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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to used as daycare whilst on maternity?

237 replies

GoldieF · 28/04/2021 15:32

DH has slipped in conversation today that at least planning summer holiday care for DSC won't be as stressful this year. When I asked what he meant apparently he just thought it was fine to assume I'd look after all the children because I'm off on maternity.

AIBU to say ermm no!

I don't mind and have before, helped out when things have been difficult but I know DH, he's a workaholic who will think this means he doesn't have to take a day off at all.

We have DSC with us 50:50 3 days one week 4 the next so it would be quite a lot and to be quite honest, I don't want to spend my summer and maternity playing daycare for half the week.

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 29/04/2021 13:05

Have you spoken to your DH about your objections OP? Or has he just assumed that you'll do it and you haven't yet told him you don't want to?

Morred · 29/04/2021 13:05

You're right stackemhigh - I meant really that OP needs her DH to have a new plan.

But realistically, she might have to suggest it - otherwise he won't do anything and short of moving out for 6 weeks, she'll be stuck with his shit original plan of her doing all the work.

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2021 13:07

@Aliceandthemarchhare

Childcare for a toddler is a bit different to holiday clubs for preteens, though.
It is. The kids around here beg for holiday club! Excursions and activities and trips to the movies...
JustDavesWife · 29/04/2021 13:08

Urgh this brings back memories.

My ds was born when sk's were 11 & 14 and it completely ruined my maternity leave because my dh let them have free rein of the house during the summer holidays (baby was 4 weeks old). They used to come and go as they pleased so didn't need looking after but they would bring a friend or two which meant music on or kicking a ball in the garden. They would make food and not tidy up, it nearly broke me.

If you want to compromise then tell him you will do one day a week but if you don't want to then don't, they aren't your children so you don't need to provide them with childcare. The childcare needs to be sorted between the parents.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 29/04/2021 13:09

All this talk about "special time" on maternity leave presumably comes from first time mothers when the whole world revolves around "baby".

The OP is a first time mum and it's perfectly acceptable for her world to revolve around her baby.

Here's some activities which ime first time mums like to do, which it would be difficult to do with the SC around:

  • Nap whenever baby is sleeping.
  • Lie in on the sofa with your breasts hanging out breastfeeding and watch trash TV for hours on end.
  • Graze on picnic food and sandwiches and not have to provide regular meals and snacks for older children.
  • Meet friends for coffee, drinks and pub lunches.
  • Not have to get up in the morning and get everyone ready to go out after being woken up by baby 4 times during the night.
  • Be able to sit down on a park bench and feed and cuddle the baby properly rather than rushing to activities with older children and a screaming, hungry baby who needs a nappy change.
  • Not talk to anyone. There were times on maternity leave when I had no energy to interact with anyone and just wanted to be left in peace. Having to jolly along two older children would have been dreadful.

Yes, if the OP chose to have another child, she would have to balance the needs of a baby and an older child. But she hasn't made that choice yet. So she gets to focus on her baby's needs and her own needs.

stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 13:12

@Morred

You're right stackemhigh - I meant really that OP needs her DH to have a new plan.

But realistically, she might have to suggest it - otherwise he won't do anything and short of moving out for 6 weeks, she'll be stuck with his shit original plan of her doing all the work.

You're right in that he probably won't do anything, but I feel that she just needs to tell him she will be busy with the baby and he needs to sort childcare. Helping him with a plan is too much like carrying the mental load.
funinthesun19 · 29/04/2021 13:23

All this talk about "special time" on maternity leave presumably comes from first time mothers when the whole world revolves around "baby".

The op’s world does revolve around her baby, and her maternity leave revolves around her baby too. She’s got the same emotions and priorities as any other first time mum.

Gosh, get over it.

funinthesun19 · 29/04/2021 13:26

Yes, if the OP chose to have another child, she would have to balance the needs of a baby and an older child. But she hasn't made that choice yet. So she gets to focus on her baby's needs and her own needs.

And plus, even if she did have another child. The relationship with her older child and the dynamics of that relationship will be so much different to that with stepchildren. And also the fact that she’d have a parental responsibility towards her older one, whereas she doesn’t have any of that towards the stepchildren legally or morally.

NerdyBird · 29/04/2021 13:46

There is absolutely no reason why OP's DH can't take time off as he usually does, apart from the fact he doesn't want to. If he did it before he can do it now. He can ask OP to kindly help out a day here and there.
My baby was 3 weeks old when the summer hols came. My DH carried on with his usual arrangements which was him taking time off, and them having a few days with other family members. I did a couple of days too, but that was all.
Next summer when OP is back at work he'll have to sort it again anyway (at least for younger one).

cerealgamechanger · 29/04/2021 15:07

Sooo, have you discussed this further with your partner? What has he said?

Annasgirl · 29/04/2021 15:14

@Springsnake

Well obviously,if he’s at work ,you have the children When I was on maternity leave for my 4 th child ,I had to look after the other 3. They live at your house half of their life Who did you think was going to look after them ?..
Ha Ha

Their Parent looks after them. hint - he is a man.

