SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

[Glitterzzz]

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts

Why not say hello to them?

I think you’ll just need to make the first move. Personally I’d start with talking with one of the ‘lamp posts’ as for all you know they could be dying to start chatting with someone too.
Once you’ve done it a few times people get you are friendly and before long you don’t have to try as they will talk to you first.
Let us know how you get on OP as I hate just standing in a queue too not speaking!

@apooagnuandyou

If you can't chat with someone without being accused of being in a "clique", it's rather ridiculous.

I agree. I always wonder what us 'queen bees' (aka friendly people who've made friends chatting to other friendly people) are supposed to do? Constantly scan the playground checking for someone who's not speaking and somehow mind read that they want to be?

It's not rude for people who know each other to chat. When my daughter started school there was about 3 of us who knew each other who would chat. There's a couple of others I now know as they're parents of friends.

I do smile and say hello to those I recognise but when there are 29 other children in a class it's not likely that you're going to be friends with every parent.

@StopCryingYourHeartOut

Do you know which Park they go to? I would just turn up occasionally so your child can play with them too.

You never know, you might get chatting to those mums there.

This is what I did. I moved area and just started stopping if people were in park and got chatting. They are now my best friends!

Or maybe ignore the parent we just met when taking our kid to swimming class/ football... in case we offend someone?

I am quite happy listening to my music whilst queuing, I quite like the lockdown rules but avoiding people and being rude about it because it's fashionable to be a lamppost sounds rather childish.

Thanks for your input . Perhaps the masks isn’t helping ? I think I will attempt to approach a fellow lamppost but depends where I end up standing as we have to line up .

Oh I do get it. It did bother me a bit but I did not give it much thought, however, slowly other people (other than those who ignored) started chatting and I was ok making them school run friends.

The ignoring one ignore a lot of them and only support themselves but no one cares.
Theres a teacher thou that intrigues me, I have alwys treated her well, given presents to acknowledge her although she dosnt spend exclusive time with my child ( she takes care of a sen child in the class); yet she has a poker face to me. Absolutely nothing. Not sure if she does it with all.
Just today I wished her and it went into her dead eyes ( with mask so only eyes seen) and nothing came out. Well, I dont want to think deep on why as I have (good little crowd) people who do give a smile or a wish back. I dont see her emotionless response as my problem.

Dont think so much... you will have few others who you will enjoy chatting for that 10-15min meetings.

It may be that they know each other from before as pp has said.
Are the school asking for volunteers yet? For reading/ running the library/ helping with Displays? That's the way to get to meet people.

I've never spoken a single word to anyone on the school run & my kid is nearly 8.

I always see the mums chatting & think they must have nothing better to do than talking about the weather etc.

No wonder you never see the dads dropping the same kids off lol.

I knew before clicking that your child had just started reception. It does get easier, OP. The other mums aren’t necessarily being cliquey - they just know (or are even related to) each other. Your DD will make friends soon and you and the other parents will socialise that way

I'm really don't get these accusations of "school cliques". Maybe some of them are friends and why should they have to include 30 other women into their friendship group just because they happen to have a child in the same class? Why do people even think that making friends is a must - drop your kid off, pick them up, why is anything else required?

My best friend's DD is in the year below my DD and we stand gassing all the time. She's in my bubble and I see her outside of school loads. I don't give a crap if that looks cliquey, and I would find it weird if anyone had a problem with it

Op it is incredibly rude to talk over anyone's head, really rude! So I am assuming you would not like to have them as friends anyway, I certainly wouldn't. No manners at all. It is normal to include others if you are initiating a conversation and others are stood with you.

I would play with your phone if you are surrounded by the rude mothers, and send a few messages, order your food shopping and just be polite, a quick hi and goodbye if appropriate. If standing with the lampposts make an effort to get to know them one by one. The situation is amplified by masks and you can't see people's expressions properly.

I would take your time forming friendships. Ultimately it is your child's social life and education, not yours. Keep some great friends outside of school, so you can avoid the cliques that usually fall out and gossip. Avoid at all costs.

You haven't spoken to anyone so why should they speak to you?

Making nice eyes at them over your mask isn't going to do it. If you want to talk to these other parents then talk to them.

Or just make friends outwith school parents.

You don’t have to wear mask at my kids school, do you have to actually wear them?

Anyway I’m a “lamppost” mum, I never speak to any of the other parents and equally they ignore me, it is what it is I can’t be annoyed that people have not spoken to me when I don’t speak to them, but I’m not the type to approach strangers and speak to them. Mine never get invited to parties either as my kids said the mums only invite the kids of mums they are friends with 🤷‍♀️ Has it not occurred to you that the mums have made friends because their children are friends? Maybe your child isn’t friends with those kids as I find that’s how the mums seem to make friends because their kids play together.

