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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

366 replies

Glitterzzz · 28/04/2021 16:38

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

OP posts:
BobBobBobbin · 29/04/2021 21:40

When DC1 was in reception I felt a bit like a social outcast - everyone else seemed chatty and to know each other and I hated it. I didn’t know a single other school mum. I found it took ages to get past the ‘hello’ stage with anyone.

DC2 is joining reception in September and I will know a good half of the mums before we even start (combo of neighbours, nursery friends, young siblings of families already at the school). Some are people I’ve known for years and am already good friends with. I’m probably going to look like a ‘queen bee’ mum.

I’ll try to make an effort with the new mums but it’s inevitable that the people who are my neighbours and friends are going to get more of my time.

Maggiesfarm · 29/04/2021 21:41

@Toomuchtrouble4me

A) Talk to the other ignored mums B) In my experience of 4 kids - school gate relationships are best avoided.
Yes. Especially B.

winniestone: "...a mum I didn’t know nudged her grind and said oh here she comes."

That is about as bitchy as it gets, I'm horrified.
(What is a 'grind'? Do you mean 'friend'? :-))

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 21:50

@Hollywolly1

I find those sort of mums love playing exclusion games
Seriously? So they can’t go to the park, every time they need to make it a whole class event and they aren’t allowed to have friends?

It’s not exclusion, no more than it is if you walk into a restaurant alone and the folks sitting together at a table don’t ask you to join them simoly as you’re in the same location.. Do you shout you’re being excluded then?

MsTSwift · 29/04/2021 22:03

The vast majority of adults are not giving you a single passing thought. People are bothered about what they and their kids are doing - other adults they don’t know are not on their radar. I thought everyone knew this? Talking about randoms playing “exclusion games” against you is actually quite insane.

coldwarenigma · 29/04/2021 22:07

Oh dear god I remember this and I didnt have masks to contend with..I feel for you OP

I did get into a conversation with another 'lamp post mum' though, we are still friends 25 years later. Our DC were never friends, never really knew each other. They know who I'm talking about if I mention them but thats it. Bite the bullet OP just say 'Hi'
that reminds me, need to arrange post covid meet up

Cakeandcoffeea · 29/04/2021 22:07

I am quite shy with new people and have serious resting bitch face so that’s not a good combo for me haha!! I feel so shy and awkward with some people. I’m sure many mums are the same

Clusterfckintolerant · 29/04/2021 22:09

We've got similar issue. I'm not worried. This year's been awful for meeting other parents. If any were as overtly rude as you describe, I'd not be in any hurry to befriend them.

Vickles20 · 29/04/2021 22:09

OP. Ignore the unkind comments. I hear you. School playground can be tough. I’ve had 4 kids go through the school. I see it all the time.
I think you’re spot on with lockdown having affected your child’s friendship opportunities. And to the that extent. Yours.
I think the social distancing and mask wearing makes it virtually impossible to start a conversation with another mum.
Is there a parents what’s app group? Could you find out from your dc a few names of kids they like? Or even ask the teacher who they gravitate to? Then out a shout out on the what’s app group? Or get your little one to show you their friend is and walk over to the mum and go over and have a chat?

Nohomemadecandles · 29/04/2021 22:11

@MsTSwift

The vast majority of adults are not giving you a single passing thought. People are bothered about what they and their kids are doing - other adults they don’t know are not on their radar. I thought everyone knew this? Talking about randoms playing “exclusion games” against you is actually quite insane.
And if it's in the morning, I won't even see you! I hate mornings and I am in my own world. No mind games before the 4th coffee!

It's crackers to think anyone thinks like that.

Purpl · 29/04/2021 22:34

Ahh it’s lonely I didn’t like it much either but I’ve made great friends way past primary. Dont give up. Ask you child who they play with then ask those mums to the park. That’s a good starting point. Also arrange a mums night out wheh thinkgs get back to normal that’s how I met other mums I gelled with. I took the initiative. But out of comfort zone but like you say 7 Years is a long time, everything harder in covid it get easier

Hollywolly1 · 29/04/2021 23:08

Of course people are entitled to talk 🙄 to whoever they want and I'm not insane thanks to those who said I was.Exclusion is a bullying tactic and the op said she would be in the middle and other mums talking over her to each other,I think you are lucky to not be part of the gang.
They seem rude and normally in those mum groups there are little groups within the groups

Birdcloud · 29/04/2021 23:09

Let’s all settle down and get ready to laugh at the new series of ‘Motherland’- starts soon!

