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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Wedding day drama

306 replies

Nellybellyfrillytilly · 29/04/2021 07:54

Looking for a bit of perspective and advice if possible.

My sister is getting married this year and I was asked to be made of honour (prior to becoming pregnant), since she found out I was pregnant she was angry that her wedding would not be the same as mine because I wouldn’t be able to drink/would have a child to look after (she does not have and does not want children). This caused a lot of tension between us.

Because of covid the original wedding date was moved, I since had our baby but my sister has rarely been present in their life - I’ve blamed covid for a lot of it as everyone is in a similar situation, but she rarely asks about my child over the phone or text.

The conversation came up that my sister would like all the bridal party to stay over at the venue the night before and night of the wedding (it’s tents and camping for everyone other than the bride and groom), at which point I spoke privately to my sister and let her know that I breastfeed my child at night, we are nursing to sleep and often have a wake up in the middle of the night, so I may not be able to stay over - she doesn’t want our baby there with me and I’m not sure camping would be practical - she is not happy, called me selfish and I should be dedicating myself to her for those few days and my husband can look after our child.

We have now not spoken for nearly a month because of this.

Am I being unreasonable, I am sticking to my guns that my child needs me and other ladies in the bridal party have older children or do not breastfeed their children so have that flexibility. I also need to add we have tried many times to introduce a bottle and rocking our child to sleep to give our household some more flexibility and it’s not been a pleasant experience, I would much rather continue breastfeeding.

Thank you for your help ☺️

OP posts:
CrankyFrankie · 30/04/2021 21:48

Your sis is clearly being a Bridezilla but it does happen to the best of us 😆 I also think it sounds like you’re offended by (what you perceive as) her lack of interest in your child and that has maybe turned into a bit of a chip on your shoulder. I would try as much as possible to be there for her. Even if you’re feigning enthusiasm/staying down the road in a hotel/dad brings baby for you to BF periodically/whatever works, if you care about your sis you can make it work. I do remember how all-consuming first baby is, and neither of my babies would take a bottle. But you wouldn’t be the first BFing mother to make (very) short-term sacrifices for a person other than your baby. I think you and your sis will both wish you’d done things differently in time to come. I hope you can navigate this to limit any long-term damage to your relationship.

PurpleMustang · 30/04/2021 21:48

Jus no, no and NO!! And I would say no on the sole basis that she would expect a mother of a 13 month old, on the one night she has away from home, to sleep in a damn tent!! If I was staying away i would want a queen bed all to myself. Plenty here have said that she obviously does not understand the needs of a baby, you do and you need to advocate your child's needs over her petty demands (which by the sounds of it she wouldn't be grateful for as she expects it all). This is a hill to die on. She will understand one day, maybe

Newkitchen123 · 30/04/2021 22:06

@Dustinto

I think you’re both being a bit unreasonable. She’s being a bit of a bridezilla but to give another point of view - I think if she went out of her way for your wedding you should try to do the same, its a special day for her. In the kindest way OP maybe you’re being a bit pfb? I think it’s quite sad how many people have said no way to camping. I wouldn’t enjoy it but it’s only one night for someone special.
How on earth does having the bridal party in tents while you're all nice and tucked up in a hotel make a wedding day more special?
numberoneson · 30/04/2021 22:12

She's nuts.

Camping at a wedding? I wouldn't camp, full stop, even if you offered me £1k to do it.

Tell her you're sorry that due to having had the baby and breast feeding, you're very sorry but you can no longer be her maid of honour.

Also, she's angry you got pregnant because it affects her wedding? She has some sort of personality disorder!

Pinkdormobile · 30/04/2021 22:22

I wouldn't camp for a wedding and I don't even have a baby. She's being very unreasonable.

GYNisaliarWTF · 30/04/2021 22:38

Doesn’t matter really how old your baby is. Your baby could be five years old and you’d still be perfectly justified in EBF. In certain cultures that is normal.
Your child, your decision. Tell her to fuck off, imagine if someone told her she’d got to wake up hungry in the night and not be able to eat what she’s relied upon for nourishment and comfort for her entire life, I’m sure she’d be upset!

YANBU. Ps please forget your breast pads and leak on whatever god awful salmon pink dress she puts you in. Then change into jeans.

coogee · 30/04/2021 22:44

Camping at a wedding? I wouldn't camp, full stop, even if you offered me £1k to do it.

£1k for one night, I would.

In a leaky tent with no sleeping bag.

PenfoldPenny · 30/04/2021 22:48

She is being entirely unreasonable. I get why people dont want a whole hoard of kids at their wedding (actually there were lots at mine but I barely noticed them) but you are sister to the bride and your baby is a newborn - hardly likely to be much of a problem.
But no of course you cant stay in a tent.

Petlover9 · 30/04/2021 22:53

No camping anytime for me BUT before a wedding? Is she mad, how will you do your hair and make-up not to mention no bathroom. Stay home with your family and let her know why, cheeky diva

RestingPandaFace · 30/04/2021 23:05

YANBU

I love camping but not a cat in hell’s chance I’d be getting ready for a wedding in a tent.

Why does it matter to her if you camp or if baby camps with you if she isn’t going to be there anyway? It’s not even about a shared experience, she’s not going to be there!

If she is interested where anyone except the groom sleeps on her wedding night I suspect the marriage is doomed.

Purpleweeks · 30/04/2021 23:26

They lost me at camping. Why would a bride and groom think it is ok to dictate to anyone that they must camp?

