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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend erased all traces of me

343 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:32

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

OP posts:

saraclara · 29/04/2021 12:07

@LeilaLiesLow

Mumsnet is a weird place at times.

Over the years, this issue has come up a lot often on the Relationship board.

Where a friend disapproves of her friend's affair, but still wants to maintain the friendship (but compartmentalising the affair chats.)

'Advice' from MN is to continue the friendship but refuse to be drawn into conversations about the affair.

Usually everyone agrees this is the Right Behaviour. Not to give a listening ear.

Now, when the OP has done this, most posters here are saying she was in the wrong.

Surely it's ok to tell a friend you want to remain friends, but you don't want to be told about her affair behaviour?

That's not all she did though, is it? Apart from the conversation about the affair, she listed all her friend's (apparently many) faults, which had nothing to do with the affair.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 29/04/2021 12:08

Oh, I don't think they had nothing to do with the affair . . . 🙄

BertramLacey · 29/04/2021 12:10

Pumper, when two people act together, without coercion, they are both responsible for their actions. Thus a married man is responsible for having an affair if he has sex with a woman who isn't his wife. The woman, whether she is married or not, is responsible for her actions. She goes into it knowing someone will be hurt by what she does. IMO he is worse in what he does, but they are still both wrong.

By your 'logic', two people could rob a bank together and one could get off any charges on the grounds that 'well if I hadn't done it, someone else would have done'. Both people have acted, both have done something wrong.

Moondust001 · 29/04/2021 12:14

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.

I think you need a new definition of "friend". You claim to like her, but you very clearly don't. It really doesn't matter what we or you think of her morals or character. You told her that you dislike the person she is, but expected her to be still friends with you on your terms. That was ridiculously unreasonable.

On an entirely separate issue, it is pretty difficult to chase a married person, male or female, if they are clear that there is no chasing to be had. It takes two to tango.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 29/04/2021 12:16

'She’s stupid to believe he’ll leave his wife or whatever, but she’s not actually doing anything wrong. If she refused to see him, would that be the end of it? Or would he just find someone else?'

Well, that's very often the vanity of mistresses, isn't it? They absolutely don't think he'll find anyone else. They think they're the only one bewitching enough to turn his head.

Gingerwhinger1 · 29/04/2021 12:17

@Pumperthepumper
Being complicit in anything that is causing, or will cause someone pain is scummy behaviour from either sex. No one is saying that a married individual is not responsible for their behaviour, but knowingly involving yourself with a married person is hardly covering yourself in glory either. HTH

Alondra · 29/04/2021 12:19

@oakleaffy

Women who date married men are beyond the pale IMO. No loss, move on!

Beg your pardon?

Women get into relationships with single men, married men, widowed men....we start relationships because we fall in love, it's convenient, want something more....

A single woman in a relationship is NOT her responsibility, she did not make vows of fidelity. The married man did. Unless you want to blame half the single female population of this world, which goes into billions, the responsibility of the affair goes to the man in this instance.

Again, if the OP wants to bring her morals into the friendship, there is no friendship anymore.

McLarenette · 29/04/2021 12:19

@Holly60

Unfortunately you both have different ideas of what a friend is. You felt that it was important to let her know how you felt about her choices, she felt that friends just support each other regardless. These two things are not compatible. To be honest if you feel unable to support her regardless of her choices then you probably can’t be friends really.

Yes, this is how I see it too, beautifully summarised.

Is the most important facet of being a friend calling you on your crap even when it’s something very uncomfortable to say and hear OR is it the most important thing that your friend has your back, no matter what?

Sounds like your friend thinks it’s the second thing but you think it’s the first.

YouJustFoldItIn · 29/04/2021 12:19

'She’s stupid to believe he’ll leave his wife'

Men leave their wives for other women (and women leave their husbands for other men) ALL THE TIME.

Just because it often doesn't happen doesn't mean it never happens.

drpet49 · 29/04/2021 12:21

* She didn't like you telling the truth about her behaviour. She only wants friends who keep their mouth shut and keep their opinions and morals to themselves. You're better off without a friend like that.*

^This. She sounds a crap friend with very loose morals. You are better off without her and her drama in your life OP.

NotTerfNorCis · 29/04/2021 12:24

She sounds awful, OP, and you're better off without her. Someone that self-centered would probably have harmed you in some way, eventually.

JemimaJoy · 29/04/2021 12:24

If you literally just calmly said "I don't want to discuss the affair as it makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable" maybe she'd not have reacted like that, but from your OP, it does sound like you had a bit of a list of other criticisms as well?

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 29/04/2021 12:25

'Women get into relationships with single men, married men, widowed men....we start relationships because we fall in love, it's convenient, want something more....

