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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

366 replies

Glitterzzz · 28/04/2021 16:38

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

OP posts:
Thatisnotwhatisaid · 29/04/2021 10:54

We were new to the area almost 3 years ago and I still don’t talk to anyone. It’s a small place so lots of the parents went to school together and probably grew up together I’m guessing or they’ve at least known each other since their children started school whereas my youngest was year 2 when they started at the school. I have tried to say hello and smile at a few parents, some just act like I don’t exist and some will say it back but that’s it. I’m quite shy anyway so struggle to strike up random conversation but yeah, it’s pretty crap. Small talk is discouraged right now anyway, you’re supposed to turn up on time rather than early and be in and out as quickly as possible.

Wabe · 29/04/2021 11:31

It's normal, alpha mums form their own cliques, they are the ones on the front row at school events, their children usually get the best parts in school plays, they are a closed shop.

I genuinely don't recognise this, and DS has been at three schools in two countries. The parents who got there earliest (never me!) got the front seats, the children who spoke clearly, could be depended on to show up on the night, and weren't incapacitated with stage fright, got the biggest parts (not DS!) -- and one person's 'alpha mum' is another's random passerby.

At DS's last school, I remember some woman being described as an 'alpha mum' by two women I knew from preschool days with whom I was having coffee. As I was new to the village, I asked who they were talking about, because they seemed very exercised about it, and I realised that the terrifyingly powerful 'alpha' queen of the PTA and school gates they were talking about was a perfectly ordinary, pleasant enough woman I'd had some contact with outside of school on an unrelated matter. She was possibly a little managerial in her manner for some, and no, she wasn't someone hoveringly shyly in the playground, but the only social power she had was in other people's perceptions, as far as I could see.

ThrowawayBerna · 29/04/2021 12:39

What stumps me, is that if this was a workplace, where 30+ people worked on the same floor for 8 years, it would be the bare end of polite to eventually get around to greeting everybody casually in passing. Being looked-through-as-if-invisible would be acknowledged as rude, because it is, if they're in your year. A 'Hi' back, a smile, and move along, even!

I asked earlier, with a lame joke, if the 'just a great friendship group' accommodate friendships outside school with the children of parents not in that friendship group. No replies, as yet.

For my situation, there's an element of school alumni (which includes teachers at the school ) who centre their own adult friendships before the childrens' inclinations. That's lousy.

' It's normal, alpha mums form their own cliques, they are the ones on the front row at school events, their children usually get the best parts in school plays, they are a closed shop. '

I do recognise this, it's well-acknowledged and I'm not in the UK.

apooagnuandyou · 29/04/2021 12:50

I honestly do not understand how people manage in life, I really don't.

When you wait to pay at the supermarket, or you are waiting for your train, do you really feel that awkward because you are a "lamp post" and other fellow commuters know each other and have a chat without including you?
The commuters you will see every single morning for years? As you all always sit in the same seat, same carriage Grin

What's so uncomfortable or awkward about waiting in line to pick up your kids? Confused
You feel like talking, just say "hi" to someone you recognise from the class. You hear someone going to the park, just introduce yourself and say that your little darling would love to join the others.

How hard can it be? How much drama is really necessary?

I have never been in a school where parents were in charge of anything thankfully, marks and roles are given by teachers, not the winner of the PTA bake sale.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 29/04/2021 12:51

Talk to other “lamp posts”?

Maggiesfarm · 29/04/2021 12:53

I don't know why you are so bothered, op. I doubt the conversations are particularly interesting. It's best to get there at the last minute so you don't have to congregate and force talk. Not joining in the 'pavement pow wows' won't inhibit your child from making friends.

Happycat1212 · 29/04/2021 13:00

Well in a work place you will be there all day, unlike the school run where it’s what 10 minutes twice a day, as someone else said why is it only expect at the school gate? To make friends with everyone? Why not at the supermarket/bus stop / train station etc? Likely you will see all the same people commuting daily as well but no one seems to think that means you should become friends! Mums mainly become friends at the school gate because their children become friends. Not just with random mums, there’s 2 mums I say hello to and that’s it, we haven’t struck up a friend ship because our kids aren’t friends. So harder to invite for play dates etc (pre covid 🙄) because I have a son and they both have girls and they aren’t friends with each other.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 29/04/2021 13:05

Be ruthlessly friendly and talk to everyone, queen bees and lamp post alike. No one will have the nerve to be rude to you and if you do get a snub ignore it and make out you did not see it. They will give in eventually, just beat them down with relentless cheer.

apooagnuandyou · 29/04/2021 13:18

Or just pretend you are at the bus stop

and chill.

ThrowawayBerna · 29/04/2021 13:19

Don't get me wrong. I'm not at the school to make friends for myself, started off sociable, am a can-do alpha-type myself, but am just observing the weird dynamics and hierarchies.

I have nothing against old friends or alumni but think they shouldn't limit or gatekeep, for their childrens' sake.

The children are learning together all day. They are not commuters in passing Hmm, and school is supposed to be about them...

