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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU Wedding day drama

306 replies

Nellybellyfrillytilly · 29/04/2021 07:54

Looking for a bit of perspective and advice if possible.

My sister is getting married this year and I was asked to be made of honour (prior to becoming pregnant), since she found out I was pregnant she was angry that her wedding would not be the same as mine because I wouldn’t be able to drink/would have a child to look after (she does not have and does not want children). This caused a lot of tension between us.

Because of covid the original wedding date was moved, I since had our baby but my sister has rarely been present in their life - I’ve blamed covid for a lot of it as everyone is in a similar situation, but she rarely asks about my child over the phone or text.

The conversation came up that my sister would like all the bridal party to stay over at the venue the night before and night of the wedding (it’s tents and camping for everyone other than the bride and groom), at which point I spoke privately to my sister and let her know that I breastfeed my child at night, we are nursing to sleep and often have a wake up in the middle of the night, so I may not be able to stay over - she doesn’t want our baby there with me and I’m not sure camping would be practical - she is not happy, called me selfish and I should be dedicating myself to her for those few days and my husband can look after our child.

We have now not spoken for nearly a month because of this.

Am I being unreasonable, I am sticking to my guns that my child needs me and other ladies in the bridal party have older children or do not breastfeed their children so have that flexibility. I also need to add we have tried many times to introduce a bottle and rocking our child to sleep to give our household some more flexibility and it’s not been a pleasant experience, I would much rather continue breastfeeding.

Thank you for your help ☺️

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 29/04/2021 13:40

But tbf the tent alone would have me running baby or.

worriedatthemoment · 29/04/2021 13:40

No baby

Ellpellwood · 29/04/2021 13:41

OP has said in her 1st post the baby is not allowed to camp with her. So I assume DH isn't either.

I got married at 24 and our bridal party were all single/engaged with no kids. If I were to get married now at 36 I'd have totally different plans as they all have caring responsibilities meaning they can't just up and travel 100 miles for several days like they did. You sister needs to accept that a 5am arrival on the day works best for you as a compromise.

Graphista · 29/04/2021 13:42

Note; bride isn’t staying in a tent, just her minions. Dedicate yourself? she sounds a right arse.

This!

I have both been an avid camper and worked in the wedding industry

She is being totally and utterly ridiculous and completely selfish. I'd also bet good money you aren't the only one not fancying staying in a sodding tent either!

Appalling bad manners and lack of consideration for GUESTS.

Having been an objective observer of weddings I can pretty much guarantee once the drink is flowing someone will tell her what a dick she's been.

This nonsense of week long expensive stage and hens, plus another stag/hen at home, plus long weekend away for the actual wedding (which is actually only a few hours even if a long Catholic mass is involved!) is getting waaaay out of hand.

Especially at the moment as people are in financial straits due to covid. She needs to grow the fuck up and stop thinking the world revolves around her

The attitude she has towards anyone not drinking for whatever reason stinks too! It's highly likely a number of guests won't be drinking for any number of reasons especially if as I suspect the venue is arse end of nowhere!

Is it a plot so all the guests look shit and the B&G look fabulous?

That thought crossed my mind too

So why are so many brides so high maintenance these days?

Social media crap! It's the Instagram nonsense which makes brides who would have merely been "tricky" in the past now a total nightmare! I left the industry just as this was all starting and it was already clear a certain type of bride (and Some grooms) were going to have their selfish and narcissistic tendencies made even worse by this influence. My former colleagues and other friends who work in the industry or affiliated businesses (I have 3 friends who are professional cake makers, plus a few hotel industry, DJ's etc) have confirmed this is the case.

I don’t think she is ready to married. She doesn’t have emotional maturity to understand that commitment. If she cannot comprehend how a breastfed baby needs their mother. Marriage is hard graft and based on compromise and communication. I’d not bother tying yourself in knots trying to attend as I doubt it will last.

Also true I'm afraid - what's the groom like?

and I said I will stay over at my mums house the night before, if anyone wants to come we can set up more beds etc

Totally different scenario, you didn't demand, you provided comfortable accommodation and she had no baby.

