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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

366 replies

Glitterzzz · 28/04/2021 16:38

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

OP posts:
caspersmagicaljourney · 28/04/2021 18:39

Consider yourself has having had a lucky escape.

UserTwice · 28/04/2021 18:39

@LinenBundle

That's just rude, inviting people and not others. I think the polite thing would be for them to ask them privately, or text, but some like to do this as a queen bee thing.

Talk to the lampposts, they are probably thinking the same.

Asking if someone is going to the park after school is hardly an invitation though is it? It's not like inviting everyone to the exclusive Reception parents' party but not including OP.
Tambora · 28/04/2021 18:40

The only thing you have in common with them is that you reproduced at about the same time they did.

Quite a few of the other parents probably already know one another from having an older dc already at the school.

museumum · 28/04/2021 18:44

Make friends with the lampposts!
At our school some of the mums have know each other since the maternity ward! Trying to break into a friendship group like that will always make you feel “outside”. Instead I’ve got to know other mums who don’t know others iykwim.

countryatheart · 28/04/2021 18:49

Really best to develop a harder shell op and be indifferent to some degree, make an effort with the parents your child is friends with and keep everything at a cordial hello.

Some people are rude and don't even realise it (as you can tell on here) You have not hand picked these people to be friends, it is just by chance that are altogether. Be cheery, breezy and polite, and you won't go far wrong, don't get involved with any gossip whatsoever - golden rule.

If someone is rude to you, ignores you or makes you feel awkward, take out your phone and be busy. Don't just stand there cringing.

You will find the chatty mothers will become your best friend as soon as their child takes a shine to yours. Vacuous and fickle. You are going to find this over the years. Skim over shitty behaviour, remind yourself this is on them, not you and try to avoid the children of parents like this. The apple does not fall far from the tree in my experience.

Nicola54 · 28/04/2021 18:54

Play dates! You arrange play dates with lots of kids individually at your house. You then chat to the mum when they pick up your child. You invite them in for a glass of wine or a up of tea when they pick up. You’ll make friends in no time!

felineflutter · 28/04/2021 18:54

Only 2 more years and I will be free of this. I feel your pain OP. I have a 15 year innings and quite frankly I am done!Grin

sanfranfibber · 28/04/2021 18:55

@Glitterzzz

Thanks for your input . Perhaps the masks isn’t helping ? I think I will attempt to approach a fellow lamppost but depends where I end up standing as we have to line up .
When you get in line, don't you say hello to the person in front?
Nicola54 · 28/04/2021 18:55

*when they pick up their child it should say

Spied · 28/04/2021 18:57

I'd be pleased I had the mask to hide behind tbh and keep my head down.
I'd not want to be part of such a clique.
Having children in yr 5&6 I know the 'type' well. Likelihood is they are trying to exclude you, yes. Who on Earth would talk over someone's head and not at least try and include them in the conversation. Especially when you have dc in the same class at school. Rude cows.
If I was desperate to talk to some of the other parents I'd make a move on fellow lampposts.

countryatheart · 28/04/2021 18:59

You sound lovely btw op, and I would want to talk to you if I was standing next to you in the school line up.

LimeCoconut · 28/04/2021 19:02

You can’t just smile, you have to wave and say hello and make an effort. Sounds like you want others to make an effort with you but are reluctant to do so with others?

I also detect a slight level of... idk, snideness? Bitterness? About the other parents who have made friends. They’re doing nothing wrong. They’re not obliged to include every other parent in their plans or chats, they have friends and they’re chatting to them that’s all. You have no idea whether they already knew one another beforehand.

Make a bit of effort but personally I wouldn’t lose sleep over it, it’s your kid’s school not a social club, I wouldn’t be arsed if I didn’t make friends there as long as you have other friends in your life.

LimeCoconut · 28/04/2021 19:05

Being in lines works in your favour too, you don’t have to faff around worrying about who to approach, you just speak to whoever is either side of you.

Killahangilion · 28/04/2021 19:05

It’s very simple...if you want to make friends with people YOU need to put some effort into it.

Oh and the rest of you can Fuck Off with this bollocks about cliques and Queen Bee types.

Chances are they’re no different to you other than they’re willing to put themselves out and use up precious family time when volunteers are called for fundraising etc., They have realised it won’t get done otherwise, because some of you want all the benefits but can’t be arsed to put any effort in.

Instead of sneering, maybe you could volunteer your help occasionally too?

LimeCoconut · 28/04/2021 19:06

The term Queen Bee seems to be said with some derision: what is it exactly? Just a person who is outgoing and friendly, gets involved and makes the effort to befriend some people?

MoreMorelos · 28/04/2021 19:18

Don't get sucked in, you're best off leaving them to it and not getting involved. Not having to do primary school runs was a real celebration for me

Maggiesfarm · 28/04/2021 19:19

I always turned up last at pick up time to avoid being drawn into mum-type conversations.

You don't need it! Your child will make friends without you facilitating anything.

Franklyfrost · 28/04/2021 19:22

You don’t like them because they are friends and hang out but you want to be one of them? That’s messed up.

If you’re standing there resenting people for not talking to you then they will pick up on that.

Chose your favourite three parents and say hi at least every other time you see them for a month. You’ll be on talking terms with at least one of them by half term. And then do the same with another three parents who take your fancy.

ThrowawayBerna · 28/04/2021 19:22

I can get with parent friendship groups forming around having older pupils, being related, being former pupils, being younger relatives of both the former.
I can't get with what happens at child level. In our school, those parents only want their kids to be friends with their friends' children, often bypassing the children's preferences. There have been some bored in-group children metaphorically 'looking over the fence' at other children they never get to play with. Then, towards the end of primary, new groups spring up, magically, around which secondary school people are going to, presumably for car-pool purposes (they've never played together).
It is very engineered here. Will be glad to move up.

AgathaAllAlong · 28/04/2021 19:22

@HidingFromTheChildren

I've never spoken a single word to anyone on the school run & my kid is nearly 8.

I always see the mums chatting & think they must have nothing better to do than talking about the weather etc.

No wonder you never see the dads dropping the same kids off lol.

Why do you think that they have nothing better to do than chat about the weather? They might be friends or they might be chatting about kids / mutual interests / any topic?
NerrSnerr · 28/04/2021 19:23

Don't get sucked in, you're best off leaving them to it and not getting involved.

Involved in what? I have a few friends who I will chat to (it's harder now as you need to time it right to be next to them in the queue!). We have a catch up, ask how everyone's doing, how's work? Shall we go to the park on Saturday etc. That's seems pretty similar to everyone else and what they chat about.

I don't think everyone needs to be friendly with everyone. Most people at our school will say hello but lots don't appear to want to chat and of course that's fine too. I don't see any of this 'Queen bee' stuff; just people who know each other having a quick chat.

countryatheart · 28/04/2021 19:23

Oh and the rest of you can Fuck Off with this bollocks about cliques and Queen Bee types

Raw nerve?

LimeCoconut · 28/04/2021 19:24

@countryatheart

Oh and the rest of you can Fuck Off with this bollocks about cliques and Queen Bee types

Raw nerve?

It is nastiness though. There’s no need for it.
Lorw · 28/04/2021 19:25

OP, why don’t you strike up a conversation with the other ‘lampposts’? For all you know they are thinking the exact same thing 😁

countryatheart · 28/04/2021 19:27

I agree lime speaking over someone's head is nasty. It is bloody rude and nasty. Op is a better person than me, I would have said something along the lines of ' Am I in your way, would you prefer to swap?' because there is no way I would stand there feeling like a lemming whilst mothers with no manners spoke over my head, not in a million years.

RUDE