MountIronSolo01 · 30/04/2021 00:08

I stand quite happily on my own in silence. A lot of the chat is mainly small talk. I’m not unfriendly and will happily chat if approached but I don’t seek it out.

jpm129 · 30/04/2021 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2021 09:14

@jpm129

Dodged a bullet if you ask me. Who wants to cosy-up with the vacuous gossips, anyway? If you really are in need of validation, join the PTA and become a fully-fledged bore with the rest of them.
Wow, what a mysogynistic statement. Why would you hurl abuse these women like this?
NerrSnerr · 30/04/2021 09:17

@jpm129

Dodged a bullet if you ask me. Who wants to cosy-up with the vacuous gossips, anyway? If you really are in need of validation, join the PTA and become a fully-fledged bore with the rest of them.
This is what is highlighted on this thread. The people who will chat to others at the school gate are not slagging off those who are quiet, but lots of rudeness to those who dare make a bit of small talk or heaven forbid have friends.
motherloaded · 30/04/2021 09:22

@jpm129

Dodged a bullet if you ask me. Who wants to cosy-up with the vacuous gossips, anyway? If you really are in need of validation, join the PTA and become a fully-fledged bore with the rest of them.
I trust that you are declining for your child to benefit from anything that was bought by the PTA then?

In our school, that's all the playground equipment, the touch screens, the books, the treats throughout the year, the contribution to their trips, the subscription to twinkle and the list goes on.

I would be so embarrassed to be too lazy to help out MY child and insult the ones who actually do.

CarolinaInMyMind · 30/04/2021 09:25

I completely get how you can get into this passive mode of waiting till someone else is friendly to you - I've done it myself - but at the end of the day, there's no reason why others should say hello and reach out to you but not you to them.

You're an adult, not a child or someone with autism (I don't think!) who finds it hard to judge social situations, so you can just step up and say 'Hello' and start a convo with someone. My tips: say it loud so no one can ignore, engage with one of the other parents alone, and just ask questions (yes, even boring ones!) if the convo runs dry.

Good luck! Smile

UserAtRandom · 30/04/2021 09:28

If you really are in need of validation, join the PTA and become a fully-fledged bore with the rest of them.

Yes, it's very boring to have other people organise things like summer fayres/Christmas parties/school discos and fundraise for useful things for the school that your DC will benefit from. Much better to avoid Hmm

Boofay · 30/04/2021 09:28

Whoa, this thread!

I started off as a quiet mum who didn't know anyone, watching with a little envy as other chatted amongst each other and made plans to meet up.
You know what? They owed me nothing! It was no one's job to come up to the random person at the back to make her feel welcome and invite her to all the play dates, that was my job. I could have been anyone. They didn't know they'd get on with me as much as I didn't know I'd get on with them.
Eventually, I mustered enough courage to start chatting with the odd mum or two, and fast forward several years I can count so many of those mums as some of my best friends.
Yes, it takes a bit of courage when you're an outsider, but we are the masters of our own destiny (cringe) and if you want to start chatting to other parents and make some friends, get on with it!
Turns out that the chatty, confident mums were in the same boat as you at some point, and most are absolutely lovely!

Usernamerequired · 30/04/2021 11:00

@LannieDuck

It's tough if you're naturally shy and/or introverted, but try making small talk while you're in the line. Just stuff about the weather, or the homework. Banal stuff that doesn't matter, and is just a very brief interaction.

Asking simple questions is good, e.g. do you know if we're supposed to do all the homework qs or just 1? Do you know what they're doing in PE this term? When are the reading books coming back in bags? (Doesn't matter if you don't need to know! As long as it's not a ridiculous question that makes you look strange for asking Grin).

Don't put pressure on yourself to have a huge long conversation, just some polite small-talk in passing each day with whoever happens to be next to you, and at some point you'll end up making small talk with someone you've done it with before, or they'll say hi to you as they walk past you in the playground, and you'll start to get to know people. Start small :)

Great idea! Other ideas- Gosh isn’t it hard to believe school year is nearly finished? Should we arrange a summer end of term trip to the park(/beach wherever Covid rules allow)?
SaturdayRocks · 30/04/2021 11:11

@jpm129

Dodged a bullet if you ask me. Who wants to cosy-up with the vacuous gossips, anyway? If you really are in need of validation, join the PTA and become a fully-fledged bore with the rest of them.
Women who talk to other women are ‘vacuous’?
MsTSwift · 30/04/2021 11:20

The internalised misogyny is strong on this thread!

motherloaded · 30/04/2021 11:23

Women who talk to other women are ‘vacuous’? Grin

I also talk with MEN on the school run. I wonder what the poster you quoted is making of people like me

Chocolateandamaretto · 30/04/2021 11:59

Talk to the other "lamp posts" just say "oh which one is yours? How are they getting on?"
Set yourself a goal to talk to one or two a week.
Next time you take your child to the park put on the WhatsApp group "what a lovely day, taking DC to the park this afternoon if anyone else fancies it" (I find it easier to instigate socialising if I phrase it as "I am doing something, do you want to join me" rather than "shall we do this together" as it feels less like rejection!)
Do you live near anyone? See if you can walk in with them? Just if you see them walking double time and catch up and say "Oh hello, is your DC in my DCs class?" and go from there.

I am shy and I suck at small talk but these are all things I have done. Accept that sometimes you will say something banal and the other person will give a one word response and that will be the end of it. I'm not best friends with half the year but I have some good mates at school now and I'm not generally left standing like a lemon!

Also you said your DH does the drop off - has he broken the ice with anyone? Because if he has maybe he can instigate a family park trip at the weekend? That way the ice has already been broken and DH can introduce you?