Page 12 | Friend erased all traces of me

Bluevioletindigo · 2021-04-29T08:32:53+00:00

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish. Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise. I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it. I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation. Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out. I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer. She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again. I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought. I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

Alondra · 29/04/2021 13:58

I criticized her behaviour towards me and her negative reaction to any positive news I had whilst constantly rushing to tell me if anyone had complimented her and so on.

I think there are more issues about your friendship that you disclosed in that first post, and frankly I stand to what I've said all along - your friendship is ove, move on.

Original poster

Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 13:59

But what is letting the friendship slide exactly? Ghosting? I don't see how that's any better

OP posts:

arcof · 29/04/2021 13:59

You did the right thing in telling her your feelings if they were bothering you, but honestly if you disliked her behaviour that much do you really even want her as a friend? I think you're feeling hurt because she was in the wrong yet she's the one who cut you off, not vice versa. But at the end of the day, aren't you better off without her? What did she bring to you life? Losing a friend can feel like a grief, a break up, but you'll get over it just like any heartache. If a man makes you feel like crap, the usual advice is to leave him. Same goes for friends. Stop thinking about her and move on.

CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 14:00

Alondra- Well if you are happy with the term socially limited animals then it depends whether the single people who facilitate the infidelity should be considered as part of social limitation. Then who defines the social limitation, these are big questions and are constructs of the moral code of that society at the time. But my point about integrity stands. Unless we decide integrity is a social construct, but then without social construct we are just animals following basic drives with no conscience or responsibility. Surely that is what we are striving not to be? I think this great for a debate but maybe abit much for this thread!!

chocorabbit · 29/04/2021 14:01

OP, don't go on asking her what happened or even apologise as you are not in the wrong in the slightest. In fact, you shouldn't have done now but it's done. She was not your "friend" as she only needed you to talk about that man who was her real interest and her own problems.

There are many self-absorbed people who have identified with her. People can't seem to tell the difference between critisism, even severe critisism and personal attack.

DrSbaitso · 29/04/2021 14:02

@Bluevioletindigo

But what is letting the friendship slide exactly? Ghosting? I don't see how that's any better

It's not a morality competition. You don't like her and aren't prepared to hear her banging on about her affair. She doesn't like you and doesn't want to hear about your troubles.

Who cares if there was a goodbye conversation in which you both blasted each other for your relative perceived failings? Makes no difference.

If it helps to think you would never do the things she's done, think it. And enjoy your freedom from this toxic non-friendship that she's released you both from. It doesn't sound like you miss her as much as you're angry that she took the control in ending it.

Alondra · 29/04/2021 14:03

@Bluevioletindigo

But what is letting the friendship slide exactly? Ghosting? I don't see how that's any better

How can you ghost her when she's already deleted you? Just let it go.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 29/04/2021 14:03

Ok. I don't dislike people for no apparent reason, like I said in my post there have been very good reasons over the years and I had just had enough.

You don’t like her. You told her. She’s blocked you. What’s the problem? Did you want her to beg?

It doesn’t sound like it was a friendship bringing anything positive to your life. Time to move on.

MistsofAvalon · 29/04/2021 14:04

OP you've had unreasonably harsh responses here.

For what it's worth I think you were well within your rights to draw attention to being fed up with talking and analysing this affair when you're so uncomfortable with it and also your friend's quite poor behaviour towards you generally.

I too have had to say similar to a close friend when we were on holiday. That I couldn't spend all day every day we were due to be away discussing someone she was having an affair with. It caused a bit of tension and I was called 'disapproving' but we got past it.

Some people have paper thin skin when it comes to perceived criticism though so it's hurtful but not surprising that your friend cut contact. That doesn't mean it was wrong to say it though.

Do you actually miss her in your life? It might just be that you're feeling guilty (which I don't think you need to, by the way).

Whydidimarryhim · 29/04/2021 14:04

I don’t think you have done anything wrong.
She wants to talk about herself and her unhealthy relationship - you’d had enough - nothing wrong with that.
She’s found someone else to off load on - you are redundant - be thankful 😀
I had a friend like that - me me me - she was in a relationship with an alcoholic and kept threatening to leave him and did nothing but complain. I once said “don’t you think people get fed up of listening to the same issues you talk about” her response “No, I like to talk about it”
She didn’t want to do anything about the relationship- some people like to moan - my problem was I felt she needed help fixing it!!!
I’ve learnt now and I avoid her.
Ignore the trolls. 😀
I say well done for calling her out.

CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 14:07

OP, I think if your friend follows the same pattern of behaviour with the people she is now using to talk endlessly about the affair then she is going to start to realise hopefully from their reaction over time that she is wearing people out with it. if the affair ends without the husband leaving his wife to be with your friend then there is a good chance she will get in touch when she can see with hindsight how self absorbed she has been. You sound sad and maybe underneath the anger she feels sad too but while the affair consumes all her energy she is not going to think about it. Sorry about your breakup.

Alondra · 29/04/2021 14:14

@Bluevioletindigo

Ok. I don't dislike people for no apparent reason, like I said in my post there have been very good reasons over the years and I had just had enough. But say whatever you like.

If you have had enough of the friendship because you feel used, good on you for calling it quits.

But this is not what your opening post is about!

Original poster

Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 14:15

No i did not tell her "I don't like you". Anyway most of the replies are respectful, I have to understand why she's done what she has and that some people respond differently to criticism but indeed I am surely better off without her and it was an unhealthy friendship. I'm sure I can move on.

