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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to used as daycare whilst on maternity?

237 replies

GoldieF · 28/04/2021 15:32

DH has slipped in conversation today that at least planning summer holiday care for DSC won't be as stressful this year. When I asked what he meant apparently he just thought it was fine to assume I'd look after all the children because I'm off on maternity.

AIBU to say ermm no!

I don't mind and have before, helped out when things have been difficult but I know DH, he's a workaholic who will think this means he doesn't have to take a day off at all.

We have DSC with us 50:50 3 days one week 4 the next so it would be quite a lot and to be quite honest, I don't want to spend my summer and maternity playing daycare for half the week.

OP posts:
poppycat10 · 29/04/2021 11:34

By the way OP is your other half going to take his share of parental leave?

ForeverAintEnough12 · 29/04/2021 11:36

@notlovinglockdownlife

Poor kids, both their selfish father and step mother see them as a problem and inconvenience. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, your post is all me, me, me - when you married your DH his existing kids were part of the package. If you aren't working I don't see why you can't look after them at least some of the time? I would insist their father takes some annual leave though.

All this talk about "special time" on maternity leave presumably comes from first time mothers when the whole world revolves around "baby". Small babies don't need to be constantly watched, they are portable and pretty boring, - yours can come with you on days out, it probably won't even be mobile by the summer.

Why don't you book some sports courses/ coding courses whatever for some days and plan activities with your step children for other days. Maybe you could even try making them feel welcome!

This is the stupidest ‘advice’ yet.

Yes @GoldieF why don’t you take on full parenting responsibility and plan the summer for the children all while minding a newborn as a first time mother. I mean it’s not like those poor children have two parents to do that for them .... oh wait

And stop being so selfish about wanting to do age appropriate activities with your newborn. Just lob your boring baby into a car seat and ignore it while you traipse to and from activities for the other children. Biscuit

Original poster
GoldieF · 29/04/2021 11:37

I'm not sure how me having a private conversation with their Dad which they don't even know about is me making them feel unwelcome? I treat them very well when they are here and they are always made to feel welcome, I don't see why that means I have to be my husband's scapegoat from his responsibilities though because he'd rather be at work. There is always talk on here of men shirking responsibilities to their children and yet there seems to be a lot of people trying to guilt a woman into helping him do just that it seems.

I do feel strongly about it yes, we won't be having another DC, this is literally my first and last time of ever getting this experience.

OP posts:
kirinm · 29/04/2021 11:40

I don't think you're unreasonable to not want to look after them throughout the summer. What normally happens? I'd expect whatever usually happens to happen!

I do find the whole 'they're not your kids' stuff around step children weird though. They live with you half of the time. Your home is their home. At which point do they become part of your family and you take some responsibility for them. How long have you been together?

JokeTheCoalman · 29/04/2021 11:40

@Willyoujustbequiet

I was ready to agree but it occurred to me about finances - if he is supporting financially you whilst you are on maternity then no I don't think its unreasonable for you to help. Also at 12 and 8 it's not a big ask really.

If he's not supporting you and your finances are separate then yeah he's a cf.

The op isn't the hired help ffs

He should be financially supporting his baby and mother of his child

Good grief

ForeverAintEnough12 · 29/04/2021 11:41

@GoldieF stay strong and enjoy your Mat leave. You are 100% in the right here. Some posters tend to just lose their heads completely once a stepmother is mentioned - most likely they’re dealing with their own baggage here.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 11:45

@GoldieF

I'm not sure how me having a private conversation with their Dad which they don't even know about is me making them feel unwelcome? I treat them very well when they are here and they are always made to feel welcome, I don't see why that means I have to be my husband's scapegoat from his responsibilities though because he'd rather be at work. There is always talk on here of men shirking responsibilities to their children and yet there seems to be a lot of people trying to guilt a woman into helping him do just that it seems.

I do feel strongly about it yes, we won't be having another DC, this is literally my first and last time of ever getting this experience.

Totally agree OP.

Only on a thread concerning a stepmother would you see people actually defending a dad's right to not take any time off to spend with his family during the summer holidays.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 11:49

Has anybody actually considered that these children actually might want to see their dad, and may not want to spend loads of their summer holidays with their stepmum and the new baby??

