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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage between two parties who are massively different earners is too bigger risk for one patry

319 replies

Whoarethewho · 30/04/2021 09:34

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

OP posts:
motherloaded · 30/04/2021 11:33

On the plus side, I would never touch a married man, they made a commitment.

Anyone who is not married is fair game though!

Laggartha · 30/04/2021 11:34

This sounds like a journalist digging, but aside from that it sounds as though your DP wants a wedding rather than a marriage, so why not just have a massive party?

Dashel · 30/04/2021 11:35

I don’t think I would be keen on marriage in your position either OP, but do you have protection in place for your partner, like a will, medical owner of attorney etc?

I can see why your partner may feel that you have all the power, if you have so much money and the house is in your name. Have you thought about helping your partner get investments/savings of their own? So they feel financially secure?

I know. Couple in a similar situation to yourself where one partner held all the financial cards and was also a big spender so the poorer partner ending up getting in debt for the holidays and lifestyle expenses and so when they split up after 10 plus years they had debts and the other was richer than ever. So maybe there are other options than either sharing everything or sharing nothing.

CovidKids · 30/04/2021 11:40

@Laggartha

This sounds like a journalist digging, but aside from that it sounds as though your DP wants a wedding rather than a marriage, so why not just have a massive party?
It’s not. They wouldn’t make it past unpaid work experience with that grammar.
TubeOfSmarties · 30/04/2021 11:45

I don’t think money’s really even the main issue here. Marriage isn’t about the wedding. It’s about entering a partnership for life, which you should both believe in as you make your vows / enter a legally binding contract, even if as we all know, it doesn’t always work out that way. It’s very clear you don’t feel able to make that kind of commitment to your partner, and that’s ok. It’s just important that you both know where you stand.

sleepyhead · 30/04/2021 11:46

The op has already said that the partner does not contribute financially to housing or bills, and also that they both work full time.

If the partner isn't salting away some of their disposable income (and even if on minimum wage, it is a decent chunk of cash each month if no living expenses to pay) in pension, savings and investments then I don't see that it's really op's choice to make for them.

Op, you're quite right not to get married if you have any doubts at all for whatever reason. My only caveat would be that it's unfair to not be clear about your intensions - no marriage, no children, ever. Your partner can then make choices based on the full facts.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 30/04/2021 11:47

You must be very honest and upfront about not wanting children, stringing anyone along on that front is cruel.

But I wouldn't marry in your shoes, not now anyway. Perhaps in 20 years if you were still together. But not now, no reason to. You can do a ceremony if you just want the public declaration without the registry bit.

Donann · 30/04/2021 11:49

I don't blame you. I see your points.

2bazookas · 30/04/2021 11:51

Tell him to take his big white dress and a bunch of drunk mates to a beach for a stag night; while there he can text you some random vows and promises.

That should satisfy both of you, and you can still dump him later.

Dogfan · 30/04/2021 11:51

I'm not a lawyer but I would have thought you could agree a post nup so it is legally binding and have this all signed and ready to go then complete after the wedding? I got divorced from my husband (never thought in a million years I would!) And we were very evenly matched in terms of finances and it was still absolutely horrendous and he was trying to take all my money! I've seen a millionaire friend be taken to the cleaners by her husband who was on am incredibly good wage. I would never get married again unless I was financially protected. It doesn't sound like you are that keen to marry but if you decide to I think very reasonable to protect yourself

Applesonthelawn · 30/04/2021 11:51

If you don't want children, there is truly no point getting married in that situation.
I wish everyone were able to see through the lust/romance and assess on the basis of cold hard facts.
I raised a child outside marriage rather than marry someone with no work ethic (not the situation you are describing) so have no qualms about it at all. Have subsequently married someone who is my financial equal, very happily, totally committed.

Warofthebuttons · 30/04/2021 11:53

@Temp023

Well, aren’t you the romantic? Explain all this to your partner exactly as you have written it down here and I think you will find that your problem will just disappear!
Grin
crosspelican · 30/04/2021 11:54

If you don't want children, there is no need to get married. In fact, the Catholic church, technically a marriage can even be annulled under these circumstances.

If your partner wants the whole shebang, I wonder if they even entirely believe you about not wanting children, because it sounds like they want a more traditional relationship, and I would fully expect them to start looking wistfully at babies a few months after the wedding.

If you don't want children and you honestly thing you only have a 50/50 chance of staying together, you need to say that VERY PLAINLY to your partner, so that they can break up with you and find someone who wants what they want, if that's the case.

You are in no way wrong to be holding your ground. They are not going to be rendering themselves vulnerable to being abandoned with 3 kids under 5, no career and a nasty child support battle, so you're not being a jerk here, just pragmatic.

Goldenbear · 30/04/2021 11:55

I think you and your pension will be very happy together in old age!

zizza · 30/04/2021 11:57

You should only get married if you love and respect each other, and want to spend the rest of your lives together. I'm not reading that in the OP

Goldenbear · 30/04/2021 11:58

I don't really know why you have started this thread as it sounds like you have made up your mind anyway!

In all honesty, I think love is the determining factor in marrying someone, if that is not overwhelming enough and the financial consequences are your biggest concern then you are obviously not suitable for marriage.

TheLastLotus · 30/04/2021 11:58

@CovidKids would not put it past them - have you seen the trash in the daily Mail

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-9375481/amp/People-Mumsnet-reveal-hysterical-lapses-knowledge.html

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 30/04/2021 11:58

You're sadly right. Marriage is much riskier for you and I think that more women should pay attention to the financial implications of marriage.

YouJustFoldItIn · 30/04/2021 11:59

Are you male and your partner female?

I knew someone would ask this. Why should it matter? The OP says they don't want children and they are the one with the money here.

OP you don't sound cut out for marriage and that's absolutely fine.

You need to be clear to your partner about exactly how you feel. They may choose to leave you because you want different things and have different ideas about what being in a committed relationship should mean. That is also absolutely fine.

If your partner chooses to stick around then you need to make absolutely sure that you do not end up accidentally conceiving a child that you do not want. If you are the man in this scenario then that means getting a vasectomy ASAP. Anything else leaves you vulnerable to a situation not of your choosing which will cost you an awful lot of money whether you marry or not. Tell your partner you are having a vasectomy. Again, your partner may choose to leave you based on this information.

It sounds like you are best suited to only pursuing relationships with people who are already pretty financially independent.

Gilmoregale · 30/04/2021 12:01

Just wondering whether the patry who earns 6 times the salary might not be happier leaving to find someone else in the same financial ball park since resentment about money seems to be the defining feature of the situation?

Seventrees · 30/04/2021 12:03

I don't see why a court would award your partner 50% if you divorced - as they will have continued their job post wedding and there will be no children.

1111Cleopatra · 30/04/2021 12:03

I am in the exact same position as you and I definitely cannot see any benefits of marriage. I also like that we are not married, we are together because we want to be, not because a divorce would ruin one of us!

EmbarrassingMama · 30/04/2021 12:04

This isn't about marriage; this is about you and your relationship.

Don't get married to a man you clearly don't want to marry.

KateWinceyette · 30/04/2021 12:04

Are you going to come back and engage in the conversation, OP?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/04/2021 12:06

They contribute nothing financially

I'm surprised so few have picked up on this

Why don't they contribute financially? Because much of my response would depend on this - and FWIW it would be the same response whatever the genders involved