SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

[Glitterzzz]

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

@LimeCoconut

The term Queen Bee seems to be said with some derision: what is it exactly? Just a person who is outgoing and friendly, gets involved and makes the effort to befriend some people?

It means a woman who has the audacity to have some friends but isn't friends with absolutely every female in a 5 mile radius. Some much misogyny on this thread - why do other women have to go to huge lengths to accommodate for people not even willing to open their mouths lest they be called 'rude' or 'bitch' or 'Queen Bee'

School gates can be hideous and clichey. I remember it as being very uncomfortable and unfriendly in the early years when I was newish to the area - no eye contact, no smiles, nothing. Then later on getting to know some decent people to say hello to.
Now that my DD is in Y6 I think I might actually miss the morning school gate chat. I still find it weird when another mum walks past me and looks through me yet we have stood within a few feet of each other waiting for or dropping off our children for about a decade. I used to feel bad about it, but it's their loss. I say hi to absolutely everyone now even if I don't know their names or who their kids are.
I do sympathise with you. It is very chilling. Just brazen it out. It gets better! xxx

Queen bee usually means a manipulative bully that claws her way to the top of her social group, throwing the odd mother under a bus as she goes, and does not understand the meaning of friendship. It is all about admirers and being part of the 'group' and there is nothing genuine or decent about it.

I should know I was one, but then again I was fifteen at the time.

They're very likely to have older children and got to know each other a while ago. My sympathies, it's an awful feeling and I can't imagine how awful it would be for this to be your experience.

Have you managed to identify which parents belong to the children your child talks about ? Hopefully one of thems a lamppost and you can make the first move ... other option is you post that you’re taking your little one to the park after school and does anyone want to come .. though that’s a bit tricky with groups of 6 ... maybe Covid restrictions are the real problem !

Spot on @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop. The audacity of these women having friends but not continually putting effort into making more and more friends with people who haven’t actually spoken to them or made any effort 🙄

You misunderstood me @countryatheart. It’s nasty to speak sneerily about cliques and queen bees when what they’re actually referring to is a couple of mums who know each other having a chat at the school gates. Maybe we were raised differently but I wouldn’t consider it rude to speak to a friend I knew just because another person was in between us in the queue. If you’re queuing in the post office and see your mate a couple of people down are you really claiming that you refuse to talk to them until you’ve both left the queue?

Another quote funny thing I eventually found out - I couldn't understand the connections between mother's who didn't seem to have spoken to each other. It turns out that despite living in a commuter town, literally half the mother's went to school together, to the exact same school they're now dropping their kids at. Kind of cute but is inevitably going to be a bit cliquey. Good thing is once you get to know the nice ones, they tell you all sorts of stuff, like the fact that the bitchy women were also bitchy at school

Sorry about the stupid apostrophes.

How are you sure they didn't know each other before op? With the exception of the time they spoke over you, which was rude, I think you're actually being very judgemental about them with the whole Queen Bee thing.

I have felt hurt about parent dynamics before, but on reflection I think I was being over-sensitive. As other have said, go to the park and try to get chatting with people. They might be arseholes but you don't actually know that. I have friends I chat with at the school gates, but I'd be pleased to make new ones.

I can assure you I’m not bitter at all! I expected some of what I’m seeing , and to the person who said say hello to the person in front ... what to their back? 😂😂 it’s a very odd mix of people .. like I said we have lampposts , we have the mum gang , we have ones that bring their cup of tea to the school pick up line ... not a travel cup... the cup from the house 😂 and I stand by IT is rude for top dog mum to walk past the line and only say to 5-10 mums about seeing them at the park. I cannot be the only mum thinking that ... unless they all live on the same route home then there is deffo planning going into arranging those meets ups .

I’m also not sneering at any of them 😂 I have friends outside of this school so I am capable

You sound very passive. If you want to make friends:

Who does your dd play with? Arrange play dates with her ~3 closest friends.

Just go to the park after school. You don’t need an invite.

Get to the gates 5 mins early.

Chat to whoever is behind or in front of you in the queue.

Join the pta/friends group. Volunteer to help at the next school event etc.

@Glitterzzz

when I say the 3/5 mums I know they don’t know each other from before and the ‘ top dog’ is in the group - the one who is very vocal, in your face, has set up all the social media for the class , is On the pta and so on.. they clearly have their group and that’s fine .. I don’t want to be in a bloody group I’m just fed up of silence and being looked or like today spoke over .

That was really nice of her to spend her time doing stuff which benefits everyone.

You've not made any move to chat to the other quiet ones, but still feel able to be rude about the ones that have.