Wow, the standard accepted for men on this site is so low - how on earth could a man parent his own children Shock.

Women will never achieve freedom and equality if other women continue to expect us to pander to all the men in our lives forever.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 16:51

@notlovinglockdownlife

#EKGEMS I called her DH selfish. But the OP will never have a good relationship with her dss unless she puts in a great deal of effort and the baby is their half sibling. They are still young, must miss their dad and probably resent her but she is the grown up, they are only children.

Obviously it is her DH who is really the problem but she's the one who married him. In 3 or 4 years time both step kids will be old enough to decide never see their dad if they don't want to (which seems likely).

In OPs position I would feel sad and guilty to think I had not done everything I could to make his kids feel welcome. If they ultimately hate her she has at least tried.

I don't know what your hashtag means, but what makes you assume OP 'will never have a good relationship' with her stepchildren unless she puts in a great deal of effort?

She may already have a very good relationship with them, and all she wants is for things to continue as they previously have over the summer rather than her DH using her as childcare so he doesn't have to take the time off himself.

The purpose of setting up contact arrangements for SCs is so that they get time with both of their parents - not no time with their parent but loads of time with his new wife.

It's bizarre that people are fine with this dad not spending any time with his children during the school holidays.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 16:53

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that OP's relationship with her SCs could even suffer if they get stuck spending their summer holidays sitting around bored while she looks after the baby.

Their dad doesn't seem to care much about them enjoying their time off school, since he can't even be arsed to take time off to spend with them and take them out.

RandomMess · 29/04/2021 16:57

Imagine that a step dad had taken parental leave to look after the new baby and he was expected to look after his step daughters for the summer that are 8 and 14.

Do you think the girls would be thrilled instead of doing fun stuff with their Mum like they usually do every summer like theme parks, cinema, trips out that are not possible with a baby in tow??

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 17:01

I am just so stunned that people are giving OP grief for this.

When my DP has his kids, he WANTS to have them, he wants to spend time with them and take them out doing things they enjoy. He would never even want me to look after them the whole time instead, let alone ask that of me.

Howshouldibehave · 29/04/2021 17:38

I can't treat them as my own can I. If they were my own, perhaps I'd send them to summer camps or ask grandparents to help out but it seems their parents get to decide whether to do that or not and I just have to smile and nod politely

Well, no-I wouldn’t be doing that at all!

What have you actually replied to him? What are you going to do?

If the SC mum and dad managed before you came along, they can manage again.

jimmyjammy001 · 29/04/2021 17:45

Well you are dating someone who has already got children, as a step mum it is expected that you will look after your step children "to help out" this comes part and parcel in every blended family, obviously if you say no and kick up a fuss you will be branded selfish, you can't win, the easiest option is just to stay away from ready made family's and only create your own with some else who hasn't got children, it's alot less hassle than having to deal with someone else's children in a relationship

Queenelsarules · 29/04/2021 20:52

These children are your family, this is what you took on when you married a man who shares 50/50 care, they are the siblings of your baby. Yes your husband should step up and do his share but you cannot expect that you your husband and baby are the real family and step kids an encroachment on your bonding time. You are a blended family, but sounds like you don't really want that .

MunchyCat · 29/04/2021 21:01

Have you told DH your position on this op?

You need to be very clear from the start.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 29/04/2021 21:05

Why does being a 'blended family' mean that OP has to provide unpaid childcare for her husband Confused? Have the OP and her husband 'blended' into one person so that she is merely an extension of him?

I always think an excellent rule of thumb with step parents helping with step kids is this: would you ask a fairly involved aunt to do it? For example, you might ask an aunt to babysit occasionally or help with school pick-ups in an emergency but you certainly wouldn't ask your DSis to babysit regularly for your kids because she was on maternity leave?

lulugee · 29/04/2021 21:12

I agree with other poster he's a cheeky fucker

Howshouldibehave · 29/04/2021 21:29

@Queenelsarules

These children are your family, this is what you took on when you married a man who shares 50/50 care, they are the siblings of your baby. Yes your husband should step up and do his share but you cannot expect that you your husband and baby are the real family and step kids an encroachment on your bonding time. You are a blended family, but sounds like you don't really want that .
So, the mum and dad of these children have managed childcare over the holidays for their children so far all through their lives but now neither of them have to bother, because OP is around now to save either of them the bother!!? Errrr, no.
Original poster
GoldieF · 30/04/2021 19:28

Have spoken to DH and told him that no, I won't be spending my maternity looking after DSC and unfortunately he will need to continue to do what he and ex do during any other school holiday.

He was a bit huffy but okay.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 30/04/2021 19:31

Excellent, OP, well done for sticking up for yourself!

HeckyPeck · 30/04/2021 20:10

Have spoken to DH and told him that no, I won't be spending my maternity looking after DSC and unfortunately he will need to continue to do what he and ex do during any other school holiday

Good for you OP!