To leave job?? Daughter thinks I am

[whobubu]

I am thinking about leaving my job. I suffer with bad back pain and cannot work without my back hurting.

My 2 adult children are starting their careers soon and are living at home. I have asked them to pay £250 each when they start.

Daughter thinks IBU as she thinks I haven't tried e.g. using a standing desk. She says when I used to work in the office I was fine, my argument is I did full days rather than working a few hours daily as I do now (so I was able to have a couple of days break before). She thinks IBU because I will not be independent. She thinks I earn decent money for my PT work and that it is only a few hours a week. But my husband earns enough, we do not have a mortgage. My argument is that I have contributed to the family for many years. I feel like she is making me feel guilty for wanting to leave my job.

Daughter thinks I could survive for potentially another 50 years (I am early 50s) and so shouldn't leave work yet.

Who is BU?

Sounds like she's looking out for you and I really don't see the problem with her giving you what is actually good advice. You don't need to take it.

As someone with a chronic pain condition, I'd say you would be better managing your work/treatment/home life rather than stopping work.

Work pays for chiropractic treatments and massages, gym/spa membership etc.

I work part time, and find the reduced hours brilliant so I can prioritise exercise and relaxation in the time off. I used to go to a pool/sauna/steam room place, which was wonderfully helpful. I exercise every day- tai chi, physio and walking.

Make looking after your back the first priority, and you may feel well enough to work.

Also, back pain is depressing. You are at risk of slumping into the sofa and never moving again, which will make your back far worse.

* Basically OPs daughter is asking all the questions the OP should be considering. But instead it seems the OP is relying on a state pension which is over a decade away, or thinks she will die early enough for these issues to not be a problem.*

^This. OPs thinking is pie in the sky

@whobubu

How much is enough savings wise? It's a decent number. 6 figures

Do you know how much you need to live? Have you costed out how long your savings will last? You sound slightly clueless which is probably a lot of your DD’s worries. Are the savings in your name or DH’s?

I don't think your daughter is unreasonable. What happens if DH does lose his job? Or gets ill? 6 figure savings is a broad spectrum, 150k is very different to 950k & I would be a lot more comfortable with 250k having to last me from 68 onwards as opposed from early 50s

Yanbu.

If adult daughter is earning then she needs to contribute towards her keep.

Lots of people give up work in their 50s. I assume OP knows her financial situation better than internet strangers.

@whobubu read this www.which.co.uk/money/pensions-and-retirement/starting-to-plan-your-retirement/how-much-will-you-need-to-retire-atu0z9k0lw3p#headline_1

For a household they estimate 19k for essentials per annum. Much more if you want to go on holiday /change your car. Savings of 100,000k could soon go leaving you financially stretched or entirely dependent on state pension in older retirement.

When is your husband planning on retiring? Has he got a better private pension? It does sound like your daughter is right to be concerned for your future financial well-being.

Low 6 figures = not enough.

I’m not much younger than you. I have around 18 years until state pension and my work pension doesn’t kick in until I’m around 57 and is heavily penaltiedfor early access.

We have mid six figures in savings and investments through inheritance. There’s no way that retirement would be do-able for us both. And for one of us, it would place far too much weight on the other and there would be insufficient safety net if they were made redundant, became ill or died, even with the life insurance payouts, to keep the other one going for the rest of their life.

I will do anything I can to avoid being a financial drain on my children when I am much older. It’s all very well saying to them that I don’t want their help but I can’t imagine that they would want to see me suffering financially, just as I would do anything I can to keep my mother comfortable if she was financially stretched.

I assume OP knows her financial situation better than internet strangers.

Not based on replies they’ve given...

If you have even very large savings but no proper pension, that’s not enough. If that money way in your pension pot it would help later on but wouldn’t do anythjnh for the extended period before you retire. You also sound extremely financially naive and your children are probably concerned about needing to support you when you get to late 50s/e60s, which is a dehabilitating burden to put on them

@starfishmummy

Yanbu.

If adult daughter is earning then she needs to contribute towards her keep.

Lots of people give up work in their 50s. I assume OP knows her financial situation better than internet strangers.

