SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

[Glitterzzz]

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

So nobody should talk to people they already know in those fleeting few minutes every day in case someone else is triggered?
If you know you're triggered by playgrounds, you need to find a way to process that that doesn't involve accusing folk of heinous crimes by just being there! It's no more their fault than it is yours. What can they actually do about it in reality?

I could have written this’ one of the moms even went to school with my partner and our daughters are very friendly and she pointedly ignores me.
There is another mom who’s son is in the same class and she lives opposite us and ignores my attempt at a smile let alone a ‘hello’.
I’m not the best socially but these people put me off even more!!!

@Anastar23

I could have written this’ one of the moms even went to school with my partner and our daughters are very friendly and she pointedly ignores me. There is another mom who’s son is in the same class and she lives opposite us and ignores my attempt at a smile let alone a ‘hello’. I’m not the best socially but these people put me off even more!!!

But they don't ignore you because they are "school mums" they ignore because they are rude! They'll be rude everywhere. We are all school mums. We can't ALL become monsters on a playground! You just found 2 arses out of loads of lovely people! Don't give up!

@Blueberrybonus

I always go late so I don’t have to talk to anyone. It’s really dull. Can’t wait for my kid’s to leave primary!

Well said.

I don't get the need to make friends with other mothers outside school. People at work are far more interesting.

This sounds like my idea of heaven. I'm so over the school playground small talk I find it painful. I have enough friends of my own and would be grateful no one was trying to talk to me. You are coming across a little judgemental to be honest but maybe I am reading it wrong. Why are you waiting/expecting for people to talk to you? If you want to get involved...get involved! I don't really get it?

I don't get the need to make friends with other mothers outside school. People at work are far more interesting.

This makes no sense to me. I have colleagues who are of course friends but also some of the people I have met through having children are also friends. What if someone from work was also a 'mother outside school' would that make them dull or interesting?

It's just people. Some people are folk you get on with, some are not. If there are 30 children in your child's class it's likely there'd be at least one person who you'd get on with if you wanted someone to chat to?

My daughter is in year 2. I have probably 4 or 5 people I know pretty well. A couple of them were friends from toddler groups. Most others I'll say hello or pass the time of day with. There's a couple of parents on the school run that I think are annoying so I wouldn't gravitate towards them- doesn't make them a clique though- they're just different and that's fine too.

It’s a long time since I stood at the school gates but it was a pretty lonely place for me. My friends in other places said the same. I was polite, tried to join in and was nice to all the kids but mostly nothing but the odd chat. I remember once walking towards the school and a mum I didn’t know nudged her grind and said oh here she comes. I was dressed for fashion college at the time so was making an effort. I realised at that point it want my issues that were the problem it was theirs.

A) Talk to the other ignored mums
B) In my experience of 4 kids - school gate relationships are best avoided.

I would just start talking to someone, anyone, then you will get the measure of some people. It doesn't really matter what you say, just think of something, whether it's trite or interesting..

I sometimes walk past the school gates here in my village, and there is usually a lot of inane babble from some Mothers here,all talking over each other, all comparing their children to others. but there are a few nice sensible Mums, who don't join in with all the babble. and find a nice quiet person to chat to.

Definitely take your child to the park. It will benefit them.

If any of their friends are there, they might play with them. That may give you an excuse to talk to their parents. It will also give you an idea of how your child relates to other children.

I think face masks and lining up is making things harder than usual, But there must be some topic of conversation (next years teacher, school visits, what is for lunch today, lost property etc .......), A few people will be friendly. (Tho sadly not everyone). PTA is a good way to meet parents and get a name for yourself. Meetings can be very chatty and friendly

It's one of those irregular verbs isn't it...

I have a group of friends
You are in a clique
He/ she/ it is a bullying queen bee type

(@LostFrog that really sucks. Normally I feel you just have to persist in being friendly but not try too hard and be fairly relaxed about occasional rejection, but it sounds like you did everything right, that's upsetting.)

