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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister won't sign as 'Auntie'

248 replies

Boytrio · 29/04/2021 21:27

I get on really well with my sister, we've always been close even when she moved to America. She doesn't want children though sometimes I suspect it's her husband who doesn't want children and she doesn't have a choice. Either way, I feel sad for her and what she is missing out on and I hope she/they will change their mind. I always assumed she would love my children as if they were her own, like I do my nephew (brothers son). It has come as an unpleasant surprise that she can act so hostile towards them. Sometimes she's wonderful - one was born on her birthday and she said it was the best birthday present ever. She is also an awesome whatsapp dinosaur buddy. And then there are other times when I just wonder what is going on inside her head. She has yet to meet my three year old (I would have been desperate to go to America and meet my niece/nephew if she had one but meeting mine seem to be low priority). She also consistently signs herself by her name without the 'Auntie' title. For me, being an Auntie is a joy. It feels like she is rejecting my children by denying them that special relationship. I've asked her about it and she said it should be their choice whether they call her Auntie or not. Quite frankly I find it bizaare to put that decision making on toddlers - surely you'd just call yourself Auntie and then accept it was their decision to stop when they were older and have more advanced comprehension? Am I being unreasonable to expect more enthusiasm than this?!

OP posts:
DonLewis · 30/04/2021 06:58

Only hear to find out what an awesome WhatsApp dinosaur is

But, while I'm here, op, the auntie thing is silly. Feeling like your sister isn't bothered is less so, but not everyone will love and adore your children the way you do, even if it's your sister.

TooBored1 · 30/04/2021 07:15

I never use aunt/uncle etc as titles - never saw the point? Should your son sign himself as Nephew Bob?

TulipsTwoLips · 30/04/2021 07:45

People who think others would secretly like to be more like them are incredibly self centred. In the kindest way, I think you need to look beyond your own world view.

Livpool · 30/04/2021 07:54

YABU just for being upset for her that she doesn't have children. I know lots of people who are happily child free

thecatsthecats · 30/04/2021 07:58

Love your children as her own - the own she chose not even to exist? Lol.

Weeedonkey · 30/04/2021 08:01

Sorry OP I couldn’t get past this She doesn't want children though sometimes I suspect it's her husband who doesn't want children and she doesn't have a choice. Either way, I feel sad for her and what she is missing out on

This triggered me as someone who likely can’t have children and family have asked if it’s DP’s choice I’m going along with. It’s not good to assume these things also ‘sad for her and what she’s missing out on’ is a bit of a kick in the teeth too.

sammylady37 · 30/04/2021 08:16

Gosh, this has to be one of the most self-absorbed posts I’ve ever read here, and some of those agreeing with the op are also quite hilarious.

Your sister doesn’t want children. That’s a perfectly valid life choice and not one which should draw pity, scrutiny or even comment from you.

Your children are just that, yours. Wonderful and precious to you, and presumably their father, but not so much to others.

Being an aunt is not a privilege, it’s something foisted upon you by someone else’s life choices. I have adult niblings who aren’t very nice people and frankly, I’d prefer not to be related to them.

On the other hand, I have niblings who I adore. They don’t call me auntie, but that doesn’t signify anything about our relationship. They know I love them, that’s not in any doubt. They know that because of my words and actions, how I interact with them etc, not because of a title. My sister and I have no lesser a relationship because I call her Sarah and not Sister Sarah. If your relationship to someone relies on the use of a title to signify its strength then frankly it’s not a very good relationship, if you ask me.

Member984815 · 30/04/2021 08:16

My nieces and nephews call me by my name , my kids call my siblings by their names .

sammylady37 · 30/04/2021 08:18

@TulipsTwoLips

People who think others would secretly like to be more like them are incredibly self centred. In the kindest way, I think you need to look beyond your own world view.
This. It’s a strange mix of arrogance, ignorance and small mindedness.

I’ve done it X way, that it therefore the correct and only way, anyone who chooses any other way is wrong, missing out, being made fo it by someone else, just doesn’t realise what they’re missing etc.

I feel sorry for people who have such a narrow view of life.

Homehelpneeded · 30/04/2021 08:22

Wow, 9 pages and op has only written one reply.
I'm pretty sure this was wind up to just get reactions.

In the very slim case it isn't, what an entitled, selfish person you are.
This made me rage tbh, I struggle to have children. Lucky have got one DC conceived my ivf. Multiple failed round and signed myself off now to never having more children.
If your sister genuinely wants children, but can't or won't, for whatever reason- you have no idea of the pain and how hard it is to muster enthusiasm for those who have children.
I'm always happy for my friends who get pregnant/have children, however I can't face baby showers and i don't go around enthusiastically pretending that I'm over the moon and the kinds are so precious to me. They're not.
Even if your sister has chosen not to have children, it's not for her to be mooning over yours.
Your incredibly unreasonable and selfish.

Hence why I'm pretty sure this can't be genuine thread, with the singular response to 9 pages of replies?

Bewareoftherabbits · 30/04/2021 08:25

Oh god haha, I know you love your children, but they aren't God's gift to the planet and your sister's life doesn't revolve around them. She doesn't want kids, she isn't missing out, she is living her best life, and to be quite honest being expected to worship someone else's children is very irritating.

