Friend erased all traces of me

[Bluevioletindigo]

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

@Bluevioletindigo

Apparently since this she's now trying to engage our other friend in conversations and analysis about this married man. I guess I started to feel like I was just an audience for it.

But you attacked her. I'm not saying you were wrong, and at the end of the day there was no mice way of doing it. She wouldn't have done a 180 turn and to be honest, I don't see what you got out of the friendship anyway

I don't know what your issue is, you have every right to tell her what you did but equally she has every right to end the friendship with you

"Pumper, it is each person's responsibility to respect societally agreed moral norms."

What's society's agreed moral norms? What society? What's legally acceptable in relationships in Germany, Australia, Spain or the US?

I'm frankly curious about your socially agreed moral norms.

I don’t understand posters saying you are nasty.

She’s doing an abhorrent thing, you didn’t want to support it. If that’s the end of the friendship so be it.

You were right, but now need to move on.

Not sure it’s really ghosting when you’ve basically ended the friendship. That’s certainly how I’d have interpreted the conversation. It doesn’t sound like you really like her anyway so not sure why you’re bothered.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, exactly. It’s not unreasonable for you to be at the end of your tether and feel like you’ve got nothing to lose telling her, but it’s not unreasonable for her to cut someone off who has basically just character assassinated her to her face.

There are pages and pages of married women on the internet who are not philosophical about the other woman who is sleeping with their husband because she is single. People are saying well if she doesn’t sleep with him then he will find someone else who will so it doesn’t matter, but it does matter. If you think of the power of sisterhood amongst women. If women refuses to knowingly sleep with married men wouldn’t an enormous amount of pain and despair be avoided. Without doubt, people can end a marriage without an affair, it would force men to be what we all long for them to be- accountable and it would involve a maturity where they didn’t cheat their way out of a marriage, they would actually end a relationship with maturity and mutual respect. The power that women have as a collective is an important thing but we constantly break ranks and betray each other.

@Pumperthepumper you’re being deliberately obtuse. Not a single person here has said that the man’s behaviour is the woman’s responsibility. We all think he’s scum and he could well cheat on the OP’s ex-friend if they get together.

That doesn’t mean the OP’s ex-friend isn’t ALSO a horrible person for engaging in behaviour that she KNOWS will deeply hurt another party. She knows that and yet carries on. Nothing to do with protecting the sanctity of marriage, everything to do with being a decent human being who doesn’t know kingly hurt others

@SparrowNest

Neither of you are being unreasonable, exactly. It’s not unreasonable for you to be at the end of your tether and feel like you’ve got nothing to lose telling her, but it’s not unreasonable for her to cut someone off who has basically just character assassinated her to her face.

Yes. The AIBU is about the OP being bewildered that her friend has cut her off. The rights and wrongs of what she said aren't really the issue here. The issue is that she's not empathetic enough to realise that if a friend gives you multiple reasons why they think you're really not a nice person, whether or not they're valid, you're not going to want to be around them.

'Why will the blame a woman for their husband's behaviour? what an idiot post.'

Well, it isn't - but of course you know that.

You apparently think if a woman who starts a 'relationship' with a married man (and, like one of your delightful friends, eventually marries him) and discovers a few years on that he is now in a 'relationship' with another woman, she'll shrug her shoulders and say 'Well; it's only what I did. She's not at fault. C'est la vie!'

Like fuck she would.

Pumper asks 'why is it her responsibility to respect his morality?'

Do you mean to ask why is it her responsibility to respect his marriage?

His marriage is not the issue. It is about respecting agreed norms. If everyone were to disregard the agreed norm, then there would be no point in having the agreed norm in the first place.

I think people might be confusing blame with responsibility. A married person can be blamed for approaching another person for sex. Both the married person and the AP have responsibility for their own actions.

I wouldn't want to be engaging in conversation with a friend about her affair either.
I dont understand why it couldn't have been a straight forward, we can still be friends but I don't want to discuss your affair. Done.
Seems like she's done you a favour OP.

