SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

[Glitterzzz]

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

I've had a child at primary for the past 11 years, and another 6 to go (big age gap between first and last). I've never had a school mum friend, it's not something that's ever appealed to me because I'm quite antisocial. However, I've often had one of my children come home with a note from a friend's mum suggesting a play date and giving their contact details. Maybe this is something you could try as a way of breaking the ice and getting to know people

When you smile crinkle you eyes up dramatically this is what my daughter taught me . she works in a shop this makes people aware your smiling it exaggerates it . ( with a mask) take your child to the park they don’t own it .

But your standing there like a lamppost instead of going over and speaking to the other 10 folk standing on their own too. Someone has to make the move and maybe they arw all shy.

But what's more likely is the parents all chatty and talking together probably already know each other. Most maybe know each other from school, their neighbourhood... Cause it's their 4th kid and they've got used to seeing the same parents over the last decade. You could just take your kid to the park... Some parents will end up chatting to you. Most parents I've spoke to, approached me while I was in the park and my kid was playing with their kid.

It's not about being cliquey, I've had children in that school for a long time! It's not my job to jazz-hands about making sure the parents are all happy. I turn up, chat to people I know and go home! If someone strikes up a conversation that's great too. It's a 10 minute daily job.
Weird to think people talking to their friends is cliquey. How do you think we became friends? Fucking osmosis?

*I honestly do not understand how people manage in life, I really don't.

When you wait to pay at the supermarket, or you are waiting for your train, do you really feel that awkward because you are a "lamp post" and other fellow commuters know each other and have a chat without including you?
The commuters you will see every single morning for years? As you all always sit in the same seat, same carriage grin

What's so uncomfortable or awkward about waiting in line to pick up your kids? confused*

I honestly do not understand how people can be so lacking in imagination that they can't understand other people's experiences may be different to their own.

I am a confident, outgoing person. I don't need to make new friends, but I'm worried about my very socially anxious young child and though a play date or 2 might help. I have been very friendly, smiley, chatty etc. but it's still pretty awkward and I've come to dread it!

Its pot luck with schools. In my son's school there was a mum who organised us all onto a big night out (yes everyone in the class) early on and then a crowd of us got friendly.
In my daughter's school (she is the youngest) people would nod politely but stuck to their clicky groups that they had been in since childhood. I gradually worked out who did not come from the area like myself and then started standing by one or two and initiating a conversation. I eventually had my own little group. Took a bit of effort lol!

You call these women rude for not inviting you to thr park or talking to you. Yet you’re not inviting anyone to the park or talking to them. When they are talking about the park they aren’t organising a class outing, they aren’t there to invite every mum and have a mass do, it’s not a charity or school event.

We are allowed to have groups of friends, and to meet with those groups of friends, be it in a pub, a restaurant, a park or a school playground. We do not need to go round every single person there and ask them to join us,

Next time they are talking over you, join in. Make a jokey comment. It takes so little to be included. You don’t need to stand there silently. Thinking it’s their job to include you and not yours to do anything. It takes nothing to say ooh the park can I join, I was thinking of going anyway, they will one hundred percent say yes,

The issue here is not these women. Or their behaviour, it is the fact you cannot interact and feel it’s their job not yours. It’s not. It’s your job. So be brave and give it a try.

Your waiting for an invite to a park. Surely if it's a local.aprk you can just take.your kids. Our school have a group of mums who.do the same I didn't expect an invite I just took my.son one night and got chatting. If you aren't making the effort to talk to them why should they make the effort to talk to you. Forgive me.if I'm getting the wrong idea but it seems as if you expect them to take first step. Whereas you are just as capable and honestly maybe they think you don't want to talk and are happy keeping yourself to yourself. I know.i.wouldnt go and approach someone stood on their own outside a school if they weren't already chatting to someone I'd probably assume they don't want to. Don't get me wrong is probably say hi but that's it. If you want to make friends make an effort yourself. Say hi, take your child to the park you don't we'd an invite your not going to a kids party.

Some parents are really cliquey. They’ve probably known each other from toddler groups etc before you even showed up and their children play with each other.
This sounds like friendship, not cliqueyness.

This happens all the time in my school and my second DS is now in year 5, so I've had 7 years and still one more to go!
Its caused by self centred behaviour and in my experience, are the group that ends up in amongst other things, blazing rows, sleeping with each others husbands, and passive aggressive friendships.
I agree with striking up conversation with the other lamp posts, and taking your little one to the park anyway. Only for the sake of my little ones social circle would I persevere small talk with those insensitive parents, but in no way would I try to become one of their crowd.