Op doesn't seem very clued up from their replies. The quote about it only being a few years until state pension rings alarm bells, and nothing they have said since shows they have plans to manage an early retirement.

She has a point.
I am 53. I currently have 14 years til state pension, unless it gets pushed further away of course, which it could.
For me and DH these are the saving and spending years. A mix of enjoying life and banking some great holidays and saving fun money for retirement.
Our aim is 180000 before retirement. That should see us through 10 years of added extras in retirement.

@starfishmummy

Yanbu.

If adult daughter is earning then she needs to contribute towards her keep.

Lots of people give up work in their 50s. I assume OP knows her financial situation better than internet strangers.

You’ve misunderstood, no one is saying they shouldn’t pay their keep. That’s not the discussion. The discussion is about should thr op quit work. It does seem she’s looking at the kids starting work as an opportunity for her to stop as she can take money from them.

Her daughter is raising valid questions, and I assume she’s doing it because she cares about the op, even if the op doesn’t like to be questioned on her decision.

There’s a reason the daughter thinks the op needs the money from the kids. And she’s right, giving up work to rely on your children financially is not a good idea.

As someone who is much younger than you, with severe chronic pain in my back from degenerative disk disease.. if you can continue working you should, for as long as you can.. give the standing desk a try!

Also, while you haven't said, i'm assuming you've pressed your GP for a referral to a specialist Musculoskeletal dr? Or pushed for an MRI?

IF you haven't done either of those things, and just given up because your GP is unhelpful, you ought to do those things first.

As an example, a friend cashed in her pension at 57 - pension pot was about £980000.

She has an income from this each month that is broadly equivalent to my take home salary from working 30 hours. All well and good as part of a two income family.

Until her husband got cancer. Suddenly, on top of the fears for him and the impact on her children are the fears for how she will cope financially if he dies (obviously hopefully not but when you are given a 30% chance of the treatment succeeding the financial implications will weigh heavy).

Tell her to pay up or move out now...

@Chickychickydodah

Tell her to pay up or move out now...

Ops daughter has no problem paying the money. The issue is whether the OP should give up work.

Seriously?! It’s your life. So whatever the heck you want with it.

@Chickychickydodah

Tell her to pay up or move out now...

She’s no issue paying what are you on about?

I said YABU although I think it's reasonable for adult kids to be either paying rent (if you need it) or to put it into a sort of enforced saving for their own future if you don't. So I would separate the decision to work from the request for rent.
Beyond that I think people should work. You don't know what the future will bring, how much your pension pot may be decimated by future financial crises etc. Early 50's is very young to put all that on your spouse.
I'm very much in favour of women always being financially independent. It gives you huge freedom when the shit hits the fan.

I didn't vote because

YANBU if you can afford it, as long as you aren't reliant on the rent from your dcs - which you've said you're not.

But YABU because I don't think you're doing yourself any favours by seeing the backpain as something permanent and letting it influence huge decisions. Pps have suggested various things like yoga and pilates which might be worth trying, and you say yourself that you haven't tried a standing desk which I believe a lot of people find helpful.

Depends how much you'd get from taking your pension early. I left at 57 due to similar physical issues as the OP (arthritis in both hips, shoulders and hands). I opted to take a lower lump sum in favour of a higher monthly figure. I come out with £100 less than I was earning per month, which is fine as I'm not paying commuting petrol or buying smart office clothes, tights, shoes, lunches etc.

Tell her to pay up or move out now...

Are you on the right thread?

I would utilise some of your savings for investigating the back problem before doing anything else. Firstly I'd got back to the GP and explain you are at the point you cannot work with the pain and ask what is available to you, and I'd also raise this with HR and see if they cannot improve your working conditions in terms of a proper postural support chair and desk. I'd take up any physio or anything that could resolve this because what you do not want to end up partially crippled by pain by the time you retire - and then to spend another 30 years in pain is sheer misery (relative in this situation with a knee, sadly now beyond the age they will operate and is cursing the fact they didn't go private and have a knee op 10 years ago when they WOULD operate)