To not want to used as daycare whilst on maternity?

[GoldieF]

DH has slipped in conversation today that at least planning summer holiday care for DSC won't be as stressful this year. When I asked what he meant apparently he just thought it was fine to assume I'd look after all the children because I'm off on maternity.

AIBU to say ermm no!

I don't mind and have before, helped out when things have been difficult but I know DH, he's a workaholic who will think this means he doesn't have to take a day off at all.

We have DSC with us 50:50 3 days one week 4 the next so it would be quite a lot and to be quite honest, I don't want to spend my summer and maternity playing daycare for half the week.

Nice one OP!

Good on you OP. I wouldn't do it. Maternity leave with your first is about you and your baby; it's precious.

Hmmm,
I dunno I'm torn,
I'd think that they were mine too, I'd married their father and my child is their sibling and I'd be their third parent, I'd want to spend time with them too and save the money on childcare,

But... I also know how stressful and traumatic having a new baby can be, especially if it's your first.

Can you maybe do 1 day a week with your step kids and the other days in holiday camp or something? Bit of compromise both ways?

DissociativeBitch there's no need OP has sorted it. Her SC's parents will be parenting them.

I’m going to go against the grain and say YABU. This comes as part of the parcel when you are in a serious relationship with a man who has children. At 12 and 8 they should be fairly self sufficient, and actually might be a fantastic help with the baby- I know my 12 year old is actually just as capable with his baby brother as DH is, the only thing he won’t do is change nappies!

Well done, stick to your guns.

Its a hard one and he is being unreasonable because he just expects it of you rather than asks. Its quite possible that the kid's mother wouldn't want them to spend most of their contact time with you and not their actual parent.

That being said I have 11 weeks before I start my maternity leave and I will be looking after my other children, dh probably won't take any leave as he wants to use a big chunk of it for when our baby arrives bit then they are out kids. If you have kids with someone who already has them, then yes you do have to accept some compromises but it doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. The main objective of your stepchildren coming over is to spend time with their dad not you! An 8 and 12 year old don't need constant looking after but they will still need meals, snacks, carting about. Op won't exactly just be able to leave them home if she fancies meeting a friend for coffee or taking her baby to a farm, the older kids might not want to come and kids of that age can be quite vocal about not wanting to do 'baby' stuff.

Yanbu, if you want to offer up a day a week great but it should be your choice.

@BusyLizzie61

You're a family unit, more so because this is absolutely shared care and they're with your family unit 50% of the time.

I cannot really understand how you can justify not being with them tbh! They were part of the package long before your baby. Would you expect that your child when at school has to go off to a club if you were on maternity leave again?

The whole baby group attitudes /excuse is incredibly precious and tbh, they never run during the summer in my experience. And the days that do run, for example, the children centre/surestart ones are then family activities.

I don't think he's presumptuous per se, but yes it could have sweetened the pill if he'd approached it differently. And I would expect to talk about which days he's booking off work as it's not fair either for him not take time off with the family unit.

I completely agree with all of this. You're a whole unit that needs to work together, not separate parts.

Well done Op. Glad you stood up for yourself and it's worked out ok.

Well done OP. Ignore people banging on about being a "whole unit". Your DSC have two parents who are perfectly capable of taking care of them. Yes, you are a "whole unit", but your role in the unit in relation to DSC is that of a friendly relative not a parent. You have neither the rights nor responsibilities of a parent in relation to DSC.

Yay! Go OP!

Well done, OP. The expectation was unreasonable and the assumption was crass.

Of course you have no idea whether your baby will be a placid sleeper or a colicky screamer and you will be post-partum which is a sort of working convalescence on itself. Ridiculous to assume you will be up to managing a newborn and a couple of boisterous children all day single-handed, especially as, for all your DH and his ex know, you might have needed minor or major surgery. (I hope you don't, but nobody can tell.)

No, you've done right, and begin as you mean to go on. Your DH should be taking pat. leave to bond with his new baby and care for you both. He should have the capacity for his older ones, too, not having recently delivered a tiny human from his intimate parts!

Just beware the unforeseen "emergency" cropping up once school holidays start. If you respond, you've lost all the ground you've just gained.

If it happens - and I predict it will - just say a clear, firm, simple no, and follow up with, "What would you do if I were still at work? ......... OK then, do that, whatever it is."