I had similar before my wedding simply as I was marrying far from extended family (dad and then fiancé both army), ex was also not from there, but it was a fairly central place in the Uk near a major city so was relatively easy for all our loved ones to get there from not only all over Uk but also those who were stationed overseas at this time (best man also army, barely made it in time! Hours to spare)

Result was an impromptu hen night the night before (at which I learned both grans were pregnant when they got married! Lots of revelations that night)

Ffs she compared a baby to a dog???? She's lost the plot!

but, the wedding day is about her. no it's about her marriage. If I were the groom I'd be seriously considering calling the whole thing off!

This trend for "performance weddings" is ridiculous. Fine that the couple get to have venue, food, dress how they like it. But demanding your guests effectively take part in some cosplay you have in your head is just inconsiderate

Totally agree it's way out of hand!

Could you go over with DH and baby and stay in the house? the overnight is at the wedding venue not the brides or her parents home so would likely involve significant financial outlay for the op - very much doubt the bride would stump up!

In my experience bridezillas don't come out of the wide blue yonder this is normally an extension/exaggeration of what they're normally like - something I've gleaned from overhearing their families talk about them and seeing the eye rolls etc.

billybagpuss · 29/04/2021 13:51

@BlowDryRat

I think Y might B being a bit U. If you don't like or aren't used to camping then I can see why it sounds a lot but IME babies and toddlers love camping and sleep really well as long as they're warm enough. It wouldn't be too tricky to put baby to bed with your DH in charge, then spend the evening with your sister and the other bridesmaids.
But the sis has said the baby is not welcome, she expects op to camp, alone without her breastfed child or DH who is being tasked with looking after the dc whilst the bride is warm and comfy in a hotel.
Nellybellyfrillytilly · 29/04/2021 13:55

Our parents are no longer around and our step mum is also not very well, I also don’t want to put any family members in between an argument between us.

(Trying to answer a few other questions)

I am 2 years younger than her and there has always been jealously from her side, I’ve always been the quiet one that the family sees as a bit of a push over - my sister has therefore got away with quite a lot over the years and I’ve been the emotional punchbag. Now baby is here and I’m breastfeeding, this is something I feel strongly about and just hoped I wasn’t being too unreasonable.

For anyone that thinks I’m being difficult, I told my sister I would stay up until everyone went to bed the night before and then go home to sleep, wake up to sort the baby and be back with the bridal party by the time they wake up - this is apparently not ok with the bride. I feel like I’ve tried to compromise our end, I’ve been planning 3 different hen dos for her because of one reason or another and not had a single show of gratitude or a thanks and just feel I don’t want to put my child through distress (even if it’s for one night) for someone that won’t be grateful.

OP posts:
Nellybellyfrillytilly · 29/04/2021 13:59

Oh and apparently the groom is on the brides side, neither are very happy with me Confused

Thank you so much to everyone for posting and helping so far - sometimes you get so far in your own head with a problem you can’t see the wood from the trees Smile

OP posts:
MumW · 29/04/2021 14:01

I'd be pissed off to be asked to camp, especially if the bride and groom weren't (and I love camping).

YDNBU. I'd offer to drop out of being in the bridal party. Point out that even without the baby there, you'd still not be able to drink because of breastfeeding.

SuperMonkeys · 29/04/2021 14:03

Fuck that. I wouldn't be leaving my baby to sleep in a field for a bitchy sister. 13 months is no age.

Pinkpaisley · 29/04/2021 14:10

Your sister is ridiculous. You and your child are still a unit. That unit can stretch a bit as child ages, but a whole weekend is too much.

billybagpuss · 29/04/2021 14:14

If that compromise doesn’t work for her, honestly I’d just wish her well and walk away.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 29/04/2021 14:14

I haven't RTFT but (as someone who hates camping and only does it once a year for a specific reason out of sufferance) does she realise that you can hear a gnat fart in a tent? Remind her that babies cry. The whole site will be woken up if your LO wakes up and that will make everyone at the wedding tired and grumpy (NB they will also be tired and grumpy due to the camping, but that's not the point you're trying to make at the moment... )

