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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My sister won't sign as 'Auntie'

248 replies

Boytrio · 29/04/2021 21:27

I get on really well with my sister, we've always been close even when she moved to America. She doesn't want children though sometimes I suspect it's her husband who doesn't want children and she doesn't have a choice. Either way, I feel sad for her and what she is missing out on and I hope she/they will change their mind. I always assumed she would love my children as if they were her own, like I do my nephew (brothers son). It has come as an unpleasant surprise that she can act so hostile towards them. Sometimes she's wonderful - one was born on her birthday and she said it was the best birthday present ever. She is also an awesome whatsapp dinosaur buddy. And then there are other times when I just wonder what is going on inside her head. She has yet to meet my three year old (I would have been desperate to go to America and meet my niece/nephew if she had one but meeting mine seem to be low priority). She also consistently signs herself by her name without the 'Auntie' title. For me, being an Auntie is a joy. It feels like she is rejecting my children by denying them that special relationship. I've asked her about it and she said it should be their choice whether they call her Auntie or not. Quite frankly I find it bizaare to put that decision making on toddlers - surely you'd just call yourself Auntie and then accept it was their decision to stop when they were older and have more advanced comprehension? Am I being unreasonable to expect more enthusiasm than this?!

OP posts:

PerspicaciousGreen · 29/04/2021 21:36

You are being hugely unreasonable. Stop projecting your desires onto her. She chats to your 3yo about dinosaurs on WhatsApp and you think she's a shit aunt because she just wants to be called by her name and hasn't rushed over to see your baby who first was a potato who wouldn't even recognise her and would probably vom on her and then was in another country during a global pandemic? And you pity her for not wanting children so much that you can't even believe what she personally tells you she wants? I always try to be nice and sympathetic to OPs even when I disagree, but you need to take a good hard look at your priorities here and imagine your dino-chatting sister reading your post. You are absolutely in the wrong here.

MichelleScarn · 29/04/2021 21:37

I really want a dinosaur buddy 🦕🦖

RowanAlong · 29/04/2021 21:37

I think she sounds very different from you, and you have unreasonable expectations from someone who doesn’t want children or has decided not to have them. The not being styled as ‘auntie’ thing is totally her choice!

HilaryBriss · 29/04/2021 21:37

Wow, I'm glad you are not my sister! You are being completely unreasonable.

We have been in a global pandemic for the last 12 months so she won't be able to visit, plus it is expensive to fly from the US, maybe she can't afford it? Tbh, I doubt I would fly halfway round the world just to meet a baby.

Not everyone wants or likes children, don't assume that her husband is removing that choice.

FilthyforFirth · 29/04/2021 21:37

Haha I am a lone voice agreeing with you on this. All my family are super close and I would find it beyond weird to not sign cards Aunty or have my siblings refer to themselves by just their first name.

But I accept we seem to be in the minority!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/04/2021 21:38

I call my closest auntie and uncle by their names without the prefixes and I always have, they were younger than my parent and didn't want to be called it. My other parent always called their siblings auntie x and uncle y and I've always felt it a lot more formal.

It's just a name. It has no bearing on anything

RoseMartha · 29/04/2021 21:38

On a card I sign 'Auntie Rose'

In person they call me Rose.

Doesnt bother me at all.

I cant see it matters, the actual relationship that you share with them is the important thing.

themalamander · 29/04/2021 21:38

*other than

PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2021 21:38

@FilthyforFirth

But I accept we seem to be in the minority!

Why is that weird? Whether they call themselves “Aunty” or not makes no difference to the relationship.

Lou98 · 29/04/2021 21:39

Either way, I feel sad for her and what she is missing out on and I hope she/they will change their mind.

You sound incredibly patronising. Loads of people are perfectly happy and content not having children, they don't need you "feeling sad" for them when they've made that choice. If you come across like that irl then that probably explains why she hasn't been over to see you in 3 years.

YAB very U! I never called my aunties "auntie x" or "auntie y" - I still know they're my aunt and I still love them the same. I find it very odd you're so hung up about it.

