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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to used as daycare whilst on maternity?

237 replies

GoldieF · 28/04/2021 15:32

DH has slipped in conversation today that at least planning summer holiday care for DSC won't be as stressful this year. When I asked what he meant apparently he just thought it was fine to assume I'd look after all the children because I'm off on maternity.

AIBU to say ermm no!

I don't mind and have before, helped out when things have been difficult but I know DH, he's a workaholic who will think this means he doesn't have to take a day off at all.

We have DSC with us 50:50 3 days one week 4 the next so it would be quite a lot and to be quite honest, I don't want to spend my summer and maternity playing daycare for half the week.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldieF · 28/04/2021 23:14

I can be arsed perfectly fine during their normal contact time when their Dad is here and helping out occasionally but no you're right I can't be arsed ferrying them around to activities or sitting inside whilst they watch TV and play video games for a good chunk of my maternity leave, no.

OP posts:
weewitch · 28/04/2021 23:15

YANBU Op - I wouldn't like it either and would say no chance and tell him he needs to sort it without factoring you into the equation.

funinthesun19 · 28/04/2021 23:19

I can be arsed perfectly fine during their normal contact time when their Dad is here and helping out occasionally but no you're right I can't be arsed ferrying them around to activities or sitting inside whilst they watch TV and play video games for a good chunk of my maternity leave, no.

Well said op! Some people really love to twist things.

FizzyApricot · 28/04/2021 23:26

@GoldieF

I can be arsed perfectly fine during their normal contact time when their Dad is here and helping out occasionally but no you're right I can't be arsed ferrying them around to activities or sitting inside whilst they watch TV and play video games for a good chunk of my maternity leave, no.
Good for you! Maternity leave is for you and your child. Not for looking after your SC.
FizzyApricot · 28/04/2021 23:31

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

I think if you can't be arsed with stepchildren then don't marry someone with children.
I think if someone can't be arsed to sort out looking after their own children and instead assume someone who has just had their own child will look after them then they should look at their priorities.
Viviennemary · 28/04/2021 23:37

I agree there has to be some sort of compromise. You could offer one day a week to look after them. Your DH can do one day a week and take them out somewhere.

Angelou79 · 28/04/2021 23:43

So will ex look after yours when you need a break from 3 children?

BlackMarauder · 29/04/2021 00:18

@dopeyduck did you tell your husband what you've written here? That maternity leave is about recovering from childbirth and bonding with your baby? Not ferrying his DC around.

Reason #1 million why I'd never date a men with DC. They're always looking to dump their responsibility on any woman who'd let them.

greenlynx · 29/04/2021 00:19

People ask what would you do if the older children were your own? Well, my Mum left my older sibling at home during her maternity leave with 5 months old me. My sibling was about 12. She is well over 50 and still remembers with resentment how her early teens summer was ruined by my presence.
8 and 12 y.o wouldn’t like to spend their holidays on baby friendly activities.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 29/04/2021 00:23

YANBU at all.

Maternity leave is, many days, about basic survival, napping and trying to drink your tea whilst it's still hot. No one should have to look after children who not only aren't there's but should be getting looked after by someone else.

NRTFT yet but hope the stepmum haters haven't given you a hard time

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 29/04/2021 00:27

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I don’t get this thing either re never caring for step children. Surely if you want a partner who already has children you become one unit not just the parts you want.
The problem is when the step parent becomes the parts the actual parent wants them to be.
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 29/04/2021 00:28

@Aliceandthemarchhare

Not sure many people do put their older children into daycare actually. I’m not sure if you’re unreasonable or not OP but I have never heard of this.
I did! DD was 3.5 when DS came along. I put her in 3 days a week (well she was in anyway I carried it on). I didn't realise people actually pulled older kids out of childcare when they had more babies?
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 29/04/2021 00:30

@Willyoujustbequiet

I was ready to agree but it occurred to me about finances - if he is supporting financially you whilst you are on maternity then no I don't think its unreasonable for you to help. Also at 12 and 8 it's not a big ask really.

If he's not supporting you and your finances are separate then yeah he's a cf.

Supporting the OP financially (aka paying his way towards the cost of family life) means she works for him now does it? Confused
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 29/04/2021 00:33

Reason #1 million why I'd never date a men with DC. They're always looking to dump their responsibility on any woman who'd let them.

