage between two parties who are massively different earners is too bigger risk for one patry

319 replies

Whoarethewho · 30/04/2021 09:34

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

OP posts:
araiwa · 30/04/2021 10:04

Op is entirely correct.

Massive risk if you're wealthy and the other isnt

araiwa · 30/04/2021 10:05

@HollowTalk

Are you male and your partner female?
Why does it matter?
Lockheart · 30/04/2021 10:07

Do you want to get married?

Do you want to marry them?

Do you want to share your life and all you have with them?

Do you think their motives for wanting to marry you are less than pure?

If you're worried that your partner is going to leave you and take half your assets then I'd suggest this isn't a strong enough relationship to be going into a marriage with.

FoxgloveBee · 30/04/2021 10:08

Regardless of whether you are male or female and how much you earn, I would never remain in a relationship where the other partner contributed nothing (I don't mean financially here). Just because you earn six times their salary, it does not mean that they should pay nothing.

Also if you are arguing as much as you say, I would never get married.

Rubyrecka · 30/04/2021 10:09

@Temp023

Well, aren’t you the romantic? Explain all this to your partner exactly as you have written it down here and I think you will find that your problem will just disappear!
Absolutely!

There's being pragmatic but this is just highlighting your either with the wrong person or you are so risk averse financially that you'll never marry just in case you get divorced.

Poorlykitten · 30/04/2021 10:09

I suppose it depends whether you measure contributions only in financial terms?

Etinox · 30/04/2021 10:10

Fair enough.
There’s a complicating factor here as we don’t know the sexes and ages- if the partner who wants to get married is female and wants children that should be out in the open.

PegasusReturns · 30/04/2021 10:11

@RubyFowler

Sorry should have added, everything is 50% theirs once you get married, not once you divorce. Not legally it’s not.

Pyewackect · 30/04/2021 10:16

There is more to marriage than money but if you are hesitant in anyway, for any reason, then don't do it.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 30/04/2021 10:16

To me it doesn’t sound like you really want to be with him at all.

Poorlykitten · 30/04/2021 10:17

Also circumstances can massively change. I entered what looked like a very one sided relationship financially but due to job losses/changes and an unexpected windfall, that completely reversed.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 30/04/2021 10:17

Show her your post. Let her decide if she wants to be with you at all.

CP26 · 30/04/2021 10:18

It sounds as though the money is more important to you than your partner. If you don’t trust your partner’s motives or have faith in the relationship then I agree, don’t marry. In fact, leave altogether as it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

RubyFowler · 30/04/2021 10:20

[quote PegasusReturns]@RubyFowler

Sorry should have added, everything is 50% theirs once you get married, not once you divorce. Not legally it’s not.[/quote]
You're right. I was trying to say the marriage is about sharing all that you have with a partner. That's when the sharing takes place, not when you split up.

lljkk · 30/04/2021 10:20

Where's @Xenia when you need her...

I get your reasons, OP. And also that your partner may feel it's a very personal rejection.

Bourbonic · 30/04/2021 10:21

Is there not a way to ring-fence assets held prior to the relationship?

I suspect I'd feel similarly if I were in your shoes.

SonnyWinds · 30/04/2021 10:23

Just get a pre-nup. You're correct that they aren't technically legally enforceable in court but, in reality, judges will respect them in a divorce. They're used ALL THE TIME. Just get lawyers to discuss the situation with you and your partner and figure it out. If this is the only thing holding you back from getting married then it's a bit of a no-brainer from my standpoint.
It's worth remembering that marriage affords a lot of protection - if you died, where would you want your wealth to go, if you were in a coma then who would you want making the decisions, if your partner does become pregnant then your rights are vastly increased, etc etc. so you need to balance out the risks and the benefits.

OnlyInYourDreams · 30/04/2021 10:24

“I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. We’ve talked about marriage but he seems to be stalling. Thing is, he earns a lot more than I do and I think that he’s afraid to share his money with me.”

Want to guess how the responses to that one would go?

Dozer · 30/04/2021 10:24

YANBU not to want to marry or want DC with your partner, as long as you explicitly tell her that.

Scrfgkesjwjrf · 30/04/2021 10:25

Don’t marry I had a friend screwed in exactly your circumstances.

SonnyWinds · 30/04/2021 10:27

@OnlyInYourDreams

“I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. We’ve talked about marriage but he seems to be stalling. Thing is, he earns a lot more than I do and I think that he’s afraid to share his money with me.”

Want to guess how the responses to that one would go?

I'm curious how "I own my house outright and DP earns a lot less than I do and has no assets. DP is pushing me to marry them. I do love them but I'm worried I'll lose my house if the marriage doesn't work out" would go down.
Keepitonthedownlow · 30/04/2021 10:27

I think you should only marry if you are comfortable with saying "what's mine is yours". I get that would be harder of you have loads and they have very little in comparison. If you don't want to get married, don't. But maybe discuss how you are going to go forward considering there is a large wealth disparity. Your partner needs to make sure that he/she gets their own home and security separate to the relationship. They might be better off finding another partner who can meet them half way and truly build a life together.

Dozer · 30/04/2021 10:27

OP isn’t ‘stalling’, OP doesn’t want to marry their partner full stop, partly because they don’t want to share their financial assets. Which is fine IMO as long as OP is explicit about not wanting marriage/DC and doesn’t ask their partner to do anything to worsen their financial position or housing security.

Womencanlift · 30/04/2021 10:28

You only have to look at the relationship boards to see how quickly marriages change from loving to a disaster.

It is only sensible to consider that a break up could happen at some point and what would the implications of that be for each person.

Whether that is a show stopper to even start a marriage is a very individual consideration (even within a couple) but I don’t think it’s strange or unromantic to have that conversation

BoredatHome321 · 30/04/2021 10:29

@OnlyInYourDreams

“I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. We’ve talked about marriage but he seems to be stalling. Thing is, he earns a lot more than I do and I think that he’s afraid to share his money with me.”

Want to guess how the responses to that one would go?

They definitely wouldn't be calling him sensible that's for sure!
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