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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister won't sign as 'Auntie'

248 replies

Boytrio · 29/04/2021 21:27

I get on really well with my sister, we've always been close even when she moved to America. She doesn't want children though sometimes I suspect it's her husband who doesn't want children and she doesn't have a choice. Either way, I feel sad for her and what she is missing out on and I hope she/they will change their mind. I always assumed she would love my children as if they were her own, like I do my nephew (brothers son). It has come as an unpleasant surprise that she can act so hostile towards them. Sometimes she's wonderful - one was born on her birthday and she said it was the best birthday present ever. She is also an awesome whatsapp dinosaur buddy. And then there are other times when I just wonder what is going on inside her head. She has yet to meet my three year old (I would have been desperate to go to America and meet my niece/nephew if she had one but meeting mine seem to be low priority). She also consistently signs herself by her name without the 'Auntie' title. For me, being an Auntie is a joy. It feels like she is rejecting my children by denying them that special relationship. I've asked her about it and she said it should be their choice whether they call her Auntie or not. Quite frankly I find it bizaare to put that decision making on toddlers - surely you'd just call yourself Auntie and then accept it was their decision to stop when they were older and have more advanced comprehension? Am I being unreasonable to expect more enthusiasm than this?!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2021 22:57

YANBU. As their maternal Aunt she should be taking more interest.

From America? The op hasn’t really said anything the sister has supposedly done wrong apart from not meeting a child when she lives in another country and not wanting to be called auntie (which makes no difference to a toddler).

lolacola77 · 29/04/2021 22:59

You sound idiotic. Just leave her alone!

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/04/2021 22:59

Meh a baby was born . The world didn't stop spinning.

It won't stop spinning because his aunt won't call herself aunty Rose either.

Some people really need to accept that their kid isn't and shouldn't be the centre of everyone else's world. Much less expect them to define themselves by the relationship with that child.

PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2021 22:59

I agree but I think what my family likes to do is SIGNIFY the strength of the relationship by using these titles
Even though it is the default in your family and there’s never been any consideration that anyone could do things a different way?

Holly60 · 29/04/2021 23:04

@PurpleDaisies

I agree but I think what my family likes to do is SIGNIFY the strength of the relationship by using these titles Even though it is the default in your family and there’s never been any consideration that anyone could do things a different way?
Yes (in a word) we come from generations of very close family. Family bonds have always played a massive part in who we are. My aunties were like second mums to me and my nieces and nephews are a massive part of my life. When I think about it, we use titles to show this to each other on a daily basis.
Holly60 · 29/04/2021 23:06

I referred to my aunties as Auntie (although actually with that older generation it was Aunty) all their lives. It was a way of me showing I remembered them looking after me and caring when I was tiny

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/04/2021 23:09

@Holly60

I referred to my aunties as Auntie (although actually with that older generation it was Aunty) all their lives. It was a way of me showing I remembered them looking after me and caring when I was tiny
But that applies to your family.

I also call my aunts aunty x and y. They're both twats and I have no relationship with them. I just call them that because that's what I always called them.

mustlovegin · 29/04/2021 23:10

'Auntie' is somewhat cringe. Would you be happy if she signed 'Aunt X' instead?

Holly60 · 29/04/2021 23:10

Of course it’s in my family. I couldn’t comment on what happens in other people’s families

Pinkyavocado · 29/04/2021 23:12

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Why do you think she’s missing out? Not every woman craves children! They don’t make your life! In fact if I could have my time again I wouldn’t have any. I don’t expect anyone to love my kids like I do!

I rarely speak to my siblings now but when I did I was fond of my nephews, they’re nice kids but that’s it.

Nesski · 29/04/2021 23:13

@Holly60 same here! I still call my mum's friends auntie even when I'm in my thirties, if would actually be disrespectful for me to call them their name. This is for my Asian side though, I would find it weird to call my white friends' parents auntie [insert name] though as the culture is different. My husband is Portuguese and they teach their children to say 'say hello to Tia [insert name]', I do well up, it's such a privilege the time has come for me to be an auntie!

minniemomo · 29/04/2021 23:14

I've never used auntie for my nieces and nephews. My brothers don't use uncle for my kids. We use names

24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 29/04/2021 23:15

I’m very close with my niece(4) (DB’s DD), I love her to pieces and we have a brilliant bond. She knows I’m her Aunty, however she doesn’t not call me Aunty, she calls me by my name, and cards ect are signed by my name and I don’t write Aunty.

It’s just a word.

