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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Wedding day drama

306 replies

Nellybellyfrillytilly · 29/04/2021 07:54

Looking for a bit of perspective and advice if possible.

My sister is getting married this year and I was asked to be made of honour (prior to becoming pregnant), since she found out I was pregnant she was angry that her wedding would not be the same as mine because I wouldn’t be able to drink/would have a child to look after (she does not have and does not want children). This caused a lot of tension between us.

Because of covid the original wedding date was moved, I since had our baby but my sister has rarely been present in their life - I’ve blamed covid for a lot of it as everyone is in a similar situation, but she rarely asks about my child over the phone or text.

The conversation came up that my sister would like all the bridal party to stay over at the venue the night before and night of the wedding (it’s tents and camping for everyone other than the bride and groom), at which point I spoke privately to my sister and let her know that I breastfeed my child at night, we are nursing to sleep and often have a wake up in the middle of the night, so I may not be able to stay over - she doesn’t want our baby there with me and I’m not sure camping would be practical - she is not happy, called me selfish and I should be dedicating myself to her for those few days and my husband can look after our child.

We have now not spoken for nearly a month because of this.

Am I being unreasonable, I am sticking to my guns that my child needs me and other ladies in the bridal party have older children or do not breastfeed their children so have that flexibility. I also need to add we have tried many times to introduce a bottle and rocking our child to sleep to give our household some more flexibility and it’s not been a pleasant experience, I would much rather continue breastfeeding.

Thank you for your help ☺️

OP posts:
Kiki275 · 30/04/2021 10:26

My DN2 was due around my wedding day. My SIL was originally a bridesmaid, my DB giving me away and DN1 was my flower girl.
My biggest fear was that they wouldn't make it, not that a baby would upstage me, ruin the ceremony or SIL wouldn't be on hand to wait on me. I just wanted them to be there.
SIL stepped down as bridesmaid as she didn't want to feel any pressure to look good or be any particular place at a particular time. She was still a much loved guest, just without the stresses.
Your sister sounds like a nightmare. I wanted everyone to have a good time at my wedding, not just me. I can't understand how brides can enjoy their day knowing the guests/bridal party are stressed/bored/faking enjoyment x

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2021 11:16

@Nellybellyfrillytilly

Oh and apparently the groom is on the brides side, neither are very happy with me Confused

Thank you so much to everyone for posting and helping so far - sometimes you get so far in your own head with a problem you can’t see the wood from the trees Smile

As you sadly no longer have your parents, you can't upset them.

Tell her to Do One

RandomMess · 30/04/2021 11:34

I would just stand down from the role tbh.

Thanks
Coldilox · 30/04/2021 11:38

Regardless of baby/breastfeeding etc, I hate camping and wouldn’t do it for anybody’s wedding.

iklboo · 30/04/2021 11:41

Is she like this?

AIBU Wedding day drama
Zucker · 30/04/2021 11:53

What are all of the campers supposed to do when your sister takes herself off to the hotel for the night? Is she going to set up a webcam to ensure that you're all there for her?

You are completely in the right on this OP.

lb66 · 30/04/2021 12:25

What is it about weddings and these self entitled bridezillas who expect everything and everyone to revolve around them? No one, not even my only sister, is, or will ever be, more important to me than my own chidren. If she can't deal with that then either postpone the wedding until I can give her a bit more attention or accept the fact that I can't go. I'm sorry you're going through this with her but your baby come first. And as for camping, that would be a hard no from me... Best of luck and congratulations on your newborn, there's no greater love than motherhood.

Newkitchen123 · 30/04/2021 12:34

@Cathie102

I think we're all missing things here. Its a venue with camping - is it a tent in a field with no electricity or is it a nice set up? Also - she doesn't want ALL her guests to stay over the night before - she wants the bridal party. The morning of the wedding I would assume that they will all get ready together in the bridal suite. We're also only seeing the OPs point of view. Sometimes in families the person who does things first gets loads of attention and the rest dont. OP could have had a massive wedding day with the whole family dancing attention on her and now is saying - even though its months away - I can't possibly do this for you. I think a good compromise is if you get your husband to stay close by with the baby and you nip back there. So you can be there for dinner or whatever the night before and then back early the next morning. When you think about it it really is only one 36 hours period.
If it's not got a proper bed, a private bathroom and electricity it wouldn't make any difference to me. I don't do shared bathrooms, camp beds and certainly not no electricity
Glitterandmud · 30/04/2021 12:50

Yanbu and the temptation to tell her where to go must be strong, but probably not the best for ongoing sisterly relations. I would just say that you don't feel you can give her the support she needs on her wedding day, you love her and can't wait to celebrate with her etc but would like to stand down from the wedding party and attend as a guest.

