AIBU Wedding day drama

[Nellybellyfrillytilly]

Looking for a bit of perspective and advice if possible.

My sister is getting married this year and I was asked to be made of honour (prior to becoming pregnant), since she found out I was pregnant she was angry that her wedding would not be the same as mine because I wouldn’t be able to drink/would have a child to look after (she does not have and does not want children). This caused a lot of tension between us.

Because of covid the original wedding date was moved, I since had our baby but my sister has rarely been present in their life - I’ve blamed covid for a lot of it as everyone is in a similar situation, but she rarely asks about my child over the phone or text.

The conversation came up that my sister would like all the bridal party to stay over at the venue the night before and night of the wedding (it’s tents and camping for everyone other than the bride and groom), at which point I spoke privately to my sister and let her know that I breastfeed my child at night, we are nursing to sleep and often have a wake up in the middle of the night, so I may not be able to stay over - she doesn’t want our baby there with me and I’m not sure camping would be practical - she is not happy, called me selfish and I should be dedicating myself to her for those few days and my husband can look after our child.

We have now not spoken for nearly a month because of this.

Am I being unreasonable, I am sticking to my guns that my child needs me and other ladies in the bridal party have older children or do not breastfeed their children so have that flexibility. I also need to add we have tried many times to introduce a bottle and rocking our child to sleep to give our household some more flexibility and it’s not been a pleasant experience, I would much rather continue breastfeeding.

Thank you for your help ☺️

I'd just tell her to fuck off and grow up

Can't believe all the camping hate on here. It's only a couple of nights and you can make it proper cozy.

If it’s so great, why aren’t the bride and groom doing it too? Why only their wedding party and not them?

God OP, your situation is so similar to mine! I have an older sister - 18 month older - and she frequently accusing me of being selfish (or other insults) when I just don't do things her way. She pays no attention to anyone else's needs, and also refuses to talk on the phone about things, preferring to send snipey texts. I am older than you I think and over the years have come to realise that she could well be diagnosable with a personality disorder. We did not have a stable upbringing so I can see the context for that but there is no moving forward with someone who genuinely does not give a fuck about anyone else's needs. You just have to draw your own boundaries and not give in to her bullying (which is what she is doing to you right now). If she thinks you should be ignoring your baby's needs during her wedding, I just hope that she does not have kids as if she thinks that's a reasonable think to say she is not fit to be a mother.

She's a bit controlling isn't she? Suppose it rains that night? I think you should resign as MOH and just go as an ordinary guest. Your reason is the baby and it's needs, especially the b/f.

I've breastfed 3 babies and no one can possibly understand the restrictions (and of course joy) that comes with that.
First baby would only take breast milk from a bottle. Second would only take breast. Third was mixed.
I think your sister is BU - you have tried to get your LO to take a bottle and it has not worked. I also B-Fed my LO's to sleep, so I totally understand.
She cannot expect you to put your life - with a new born - on hold just for her. Your baby needs you. You cannot just abandon your baby for a couple of days. End of.
I think if my sister was being this unreasonable I would just say something along the lines of, "I've tried everything to get baby to take my milk from a bottle - I cannot leave baby with no milk - I'm obviously going to spoil your day so I think it would be better for you if I was not a bridesmaid."

@SonicStars

Can't believe all the camping hate on here. It's only a couple of nights and you can make it proper cozy. I first camped when my baby was 3 weeks old. Was pleasantly surprised to find she actually slept better then any other night. I thought it was maybe the fresh air. When they're mobile and you can just zip up the front out of their reach and look in to a kind of playpen that's fun too.

I think your sister needs to be more understanding that you can't just dump your baby, but let not get sidetracked with slagging off camping as a wedding choice.

Did you go to a wedding the next morning too?

That's the obvious issue people have. Kind of want to get ready somewhere clean and warm when you are putting on a nice dress, heels and doing your make up and hair for a wedding. Not a field and a tent.

Camping with a breastfed baby is easy!

@Scotland32

I think it kinda depends on when exactly the wedding is and how old your baby will be at the time. If teeny tiny, YANBU, if almost a year old (for example) then it’s definitely doable to be able to get him/her to take a bottle or cup and stay with dad for a night.

Mine never took a bottle or a cup and if the OP wants to stay with breast that's her choice

@minniemomo

Camping with a breastfed baby is easy!

How is that relevant? The op isn't allowed to bring her baby

Ignore all the clueless people acting like baby experts yet for some reason can't grasp that not all children are the same. Mine were (one still is) both bf and no way I could have left either of them at 13 months. The first would not take a bottle at all (even a minbie). There is no way you should have to put you, your baby or your dh through that.

Child aside, clearly your sister is being very selfish. The camping thing is really strange (demanding everyone but her do it).

Would it be that bad if you fell out over it?

Text her "I need to talk to you face to face. I cannot and will not discuss what I need to discuss with you over text. Can you come over to mine please as you have a car and DH has our only car at the moment so I can't make it to yours?".
If she says no, then you just reply "Ok then. I'm stepping down as your MoH, I will attend as a guest only. I wish you all the best with the wedding prep and I hope you have a lovely wedding"
If she says yes, then give her a time to pop around and have a frank heart to heart about the wedding plans and how you will recuse yourself as MoH and happily attend as a guest as you cannot meet her requirements and you're doing your best to try and keep everyone happy so this is the only way that can happen.