I think the crux of it is that the OP felt like she was quite restrained and didn’t say half the things that she could have said in the hope that they could try and sort things out and still be friends. I think it has shocked her that her friend doesn’t even want to try and has just cut her off.

That doesn’t mean the OP’s ex-friend isn’t ALSO a horrible person for engaging in behaviour that she KNOWS will deeply hurt another party. She knows that and yet carries on. Nothing to do with protecting the sanctity of marriage, everything to do with being a decent human being who doesn’t know kingly hurt others

Bullshit. Next time you buy coffee think about how horrible you are for engaging in behavior that keeps Latin American and African growers in near starvation thanks to multinationals.

We all engage in behaviours that damage innocent people, we do it in our daily lives. The fact we don't think about it doesn't affect how we deal with our friendships, the people we close to us who we consider friends.

Her friend has put an end to the friendship. No drama.

@Phoenix121

Not sure where you're getting this idea from, pumper, that every woman on the planet must take responsibility for his marriage, or for his behaviour, or for his wife.

BTW, to answer your question about what happens when a woman accepts a married man's offer to have sex, well, what happens is - they have sex!

Exactly, and if the woman gets judged for it then she needs to take it on the chin. Not say "I can't help it if he's married".

*You apparently think if a woman who starts a 'relationship' with a married man (and, like one of your delightful friends, eventually marries him) and discovers a few years on that he is now in a 'relationship' with another woman, she'll shrug her shoulders and say 'Well; it's only what I did. She's not at fault. C'est la vie!'

Like fuck she would.*

You seem to have a very low opinion of women. My friends made conscious choices, mind you, they don't need a man to support them.

@Phoenix121

Pumper asks 'why is it her responsibility to respect his morality?'

Do you mean to ask why is it her responsibility to respect his marriage?

His marriage is not the issue. It is about respecting agreed norms. If everyone were to disregard the agreed norm, then there would be no point in having the agreed norm in the first place.

I think people might be confusing blame with responsibility. A married person can be blamed for approaching another person for sex. Both the married person and the AP have responsibility for their own actions.

But her actions have nothing to do with his wife. It’s his actions that do.

'You seem to have a very low opinion of women'

Gracious, no: just some women.

I think you did the right thing. I’d have done the same. I’m pretty tolerant of things friends do (hoping for the same back!) but wouldn’t want to listen to someone going on about chasing a married man. I’d just tell them I wanted to stay out of it, which is what you did by the sound of it. Friend’s reaction suggests that you’d be right to stay away from her now.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

'You seem to have a very low opinion of women'

Gracious, no: just some women.

Pity for you.

Wow. People being judgy and hostile because they perceive the OP to be... judgy and hostile. MN hypocrisy at its best.

OP your friend was clearly too cowardly to actually tell you she was upset, so she just ghosted instead. If she didn't want to continue your friendship after what you had said, she could have at least had the guts to say so.

I've been in a similar position myself (though with a different context to the original falling-out) and it's not nice. Regardless of the rights/wrongs of what you said to her, ghosting is so childish and imo a sign of not valuing a friendship at all. You're better off without someone who would do that.

I don't think you were unreasonable, but she clearly has different ideas and expectations regarding friendships.

I don't blame her either.

Maybe she'll come around but I wouldn't personally be chasing this one up.

There are lots of reasons why her actions do have much to do with the wife. Shared STDs springs to mind.

I have always wondered: why would a woman want to have sex with a man who is already having sex with another woman? Is there a shortage of single men out in the world now?!

If women refuses to knowingly sleep with married men wouldn’t an enormous amount of pain and despair be avoided.

No. The behaviour would manifest itself in some other way.

@Phoenix121

There are lots of reasons why her actions do have much to do with the wife. Shared STDs springs to mind.

I have always wondered: why would a woman want to have sex with a man who is already having sex with another woman? Is there a shortage of single men out in the world now?!

Again: STDs are his responsibility. The OP’s friend is not infecting his wife.