Snap!! I'm a teacher so have school holidays off and it's an even bigger reason to stay single. Wouldn't want some entitled bloke thinking it means I'm free childcare - family and friends (and acquaintances I barely speak to) already see me as some nanny up for grabs who'd be delighted looking after their little snots children

rottielove · 29/04/2021 00:53

Wow. Wouldn't want to be your step child.

You should treat your step children as your own. End of.

choli · 29/04/2021 01:28

The father should treat the children as his own, rather than palming them off on the OP.

insomniaisaballbag · 29/04/2021 03:41

I couldn't think of anything worse. Your dh needs to sort it out himself, can't believe he thought he wouldn't need to look after his own kids.

Torvean · 29/04/2021 03:48

Stick to your guns. If he wants them more he takes time off work to look after them. In an emergency its OK to help but not for the whole holidays.

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2021 04:43

@Aliceandthemarchhare

Not sure many people do put their older children into daycare actually. I’m not sure if you’re unreasonable or not OP but I have never heard of this.
I kept childcare up 3 days a week when dc2 was born. Kept me alive. One of his days was term time only and that long summer holiday with him home 3 days not 2 was very long. Love him very much of course but it’s not easy, I was so glad to be able to afford that.
Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 29/04/2021 06:14

Presumably the DSC's mum was able to enjoy her first maternity leave without dragging a couple of older kids about. Why shouldn't the OP be able to do this too?

The OP's baby is very little. When my DC was 4/5 months, I was still dealing with psychological and physical issues caused by the birth, the constant sleepless nights and night wakings were beginning to take their toll and I could just about manage to take care of baby and myself but that was it. There is no way I would have been in a good place to look after and entertain two much older children. They would have been put in front of screens all day at home while I breastfed baby and napped, fed frozen pizza and dragged out for the long walks with my friends which kept me sane. I would also no doubt have found myself screaming at them now and then for just behaving like children (it's amazing how unreasonable prolonged sleep deprivation makes you), which would do no good for my relationship with DSCs.

Aliceandthemarchhare · 29/04/2021 06:25

Childcare for a toddler is a bit different to holiday clubs for preteens, though.

lazyarse123 · 29/04/2021 06:27

@LookingForAChange21

I'm going to go against the grain here...

When I was on ML I was happy to look after DSS. We have him 50:50 too, I see our house as being his home as much as his DM's, so why should he go to childcare when I'd be home with his sibling? I was worried about how he'd feel knowing that we were home but he was going elsewhere.

I do get on very well with him, and his DM, so maybe that's different? And obviously it did change the dynamic of my ML, but I married DH happily knowing that DSS came with him, and he's as much a part of our family as our own DC (who also wouldn't be put in childcare if there was someone at home in a parental capacity who could take care of her.)

I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I don't immediately jump to the conclusion that your DH is a CF for assuming you'd take care of him (although what you've said about him being a workaholic and therefore not taking a day off is something I'd wanting hashing out as I'd resent that.)

I agree with this. These kids are part of your family now. Of course your dh still needs to have days off and look after all three children. Great way to make them feel less important than your child.
funinthesun19 · 29/04/2021 06:59

I don’t understand why some people are so against the op here.

The children would normally go to holiday clubs, and the op wants that to carry on while she’s on maternity leave rather than her look after them instead. She’s not stopping contact with their father because he won’t be there. When he’s there, they will be there. The children will be able to bond with their sibling when he’s there. The op hasn’t done anything wrong here.

And as for the point about saving money on the childcare, maybe the op isn’t bothered about that.

ShamrockHillz · 29/04/2021 07:02

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

I think if you can't be arsed with stepchildren then don't marry someone with children.
Was wondering how long it would take for someone to say this.

We’re just missing ‘you knew what you were getting yourself into marrying a man with children’.

Op, you enjoy your maternity leave how you want to. I loved every bit of mine with dd and wouldn’t have wanted the added stress of looking after two more. You might be their stepmother but the fact is, they’re not your responsibility. It’s not your job to provide childcare, at your detriment, to make your dh and his exw life easier. Just tell your dh you don’t want to do this and let him make his own arrangements.

Cherrysoup · 29/04/2021 07:10

Don’t let him spoil your experience of maternity leave with your first child! He’s extremely shortsighted to do this to you.