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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

366 replies

Glitterzzz · 28/04/2021 16:38

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 28/04/2021 18:13

Agreed. So ridiculous that women (and it is women, not men) re expected to be social butterflies simply because they're collecting a child from school. People probably have nothing in common with 95% of the school mums anyway, except their children are in the same class, this whining about being excluded is pathetic

Who says they have to? The OP wants to be included, they just don’t want to make the first move.

And nobody needs to make BBFs on the school run but a network of people you can contact if you’re running late or have missed a school memo is handy surely?

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/04/2021 18:13

Surely though, OP could have starting talking to people as well? She has just as much responsibility here.

This. People have lives and preoccupations. I've just been signed off work for exhaustion - I really don't have the will or obligation to bounce up to people I may think are new

CHISistoast · 28/04/2021 18:15

You'll get to know people better when play dates can properly recommence. But you could ask your DC who they're close to, ask their mums if they'd like to meet in the park. You will need to put in some effort. It'll be fine!

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 28/04/2021 18:16

when I say the 3/5 mums I know they don’t know each other from before and the ‘ top dog’ is in the group - the one who is very vocal, in your face, has set up all the social media for the class , is On the pta and so on.. they clearly have their group and that’s fine .. I don’t want to be in a bloody group I’m just fed up of silence and being looked or like today spoke over .

OP posts:
UserTwice · 28/04/2021 18:16

happy op is not a stranger. She is a fellow parent in the same year as their children, quite likely to be part of their lives for years and years to come, as a bare minimum they should be saying hello and introducing themselves.

In that case OP should also be saying hello and introducing herself. It's not like she's the new parent in an established year group - all the children have started Reception at the same time.

Happycat1212 · 28/04/2021 18:16

countryatheart clearly you missed my post before, I have already stated that I am one of the mums who doesn’t speak to anyone so I don’t talk over peoples head, I haven’t made any school mum friends but I certainly don’t think randomer should include me in their conversation just because we are standing in the same place, she won’t necessarily get to know the mums, my oldest is in year 5 and I couldn’t tell you the name of any of them as I don’t speak to any of them. If the op doesn’t put herself out there and attempt to speak to them then she can’t be annoyed they haven’t spoken to her you can’t expect mums to just start including her in their conversation!

Dentistlakes · 28/04/2021 18:17

Depending on the catchment, it’s likely some parents already know each other from other things like nursery or playgroups. It’s very much like this at my DCs school and some of the mums even went to school together or know each other through their husbands (golf, rugby etc). IME they are more than happy to chat, but unless you put yourself forward they’ll not seek you out. It also depends how much time you want to devote to socialising. I’m often rushing to work or kids sports so don’t spend a lot of time chatting but i think it’s a case of the more you put in the more you get out. If you are quiet and appear not to want to talk, people will leave you to it,

LovePoppy · 28/04/2021 18:17

@Pumperthepumper

Agreed. So ridiculous that women (and it is women, not men) re expected to be social butterflies simply because they're collecting a child from school. People probably have nothing in common with 95% of the school mums anyway, except their children are in the same class, this whining about being excluded is pathetic

Who says they have to? The OP wants to be included, they just don’t want to make the first move.

And nobody needs to make BBFs on the school run but a network of people you can contact if you’re running late or have missed a school memo is handy surely?

And this is where the onus falls again on OP
Branleuse · 28/04/2021 18:18

Put a message on the whatsapp group saying that youre going to the park after school on friday and if anyone fancies joining you so you dont feel like a lemon on your own, then please do. Youll be the one in the red coat/pink DMS/floral bikini etc

LinenBundle · 28/04/2021 18:20

That's just rude, inviting people and not others. I think the polite thing would be for them to ask them privately, or text, but some like to do this as a queen bee thing.

Talk to the lampposts, they are probably thinking the same.

Jangle33 · 28/04/2021 18:21

Don’t you already have plenty of mum friends from your older kids. Presumably this is how the mums know each other?