Dasher789 · 30/04/2021 23:50

Not sure why she wants to camp but its her wedding so hey ho. I get that staying overnight the day before the wedding is a hassle but it seems to be the done thing now. I can understand why you don't want to but I can equally see why your sister will be hurt you are not staying. Her wedding has been especially stressful with covid which won't have helped matters.

DookaDakkaDikku · 01/05/2021 00:03

WTAF am I reading Confused I thought we'd struck rock bottom with the dogs at the wedding reception thread last night, but I was wrong.

One does not need to have had a baby to understand that a breastfeeding baby needs to stay with its mother.

What is the camping about? Is she so determined that nobody "outshine" her on "her day", that she's trying to make sure that everyone turns up in crumpled clothes etc?

HoppingPavlova · 01/05/2021 03:35

Not sure why she wants to camp but its her wedding so hey ho.

No, she doesn’t want to camp. She is in a hotel room. She wants everyone else to be there and camp, but not her.

trancepants · 01/05/2021 08:25

I left my DS overnight when he was 13 months old and breastfed at night. I wouldn't have chosen to for a social event but this was when my MIL died. My DS was absolutely fine. I however was massively, massively engorged by bedtime. I spent about an hour before I could sleep trying to let enough milk down so I could be comfortable enough to sleep. I barely slept overnight and by morning I had what felt like two hot, sore, massive Deathstars stuck to my chest and the beginnings of headcold feelings. I was so sore and sensitive I could barely move through the morning. Thankfully my parents came with DS by around lunchtime and he had a massive feed that helped massively but it still took a couple of days to lose all the engorgement and feel normal again.

I wouldn't have made it through a wedding. There wouldn't have been a hope I could have gotten up the morning after missing nighttime feedings and gotten dressed up in wedding gear and any sort of wired bra. Not related to that night, I've also had the experience of having a very severe mastitis infection that resulted in me being rushed to hospital by ambulance and kept in for several days on IV antibiotics. Regardless of the distress to the child, it can actually be physically extremely painful and even sometimes dangerous for a breastfeeding mother to not be able to feed her baby when she normally would.

And lastly. Outside of even having milk engorged breasts. A lot of people on mumsnet have mentioned on threads about camping that they end up uncomfortably constipated when camping. I know I tend to. Engorged and constipated would be the worst way to attend a wedding ever.

Dee1975 · 01/05/2021 09:01

You are not being unreasonable. Your babies needs come first actually. Not your adult sister. She is being incredibly selfish. Have you any family members who could ‘have a word with her’ and make her see how selfish she is being?

csigeek · 01/05/2021 09:08

I know it’s her wedding and you can be a certain amount of selfish when it comes to that but she is being an unreasonable bitch.
You don’t need that sort of toxicity in your life, sister or not.

On another note, if you’re still looking to introduce a bottle for your own reasons, I can recommend the minbie. We struggled for months to get my boy to take a bottle and tried 9 different types of bottle, Minbie was the only one that he took to. Flowers

smellysmoke · 01/05/2021 09:20

omg your sister is being ridiculous and incredibly selfish at the same time. Priority her is your lovely baby and their needs, the wedding and the sister come after that.

ClarkeGriffin · 01/05/2021 09:20

She wants people to camp the night before her wedding. Ew. Where are they all going to shower?

She wants to be a pampered princess while all her subjects, I mean 'guests', sleep on the dirt. Guess she wants to be sure she's the only one who looks nice. Boy she must be ugly if she needs to go that far.

Just don't go op. The marriage is unlikely to last long anyway, why bother?

Pottedpalm · 01/05/2021 09:22

@ClarkeGriffin

She wants people to camp the night before her wedding. Ew. Where are they all going to shower?

She wants to be a pampered princess while all her subjects, I mean 'guests', sleep on the dirt. Guess she wants to be sure she's the only one who looks nice. Boy she must be ugly if she needs to go that far.

Just don't go op. The marriage is unlikely to last long anyway, why bother?

What a very nasty post!
Canvasphoto · 01/05/2021 09:23

Is the plan to make everyone camp the night before so the groom and bride look better than all the guests?

I’m all for camping but I never feel truly clean or anywhere near wedding ready with lack of water and a bad night sleep

ClarkeGriffin · 01/05/2021 09:27

What a very nasty post!

You can think that, but that's clearly the brides plan. But she's an ugly person inside too from the sounds of it. It sounds like an absolutely horrible wedding to attend/be forced to go to.

Original poster
Nellybellyfrillytilly · 01/05/2021 10:35

Thank you so much for everyone perspective on this, I take both sides and can kind of understand where she is coming from, but going about it in the wrong way.

Just as an update I am trying to talk to her to discuss a way to move forward and let her know I will be stepping down as Maid of Honour, I don’t want to do it over text but have been met by “I don’t want to talk”

She suggested I go to her house recently, on a day when I didn’t have the car so I suggested I call her instead, to which she did not answer - no offer of changing the date or coming to me (they have 2 cars and we only have 1 car between myself and my husband)

She has originally said she would rather text because she doesn’t like talking over the phone or face to face.. I may have no other choice than to send her a text

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 01/05/2021 10:44

Goodness. She does sound like hard work and difficult to please. I think you are doing the right thing by stepping down. I also think that you won't be the only person she has pissed off.

SonicStars · 01/05/2021 10:47

Can't believe all the camping hate on here. It's only a couple of nights and you can make it proper cozy. I first camped when my baby was 3 weeks old. Was pleasantly surprised to find she actually slept better then any other night. I thought it was maybe the fresh air. When they're mobile and you can just zip up the front out of their reach and look in to a kind of playpen that's fun too.

I think your sister needs to be more understanding that you can't just dump your baby, but let not get sidetracked with slagging off camping as a wedding choice.