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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to used as daycare whilst on maternity?

237 replies

GoldieF · 28/04/2021 15:32

DH has slipped in conversation today that at least planning summer holiday care for DSC won't be as stressful this year. When I asked what he meant apparently he just thought it was fine to assume I'd look after all the children because I'm off on maternity.

AIBU to say ermm no!

I don't mind and have before, helped out when things have been difficult but I know DH, he's a workaholic who will think this means he doesn't have to take a day off at all.

We have DSC with us 50:50 3 days one week 4 the next so it would be quite a lot and to be quite honest, I don't want to spend my summer and maternity playing daycare for half the week.

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 29/04/2021 09:58

The DSC's contact time is meant to be with their DF, not their stepmum and brand new half-sib!

I'd be telling DH to plan their school holiday care with his ex as if you were working full time because in effect you are! This time with your brand new baby is exhausting, precious and doesn't come round again.

Hugsgalore · 29/04/2021 10:01

@LookingForAChange21

I'm going to go against the grain here...

When I was on ML I was happy to look after DSS. We have him 50:50 too, I see our house as being his home as much as his DM's, so why should he go to childcare when I'd be home with his sibling? I was worried about how he'd feel knowing that we were home but he was going elsewhere.

I do get on very well with him, and his DM, so maybe that's different? And obviously it did change the dynamic of my ML, but I married DH happily knowing that DSS came with him, and he's as much a part of our family as our own DC (who also wouldn't be put in childcare if there was someone at home in a parental capacity who could take care of her.)

I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I don't immediately jump to the conclusion that your DH is a CF for assuming you'd take care of him (although what you've said about him being a workaholic and therefore not taking a day off is something I'd wanting hashing out as I'd resent that.)

I can't believe the amount of replies here telling you that you DH is a cheeky fucker.

I agree with the above. If you marry someone who has children then you need to accept your home is also their home too.

I read a lot of these kinds of threads on here and I feel very sorry for the children involved.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 10:06

@iamthesandstorm

I think you are being really unreasonable......The kids are 12 and 8..hardly needing 24 hour super vision..and presumably you knew he had kids when you married him...They are a package..my god if this was reversed....
Do you mean like if the man was off work and the woman expected him to look after her kids for her through the summer holidays for her? Because I feel like he would still say no and that would be totally reasonable.

OP I also wouldn't be happy with this and tbh it isn't ideal for your SCs anyway since you'll be occupied with the baby and they'll probably be left to their own devices the majority of the time.

The very most I would do would be have them once a week on my own, on top of whatever time your DP already has them.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 10:09

I can't believe the amount of replies here telling you that you DH is a cheeky fucker.

I agree with the above. If you marry someone who has children then you need to accept your home is also their home too.

I read a lot of these kinds of threads on here and I feel very sorry for the children involved.

But presumably their usual contact schedule will stay the same? OP isn't saying they can't come at all or have to come less because she's on maternity, she's just saying she doesn't want to be solely responsible for looking after them for a huge chunk of the holidays just because she's on maternity leave. She already has her own baby to look after.

FizzyApricot · 29/04/2021 10:16

Hugsgalore you feel sorry for the children that their actual parents have to carry on with their usual contact pattern?

OP isn't telling the children she doesn't want to look after them. Unless her DH tells them that he had asked OP but she refuses so they can't come then there is no problem here that would affect the children.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 10:29

@FizzyApricot

Hugsgalore you feel sorry for the children that their actual parents have to carry on with their usual contact pattern?

OP isn't telling the children she doesn't want to look after them. Unless her DH tells them that he had asked OP but she refuses so they can't come then there is no problem here that would affect the children.

Exactly.

Plus the way it's phrased implies that DH just expected OP to have the kids whenever he (he!!) is due to have them over the holidays. He hasn't even asked her if she'd be up for it, or asked her to help out with a day/couple of days a week.

He has just assumed she'll look after them all holiday for him instead of him either taking time off to spend with them or sorting out an alternative, even just a day a week with grandparents or whatever.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 29/04/2021 10:33

I can understand why he would hope you would help - there might be very few actual childcare options available for a 12 year old as its assumed they can stay at home and amuse themselves. Won't the 12 year old go out and meet their friends? Could you offer to drop off/ pick up the 8 year from some activities 9-3 and cover tea time? In my experience older kids like that don't need a lot of entertaining. I had my sisters 3 kids a few times last summer plus my then 3 & rising 1 yr olds, actually it was great as 10 yr old really keen to be helpful with baby!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/04/2021 10:38

They are your stepchildren they are part of your family. When they are with you they should be treated the same as the other children in your family

ForeverAintEnough12 · 29/04/2021 10:43

@ASandwichNamedKevin most of my friends continued sending their children to crèche when new baby arrived so they had time to bond with the new baby so it’s more common than you think Only one took her children out of crèches when home on mat leave.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 10:43

@sweeneytoddsrazor

They are your stepchildren they are part of your family. When they are with you they should be treated the same as the other children in your family
Literally their own dad is the one saying he's glad he won't need to look after them over the summer because someone else (OP) can.

SURELY he should want to spend that time with them??? More so than OP, who is not their mother or father.