Truthfully, it's one night, it means a lot to your sister that her guests have a blast at her wedding, enjoy all the festivities etc.

Personally, I would make your sister the priority on her big day! Like I said, it's one night, your baby won't remember a thing and if they are that hungry during the night they will take expressed milk via a beaker!

To me it's sounds like you're not really up for the wedding and perhaps can't be bothered to put yourself out. Sorry I don't mean for that to sound rude, I just think you should be going all-out for your sibling to make sure the day is as special as possible.

I completely understand I wouldn’t want to leave my baby either. If it was a hotel and your DP could stay with baby in a room while you pop in and out this would be a good compromise but doesn’t sound like that’s possible. Sorry she’s being a pain!

Wonder what % of brides give a shiney shit where their wedding party sleep the night before The Big Day?
Maybe a quiz show somewhere have done a survey!!

Can't believe all the camping hate on here. It's only a couple of nights and you can make it proper cozy

And then go to a wedding the next day, aye right! If its so great the happy couple would be camping to, they get the nice cosy hotel room.

@Minezatea

God OP, your situation is so similar to mine! I have an older sister - 18 month older - and she frequently accusing me of being selfish (or other insults) when I just don't do things her way. She pays no attention to anyone else's needs, and also refuses to talk on the phone about things, preferring to send snipey texts. I am older than you I think and over the years have come to realise that she could well be diagnosable with a personality disorder. We did not have a stable upbringing so I can see the context for that but there is no moving forward with someone who genuinely does not give a fuck about anyone else's needs. You just have to draw your own boundaries and not give in to her bullying (which is what she is doing to you right now). If she thinks you should be ignoring your baby's needs during her wedding, I just hope that she does not have kids as if she thinks that's a reasonable think to say she is not fit to be a mother.

This is so similar, we also had an unstable upbringing, and completely understand this thread is only a snapshot into what she’s like but this has happened our whole lives and have really struggled to constantly walk on egg shells to make sure she doesn’t get angry. Christmas, birthdays, even where to meet always has to be on her terms and we’ve always done it her way until we’ve had this baby and I now have someone else I put first. Thank you so much for sharing this, I feel for you in a similar situation but feel comforted that I’m not the only one out there!

@ThunderR0ad78

Truthfully, it's one night, it means a lot to your sister that her guests have a blast at her wedding, enjoy all the festivities etc.

Personally, I would make your sister the priority on her big day! Like I said, it's one night, your baby won't remember a thing and if they are that hungry during the night they will take expressed milk via a beaker!

To me it's sounds like you're not really up for the wedding and perhaps can't be bothered to put yourself out. Sorry I don't mean for that to sound rude, I just think you should be going all-out for your sibling to make sure the day is as special as possible.

@ThunderR0ad78 it means a lot to your sister that her guests have a blast at her wedding

That's contradictory. The OP won't have a blast, she DOESN'T WANT TO GO CAMPING as a breastfeeding mother! She will be miserable! Therefore, if it 'means a lot' to her sister that her guests have a blast, shouldn't the sister be considering the OP's wishes?

If the guests at the wedding aren't having a blast then neither will the bride.

Having a wedding with dirty, grumpy and tired guests isn't going to make for a happy day for anyone.

No, I think her sister is just hoping her guests will get into the spirit of things. I think if the OP wanted to have an enjoyable time she could certainly find a way to do so.
This is an important life event for her sister and one I personally would want to play a significant part in helping to make it a memorable day.
Obviously, there is a limit of course, but in this case I don't think the sister is asking too much, she's asking to be considered the priority for this 24-48hrs. I don't think that's unreasonable.
Anyway, that's just my view.

Bleary eyed wedding guests aren't going to be doing the photos any justice...
Likely dsis will kick off about that also!!
I absolutely love camping but ime the first night is always a bit restless!!

@ThunderR0ad78

No, I think her sister is just hoping her guests will get into the spirit of things.

If the bride is hoping her bridal party to stay in a tent for two nights (night before & night of the wedding - or even one night) why isn't she also booking herself into the same type of accommodation she's expecting others to - instead of staying in a nice hotel room? 🌹

She sounds delightful.

My sister had my Nieces by the time I had my wedding. My brother had one of my Nephews. Never crossed my mind that I had to 'put up with' their kids at my wedding (I'm the youngest and last to marry). I was very proud of them all and gave the children all a special role at my wedding.
You say she doesn't want children but she sounds like she may be incredibly jealous.

Obviously I don't have the answer to your question, I would merely be speculating but possibly it was done as a way to make the wedding more affordable for her guests. Who knows!!
Anyway good luck to all - I hope it goes well for everybody involved.

Thunder, the OP has found a solution so that she can be very present and have an enjoyable time, the sister just doesn't like it. I think your comment about that is a little unfair to the OP. You're right, there is a limit. For most people, leaving a baby who only breast feeds, to become hungry enough that they will 'take a beaker' is well over that limit and basically a little neglectful. I don't think mandated camping is about making things affordable for guests. If the sister wanted to offer a cheap accommodation option she could given details about local camping venues. That is very different to requiring that people camp.