To be honest it sounds like you're expecting far too much. America is hardly right round the corner, assuming you're in the UK it's a long and expensive flight, plus needing to use holidays etc. You love your kids because they're yours, she can still love your children without constantly wanting to talk to them/see them etc. You should be focusing on the fact that she's actively buying them cards for birthdays/occasions etc and not how she signs her name 🙄

PercyPiginaWig · 29/04/2021 21:39

@PurpleDaisies

I am now wondering whether this is a reverse...

As annoying as they are that would make sense. I have lots of aunts and uncles and mostly call them by their name, my nieces and nephews just call me Percy, some cards say auntie and some don't. It's not a sign of how much love there is. DH's sister likes the whole auntie and uncle title, we try to remember but don't stress over it.

lanthanum · 29/04/2021 21:39

You can be a great auntie without needing to use the title in everything.

I think there was a time when everyone used the title, because it would have been seen as inappropriate for a child to call an adult by just their first name without Aunt/Uncle in front. Now that we're all more used to just using first names with almost everyone, I think many people feel awkward adding Auntie in.

It's difficult when there's a big distance, and you have to accept that visits are going to be few and far between. My uncle has lived in the USA all my life, and we saw him at most about every three years. We were basically his only family, too. At least now there are ways to keep in touch in other ways.

purplecorkheart · 29/04/2021 21:39

Your poor sister. She can love your kids but not want kids of her own. I have seven aunts, I do not remember any of them signing birthday cards as Auntie xxx, however I never for one second doubted they love me. Please don't make you children doubting your sister love by projecting your issues with your sister on them.

Have you ever asked your sister about her holiday leave entitlement? I have relations working in the USA. There holiday leave entitlement is tiny so transatlantic trips can be hugely costly because of having to take unpaid leave etc

Pumpkyumpkyumpkin · 29/04/2021 21:40

WTAF is a dinosaur buddy?

You sound a bit unhinged btw. Leave your poor sister to live her life as she wishes

Tossblanket · 29/04/2021 21:40

😂

This has to be a wind up surely.

Unbelievable.

Neonprint · 29/04/2021 21:40

Sorry you lost me at I feel so sad for her because she won't have kids.

You sound really self involved and like a bit of a knob. I can't imagine being so caught up in myself. Wow.

ShallWeStartTheMeeting · 29/04/2021 21:40

I've always called my uncles and aunts by their first name.
My nephews and nieces do the same to me. I'd actually hate it if they called me 'aunt' as I find twee.
I still love them though.

ChocOrange1 · 29/04/2021 21:40

She hasn't travelled from America to meet your child. Presumably you haven't travelled to America to visit her either. So surely you are equally at fault there.

I think you're being really unreasonable. My mum hated being called Auntie because it made her feel old. She liked being an Auntie but just didn't want to be referred to as such. I don't know what the big deal is.

1678bfj7 · 29/04/2021 21:41

Your entire post is simply bonkers.

SionnachRua · 29/04/2021 21:41

Dear Diary,

Today in MN nonsense, there was a new low.

RosesAndHellebores · 29/04/2021 21:42

DH's nephews and niece who live in the Antipodes have never called him uncle. DH calls his aunts and uncles by their first names and always has.

Paradoxically I am the only child of two only children so have no aunts, uncles or cousins but my best friend - also an only - and I brought up our DC to call each other auntie x and auntie y (She and I are godmothers to our eldest and our husbands are godfathers to our youngest). All grown up now but all the children still use the labels.

ShallWeStartTheMeeting · 29/04/2021 21:42

Women are allowed not to have children too by the way.
And regarding the trip, she might not be able to afford it and.... covid?

Orangebug · 29/04/2021 21:42

I've never signed myself as Auntie Orangebug. I hope I haven't been inadvertently annoying my brother all these years!

PenfoldPenny · 29/04/2021 21:42

Im I havent got a sister but I wouldnt want one who behaved like this.

Sarahlou63 · 29/04/2021 21:43

Ha! When I met my youngest nephew (he lives in Australia) I told him we'd go clubbing, get drunk and eat burgers at dawn. He loved the idea. His dad had to remind me he was seven years old...

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