Happycat1212 · 29/04/2021 13:20

And your child may not be friends with their child 🤷‍♀️

cutebutscary · 29/04/2021 13:24

Don't worry, in a few years when the cliques are slagging each other off and squabbling over their children falling out you will realise that you've dodged a bullet ! I was very happy on the outside of the cliques for this exact reason when it all flared up . Honestly don't worry

Cocolemon · 29/04/2021 13:29

I think it can be luck what sort of class/ parents you are with. Covid restrictions and masks have not helped. You can't invite more than 6 to the park legally atm so I think you yabu in expecting a general invite.

My child is in year 1. We had 6months of normality before covid struck. Chatting to people, parties, inviting to playdates. Friendshipswere made within this time. It's been much harder since. Sometimes I don't recognise people wearing masks and it's so much harder to be friendly/ warm with masks/distancing.

I put an invite on the school WhatsApp if anyone wanted to meet up in the park. One person replied and came. Someone who is lovely and I would now call a friend.

UserTwice · 29/04/2021 13:33

Actually my experience of workplaces is that most people don't talk to others outside of their immediate team or those who they work closely with. It was a good 2 years after I joined a new team that any of the existing team spoke to me about anything non-work related. I've also had many conversations where I've had to point out to team members that the person they've never hear of who's just sent them an email actually sits in the next row of desks up.

[Disclaimer - I work in IT. Maybe other industries are more friendly]

SatsumasOrClementines · 29/04/2021 13:35

Are you in the WhatsApp?
If yes) write a message saying you were planning to go to the park after school tomorrow and would anyone else like to come.
If no) approach someone who is and ask if there’s a class WhatsApp and then say “great, let me give you my number!”

SatsumasOrClementines · 29/04/2021 13:35

we have ones that bring their cup of tea to the school pick up line ... not a travel cup... the cup from the house 😂
I would 100% choose this parent to befriend!

MsTSwift · 29/04/2021 13:43

Is this an English thing? The awkwardness the shyness the wanting to be included yet taking no steps whatsoever yourself to be included. The silent fuming and hatred towards the friendly group yet wanting to be in it. It’s mental!

Getskinnyordietrying · 29/04/2021 17:24

Do not approach - the “gossip mums” are worse than the kids!!! I’d be taking a huge sigh of relief. Let your LO play with who they choose whilst in school and if you need a friend don’t be looking at them, look for someone similar to you.... it would be a much better friendship.... maybe even genuine

Courgetteandbeans · 29/04/2021 17:30

Sounds perfect, I am really not interested in
these playground pick up cliques, you are better off out of it in my opinion Smile

jwpetal · 29/04/2021 17:31

This is not unusual. My last are in year 6 and it is so great to not have to deal with the school run. There are parents, who do not include and will plan around you. They will be nice to you one day and the next day they will ignore you. I now have a small group of mums that I am contact with. My DS is friends with some girls, who parents have known each other before children. They leave me out all the time. That is their loss. It is difficult in the beginning, but you will find your group.

Maggiesfarm · 29/04/2021 17:34

@MsTSwift

Is this an English thing? The awkwardness the shyness the wanting to be included yet taking no steps whatsoever yourself to be included. The silent fuming and hatred towards the friendly group yet wanting to be in it. It’s mental!
No! There are plenty of parents who couldn't care less.

I approve of this poster and totally agree with what she posted:
Getskinnyordietrying Thu
Do not approach - the “gossip mums” are worse than the kids!!! I’d be taking a huge sigh of relief. Let your LO play with who they choose whilst in school and if you need a friend don’t be looking at them, look for someone similar to you.... it would be a much better friendship.... maybe even genuine.
.......
I made friends at work and had friends from before kids.

Nohomemadecandles · 29/04/2021 17:36

Hmm... I tend to talk to people I know now. Having an older child in the school meant I probably didn't "make an effort" with the parents of the younger kids year. But over parties etc I've become friendly, if not friends with them.
We are friends with parents in older child's year. We've been on holiday and see a few regularly.
Whilst I'd smile and say hello to you, I'm going to stand with my friends really. We made friends by making an effort with each other in reception, not by waiting to be spoken to.
In the WhatsApp, you need to pipe up if they are arranging something. If it was secret, they wouldn't do it in the group.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 17:36

I don’t think it’s necessarily about finding a new best friend though, it’s more about being neighbourly to people you see every day and making it a pleasant environment for yourself. And the added bonus of having people to call on if you’re running late or have lost a consent form or whatever.

Alis25 · 29/04/2021 17:39

Some parents are really cliquey. They’ve probably known each other from toddler groups etc before you even showed up and their children play with each other. Ignore them - not worth the effort. You’ll never break in. I don’t understand why you haven’t talked to the other lampposts? Sounds as if there’s a new group waiting to happen there.

NerrSnerr · 29/04/2021 17:44

@Alis25

Some parents are really cliquey. They’ve probably known each other from toddler groups etc before you even showed up and their children play with each other. Ignore them - not worth the effort. You’ll never break in. I don’t understand why you haven’t talked to the other lampposts? Sounds as if there’s a new group waiting to happen there.
Is it cliquey talking to your established friends? Why do they need to make friends with everyone else?
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