My sister won't sign as 'Auntie'

[Boytrio]

I get on really well with my sister, we've always been close even when she moved to America. She doesn't want children though sometimes I suspect it's her husband who doesn't want children and she doesn't have a choice. Either way, I feel sad for her and what she is missing out on and I hope she/they will change their mind. I always assumed she would love my children as if they were her own, like I do my nephew (brothers son). It has come as an unpleasant surprise that she can act so hostile towards them. Sometimes she's wonderful - one was born on her birthday and she said it was the best birthday present ever. She is also an awesome whatsapp dinosaur buddy. And then there are other times when I just wonder what is going on inside her head. She has yet to meet my three year old (I would have been desperate to go to America and meet my niece/nephew if she had one but meeting mine seem to be low priority). She also consistently signs herself by her name without the 'Auntie' title. For me, being an Auntie is a joy. It feels like she is rejecting my children by denying them that special relationship. I've asked her about it and she said it should be their choice whether they call her Auntie or not. Quite frankly I find it bizaare to put that decision making on toddlers - surely you'd just call yourself Auntie and then accept it was their decision to stop when they were older and have more advanced comprehension? Am I being unreasonable to expect more enthusiasm than this?!

[quote Nesski]@Awwlookatmybabyspider yes it's MN rage, easy to be inconsiderate about other people's feelings when typing behind a screen.[/quote]
I think maybe it is just that many of us can see the sister is not that unreasonable. She is a dinosaur buddy, which sounds like some involvement. There has been a pandemic on. I know of lots of people who can only visit home every other year, for some of them their 'year' was 2020, and not everyone wants to sit on a plane for hours in the middle of a pandemic. It might be four years until they get back again in 2022 unless things open up quickly.

Many of us want to choose our titles. I see no reason for formalities and feel closer to my nephew without the baggage of a title.

I adore my nieces and nephews. I hate being called Auntie - to me that's a Norah Battyesque figure in a housecoat and carpet slippers. It's really naff and old-fashioned IMO.

@Cattitudes that's absolutely fine, but there is really a way to say it in a tone that isn't as awful as I've read on here. What's worse is that OP has gone as far as apologising and people are still bashing her! I'm not part of the 'be kind' movement but come on, does posting on an AIBU forum really need to be like this?

I have a myriad of relatives who "are" aunts and uncles. At least two-thirds of them have always just been referred to by me by their Christian name without any prefix since I was very little. At their request. It's not for you to decide how your sister wishes to be referred to.

Yes, you're unreasonable. But it also sounds like you're expecting her to be a second mum. The whole thing with being an auntie is you can decide how much you see the kids. It sounds like you have just assumed she doesn't want kids but you don't know the full story. Maybe she's having fertility issues or she's had losses and she finds it hard seeing you with yours. I am super close to my brother but he doesn't know I had a miscarriage last month. Not all of us tell everyone everything. Or maybe she really just doesn't want kids.

But what I will say OP is you sound like such a lovely and caring mum and auntie

Wow, I’m surprised at the number of people who are horrified at the idea of calling their aunts and uncles ‘Auntie (name)’ and ‘Uncle (name)’. For me, that’s always been expected the expected thing, at least for children. When I was growing up, we even called our parents’ friends’Uncle’ and ‘Aunty’, as it wasn’t the done thing for children to call adults by their first names.

I now have nieces and nephews and they call me ‘Auntie’, but admittedly they’re children. I won’t mind if they stop calling me that when they’ve grown up. (I don’t think I’d mind if they stopped now, as I’m now used to my DDs’ friends calling me by my first name. )

I’ve voted Yabu, though, because your OP sounds OTT and patronising about your sister and BIL not being parents. And your idea that they should love your DC as if they were their own, that’s just not realistic. I love my nieces and nephews but not like I love my DDs and my DSis (who I’m very close to) would think I was being ridiculous if I said otherwise.

Bizarre thread!

I call my dad's siblings "auntie" and "uncle". We are not close at all. We see them once every couple of years, at a big family gathering, and we have a nice polite conversation. Then I forget about them for a couple of years until the next family gathering, and I presume that they forget about me.

I'm much closer to my mum's siblings. See them more often and text/share photos etc in between. They are important in my life in a way that my dad's siblings are not. I have never called them "auntie" or "uncle". It's the relationship that matters, not the title.

Tbh, though, even with regard to the relationship, the OP's expectations seem off to me. She expected her DSIS to love her kids like she would her own? Really? I mean, I'm extremely fond of my nephew, but the love that I have for my dd is on a completely different scale. Do people really love nieces and nephews as much as they love their own kids, or is it only because the OP's sister has chosen not to have her own kids that she is expected to be besotted with other people's kids instead?