A single woman in a relationship is NOT her responsibility, she did not make vows of fidelity. The married man did.'

And such women will doubtless feel as philosophical towards any woman doing the same to them down the line, if they marry the philanderer . . .

SuperSange · 29/04/2021 12:25

@ginoclocksomewhere

I think the OP was poorly worded and made it sound like you'd gone to town in her entire personality, rather than her situation with a married man, the responses since don't imply that at all.

Honestly, why are you upset? The woman clearly IS selfish if she A: willingly involves herself with a married man and B: won't have a conversation about your partner but chats incessantly about hers.

Sounds like a good escape to me! Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and find a friend who appreciates you and your honesty.

This totally. You've done nothing wrong. Forget her and move on.

loveheartss · 29/04/2021 12:26

Some of the responses on here are crazy.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong in saying to your friend you didn't want to be drawn into discussion about her affair. Her blocking you suggests she knows you are right and is embarrassed that you dared confront her.

I had a friend like this, we went on holiday and she cheated on her boyfriend 3 times. Whatever, do what you want, she knew I thought it was vile. However, what I did call her out on was her behaviour afterwards. She had unprotected sex with her boyfriend as soon as we got back and had not got herself checked out or anything to make sure she wasn't passing anything onto him.

Well at that point, she decided I wasn't a real friend to her when I pointed out her behaviour was not only gross but actually potentially seriously dangerous to her partners health. She didn't like it and stopped talking to me.

No loss OP - who needs friends with morals like that and who only want yes men in their lives.

Alondra · 29/04/2021 12:28

*Men leave their wives for other women (and women leave their husbands for other men) ALL THE TIME.

Just because it often doesn't happen doesn't mean it never happens.*

It happens and very often, and not just men leaving women but women leaving husbands for affair partners.

No one wants to talk about it but it does happen a lot in real life. Two of my friends in Australia (females) left for affair partners and are very happy. Funny how nobody ask them for statistics.

Imreaaaaady · 29/04/2021 12:28

People aren't trolls just for saying what you don't want to hear.

Alondra · 29/04/2021 12:32

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

'Women get into relationships with single men, married men, widowed men....we start relationships because we fall in love, it's convenient, want something more....

A single woman in a relationship is NOT her responsibility, she did not make vows of fidelity. The married man did.'

And such women will doubtless feel as philosophical towards any woman doing the same to them down the line, if they marry the philanderer . . .

And such women will doubtless feel as philosophical towards any woman doing the same to them down the line, if they marry the philanderer . .

Why will the blame a woman for their husband's behaviour? what an idiot post.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 12:33

@Phoenix121

Not sure where you're getting this idea from, pumper, that every woman on the planet must take responsibility for his marriage, or for his behaviour, or for his wife.

BTW, to answer your question about what happens when a woman accepts a married man's offer to have sex, well, what happens is - they have sex!

So is it now that woman’s responsibility to uphold the sanctity of his marriage?

HarebrightCedarmoon · 29/04/2021 12:34

Fair play to you for telling her straight. Sounds like you are better off without her.

Phoenix121 · 29/04/2021 12:35

Pumper, it is each person's responsibility to respect societally agreed moral norms.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 12:36

@MmeLaraque

Having read this one whilst drinking my coffee, I'm wondering whether Pumper is one of those carrying on with someone else's partner.

OP, what you did was perfectly reasonable. There are far too many people who refuse to challenge a friend's behaviour, no matter how appalling that behaviour is/becomes.

Seeing/shagging a married/coupled-up person is not morally acceptable. Those insisting it's the cheater's problem, not the person they're cheating with are displaying their own lack of moral compass just as clearly as the cheaters.

Well, wonder no more - I’m not. There’s a difference between not agreeing that all women are responsible for all men’s marriages, and being stupid enough to believe a married man.

Why is it not morally acceptable? He’s decided fidelity isn’t important, why does that make the OP’s friend immoral?

Phoenix121 · 29/04/2021 12:36

Plus, it's skanky to sleep around.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 12:37

@Phoenix121

Pumper, it is each person's responsibility to respect societally agreed moral norms.

Phoenix, I’m finding this quite frustrating because you won’t answer the questions I ask you, and instead drop these statements with no further information.

Why is it her responsibility to respect his morality?

stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 12:40

OP, she sounds like a shitty friend and you should be glad you're rid.

There doesn't seem to be any redeeming features in her.

she's seeing a married man
she wants you to help her in lies this man can tell his wife
she has banned you from talking about your own boyfriend but wants to talk about this man constantly
she is negative about you
she is selfish

All you can say in her defence is that there have been some 'good times'.

I think the question here is why you still want to be friends with her.

Why is your self-esteem so low that you would want to sustain this toxic friendship?

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