LoudestCat14 · 28/04/2021 18:23

It's really hard to put yourself out there first, but it does sound as though you need to make it known you're up for making friends, either in person or via WA. Does your child mention any children in particular they've made friends with in class? You could find out who their parent is and suggest you go to the park together. If you're really brave, you could just front it out on WA, say you'd like to get to know more people so could we do a class meet up in the park that everyone's invited to?

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/04/2021 18:23

The OP wants to be included, they just don’t want to make the first move.

Well I'm afraid the world doesn't work like that. If you want to be included, you make the first move. Not just stand around waiting for others to be psychic

Happycat1212 · 28/04/2021 18:23

That's just rude, inviting people and not others.

So when you invite your child’s friend to the park you should invite all the other 30 parents as well?

Moonpeg · 28/04/2021 18:24

I try and stay clear of the mummy mafia, I get there as soon as the bell goes, in and out. As the kids get older it gets easier. The kids usually walk to the car on their own or walk home.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/04/2021 18:25

That's just rude, inviting people and not others. I think the polite thing would be for them to ask them privately, or text, but some like to do this as a queen bee thing.

I don't much care for the mum's in my DC'a class but my best friend's DD is in the year below my DD - we often go to the park, have glasses of wine together etc, should we be inviting both the classes along Confused

It's really simple OP, invite others to talk to you or join you in the park, do it in WhatsApp group and stop thinking everyone is against you

emilyfrost · 28/04/2021 18:27

If you’re fed up of silence why would you not just say a cheery hello? Confused

I’d you’ve never been spoken to them why would you expect them to invite you?

Dipi79 · 28/04/2021 18:27

Talk to them. Just TALK. If you've spent day after day standing in line not saying a word, it is little wonder you feel invisible.

Cherrysherbet · 28/04/2021 18:28

I have stood in the playground talking to a mum, and she was looking past me for a better option....I have stood talking to a Mum and half way though a conversation she got her phone out......I have stood talking with a group of mums, and the queen bee literally turned her back on me and cut me out.

In all these situations I felt like an utter twat!
Not anymore. I have zero time for these people. I can't stand the crap that goes on, and it happens in every school.

We all worry about our kids getting bullied at school, but look at the role models some of these kids have.

It's crazy what some mums will do to keep their kids in with the in crowd. These people are not friends, they are just trying to make sure their child is not left out. It's so pathetic.

I now drop and run. I've been at the school gates for 20 yrs now! Only one more year to go.....Thank fuck!!

Beverley71 · 28/04/2021 18:30

@MyDcAreMarvel

Nobody should be getting there early to chat. I wouldn’t pay any attention, you are picking your child up, it’s not a social event. You can just stand in silence why would you need to chat?
I always get there early to chat. I’ve not had much of a social life this last 12 months, seeing someone other that who you live with is the highlight of my day
Skyla2005 · 28/04/2021 18:31

@Glitterzzz

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

It isn't That rare to be able to carry on a great friendship I met my very best friends when my daughter begun reception 15 years ago. Try and have a chat with the others that aren't speaking In a group. I'm sure they will be grateful that you did ! I think the mask makes making new friends hard
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/04/2021 18:32

I get there early to chat when I can make it too. Didn't know this wasn't ok Confused

Kokosrieksts · 28/04/2021 18:33

I don’t think the chatty mums have done anything wrong. You could find a moment to ask - “when are you going to the park, we might join”. Or actually say hello in the morning.
Invite people to the park or elsewhere. Be proactive.
It’s hard, I know. I can also become invisible as sometimes struggle with small talk, but you have nothing to lose if you try to make friends. I bet at least one of the other quiet mums would love and WhatsApp invite for a walk in the park.

Happycat1212 · 28/04/2021 18:35

Our school has told parents not to get to the school early to chat and not to hang around after pick up either.

Thomasina79 · 28/04/2021 18:37

I remember those days! It’s like being back in the school playground yourself. I joined the PTA and it is a good way of making friends, but I think that there are always going to be the Queen Bee types everywhere.

As you say, by secondary school things are different. But be assured, it’s not you, some people are just really rude. (Personally I would not talk to someone over another person’s head).