SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

[Glitterzzz]

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

I'm not sure how they have made friends when you are meant to be wearing masks and not chatting whilst waiting to drop off and collect!
I would ask your child who they play with and then get them to ask their friend if they want to meet at the park after school - a good way to catch the parent and say the children have been talking about going to the park or arrange a playdate when Covid allows. If the parent is one of the clique they may well introduce you to the others at the park. It's extra awkward at the moment with Covid and mask wearing but I try to generally smile, nod and say hello to everyone.

If they talk over your head again, pretend to be swatting overhead flies

@DarlingCoffee

School mum friends are overrated in my opinion

so are colleague friends, neighbours friends, gym friends.. They are just people who happen to have a child the same age as yours.

Trying to create a clique is just as bad as feeling too superior to get to know some of them.

So glad mine are at high school or left completely now.
I bloody well hated the school gate cliques.

See when the Lamposts tend to arrive and try and talk to them one morning. They’ll
probably be really glad you’ve made the first move! The hardest bit is the first awkward convo but it’ll get better with time. You won’t be standing there in silence for six years!

Even the Queen Bees might be ok and are just too set in their ways or cliquey to reach out to a stranger. Set yourself the challenge!

It's tough if you're naturally shy and/or introverted, but try making small talk while you're in the line. Just stuff about the weather, or the homework. Banal stuff that doesn't matter, and is just a very brief interaction.

Asking simple questions is good, e.g. do you know if we're supposed to do all the homework qs or just 1? Do you know what they're doing in PE this term? When are the reading books coming back in bags? (Doesn't matter if you don't need to know! As long as it's not a ridiculous question that makes you look strange for asking ).

Don't put pressure on yourself to have a huge long conversation, just some polite small-talk in passing each day with whoever happens to be next to you, and at some point you'll end up making small talk with someone you've done it with before, or they'll say hi to you as they walk past you in the playground, and you'll start to get to know people. Start small :)

I get my kids and run, I have no need or desire for school mum friends. Not superior just no want for it.

Also, I often open with 'Hi, I'm X's Mum. Is your child in Y class too?' Very simple way to start a conversation with someone you don't know.

Oh - homeschooling and Covid is a great thing to have random chats about with people you don't know! Sympathising about how hard it's been, or how the kids are finding going back to school.

If you make no effort to talk to them perhaps they think you want to be left alone?

Try talking to them. A feeble smile behind a mask isn’t going to get you anywhere right now. It may be they know each other via mutual siblings. Don’t just stand there seething silently, go over and say hello to them or the others!

@MammaSchwifty

Go make friends with the lampposts, or just turn up at the park and your child will play with the kids there. Or, send out your own invite on the WhatsApp group, tell everyone you're going to the park after school if anyone wants to join.

simply this. Yes its not great youve been a bit excluded but you also havent tried making much effort either

Just avoid calling them "the lampposts"

If there are 7-10 of you looking like lamp-posts, it's a fair bet that you're not the only one wishing someone would talk to them. Be brave and start a conversation, even if it's only about whether their child is for ever coming home with sand in their shoes / whiteboard pen on their jumper / the same reading book they've had for three weeks / do they know if there will be a sports day. It takes time, but bit by bit you'll begin to feel more confident. And as that happens, keep watching out for the ones who are still being lamp-posts, and try and include them! You may find that some of the lamp-posts have mum-friends from their older child's class and aren't so bothered about making new friends, but they'll probably still be friendly enough whilst in the queue.

I wouldn't worry about talking to the ones who've already found their crowd - they probably already knew each other and it would take longer to break into that group. If you're stuck between two of them, either chip into the conversation, or if that doesn't seem appropriate or welcome, suggest that the one behind you swaps, and start a conversation with the person behind them.

I’ve said Yanbu because I know how you feel but actually I also see the other side. I started going to the park with DC every day after school this year and the other mums that usually go will say “see you at the park” just because we’re usually there.

Going to the park is just to let the DC have a run before home. Knowing the other parents is just a by-product of that. DC and I go anyway, whether there’s loads of people coming or no one.

You stand there silent then wonder why nobody speaks to you?

Why not try speaking to another silent person? You could say "Lets go to the park".

I'd put a message on the group chat saying your dc would like to play with friends in the park, ask if anyone is interested. I hated the start of being friendly with school mums but they were in the same situation. Be the one who asks first and the lampposts might be glad of it!

I am a chatty person and I will talk to people while waiting if they wanted to talk to me, but I would also let the people who don't speak be alone as I want to respect that not everyone wants social contact. If you haven't spoken to them, how are they supposed to know that you want to chat? Be more proactive.

I felt like this when my first child started school 5 years ago. I have social anxiety so i was coming up with all sorts of reasons in my head why i was being 'rejected' and i felt like they didnt like my child either. After a year or so i got used to being ignored so no longer cared....thats when the kid's party invites started coming and playdate invitations...of course i was delighted for my son...but even now 5 years later and another child at school im one of the mums who only talks to people if they start the conversation...otherwise il just fade into background and mind my own business....

I hated the school playground because I have terrible social anxiety, but I knew I had to just force myself to speak to people. Try to work out which are the mums of the kids your child plays with and introduce yourself - easier if you can catch one of them on their own. Suggest the park to them and see what happens.

I was terribly intimidated by the 'popular' crew, but as I eventually got to know them a bit, it turned out that they were all related (sisters, their cousin and their sister-in-law) and/or had known each other since they were at primary school themselves, so it wasn't the case that they'd made friends really quickly and formed a clique, just that they naturally gravitated to each other and didn't take much notice of anyone else.

(I must confess that I'm very glad to be done with all that now that my DS is at secondary and sorts out his own social life, though!!)

You need to be more proactive by the sound of it

And try not to think of mums chatting as 'gossiping'.

They may know each other already through nursery or older children. Give it time you will meet people when social events start again, assemblies/parties etc

Don't know if you are looking for advice, or just sharing, but I'd go talk to one of the other "lampposts" say something like "Hi I'm glitter, little glitter just started here, how are you?" and see how it goes. I wouldn't especially bother with the ones who already have a social group until my kids were obviously friends.

1. Who does your DC play with? I'd try and identify that and go over to the parent, initiate conversation and suggest little Glitterrrzzz would love to meet up with xxx outside school, could we arrange a good time to meet up at the park. That will mea you get to meet / speak to them properly masks off then you have someone to say hello to / chat to at pick up. Repeat.
2. When you arrive instigate a conversation with the person next to you. Ask if they know if reading books are being sent out or if X activity is on? Just break the ice then you can chat about how the kids have settled at school, if they have plans for half term, the weather

If you can't chat with someone without being accused of being in a "clique", it's rather ridiculous.

I always find a smile and hi how are you ? works , because it needs a definite answer .