@Boytrio

Haha okay thank you, yes you're right. Sometimes it takes the cold hard truth to see beyond your feelings. And for the record, she has at times alluded to wanting a family but that her husband doesn't so yes - I maintain that I do find this sad and I worry she will have regrets later in life, but of course that is because I care about her not because I am projecting my ideals

What a disappointingly reasonable really to being told you're being unreasonable!

My niece and nephew call me Auntie [nickname].

Even at nearly 50, I still call my Aunts and Uncles Auntie Ann/Uncle Bob. I'm particularly close to one of my Aunts though and I call her by name.

I think you've had a bit of a battering OP, but your sister can (and should) do what she wants to with her life.

Either way, I feel sad for her and what she is missing out on and I hope she/they will change their mind

This is really fucking patronising.

As for the rest of it, yes, YABU. Of course she doesn’t have to be Auntie. She can just be T-Rex.

Christ.

I need to know more about being a WhatsApp dinosaur buddy.

“The auntie-title” 😂😂😂
What a cheerful way to start my day, thank you 🤣

My niece and nephew have never called me "auntie". My son doesn't call my brother "uncle".

I really want to know what a "WhatsApp dinosaur buddy" is. Do I need one?

[quote Holly60]@PurpleDaisies I think I just said I FELT lucky, which I do. I’m not suggesting anyone is objectively more or less lucky- it totally depends on what you feel is important. If you don’t want to be called auntie, then how can you be deemed to be unlucky if no one calls you auntie?[/quote]
Don’t worry...I think it’s clear what you are saying. I agree that using certain terms such as auntie fosters that feeling of closeness and love. Accept that it’s not the case in all families of course but when it’s the norm in yours I understand it seems strange not everyone sees it the same way!

I have never met my brothers children and he has never met mine as we both live abroad and it is extremely unreasonable to expect ANYONE to pay the huge costs of a long haul flight, not to mention taking time off work, etc, just to visit a baby. Skype exists and when she has time to visit she will. Alsp I don't call myself "Auntie" to any of my nieces of nephews and my children don't call their uncles or aunties by these names either - just their first names. It really isn't important. What do you expdft her to do - move to England to be an aunt?!!

YABU. Your expectations for your sister are very high, she already seems to be doing a lot more than a lot of aunts.
Every parents child is fantastic for them, it doesn't mean everyone has to feel the same.

I have never signed my self as aunt either, and none of my adult children do to their nieces and nephews.

I'm pretty sure this isn't real...I just wanted to say that I cringed reading your 'I feel sorry for her and hope she will change her mind' shit.

WHAT IS A DINOSAUR BUDDY?!!!

The only important question in all of this.

I’m in a similar situation. Moved to the US, have no children (although not by choice - have you ever considered that might be the case for your sister and her coping mechanism is to make it seem like she’s not interested in having children? Been there, done that!), have several nieces and nephews in the UK and hardly see them and don’t call myself “auntie”. It’s quite possible she gets little to no annual leave each year. And the cost of a flight from here to the UK is considerably more than the reverse itinerary. Have you considered visiting her at all? Why should she do all the running?

Are you truly that bored and have nothing better to do than make up all these weird thoughts about your sister?

YANBU. As their maternal Aunt she should be taking more interest.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider Why? And is it ok for a paternal aunt to take less interest, or are all aunts bound by this unwritten rule?

I like familial titles and DH's family are first names only, apart from FIL who is Grandad to his grandchildren. I do wish they weren't, l'll be honest, but I've had to get over it as they aren't budging. So I do have sympathy with your feelings about that.

Your attitude to your sister is puzzling though. Either she secretly wants a family and her husband (or undisclosed fertility issues) are preventing her, in which case it's understandable that she may want to keep her distance to protect herself; or she really doesn't want children and isn't interested in children, in which case it's understandable that she may want to keep her distance for that reason.

I'd focus on asking her about her job/interests/news and getting to know her again. It might be easier to understand what is going through her head if you can set your emotions aside and work on that.

You sound like a nightmare. No wonder she moved to America.

She says she doesn’t want kids and because you’re obsessed with yours and can’t see beyond your own feelings, you decide she wants them too and is just being denied by her husband

I have nieces and nephews and I simply won’t allowed them to call me Auntie, because it’s ageing! I’m not denying them that relationship, just a word.

You sound bonkers. No one loves your kids like you do.