My SCs would rather stay at home with their mum than come here to spend the days with me looking after a little baby and their dad at work.

The dad is being totally selfish and thinking only of himself here.

Oilpyi · 29/04/2021 11:54

I posted earlier, I’ll explain more. My step children are now adults, similar age gap to the OP.
Our relationship has grown a lot from when they were small children who needed looking after. If I could back I’d focus a bit more on them, I was quite focused at the time on my ‘baby time’ but it feels less important bow. They’re adults and we’ve grown into a proper united family over time. Still though there is a bit of harboured resentment from when one actually wanted more time with me, I didn’t really pick up on it well.
I wouldn’t have them everyday, but- if they actually want it I would think about making a day for them in the week. Laying better foundations for the future is something I’d go back and do. At the time I just focused on who’s responsibility they were more. Now they are properly close family, people I love, bringers of grandchildren to love. As circumstances have changed their mum has moved on a lot more in her life abroad now.

Herecomesspring1 · 29/04/2021 11:56

I'm with you OP - my husband works all of the time and it does my head in. The kids don't really want to see you anyway - they want to see their Dad so it's pretty pointless anyway, in that respect. Hope you stand firm on this!

RandomMess · 29/04/2021 11:57

Why would the DC want to spend all that time with this stepmum and a "boring" baby rather than with their Dad like every other summer??? How is it going to make them feel that they no longer matter to their Dad that he doesn't bother to take time off work for them??

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 12:01

@RandomMess

Why would the DC want to spend all that time with this stepmum and a "boring" baby rather than with their Dad like every other summer??? How is it going to make them feel that they no longer matter to their Dad that he doesn't bother to take time off work for them??
Yesssss!

AND if OP had come on here posting that she didn't think it was worth her DH using his annual leave to spend time with his children because she's on mat leave so could have them instead, everyone would be calling her selfish and saying the children need and deserve time with their dad and they are not there to see her!

EKGEMS · 29/04/2021 12:03

@notlovinglockdownlife How about you stop the sanctimony towards the poor OP! How dare you call her selfish

Gobbeldegook · 29/04/2021 12:05

Oh I would! Extra help with the baby, and the kids will have all that time to develop a wonderful bond with the baby.
That said, it does depend on if the kids actually like you 🤷🏻‍♀️
My dss can't stand me, hardly knows me. Jelous mother/ parental alienation situation. I'd have given anything for him to have a relationship with his sisters.

Original poster
GoldieF · 29/04/2021 12:10

@Gobbeldegook

Oh I would! Extra help with the baby, and the kids will have all that time to develop a wonderful bond with the baby. That said, it does depend on if the kids actually like you 🤷🏻‍♀️ My dss can't stand me, hardly knows me. Jelous mother/ parental alienation situation. I'd have given anything for him to have a relationship with his sisters.
I don't know if it's just my DSC but I'm not sure what all this wonderful bonding time is everyone keeps mentioning. At this stage anyway.

They love their sibling and will sometimes come and ask for a cuddle/fight over who gets to sit next to the car seat, that kind of thing but other than that they don't do much else with baby. As PP kindly said, babies can be pretty boring especially at newborn stage and especially to kids. They aren't going to spend all day helping me and bonding with the baby. More likely they'll have a few cuddles maybe feed him once and then want to do other stuff.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 29/04/2021 12:17

OP knew he had children 👏🏻
She also knew they went to childcare of some sort during school holidays.
She didn’t know they wouldn’t be going this year.
She didn’t know that because she doesn’t get to decide that.
She doesn’t get to decide that because she’s not their parent.
If she could treat them like her own she could also decide what is the appropriate childcare setting.
But she can’t treat them like her own.
Because she’s not their parent.

It’s all very “heads I win, tails you lose” when it comes to SMs, even more so when they have the cheek to have babies of their own Hmm

notlovinglockdownlife · 29/04/2021 12:38

#EKGEMS
I called her DH selfish. But the OP will never have a good relationship with her dss unless she puts in a great deal of effort and the baby is their half sibling. They are still young, must miss their dad and probably resent her but she is the grown up, they are only children.

Obviously it is her DH who is really the problem but she's the one who married him. In 3 or 4 years time both step kids will be old enough to decide never see their dad if they don't want to (which seems likely).

