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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to used as daycare whilst on maternity?

237 replies

GoldieF · 28/04/2021 15:32

DH has slipped in conversation today that at least planning summer holiday care for DSC won't be as stressful this year. When I asked what he meant apparently he just thought it was fine to assume I'd look after all the children because I'm off on maternity.

AIBU to say ermm no!

I don't mind and have before, helped out when things have been difficult but I know DH, he's a workaholic who will think this means he doesn't have to take a day off at all.

We have DSC with us 50:50 3 days one week 4 the next so it would be quite a lot and to be quite honest, I don't want to spend my summer and maternity playing daycare for half the week.

OP posts:
GetTheStartyParted · 28/04/2021 17:06

This should have been a discussion, rather than his assumption.

I don't think he is BU to ask though. I had my DSC during holidays. DSD was with us 100% of the time. DSS only EOW but with 2 weeks in the summer, 1 week at Christmas and so on. We worked as a family to cover any care when I was working and when I was on maternity leave I had the children.

They generally spent one week each summer at a sports club, mainly so they weren't bored of being with me and baby. It worked well for us.

If you're unhappy to do it, then it's his job to sort. While I think it's a shame as you would probably look after your children while on maternity leave, they are not your responsibility.

iamthesandstorm · 28/04/2021 17:12

I think you are being really unreasonable......The kids are 12 and 8..hardly needing 24 hour super vision..and presumably you knew he had kids when you married him...They are a package..my god if this was reversed....

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 17:20

and presumably you knew he had kids when you married him

Didn’t take long did it? Grin

my god if this was reversed

When men get pregnant and give birth there might be a reverse. Since that is impossible there won’t ever be one. I’m sure you think you’re clever but this comment doesn’t make you look it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 17:22

I don't think YABU OP but all those saying maternity leave is for bonding with a baby, would you put your own older DC in daycare just so you could bond with the baby? Not many people I know would.

Absolutely loads of people put older children in daycare so they can bond with their baby. It’s standard advice on here.

The key point though is OP doesn’t have older children. Her husband has older children that he shares with his ex. Between them they’ve managed to sort holiday cover in the past and can continue to do so.

RandomMess · 28/04/2021 17:25

I would be explicit that you are to do a day a week that will have to work around your plans. Guess it will be your day at home!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/04/2021 17:26

I don’t get this thing either re never caring for step children. Surely if you want a partner who already has children you become one unit not just the parts you want.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/04/2021 17:45

Ffs

How is the OP going to take her newly born baby to anything like baby shit before she goes back to work?

She can hardly drag a 12 year old to baby sign/baby music Hmm

If they were her OWN kids (they're not, they already apparently have 2 functioning parents) she'd probably be sending them to sports camps/drama shit for their OWN age group at least part of the summer so she could give the baby one on one

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 17:50

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I don’t get this thing either re never caring for step children. Surely if you want a partner who already has children you become one unit not just the parts you want.
That’s okay. When you have step children you can organise your family and your time as you see fit.
Aliceandthemarchhare · 28/04/2021 17:58

Not sure many people do put their older children into daycare actually. I’m not sure if you’re unreasonable or not OP but I have never heard of this.

AmyLou100 · 28/04/2021 17:59

Yanbu at all! You will have massive resentment from this so best you stand your ground. This is YOUR precious time with your baby. And before anyone asks what you would do if you had other kids, well you don't have other children! They are not your kids, your dh needs to sort out the childcare on HIS leave. Your ML is not holiday club.

Bobbots · 28/04/2021 18:06

I’m not even looking after my own older child while I’m on maternity leave - she’s continuing to go to childminders as usual, partly to keep her space but also because it’s fun and the CM is much more creative and does fun activities, outings etc that I won’t have much enthusiasm for when I’ve been up all night with a baby. So YANBU to not look after kids who don’t even belong to you!

Maybe83 · 28/04/2021 18:12

I'm a SM, DH is a SF It would depend on lots of things. For example finances and if they could clubs etc some of the time and DH annual leave. I wouldn't want to do 100% of the child care but I would help with it.

We split ours as much as possible and try to keep some that we can use just us. It wouldn't make sense to me for my DH to use a large amount of AL when I'm home but ours are adults now and the youngest is ours.

Darkstar4855 · 28/04/2021 18:32

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to look after them some of the time, say one or two days a week, but I think your partner should be helping out as well and taking some time off work. It is a bit tough but it’s part of being a step parent and it’s important they don’t end up feeling unwanted now that there’s a new baby around.

tuttifuckinfruity · 28/04/2021 18:34

Ridiculous. Kids that age need entertained and trips out and play dates with friends etc - he's expecting you to facilitate that and just drag your baby along with you?

Get him told ASAP. Not happening, what a ridiculous idea.

Hankunamatata · 28/04/2021 18:37

I'd compromise on 1 day a week then perhaps holiday club 2 days a week or dh takes time off

ElderMillennial · 28/04/2021 18:38

YANBU OP

I think make it v clear now that this is not how you intend to spend your maternity leave

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/04/2021 18:41

I was ready to agree but it occurred to me about finances - if he is supporting financially you whilst you are on maternity then no I don't think its unreasonable for you to help. Also at 12 and 8 it's not a big ask really.

If he's not supporting you and your finances are separate then yeah he's a cf.

Montii · 28/04/2021 18:45

@AnneLovesGilbert

I don't think YABU OP but all those saying maternity leave is for bonding with a baby, would you put your own older DC in daycare just so you could bond with the baby? Not many people I know would.

Absolutely loads of people put older children in daycare so they can bond with their baby. It’s standard advice on here.

The key point though is OP doesn’t have older children. Her husband has older children that he shares with his ex. Between them they’ve managed to sort holiday cover in the past and can continue to do so.

Yep, I have a 5 month old and my 3 year old is in daycare 3 days a week. It’s a good balance for us as we have time all together and then he has time at daycare having fun with his friends and giving me a bit of a break and a chance to spend time with the baby on my own.
MsSquiz · 28/04/2021 18:50

I would've responded "ah it's great that you'll be taking time off to spend with all 3 of your children!"

flippertygibbit · 28/04/2021 18:50

If they were your biological children would you look after them? Blood doesn't make a family.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 28/04/2021 18:59

I would offer to have them that one extra day when you have them 4 days a week so the rest of the childcare would be persistent so less faffing about trying to get childcare for one extra day every two weeks , but that would be it

PurpleMustang · 28/04/2021 19:00

It would of been different if you had offered or part offered to have them but the DH has just gone and assumed he can save a few pennies.
What a gem! Does he miss the point that they are his children and should be spending holidays with him. At that age, depending on their personalities they will either entertain themselves, expect all your attention or be bored by not being able to go where they want with a baby in tow. And as you say you are not having ages off work, so want to spend it as you want not how he demands.

Springsnake · 28/04/2021 19:00

Well obviously,if he’s at work ,you have the children
When I was on maternity leave for my 4 th child ,I had to look after the other 3.
They live at your house half of their life
Who did you think was going to look after them ?..

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 19:01

@flippertygibbit

If they were your biological children would you look after them? Blood doesn't make a family.
They’re not. So you have no point. These children have two parents. OP is neither.
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 19:02

@Springsnake

Well obviously,if he’s at work ,you have the children When I was on maternity leave for my 4 th child ,I had to look after the other 3. They live at your house half of their life Who did you think was going to look after them ?..
The parents, again, of which OP, is neither, can use annual leave or pay for childcare. Like they’ve done every other single year since their children started school. Obviously...
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