I will worship my children when I have them, but to most other people they will be boring and annoying I'm sure

gottakeeponmovin · 30/04/2021 08:26

@Holly60 you sound like really hard work. The fact that you are judging relationships based on a title (which is a very old fashioned title IMO) in stead of the actual relationship is very shallow. Using the title aunt does not denote how close someone is or isn't as a family it's just something you chose or not. I have aunts who are family, and aunts who are not family on one side. On the other side I don't call any of them aunt but we are still really close. I call my husbands Aunt Auntie but I am not as close to her as my real Aunts I call by their first name. Different families and different cultures do different things and we can all make our individual opinions on what we want to be called but it doesn't indicate how happy we are as a family. It's just a matter of preference

Holly60 · 30/04/2021 08:39

[quote gottakeeponmovin]@Holly60 you sound like really hard work. The fact that you are judging relationships based on a title (which is a very old fashioned title IMO) in stead of the actual relationship is very shallow. Using the title aunt does not denote how close someone is or isn't as a family it's just something you chose or not. I have aunts who are family, and aunts who are not family on one side. On the other side I don't call any of them aunt but we are still really close. I call my husbands Aunt Auntie but I am not as close to her as my real Aunts I call by their first name. Different families and different cultures do different things and we can all make our individual opinions on what we want to be called but it doesn't indicate how happy we are as a family. It's just a matter of preference [/quote]
Oh for goodness sake. I’ve not made any judgements about anything. I’ve expressed surprise and I’ve talked about what it’s like in my family. We are close and like to use titles as I’ve stated. I’m not saying that if you don’t use titles it means you are not close. I don’t know any of you IRL so how on earth could I make a judgment about your family ties? However you DO seem to have judged me and have called me hard work simply because I’ve given an explanation of why we do things the way we do in our family. To be honest I question why my explanation of my family dynamics bothers you in the slightest. If you are happy with the way you do things and I am happy with the way I do things then surely that’s all that needs to be said on the subject.

AllThatisSolid · 30/04/2021 10:24

Being an aunt is not a privilege, it’s something foisted upon you by someone else’s life choices. I have adult niblings who aren’t very nice people and frankly, I’d prefer not to be related to them.

I have some wonderful nieces and nephews, and ever since they were babies all but one of their parents (and this was my sister in law, tellingly) has allowed me - or actually just acknowledged the reality of the fact that their children are separate people and will have relationships (such as with me as their aunt) that are nothing to do with them as parents.

So @Boytrio you really need to stop your judgementalism and your condescension towards your sister. You want to control her relationship with your DC - you can't. That is your DC's relationship, not yours.

worriedatthemoment · 30/04/2021 10:43

In my family we do aunty/ uncle bit but generally it gets dropped as kids older and no one would be bothered if someone was to not say auntie , in fact my kids don't really refer to auntie / uncle mostly just use first name but I would buy a auntie card etc
But why is your sister missing out if she doesn't want kids , not everyone does and thats fine and their choice
Also maybe she couldn't afford to come over and meet your last child , do you plan to go over and visit her ?

TulipsHyacinths · 30/04/2021 11:24

I really hate the ‘auntie’ title when it’s foisted upon me. It sounds twee and ridiculous. Let them call her by her first name - it should be her choice.

Honeydrops5 · 30/04/2021 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2021 14:25

Even if it's a troll thread, OP might still not have made up Dinosaur buddies,

[hopeful]

Homehelpneeded · 30/04/2021 15:52

@MrsTerryPratchett

Even if it's a troll thread, OP might still not have made up Dinosaur buddies,

[hopeful]

True. Can we turn this thread around? To guesses on what "what's app dinosaur buddies" are?

Much more interesting than some troll who couldn't even be bothered to follow up with more amusing, rage inducing post further to the two they have posted.

We can turn this giant waste of thread space around!Grin

barnanabas · 30/04/2021 16:22

I prefer to be called my name by my nieces and nephews, but I don't feel strongly. One of their mums tends to use auntie etc, and I try to remember to do that with her kids, e.g. signing cards etc, but sometimes I forget and I don't think she gives it a great deal of thought either. I think she'd prefer to be known as Aunty Sally, but my kids often just refer to her as Sally. The other aunty, Jess, is always known by a nickname ('Stink') in the family, and my kids call her Stink or Aunty Stink sometimes. They've never called her Jess, and didn't even know that was her name until they were school age. Again, I don't think she really cares. I just don't think it's that big a deal. I certainly wouldn't take it as a reflection of how she feels about your children.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/04/2021 16:40

Your sister sounds ace.

You. Precious and irritating at best.

How the hell is not signing herself Auntie on things and suggesting your kids can decide what title to give her, if any, when they are old enough to do so, hostile? To me that sounds very sensible, reasonable and as if she views your kids as people in their own right who can make their own choices.

As for not rushing across a great distance and large ocean to meet your children.. well you haven't dragged them to the US to see her have you?

gottakeeponmovin · 30/04/2021 17:56

@Holly60 you were implying you get called auntie because your family are so close. You are called auntie because thats what you want to be called and that's how your family do things. Being close is irrelevant

Wishimaywishimight · 30/04/2021 18:05

I have never called my aunts or uncles anything other than their first names, I find "aunty" rather twee and Enid Blyton-ish. Look, she's not that interested in any children by the sounds of it, just leave it alone. I am neither a mother nor an aunt and my life is just fine and dandy. I would find any suggestion that someone felt sorry for me or wished I would change my mind about having children to be utterly patronising and unwanted.

Cassilis · 30/04/2021 18:07

My sisters are a bit like OP, but they also think I should be spend loads of time picking out presents for their DC, sending birthday cards etc. They don't even send texts on our birthdays!

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 30/04/2021 18:13

The OP has come back and admitted she's unreasonable. The people coming on in frothing rage are the ones coming across poorly.