Mellonsprite · 29/04/2021 10:46

You obviously feel very strongly about this and I do see your point (as mum to a 12 year old who would rather be on the PS all day).
However if you dig your heels in I think it will cause a huge fall out between you & DH as effectively you are saying ‘I’m not prepared to look after your children, but I’ll look after my own’, and to him; they are all his kids. You will create a divide.
Would you be prepared to compromise, so offer 1 day per week?

Lorw · 29/04/2021 11:04

Everyone bashing the stepmum instead of the children’s dad who has basically said he would rather be at work than take annual leave to spend time with his own children like he normally does.

FizzyApricot · 29/04/2021 11:04

Bibidy I think we are on the same page here. Why are people having a go at OP for not wanting to look after her SC when their own father doesn't want to do it.

FizzyApricot · 29/04/2021 11:05

@Mellonsprite

You obviously feel very strongly about this and I do see your point (as mum to a 12 year old who would rather be on the PS all day). However if you dig your heels in I think it will cause a huge fall out between you & DH as effectively you are saying ‘I’m not prepared to look after your children, but I’ll look after my own’, and to him; they are all his kids. You will create a divide. Would you be prepared to compromise, so offer 1 day per week?
But he doesn't want to look after his own kids. Why should OP want to?
Bibidy · 29/04/2021 11:07

@FizzyApricot

Bibidy I think we are on the same page here. Why are people having a go at OP for not wanting to look after her SC when their own father doesn't want to do it.
Yes it's so unfair.

You'd think if anything he would want to take that time even more this year, since he has a small baby as well.

Instead, he's being defended to not want to spend any significant time with either his older children, his new baby OR his wife? Don't really see how OP is the one at fault here tbh.

FizzyApricot · 29/04/2021 11:09

You'd think if anything he would want to take that time even more this year, since he has a small baby as well.

I was in a similar position to OP and as you said my DH took more time off to make sure he had quality 121 time with all his children.

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/04/2021 11:15

You need to spell it out in words of one syllable.

YOUR KIDS. YOUR JOB. NOT MINE.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 11:19

@FizzyApricot

You'd think if anything he would want to take that time even more this year, since he has a small baby as well.

I was in a similar position to OP and as you said my DH took more time off to make sure he had quality 121 time with all his children.

Good!

My DP would never expect me to regularly look after his two older children on my own if I was on maternity leave.

Tbh, aside from anything else, he would be conscious that it wouldn't be much fun for them during their school holidays as I'd be running around after the baby and we'd probably end up just pottering around the house the whole time waiting for him to get home. He would much rather be off himself so we could do some bits together and he'd also be able to take the older two out to do things we wouldn't be able to do with the baby.

Also, I think their mum would rather keep them with her if she thought their dad was just palming them off on me the whole time. It isn't easy for her to be apart from them but she does so so they get time with their dad. If they weren't even getting that, I don't think she'd even want to send them.

notlovinglockdownlife · 29/04/2021 11:20

Poor kids, both their selfish father and step mother see them as a problem and inconvenience. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, your post is all me, me, me - when you married your DH his existing kids were part of the package. If you aren't working I don't see why you can't look after them at least some of the time? I would insist their father takes some annual leave though.

All this talk about "special time" on maternity leave presumably comes from first time mothers when the whole world revolves around "baby". Small babies don't need to be constantly watched, they are portable and pretty boring, - yours can come with you on days out, it probably won't even be mobile by the summer.

Why don't you book some sports courses/ coding courses whatever for some days and plan activities with your step children for other days. Maybe you could even try making them feel welcome!

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 11:22

All this talk about "special time" on maternity leave presumably comes from first time mothers when the whole world revolves around "baby". Small babies don't need to be constantly watched, they are portable and pretty boring, - yours can come with you on days out, it probably won't even be mobile by the summer.

That's right, first time mothers like OP who have ever right to enjoy their time off with their baby.

poppycat10 · 29/04/2021 11:30

all those saying maternity leave is for bonding with a baby, would you put your own older DC in daycare just so you could bond with the baby? Not many people I know would

If my older child(ren) was/were already going to childcare or holiday care, yes I would. Having a sibling is enough of an earthquake in their routine, you don't take them out of childcare as well (if you can afford not to).

If I had a small baby I would not want to be looking after someone else's kids over the summer as well.

dopeyduck · 29/04/2021 11:31

@BlackMarauder your post in no way reflects any part of my comment?

poppycat10 · 29/04/2021 11:31

Small babies don't need to be constantly watched, they are portable and pretty boring, - yours can come with you on days out, it probably won't even be mobile by the summer

My ds was like that but a lot of babies are not, they cry all the time and need constant attention. And therefore you absolutely can't take them on days out (or you can, if you want everyone else to have a miserable time).

poppycat10 · 29/04/2021 11:32

If you aren't working I don't see why you can't look after them at least some of the time

because she has a small baby. Maternity leave is for the new baby, it's not for lazy fathers to get out of sorting out their childcare requirements.

LeavingJ · 29/04/2021 11:33

yours can come with you on days out, it probably won't even be mobile by the summer

It?

Why don't you book some sports courses/ coding courses whatever for some days and plan activities with your step children for other days. Maybe you could even try making them feel welcome!

Their Dad should be doing this!