I am a confident, outgoing person. I don't need to make new friends, but I'm worried about my very socially anxious young child and though a play date or 2 might help. I have been very friendly, smiley, chatty etc. but it's still pretty awkward and I've come to dread it!

how can it possibly be so awkward to arrange a few meet-up for your kids

Reminds me of the "men" who are very senior (and very able) and manage everything they touch BUT the house chores or boring life details because these are suddenly impossible....

So much drama...

Between other parents, clubs, hobbies (just reopening now thank god), so many opportunities to help out your child without making a big deal because you are standing up in a line at pick up!

Just open your mouth and speak

are the group that ends up in amongst other things, blazing rows, sleeping with each others husbands, and passive aggressive friendships.

I have never known this is real life from anyone I know with children in school. It may happen in some places but I cannot believe it's as common as is spouted on here with all the queen bee bollocks. I wonder if people read about it on Mumsnet, never speak to anyone at the school gate and make up these scenarios about the parents who know each other and chat to make themselves feel better for not talking to anyone?

My parents moved house frequently during my school years, so I was always the new girl. It messed up my education but gave me great skills at making friendships or muscling into others friendship groups. So. I suggest that if you overhear plans to meet in the park with children that you 'happen' to be there at that time and join the group. If they are worth knowing, they will welcome you. If they are a horrible clique you will soon find out! Also, go and talk to one of the lampposts and ask them back for coffee. If they say 'yes' that's brilliant. If they don't say yes and have no real excuse, move on to lamppost no.2. And thirdly - be the one who deliberately talks to new people. You know how lonely you can feel. Make sure you don't put anyone else in that position.

Watch bad mothers op

I think people expect to be spoken to - but someone has to speak first. Just say hello to the the lamposts! Smiling under your mask to get attention is not enough.

@beachsidecafe

Watch bad mothers op

You will feel blessed that you are a lamp post after watching that, trust me

Who else thinks lamp posts might actually catch on! It is a brilliant description.

@apooagnuandyou such a shame you totally missed the point @stilltiredinthemorning made about not being able to comprehend that other people's experiences, outlook and confidence may differ from your own it's nothing like the random example you provided but thanks for that helpful insight!

Its caused by self centred behaviour and in my experience, are the group that ends up in amongst other things, blazing rows, sleeping with each others husbands, and passive aggressive friendships.

😂😂😂

Where do YOU live!

My schools seem terribly boring and quiet compared to some posters'!

Joke aside, sounds like there are 3 kind of parents:
the ones who are too important to bother with other school parents, far too below their highness

the ones accusing everybody a bit social to be part of a clique

most of us, who just juggle work and kids, and speak normally with people. Some parents are actually related (shock horror 2 sisters could actually TALK to each other), some people know each other, some are work colleagues or neighbours!

When you go to Tesco, if you see someone you know you wave or chat. You don't include every shopper that happens to be in that aisle. Just imagine you are in the supermarket or the bus stop..

I would love to know someone accused me of being in a clique because I was in deep conversation with mums, who happened to be my neighbours and discussing a drain problems around our houses .
If you feel you missed out on THAT...

keeptheaspidistra

what YOU are completely missing is that it's "awkward" and time-consuming for every parent. Some just chose not to make a big deal out of it.
Do you make a big deal of your weekly food shop too? HTH.

I have zero urge to chat when on the school run and the mams that do bother me (they are alway in the most inconveniant places, blocking patchs/gates etc...)

Also the park thing might be the rule of six... also parents here invite there KIDS friend not their friends (Ive gone on a couple of really awkward park dates because my DS was invited, nothing to do with me and the other mothers)

But if you really want to attract attention then have a baby lol... pretty much the only time other mams randomly approached me on the playground to 'strike up a convosation' in the last 6 years was really to get a look and coo over my newborn.

I don’t think they’re talking over your head to be rude. They are just socially inadequate. Say ‘hi, I’m School Run, ds’s mum. DS would love to join at the park. What time do you go? ‘

This is an age old problem, there's always the clique of mums that seem to dominate the area, and just rude if you try to join in.

If they were talking over me, I would just have said "ladies, do you want to swap places rather than talking through me"

As for being part of their group... the trick is not to bother with them. Find someone you see every day and just start chatting with them. After a few days you'll find a group starts to form on its own, and you'll be part of it.
Post a message on the whatsapp if anyone wants to go the park. Dont wait to be invited... be the one inviting.