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 14:20

@BlowDryRat Please Read The Full Thread or at the very least the OP's posts, the sister has said the baby IS NOT ALLOWED TO CAMP. So OP would have to leave the baby elsewhere.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 14:23

@BlowDryRat And a screaming possibly teething baby in a tent with everyone else? Think it through because it sounds like a 11th circle of hell, no way would a baby who can't understand the noise or what the heck is going on would enjoy that, and I'm sure most of the guests would rather a root canal than be stuck in a tent with a screaming baby. When the child is 5 years old or more, yeah. But no one will want to spent the night in a tent enclosed with a screaming or crying baby. But it's all irrelevant as the sister said the baby is not allowed to come.

DownWhichOfLate · 29/04/2021 14:39

Also, if you did leave your baby for the night they are likely to want to catch up breastfeed / cuddle and be super clingy the next day. Which wouldn’t be that convenient!

SamanthaVimes · 29/04/2021 14:45

YANBU at all. Of course you can’t leave a bf baby that still feeds in the night. For a start even if the baby was fine you would be so uncomfortable and not everyone can pump (I literally cannot get a single drop out despite trying multiple different pumps, my boobs will only work for my baby)

If I think back to pre DD I think I wouldn’t have understood why someone couldn’t leave a baby of that age because I knew nothing about what babies are actually like (eg thought they all slept through after 6 months etc) so if I try to think as kindly as possible then maybe your sister doesn’t realise what she’s asking of you.

That being said it sounds like she’s being a dick about everything else too so I wouldn’t be bending over backwards for her.

I’d always say no to camping the night before a wedding, baby or not!

Graphista · 29/04/2021 15:01

Not a word of thanks?! Tell her to get tae fuck!!! What the hell ungrateful selfish woman!

2bazookas · 29/04/2021 15:18

she was angry that her wedding would not be the same as mine

She wants her wedding to be like yours? Why?

She is not you; your husband is not hers. Your life has changed since your wedding; so has hers.

Sunshin388 · 29/04/2021 16:09

Your sister is not just an arsehole, she's in fucking cuckooland. Kids or no kids, I wouldn't be camping for 2 days for a wedding, fuck that. I sleep where I want to sleep, I'm an adult thank you very much.

RampantIvy · 29/04/2021 16:13

It's pretty obvious from some of the replies that some posters have never breastfed a bottle refuser.

EileenGC · 29/04/2021 16:36

You sound very reasonable and willing to compromise, don’t worry. It’s your sister the one coming across as somewhat cheeky and manipulative.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 29/04/2021 16:49

Tell her to fuck off, this is not the same as you spending the night all together at your mums house, she wants you to sleep in a tent in a field while she's in a bed.

She compared your DC to her dog.

Shes expecting you to organise 3!!!!!! Hen doos.

Shows absolutely no gratitude and complains you're doing nothing for her.

Sister or no, these aren't the actions of someone I'd want in my life.

Aprilshowersandhail · 29/04/2021 16:51

Tell her given that they are both disappointed in you it's best you stay home period..
And enjoy your lovely baby.
You dsis is a twat...
Was she expecting to spend her final night single sleeping top to toe in a bed with you?

Cathie102 · 30/04/2021 10:06

I think we're all missing things here. Its a venue with camping - is it a tent in a field with no electricity or is it a nice set up? Also - she doesn't want ALL her guests to stay over the night before - she wants the bridal party. The morning of the wedding I would assume that they will all get ready together in the bridal suite.
We're also only seeing the OPs point of view. Sometimes in families the person who does things first gets loads of attention and the rest dont. OP could have had a massive wedding day with the whole family dancing attention on her and now is saying - even though its months away - I can't possibly do this for you. I think a good compromise is if you get your husband to stay close by with the baby and you nip back there. So you can be there for dinner or whatever the night before and then back early the next morning. When you think about it it really is only one 36 hours period.

SingingInTheShithouse · 30/04/2021 10:17

Yikes 😟 seriously friggin entitled

Don't waste words & worry, when 2 words will do "feck off"

I really would not worry about upsetting someone, who is so self absorbed that they they ride rough shod over everything & anybody. Don't need people like that in your life

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