Honestly the amount of crap talked on MN about 'school mum cliques', that actually just comes down to people who have similar circumstances (same age toddlers, kids who do the same extracurriculars, people who have a lot in common and would be friends in everyday life too), and then an MN person who'd rather stand there like a lamppost, observing others in the same situation, and judge others. I'm a working single mum so am very much on the outer in my younger DCs' classes on the rare occasions I can pick up, Vs knowing lots of mums with my eldest - but still appreciate that it's nothing to do with any 'queen bee' BS.

Maybe they were talking past you because you've never shown the least inclination to say hello to others? Or maybe they are rude, but they're 3-5 out of a class of 30, maybe chat to someone else.

Op its hard. My daughters year a bit easier. Hi Im x mam that usually starts the chat. Hard with masks/covid. Hate these cliques too had it temping its crappy.

Why should everyone be invited to the park? If your child is friendly with any of these parents children then approach them, tell them who your child is and ask if they'd like to go to the park one day. The one asking people to go to the park will be asking the parents she knows. It happens at my school all of the time- why would I get offended when they're not my friends?

I met lots through PA good way to meet parents

And good on the ones with the cup of tea- if I didn't think I'd end up chucking it over myself or a passing child while I juggled everything I'd do it myself!

Hypothetical:
Do the great friends/'queen bees' on this thread allow their 'pupa' to be strong and consistent friends with a 'lampost's' wee 'bulb' ?
Has that happened?
I'm genuinely interested to know. Would be heartening, actually!

Ooh and just saw that update. Yeah, what a cow that 'top dog' sounds, setting up WhatsApp groups for the year, helping with the PTA... Not like you, standing there in silence, not contributing to school life or fundraising, and judging her

You say she only says hi to the 5-10 mums she knows. What do you expect her to do, run a receiving line like at a wedding? Have you said hi to her?

I'm very uninvolved with the school as I lack time to do more than donate where I can, but I am incredibly grateful for the top dog crew and how much they keep going.

If you want to socialise, you need to be sociable. Start conversations, invite people to meet you for play dates etc. Once the coffee shops open, ask someone you click with in the queue if they’d like to have a Costa with the kids after school on a Friday etc.

It’s really tricky to interact wearing a mask. I only do 1 or 2 school gates drop off or pick up a week. I always speak to the same 5 mums (3 I know well from DC’s old nursery. 1 lives next door and the other is the mum of DC’s new BFF). I don’t have time or the inclination to socialise more widely. However, I’d most likely respond positively if someone asked us if we’d like to meet to play or have a coffee.

So I think you need to put yourself out there and not thinking of yourself as a lamppost. A lamppost isn’t interesting, it won’t engage people to approach you, so take the first step.

If someone says no, sorry, busy, you’ve lost nothing, as you can go to the park or coffee shop with your DC anyway. Hope you make a connection, definitely engage the quieter parents, as they’re probably feeling the same way 😊

How do you know I haven’t contributed to school life ? Why assume ? No I haven’t set up wattsapp groups but I fundraise for the school three times since September 😃😃😃

@Mary46

I met lots through PA good way to meet parents

I met parents through their children, if our children became friends they would come round to pick them up or vice versa. I did become friendly with a couple, still am, but I didn't like the crowd of parents (usually mothers), outside the school at pick up time.

It was much easier when I went to work and grandparents picked them up. Phew!

I really hate masks for this sort of thing. Such a barrier to meeting people. My third child is in primary one and I don’t know any other parents other than one I knew before.

Whereas I know plenty in the my other children’s years - from just making small talk really. So when masks go, I do think it will improve

When not masked up, I talk to the lamppost parents. I smile and make idle chat. Sometimes they lamppost you buy usually they will chat and you get to know them that way. Then you say hello at the park and it goes from there.

Be brave! The worst that happens is they lamppost you and you shrug and move on

Oh I know the type op.

I am sure at the top of her voice she did announce to absolutely everyone that a 'select few' are indeed meeting in the park, just to remove all doubt that she is the one in charge, she is the one with 'friends' and the chosen few would be inwardly smiling at their new found status, everyone else shuffles slightly awkwardly from foot to foot wondering just how inclusive the year is actually going to be, if already after two weeks this kind of thing is happening.

You need to avoid her at all costs. Literally mark her card.

Of course she is not fundraising, yet, she has only been there for five minutes, but make no mistake she soon will be, if that will buy her into conversations with teachers about moving her kid to a higher set/a better team. This all about her ambitions, not the coffers of the school, and the only thing she adds to school life is toxic division.

Oh and don't go to the park, they are most likely to ignore you there too. Better to arrange to go with another parent or at another time.