At ds primary school most of the mum's were that far up each other's bums it was almost funny. Almost all of the excluded mum's children were excluded from alpha mum's children's birthday parties, every school pick up & drop off was like a fashion show with them all trying to outdo each other with designer labels. I got to the stage I only went in the school yard at the last minute & always had my headphones on. It was the happiest day of my life the day ds left primary school, thankfully there is very little parent contact in secondary school.

I wouldn't be bothered about getting in with the group, does your kid have particular friends at school - why not arrange something with them?

I think it’s been hard for the kids as they started in September last year, then October holidays followed by Christmas and then another lockdown so I know my little one is mixing with class friends but hasn’t attached/ mentioned any particular names ...

I went today and thought I’ll try but again we all line up nobody turns around, nobody makes eye contact , maybe it’s better to be a pretty lamppost instead of a rose Bush with thorns ( aka not as nice as it seems ) 😂😂😂

Sometimes in those mum groups they don't even like each other

I don't get the need to make friends with other mothers outside school. People at work are far more interesting.

So none of the ‘people at work’ are parents?

I’m a school mum. I’m also someone at work. I’m a person at the gym. And I’m even occasionally someone in a bar.

But of all the ‘someones I am’, my most unforgivable, dull and to-be-avoided persona is apparently ‘school mum’.

Loving the “too cool for school” crowd who are above making new friends as they have work colleagues 😁.

Anyway as a solicitor I can assure you the school mums are far more interesting than work colleagues!

@Glitterzzz

I think it’s been hard for the kids as they started in September last year, then October holidays followed by Christmas and then another lockdown so I know my little one is mixing with class friends but hasn’t attached/ mentioned any particular names ...

I went today and thought I’ll try but again we all line up nobody turns around, nobody makes eye contact , maybe it’s better to be a pretty lamppost instead of a rose Bush with thorns ( aka not as nice as it seems ) 😂😂😂

Did you make eye contact and/or turn around?

@Glitterzzz

I think it’s been hard for the kids as they started in September last year, then October holidays followed by Christmas and then another lockdown so I know my little one is mixing with class friends but hasn’t attached/ mentioned any particular names ...

I went today and thought I’ll try but again we all line up nobody turns around, nobody makes eye contact , maybe it’s better to be a pretty lamppost instead of a rose Bush with thorns ( aka not as nice as it seems ) 😂😂😂

Wow. Why would you think women you don’t know are not as nice as they seem? Because they don’t invite you to join them and your envy got the better of you? That was a really bitchy statement. And it might be the reason people don’t want to be your friend.

maybe it’s better to be a pretty lamppost instead of a rose Bush with thorns ( aka not as nice as it seems ) 😂😂😂

It appears to me that the bitchiest of comments on this thread are from those who don't talk to people and their perceived views of those with friends at the school gate (this is just one of many). I'm not talking about the examples of obvious rudeness like blanking someone who smiles or talks to you but if are these people so bad if their worst crime is to invite people they know to the park?

You actually come across like the bitchiest of the lot OP. Amazed you think it’s appropriate to judge the other parents with the way you carry on.

These threads always, always go the same way, with the chippy posts shining through, providing some quite clear insights into why some people seem to struggle in this scenario more than others.

I’ve made some really good friends with women I’ve met through school, that (in some cases) have really out-lived the kids’ friendships.

It doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, it can take a while. But I had to be out myself out there as much as I expected others to put themselves out there.

I have way more fun with, for example, my group of Mum friends, than I ever do with, for example, work team parties or Christmas dos. Way more fun. I have way more fun than I do with my old friends than I do with my work colleagues.

OMG - typos.

Essentially - the friends I’ve made through my kids are great craic.

I find those sort of mums love playing exclusion games

Same Saturday- they are a great laugh way livelier than work colleagues 😁. But guess depends on luck as to who you meet where.