I don’t call my brother ... Brother Dave (name changed) or my cousin.. Cousin Jeff. Why do I need to be ‘Aunty 24Drinking’?

You’re being sensitive.

PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2021 23:17

@Holly60

Of course it’s in my family. I couldn’t comment on what happens in other people’s families
You already did. You said their families were unlucky compared to yours.
Cattitudes · 29/04/2021 23:18

I'm not 'auntie' to any of my nieces or nephews. I was a teen when most of them were born, 'auntie' was some twee title held by an old lady that had an unlimited supply of Nice biscuits. Doesn't make me love my nieces and nephews any less, not being called Auntie.

Similar position, when I am 80 with permed hair and a blue rinse maybe I will let my nephew call me auntie. Doesn't seem to have scarred him just calling me Cat. We are actually really close and I know we are lucky to have that relationship but that is nothing to do with the title.

ShoppingPrecinctPrincess · 29/04/2021 23:19

My nieces and nephews live in a different country to me. I never miss sending them Christmas presents, birthday presents, Easter eggs etc. But I never sign off as 'auntie'. Hopefully they will cope with this slight against them!

nothingcomestonothing · 29/04/2021 23:19

I have never been called auntie, my DNs are now late teens. I have however cuddled them, listened to them, read them stories, taken them swimming, cleaned up their vomit, attended their school plays, bought them a trampoline and tried to mitigate the effect of my batshit SIL. The relationship is what matters, not the title.

Devlesko · 29/04/2021 23:21

[quote Nesski]@Holly60 same here! I still call my mum's friends auntie even when I'm in my thirties, if would actually be disrespectful for me to call them their name. This is for my Asian side though, I would find it weird to call my white friends' parents auntie [insert name] though as the culture is different. My husband is Portuguese and they teach their children to say 'say hello to Tia [insert name]', I do well up, it's such a privilege the time has come for me to be an auntie![/quote]
In my culture you don't call anyone older than you by their first name, except when you are both children.
Even primary age address teens as cousin/ name or brother /name.
Next generation are all aunties and uncles
I know other people have other ideas roo, my dsis has always chosen to be auntie (first initial) she created her own role as fun/cool auntie. They love her to bits and are very close to her now even as grown ups.
She'd still have been fun/cool without the title as that's who she is.

Holly60 · 29/04/2021 23:21

[quote Nesski]@Holly60 same here! I still call my mum's friends auntie even when I'm in my thirties, if would actually be disrespectful for me to call them their name. This is for my Asian side though, I would find it weird to call my white friends' parents auntie [insert name] though as the culture is different. My husband is Portuguese and they teach their children to say 'say hello to Tia [insert name]', I do well up, it's such a privilege the time has come for me to be an auntie![/quote]
Ahh it is such a privilege - it’s lovely. And they will call you that forever and it never gets old Smile

Nesski · 29/04/2021 23:21

@24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed just thought I'd say that in my culture, you never call your older sibs by their names, it's always 'older brother' or 'older sister' and if you have 3 older sisters you'd call them oldest family sister, second family sister and then smallest family sister (literal translations, sounds normal in the language). And yes, we'd call our cousins 'cousin jeff', all terms of endearment.

grapewine · 29/04/2021 23:23

@bunglebee

Get a fucking grip. And maybe reread what you've written.
This. Fucking hell.

Me. Me. Me. And then me some more. Stop feeling sad for your sister that she has made a decision not to have children. It's her life. She's her own person. Ridiculous.

Holly60 · 29/04/2021 23:24

@PurpleDaisies I think I just said I FELT lucky, which I do. I’m not suggesting anyone is objectively more or less lucky- it totally depends on what you feel is important. If you don’t want to be called auntie, then how can you be deemed to be unlucky if no one calls you auntie?

Marcis · 29/04/2021 23:25

Reminded me of this!

My sister won't sign as 'Auntie'
timeisnotaline · 29/04/2021 23:26

@PurpleDaisies

Being someone’s auntie is a total privilege and it’s really sad she doesn’t see that.

That doesn’t depend on whether you are called auntie or not. It’s relationship not name.

My kids went through a phase of calling me by my first name. Was I supposed to freak out that I wasn’t their mother anymore?
AllThatisSolid · 29/04/2021 23:28

Your sister and your DC will have their relationship independent of you. And that’s how it should be. And your sister has every right to determine for herself what she would like her nephews and nieces to call her.

You sound smug and patronising about your life in comparison with your sister’s life. And very judgemental in spite of you emphasising how well you get on.