OP posts:

DontBeRidiculous · 29/04/2021 14:22

Her willingness to pursue a married man is proof, imo, that she's essentially a selfish person, so it's hardly surprising that she's a selfish friend, as well. You made things uncomfortable for her, so she's cut you out of her life. I'd respect that and forget about her.

You're better off without her, to tell the truth. Time to find a better friend.

Goblin74 · 29/04/2021 14:47

It's draining listening to a person drone on about themselves and their negativity all the time. Imo you did nothing wrong and should try find the relief in the friendship ending.

saraclara · 29/04/2021 14:53

@Bluevioletindigo

No i did not tell her "I don't like you". Anyway most of the replies are respectful, I have to understand why she's done what she has and that some people respond differently to criticism but indeed I am surely better off without her and it was an unhealthy friendship. I'm sure I can move on.

You don't have to say the exact words "I don't like you" for her to know that you don't. How can a list of her faults not come across as you not liking her? Could you listen to someone tell you that you're selfish, and list all their other gripes with you, and still think they like you?

littleredberries · 29/04/2021 15:07

I recently went through the same with my best friend suddenly coming clean about an affair she had with a married man for two years.
I ended our friendship and called out her poor behaviour. I did leave some room for mending it but, in the end, I'm probably better off without her.

FrangipaniBlue · 29/04/2021 15:25

@littleredberries

I recently went through the same with my best friend suddenly coming clean about an affair she had with a married man for two years. I ended our friendship and called out her poor behaviour. I did leave some room for mending it but, in the end, I'm probably better off without her.

I cannot ever imagine a world where I would hoik up my judgey pants and cut ties with my best friend over something that had zero impact on my life whatsoever.

I wouldn't condone it or actively get involved/enable it but I'd be there for her when (and if) things went wrong.... that's what true friends are supposed to do, be there for each other without judgment or aspersion in times of need

TableFlowerss · 29/04/2021 16:23

**I cannot ever imagine a world where I would hoik up my judgey pants and cut ties with my best friend over something that had zero impact on my life whatsoever.

I wouldn't condone it or actively get involved/enable it but I'd be there for her when (and if) things went wrong.... that's what true friends are supposed to do, be there for each other without judgment or aspersion in times of need confused**

@FrangipaniBlue

Completely agree. The only way I’d ever cut ties is if we weren’t particularly good friends. If someone can drop a ‘best friend’ like a sack of hot spuds that easily then they aren’t best friends by my definition. More like fareweather friends.

Mittens030869 · 29/04/2021 16:49

Also I am shocked by how many people think this woman is doing nothing wrong sleeping with a married man.... she knows he's married - that's wrong!

I agree, but it’s a very popular view on here that a single woman isn’t at all to be blamed if she has an affair with a married man. I disagree, of course she shares some of the blame, if she knowingly becomes involved with a married man. It’s a selfish thing to do, with no thought to the hurt that her actions will very likely cause. It’s particularly callous if the wife is a close friend or sister, which is often the case.

The married man is more culpable, obviously, as he’s the one breaking his marriage vows. However, IMO, it’s silly to say that the OW isn’t having an affair. An affair is by definition an illicit relationship between two people.

Rupertbeartrousers · 29/04/2021 17:01

@Mittens030869

*Also I am shocked by how many people think this woman is doing nothing wrong sleeping with a married man.... she knows he's married - that's wrong!*

I agree, but it’s a very popular view on here that a single woman isn’t at all to be blamed if she has an affair with a married man. I disagree, of course she shares some of the blame, if she knowingly becomes involved with a married man. It’s a selfish thing to do, with no thought to the hurt that her actions will very likely cause. It’s particularly callous if the wife is a close friend or sister, which is often the case.

The married man is more culpable, obviously, as he’s the one breaking his marriage vows. However, IMO, it’s silly to say that the OW isn’t having an affair. An affair is by definition an illicit relationship between two people.

Great post. I always wonder with these posters who feel it’s ok... how would they feel if the boot was on the other foot, it was their husband, their best friend’s husband or dad for example. Would they completely absolve the other woman of any wrong doing them?

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 17:05

Great post. I always wonder with these posters who feel it’s ok... how would they feel if the boot was on the other foot, it was their husband, their best friend’s husband or dad for example. Would they completely absolve the other woman of any wrong doing them?

I already answered this upthread. I think I would, or I hope I would - my ‘contract’ (if you like) is with the person I married. I don’t see why the person they cheat with owes me anything.

GappyValley · 29/04/2021 17:12

I cannot ever imagine a world where I would hoik up my judgey pants and cut ties with my best friend over something that had zero impact on my life whatsoever.

So you would maintain a friendship with someone who had downloaded images of child sex abuse, or killed someone drink driving or defrauded old ladies out of savings?

Because none of those would impact on my life, other than making my skin crawl
As would knowing someone was chasing a married man

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 17:15

@GappyValley

I cannot ever imagine a world where I would hoik up my judgey pants and cut ties with my best friend over something that had zero impact on my life whatsoever.

So you would maintain a friendship with someone who had downloaded images of child sex abuse, or killed someone drink driving or defrauded old ladies out of savings?

Because none of those would impact on my life, other than making my skin crawl
As would knowing someone was chasing a married man

Those are all examples of direct impact though. Killing someone drink driving, for example - in that scenario the OP’s friend wouldn’t be the driver, she’d be the passenger.

Mittens030869 · 29/04/2021 17:18

I understand the argument that the OW doesn’t personally owe you anything. But it’s still very selfish, when she knows that her actions are likely to cause a lot of hurt to other people, in many cases including young children.

And do you see it differently where the OW is a close friend or sister of her AP’s wife?