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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend erased all traces of me

343 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:32

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

OP posts:
JeanClaudeVanDammit · 29/04/2021 13:18

I think the crux of it is that the OP felt like she was quite restrained and didn’t say half the things that she could have said in the hope that they could try and sort things out and still be friends. I think it has shocked her that her friend doesn’t even want to try and has just cut her off.

She might think she was restrained, her friend might think she’s character assassinated her to her face. Who would want to stay in a friendship with someone after that? The OP didn’t want to try to get past her problems with this friend, the friend didn’t want to try to get past having her behaviour and character slagged off. Seems fair enough on both sides, the bit that’s unreasonable is the “woe is me” post here.

DrSbaitso · 29/04/2021 13:21

You clearly don't like each other very much. Why are you pouring so much into it?

Phoenix121 · 29/04/2021 13:22

Pumper.
You've persuaded me that sleeping with a married person is completely acceptable. Do you have a spouse, Pumper ... ?

TableFlowerss · 29/04/2021 13:25

people do silly things sometimes and actively seeking out a married man is one of those things, however, I would never in a million years fall out with a best friend because she was having an affair.

You’re judging her actions and have told her. She’s judging your loyalty and made her choice.

True friends are there through the good times, hard times, bad times as well as good times and fair weather judgemental friends aren’t true friends.

Do you realise how many people have affairs? Millions upon millions so whilst it’s not a great thing to do, neither is it the crime of the century.

Sounds like you’re both better off with no contact.

CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 13:26

I don’t know if it’s fair or not but I think that because she was restrained that’s why the OP is posting ‘woe is me’ on here. Also if it’s a long standing friendship I would expect my friend to have a comeback, I would find the apathetic blocking on everything really irritating. Come and have a good argument! I think she thought that the friendship was worth more fighting for or fighting over than her ex friend apparently did. That can still hurt even if you secretly suspected it.

saraclara · 29/04/2021 13:26

the bit that’s unreasonable is the “woe is me” post here.

Yep. It's a risk you take if you decide to tell someone exactly what you think of them. It's odd to think that this woman should continue to want to be friends with the OP after being told how much she dislikes her.

An0n0n0n · 29/04/2021 13:28

You arent her mum, its not your job to tell her how to behave. Either accept and support her or don't. You could have spaced those cinversations out. Did you really expect her to do a 180 and realise the error of her ways and become a better person?

saraclara · 29/04/2021 13:29

@CaraherEIL

I don’t know if it’s fair or not but I think that because she was restrained that’s why the OP is posting ‘woe is me’ on here. Also if it’s a long standing friendship I would expect my friend to have a comeback, I would find the apathetic blocking on everything really irritating. Come and have a good argument! I think she thought that the friendship was worth more fighting for or fighting over than her ex friend apparently did. That can still hurt even if you secretly suspected it.
Restrained? Read the OP and the early follow up posts again. OP bright up loads of different failings and issues. If that was restrained, and there was even more that she could have said, then one has to question why OP wants this person for a friend.
thatsgotit · 29/04/2021 13:30

@saraclara

the bit that’s unreasonable is the “woe is me” post here.

Yep. It's a risk you take if you decide to tell someone exactly what you think of them. It's odd to think that this woman should continue to want to be friends with the OP after being told how much she dislikes her.

If there had been a strong enough friendship there before it happened, though, the friend would at least have had the guts to discuss it/express their anger, hurt or whatever and try to move past it, instead of just ghosting. IMO anyway, though I suspect many will disagree. I just abhor ghosting and find it the last word in immaturity.
Alondra · 29/04/2021 13:33

Affairs have been happening since human beings formed some kind of society which is roughly almost 3000 years ago. To expect that they are going to go away is beyond naive, it's ridiculous. It goes against the grain of human beings - the most populous species of primates in this world and animal as its basic biology.

Victorian society norms are very recent. Until then it was very normal to have kids with different women and leave them all to fend for themselves.

Please, can we refrain to talk about women behaviour and address the OP post?

She kept criticing her friends choices, and her friend has deleted her from her live. Again, move on. No need for drama.

CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 13:33

I have read all the posts OP clearly thinks she was quite restrained as she thought everyone criticising her were trolls.
I think in her perception and knowledge of her friend she didn’t think it was friendship ending stuff, the fact that it has become that has shocked her.

CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 13:38

Alondra you are mixing up sex and the institution of marriage. One doesn’t preclude the other but if you choose you buy into the institution of marriage and make vows of fidelity then it is a question of integrity not biology.
You keep saying no drama but for the OP clearly it is drama which is why she is posting here.

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 13:39

All i will say is that there have been quite a few things over the few last years. And I really don't believe that posters on here would happily talk about someone chasing a married man pretty much every day and answer constant questions such as "he sent me this text, what does it mean?" Every day. Never being asked how you are or the person not even knowing where you live or work because all that matters is their situation.
I wouldn't have said anything lightly, I tried gently over the years to talk to her about things and in the end it was too much.
Those of you saying i was 'attacking and criticising constantly' that is really untrue.

I criticized her behaviour towards me and her negative reaction to any positive news I had whilst constantly rushing to tell me if anyone had complimented her and so on.

Confronting someone about this is reasonable, it's not "going for them" .

You've made it sound like I've just decided for no reason whatsoever I don't like her and just felt like 'attacking' her. It couldn't be further from the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 13:41

I was naïve to think we could sort it out and there is no going back. I just felt in the end that I was one of many people she uses to discuss this situation. It had become obsessive and unhealthy and as I said she had 'banned' me from speaking about my ex the day after he left me, so why should I be expected to provide endless streams of support?

