SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

[Glitterzzz]

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

@MsTSwift

The internalised misogyny is strong on this thread!

It is! People on here now generally call out posters who loudly proclaim themselves not to like other women, who are bitchy, competitive, drama-queens, and who prefer to hang around exclusively with men who are big sweet, easy teddybears -- but school run clique threads seem to be the last bastion of misogynistic sweeping statements about other women, who are turned vicious and vacuous purely by virtue of them having a child born in the same year as yours.

I've never understood why a group of women standing at the schools gates having the temerity to talk to each other is labelled 'gossiping'. If it was anywhere else they'd just be 'talking'.

Considering how negatively people view them, why on earth would they want to make the effort with anyone else?!

@motherloaded

Women who talk to other women are ‘vacuous’?

I also talk with MEN on the school run. I wonder what the poster you quoted is making of people like me

Well, clearly you are having an affair with them. There is no other reason that a woman would talk to a man, after all ..

I rarely do the school run but when I do I just chat at anyone who looks remotely open to it. If there are lots of other lampposts then pick one and chat to them... you might start a new group!

@Glitterzzz

I think it’s been hard for the kids as they started in September last year, then October holidays followed by Christmas and then another lockdown so I know my little one is mixing with class friends but hasn’t attached/ mentioned any particular names ...

I went today and thought I’ll try but again we all line up nobody turns around, nobody makes eye contact , maybe it’s better to be a pretty lamppost instead of a rose Bush with thorns ( aka not as nice as it seems ) 😂😂😂

But why didn’t you turn around and talk?? This is so passive aggressive.

I would make sure I was in the line next to one of the lamp posts and start a conversation with them and ignore the alphas. If lamp post 1 is a dead loss, I'd move on to another until I found at least one person to be friendly with.

I’m completely with you on this & feel the same. I’m on my 3rd child at the school but can’t seem to get to know any of the other parents in dc 3’s class.
Over the years I have developed a kind of social anxiety & I find it really hard to make small talk with people in these kind of situations. Pre -covid children’s birthday parties were an absolute nightmare for me if I didn’t know any of the other parents going.

Considering how negatively people view them, why on earth would they want to make the effort with anyone else?!

This is the million dollar question. It is such obvious chippy sour grapes.

My mum and my sister did the school run for me as I started work early so I did not have the opportunity to get to know the other mums and found it almost impossible to join the ‘friendship groups’ the other mums have made, the longer you leave it the harder it will be but I k is how unapproachable they look and it is quite intimidating

My DD is in reception and I've found all the mums quite friendly-sometimes chat other times just stand there. I talk more to one who is my neighbour and the others who's girls my daughter plays with.

@ChubbyMoomin

I’m completely with you on this & feel the same. I’m on my 3rd child at the school but can’t seem to get to know any of the other parents in dc 3’s class. Over the years I have developed a kind of social anxiety & I find it really hard to make small talk with people in these kind of situations. Pre -covid children’s birthday parties were an absolute nightmare for me if I didn’t know any of the other parents going.

Did the parents actually go to the party or just drop and pick up their children? I never attended parties my children went to and parents didn't attend mine.

ShortyByTheSea Mon 03-May-21 17:06:56
My mum and my sister did the school run for me as I started work early so I did not have the opportunity to get to know the other mums and found it almost impossible to join the ‘friendship groups’ the other mums have made, the longer you leave it the harder it will be but I k is how unapproachable they look and it is quite intimidating
...........
Is it really that important to join the 'friendship groups'? If you go out to work, you generally make friends there.

What if you don't work and live in the middle of nowhere wjth not much time to cultivate friendships? It's hard... some mums DO rely on that contact twice a day.

We're only at preschool so far and nobody can talk at drop off as it's all done directly from peoples cars.

When DS started mentioning what kids he liked playing with I asked the school via our contact app to pass my contact details to their parents so we could arrange a play date.

I know two people now! And have been invited to two group events too. But it has taken me 6 months (not counting the school closed over covid time).

I really don't think it's that rude to talk to your friends in the line.

I do recognise the groups that op is talking about. Sometimes you just get a bad year. In my eldest’s class there were a small group of super pushy over ambitious mums who seemed determined to be the centre of everything. Really unfriendly to other mums, stood in a circle with their backs to everyone. Actually heard them mocking another mum’s accent a few times, they were like spiteful teenagers. I volunteered for every event they organised and they never said thank you once. In my youngest’s class it’s a completely different atmosphere. Lovely friendly mums, everyone relaxed, the class reps are inclusive and thoughtful. It’s amazing how a few mums can change a class.

@tootiredx1000

What if you don't work and live in the middle of nowhere wjth not much time to cultivate friendships? It's hard... some mums DO rely on that contact twice a day.

They do, it's sad really.

Talk to the lampposts!

Also, how I've avoided a great deal of drama as a Mum is not getting into the school Mum crowd. The drama that goes on it intense. Women trying to orchestrate friendships for their dc, make sure they stay in the 'in' crowd. The fallouts are immense, typically over whose invited to a playdate and who isn't, birthday parties and jealousy. I think my dc have been better off by not being part of it. But I also felt invisible so I get it @Glitterzzz.