I had lots of friends at the school gate, and always included anyone that was stood with us, friend or not. I would not dream of having someone stood between a friend and I and just ignoring them

If there's 7- 10 others who are like you, try talking to them. Maybe everyone is shy and waiting for others to talk to them like you. Start from your side.
And also if you hear someone going to the park, maybe you can turn up too? Maybe that's how they made friends with each other.

It is normal to include others if you are initiating a conversation and others are stood with you.

Haha really? So if you’re at the bus stop it’s normal to include strangers in your conversation with your friend? Or in the supermarket queue? Why is it expected to include strangers in your conversation at the school gate? 🤦‍♀️ The op isn’t “with” them. She’s just a stranger collecting her child at the same time.

You would be best trying to chat to one of the others that is on their own. Start a conversation by asking something class related, was there any homework last week, or is your child enjoying the school lunches, anything really. You will get a feel for who's friendly and who's not.

happy op is not a stranger. She is a fellow parent in the same year as their children, quite likely to be part of their lives for years and years to come, as a bare minimum they should be saying hello and introducing themselves. Not talking over her head. Clearly you have a lot to learn when it comes to manners as well happy!

All parents get to know each other eventually, and I would have an extremely low opinion of someone that felt it was okay to speak over my head and make me feel so uncomfortable. It just would not happen here! So I feel for op. Good manners cost absolutely nothing.

Honestly
Don’t bother with the school run mums .
It’s so much better being in your own company .
I had the same happen to me
After a few months of moving to new area no one spoke to me at all . One mum come up to me one day and said I see you have been on your own and wanted to say hello we then became really good friends but she was pretty much the head of the clique group .
I kid you not I actually had to wait in line behind other mums to actually speak to her as she was so popular.
but she then decided I wasn’t worth talking to anymore as someone better come along
She ghosted me for no reason and all the group stopped talking to me too and pretty much made me feel like I was invisible . Made the school runs extremely uncomfortable for me and gave me terrible anxiety about seeing her each day I absolutely hated it .
Been a year since this happened but hold my head high and mind my own business and speak to no one it’s so much better . no drama
If you haven’t seen the program MOTHERLAND watch it . That’s exactly what it was like .

@Happycat1212

It is normal to include others if you are initiating a conversation and others are stood with you.

Haha really? So if you’re at the bus stop it’s normal to include strangers in your conversation with your friend? Or in the supermarket queue? Why is it expected to include strangers in your conversation at the school gate? 🤦‍♀️ The op isn’t “with” them. She’s just a stranger collecting her child at the same time.

Agreed. So ridiculous that women (and it is women, not men) re expected to be social butterflies simply because they're collecting a child from school. People probably have nothing in common with 95% of the school mums anyway, except their children are in the same class, this whining about being excluded is pathetic

What's happened is that either some of the mums have got to know each other, or they knew each other before, so they chat to each other and everyone else feels left out. The school playground is not a social club - there is no particular onus on them to say hello to strangers and make people feel involved. If you'd been trying to be friendly and they'd ignored you, it would be different, but it sounds like you just stand there.

I'd suggest

• saying hello or talking to someone every day. Most people will at least say "hello" back or offer an opinion about the weather or Covid or what the children are doing at school. The next day you'll know them a little bit better
• if people talk past you in the queue, it's not a private conversation. Unless you really can't (they are talking about someone you don't know, for example) just join in
• if going to the park after school is a normal thing to do, then take your child to the park. It's not an organised activity that you need an invitation for. your child will play with your friends and you'll naturally get into chit chat with their parents. You can at least say "oh Sophie and Jane look like they are having fun" or some such.

However, I will add that these people are not necessarily your friends. But being able to pass the time of day for 5 minutes and have someone who can pick your child up occasionally is a connection worth making. Once restrictions lift, parties and playdates will start back up and it'll be much easier to talk to parents.

@countryatheart

happy op is not a stranger. She is a fellow parent in the same year as their children, quite likely to be part of their lives for years and years to come, as a bare minimum they should be saying hello and introducing themselves. Not talking over her head. Clearly you have a lot to learn when it comes to manners as well happy!

All parents get to know each other eventually, and I would have an extremely low opinion of someone that felt it was okay to speak over my head and make me feel so uncomfortable. It just would not happen here! So I feel for op. Good manners cost absolutely nothing.

Surely though, OP could have starting talking to people as well? She has just as much responsibility here.

It is normal to include others if you are initiating a conversation and others are stood with you.

Not it isn't. Not if the conversation you are having is with friends. In fact it could be quite difficult as no-one else would know what they were going on about.