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 29/04/2021 13:43

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend, tbh, I think you’re better off without her, OP.
I’d just let it go and spend time with people who are more interesting and nicer than her!

DrSbaitso · 29/04/2021 13:45

@Bluevioletindigo

All i will say is that there have been quite a few things over the few last years. And I really don't believe that posters on here would happily talk about someone chasing a married man pretty much every day and answer constant questions such as "he sent me this text, what does it mean?" Every day. Never being asked how you are or the person not even knowing where you live or work because all that matters is their situation. I wouldn't have said anything lightly, I tried gently over the years to talk to her about things and in the end it was too much. Those of you saying i was 'attacking and criticising constantly' that is really untrue.

I criticized her behaviour towards me and her negative reaction to any positive news I had whilst constantly rushing to tell me if anyone had complimented her and so on.

Confronting someone about this is reasonable, it's not "going for them" .

You've made it sound like I've just decided for no reason whatsoever I don't like her and just felt like 'attacking' her. It couldn't be further from the truth.

No, I think it's clear from your numerous posts that you dislike each other and it's been a long time in the making. What I don't understand is why you've both kept up the farce for so long.

We do seem to get a lot of threads on here by women about "friends" that they obviously don't like and who don't like them back.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 13:49

@Phoenix121

Pumper. You've persuaded me that sleeping with a married person is completely acceptable. Do you have a spouse, Pumper ... ?
I do, yes. If my spouse cheated on me, I’d be absolutely furious with them for not upholding our wedding vows. If they passed an STD to me I’d be apoplectic with them.
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 13:49

Ok. I don't dislike people for no apparent reason, like I said in my post there have been very good reasons over the years and I had just had enough. But say whatever you like.

OP posts:
Alondra · 29/04/2021 13:51

you are mixing up sex and the institution of marriage. One doesn’t preclude the other but if you choose you buy into the institution of marriage and make vows of fidelity then it is a question of integrity not biology.

Both are interlocked since we are biological and socially limited animals. You are agreeing though, that the vows of fidelity are made by those who enter a marriage, not by a single person outside that marriage.

chocorabbit · 29/04/2021 13:54

@Alondra

That doesn’t mean the OP’s ex-friend isn’t ALSO a horrible person for engaging in behaviour that she KNOWS will deeply hurt another party. She knows that and yet carries on. Nothing to do with protecting the sanctity of marriage, everything to do with being a decent human being who doesn’t know kingly hurt others

Bullshit. Next time you buy coffee think about how horrible you are for engaging in behavior that keeps Latin American and African growers in near starvation thanks to multinationals.

We all engage in behaviours that damage innocent people, we do it in our daily lives. The fact we don't think about it doesn't affect how we deal with our friendships, the people we close to us who we consider friends.

Her friend has put an end to the friendship. No drama.

I am adding to this, are you meant to put up with a shitty "friend" who only uses you to talk about her relationship and completely ignores anything about your life because the friend will get hurt? Life is too short to exclusively cater to other people's needs. We are not teenagers giving in to peer pressure. When I was at nursery I would let all the other girls drink my water because I didn't want to hurt them. I believe that since then I have grown up.

OP, you are better off without her Smile

grapewine · 29/04/2021 13:57

@Bluevioletindigo

Ok. I don't dislike people for no apparent reason, like I said in my post there have been very good reasons over the years and I had just had enough. But say whatever you like.
But then why are you upset that she's out of your life? It doesn't make sense. Should she have been all apologetic and then you could have felt better than her?
chocorabbit · 29/04/2021 13:57

*No, I think it's clear from your numerous posts that you dislike each other and it's been a long time in the making. What I don't understand is why you've both kept up the farce for so long.

We do seem to get a lot of threads on here by women about "friends" that they obviously don't like and who don't like them back.*

Of course she doesn't like her. Her behaviour was appaling. What is there to like. Your posts reads as if her friend was absolutely caring and brilliant and the OP disliked her for her own reasons, was jealous of her etc.

lazylinguist · 29/04/2021 13:57

In your position OP, I'd have just let the friendship slide. Tbh I can't imagine ever taking another adult to task about their behaviour in the way you did to your friend. However right you may be about her behaviour and attitude, you can't change people, and I'm not at all surprised she responded the way she did! Essentially, if you find her negative, self-centred and morally awful (re: the affair) then why on earth would you want to be friends with her anyway?!

DeclineandFall · 29/04/2021 13:57

This is what narcissistic and self absorbed people do. If you disagree with them, eventually confront them and call out their behaviour they can't cope and so they block you. It's classic. You've caused narcissistic injury so they punish you by disappearing.
She might eventually come back but you don't want that so don't be tempted to allow her to open up the dialogue again.

DrSbaitso · 29/04/2021 13:58

@Bluevioletindigo

Ok. I don't dislike people for no apparent reason, like I said in my post there have been very good reasons over the years and I had just had enough. But say whatever you like.
That is what I'm saying. Exactly that. You clearly have many reasons for not liking her, and her you. So why this non-friendship ran as long as it did in the first place is a mystery to me. But it seems to happen a lot.

Do some women think they're nice people for doing this? You're a much nicer person by keeping your friendships true, a much more sincere and genuine one and you'll treat the people you call friends as if they really are.

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