billybagpuss · 30/04/2021 13:58

@Cathie102

I think we're all missing things here. Its a venue with camping - is it a tent in a field with no electricity or is it a nice set up? Also - she doesn't want ALL her guests to stay over the night before - she wants the bridal party. The morning of the wedding I would assume that they will all get ready together in the bridal suite. We're also only seeing the OPs point of view. Sometimes in families the person who does things first gets loads of attention and the rest dont. OP could have had a massive wedding day with the whole family dancing attention on her and now is saying - even though its months away - I can't possibly do this for you. I think a good compromise is if you get your husband to stay close by with the baby and you nip back there. So you can be there for dinner or whatever the night before and then back early the next morning. When you think about it it really is only one 36 hours period.
That’s exactly the compromise op suggested, but bridezilla wasn’t having it.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/04/2021 14:18

Well it's to be expected that the groom will say he's on his bride's side - sounds like she'd give him hell if he sided with anyone else other than her!
Doesn't mean he actually agrees with her, he might just be too spineless to stand up to her and tell her to wind her neck in.

Either way, you've offered a compromise, they're/she's not happy with it, so pull out of the bridal party entirely. Hopefully she'll still want you at the wedding itself, but without the pressure.

I'd also hope that she'll look back at this one day and realise what an utter twat she's being but I somehow doubt it.

Cathie102 · 30/04/2021 14:26

Sorry, didn't see the compromise you had offered or your further update.

The ball is in her court now, if she falls out with you over this then you have been reasonable and can have no regrets!

Bertiebiscuit · 30/04/2021 17:29

Your sister is a psycho - just say no

tommyhoundmum · 30/04/2021 17:32

YANBU

Scotland32 · 30/04/2021 17:35

I think it kinda depends on when exactly the wedding is and how old your baby will be at the time. If teeny tiny, YANBU, if almost a year old (for example) then it’s definitely doable to be able to get him/her to take a bottle or cup and stay with dad for a night.

Localocal · 30/04/2021 17:43

Your sister is being awful. I don't know when weddings became a person's one opportunity to be unbearably selfish and demanding towards other people. It's like someone said all women get one get--out-of-jail free card for any obnoxious behaviour they can think of.

Offer to pay for a room for you and your DP and baby for both nights so you can participate as much as possible without, uh, starving your child. DP and baby can chill on their own when you are on maid of honour duty.

It sounds like you live close enough that you don't really need to stay over, but I would do it anyway, if DP and baby could be there too, just to keep the peace.

Camping with the baby is right out, though.

dementor72 · 30/04/2021 17:48

It’s her day , so she can do as she likes but no way would I become a slave to her ridiculous requirements . Camping for a wedding FFS does she want her guests to look like tramps ???
She’s nuts
Do what you need to do , I wouldn’t go .

Zoejj77 · 30/04/2021 17:54

What’s sad is it’s her own niece she’s referring to. She being very unreasonable and unfair to you

user57754 · 30/04/2021 18:28

Absolutely YANBU she sounds very entitled. I disagree with posters saying it depends on the babies age. I have bf two babies. At a similar age to OPs DC I tried to night wean one of them by getting my DH to go in instead of me. They were hysterical. It didn't last long and I certainly would not put my baby through that for anyone.

Alis25 · 30/04/2021 18:33

YANBU She sounds controlling, selfish, immature and seriously unreasonable. Tell her you’re not being her bridesmaid - it’s way too stressful - and stop worrying about living up to her ridiculous expectations.

babyb1985 · 30/04/2021 18:35

Fuck that! She probably wants people to camp when she is in a hotel so no one upstages her and looks more beautiful??

I have a baby and I’m not sure if this is your first or not, but having one can be bloody hard sometimes especially when it doesn’t look like the TV ads or Instagram and everyone in your baby social group is having a whale of a time feeding and sleeping 12 hours at night.

My advice...do what you need to do for your baby. No one else but your baby matters in the world right now and if it’s too hard for you and not good for your baby then don’t do it. Your sister will come round in time and if she doesn’t then fuck her, her loss.

Sorry for the language, I can’t swear at home anymore so need to let it out somewhere! Lol

SmallPrawnEnergy · 30/04/2021 18:42

I think a good compromise is if you get your husband to stay close by with the baby and you nip back there. So you can be there for dinner or whatever the night before and then back early the next morning

OP literally said this....For anyone that thinks I’m being difficult, I told my sister I would stay up until everyone went to bed the night before and then go home to sleep, wake up to sort the baby and be back with the bridal party by the time they wake up - this is apparently not ok with the bride.

See all is a useful function, use it.

caspersmagicaljourney · 30/04/2021 18:46

I would be inclined to give this a rain check. YANBU

Nohomemadecandles · 30/04/2021 18:56

It's not you that needs perspective! Weddings turn people into self centred obsessives sometimes.

Flowers
Lovely13 · 30/04/2021 18:56

Sister sounds like a crazy, bonkers character. Maybe good fun to hang out with, but one to swerve when she’s bridezilla. Prioritise your baby, resign as a bridesmaid. Turn up to ceremony, toast the couple, and then run. Defo no tents involved.

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