In OPs position I would feel sad and guilty to think I had not done everything I could to make his kids feel welcome. If they ultimately hate her she has at least tried.

MarshaBradyo · 29/04/2021 12:42

@GoldieF

Usually on the holidays DH and ex take AL or their parents help out occasionally too.
Are these still what you’d do instead?

It’s up to you I reckon, if above is still available

BlackMarauder · 29/04/2021 12:43

@dopeyduck. Apologies. I meant that post to be directed toward the OP.

Graphista · 29/04/2021 12:51

Not only is it a piss take on you op it makes for a very boring summer for the dsc which could likely lead to poor behaviour due to boredom/frustration

Ultimately they are the responsibility of their parents not yours, and I think his workaholic attitude needs to be addressed too (is this why he split from ex?) he is father of 3 now he needs to act it.

At this age most kids enjoy holiday/activity clubs at least some of the time in the long summer holidays. I raised dd as a single mum and when I could afford it I tried to get her into these in the summer holidays not because I couldn't be arsed to have her at home but because it was fun and stimulating for her.

He's not considering the children's (all the children's) needs in this very much at all and he's not remotely considering yours. Selfish selfish man!

Be firm and stick to your guns, you are not a free childminder or holiday club!

Youseethethingis · 29/04/2021 12:52

In OPs position I would feel sad and guilty to think I had not done everything I could to make his kids feel welcome. If they ultimately hate her she has at least tried
Unbelievable. Their father won’t take time of work and it’s OPs fault for marrying him and if she doesn’t pander to him then the children will be justified in hating her? Confused
Also, they must miss their mother. They are 50/50 and their mother works too. None of which can be affected by OP giving up more of her time or her right to have a say in her own life.

Crappyfridays7 · 29/04/2021 12:52

When my kids go to their dads for their time with him, it’s time spent with him, not so they can go and sit with some woman he married and left to babysit. If the kids got on with her and she was happy to take them I’d still be wary. However my ex actually enjoys spending time with his children. He takes extra days off to do stuff with them. they’ve got season passes to the zoo and he takes them to school feeds them etc it’s not a Disney dad scenario.

Tell your dh to take some holidays in the summer so when his children are there he can spend time with them, he needs to do this now, will you never go on holiday as a family?...or just you 3? I absolutely do not expect you to be daycare but I would expect family holidays to include all kids at least half the time, and if your husband can’t take time off for his existing older kids why did he have more?...I don’t get it. Sad for the kids, dad palming them off and step mum has a new baby, it’s a hard time for kids that age.

I absolutely understand why you wouldn’t want to have them alone op, honestly it’s not on you. You aren’t planning more babies so absolutely enjoy your little one, don’t let your dh rob you of time with baby, he needs to take some time off to spend with you all.

Morred · 29/04/2021 12:58

I think you need a plan for the holidays, as you usually would. So the children are off for x weeks, perhaps you'll have a "family holiday" for two of those (DH uses annual leave, perhaps you go away if that works for you). If you wanted to meet DH halfway you could offer to have a 'staycation' with them for one more week, and/or offer to sort drop offs and pickups for their holiday activities (summer club, etc.) the other weeks.

If DH's relationship with his ex is good, they could consider changing the contact slightly over the long summer holidays, so he has the kids for a full week, then she does - that might make it easier to sort clubs (rather than trying to sort something for Thurs&Fri one week) and your DH could take whole weeks of holiday rather than odd days here and there.

stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 12:59

@notlovinglockdownlife

#EKGEMS I called her DH selfish. But the OP will never have a good relationship with her dss unless she puts in a great deal of effort and the baby is their half sibling. They are still young, must miss their dad and probably resent her but she is the grown up, they are only children.

Obviously it is her DH who is really the problem but she's the one who married him. In 3 or 4 years time both step kids will be old enough to decide never see their dad if they don't want to (which seems likely).

In OPs position I would feel sad and guilty to think I had not done everything I could to make his kids feel welcome. If they ultimately hate her she has at least tried.

You're putting the onus on OP, which is wrong.

OP gets on perfectly well with DSC and makes them welcome and is willing to take care of them in emergencies.

That's more than enough, all the rest is their dad's responsibility.

stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 13:00

"I think you DH needs a plan for the holiday"

Fixed it for you.