To not want to used as daycare whilst on maternity?

[GoldieF]

DH has slipped in conversation today that at least planning summer holiday care for DSC won't be as stressful this year. When I asked what he meant apparently he just thought it was fine to assume I'd look after all the children because I'm off on maternity.

AIBU to say ermm no!

I don't mind and have before, helped out when things have been difficult but I know DH, he's a workaholic who will think this means he doesn't have to take a day off at all.

We have DSC with us 50:50 3 days one week 4 the next so it would be quite a lot and to be quite honest, I don't want to spend my summer and maternity playing daycare for half the week.

@GoldieF

Usually on the holidays DH and ex take AL or their parents help out occasionally too.

Then his suggestion would piss me right off!

Is he saying that you’ll have them all the time in the summer so him and his ex can both just work? Or will his ex take AL as usual and you ‘just’ have them on DH’s days so only he is free to do what he wants??

What did you say when he suggested this? I would have had a few things to say!

You're a family unit, more so because this is absolutely shared care and they're with your family unit 50% of the time.

I cannot really understand how you can justify not being with them tbh! They were part of the package long before your baby. Would you expect that your child when at school has to go off to a club if you were on maternity leave again?

The whole baby group attitudes /excuse is incredibly precious and tbh, they never run during the summer in my experience. And the days that do run, for example, the children centre/surestart ones are then family activities.

I don't think he's presumptuous per se, but yes it could have sweetened the pill if he'd approached it differently. And I would expect to talk about which days he's booking off work as it's not fair either for him not take time off with the family unit.

I think there should be a compromise and you should take them some of the time. Aren't there clubs they can attend?

I do think some people are being very militant on this thread towards stepchildren and that the step parent should not ever be expected to care for the stepchildren. Fast forward a few years when stepchildren don't invite stepparent to their graduation, housewarming or wedding and I bet the stepparent's nose would be out of joint.

The contact is so his children can see their dad? So why would it be spent with you?! Tell him you're not a babysitter he needs to see his own children!

madmara
I really wouldn't care if I wasn't invited as I would understand that I am not their parent.

As Beautiful3 says contact time is to see the parents not the person the parent decided to marry.

I think most 8 and 12 year olds would prefer to have some day camps or sports camps organised for them anyway. 4 years is quite a big age gap and they will want to be with DC their age some of the time.

Are they really going to want to visit if they're left to their own devices most of the time while you care for the baby and nap? I presume you won't want to be doing any days out with them unless your DH is there anyway, so it will just be TV and screens for them.

Didn’t look like the DSC did go to holiday camps previously, their parents took AL or GPs helped out.

I suppose one thing for OP to consider is that if she would like to go on a mini break with just DH and baby, that might not be possible if he has used AL to cover holidays.

DSC might not want to spend time with OP, has anyone asked them what they might want.

What are finances like @GoldieF? Would holiday clubs be an option?

@rottielove

Wow. Wouldn't want to be your step child.

You should treat your step children as your own. End of.

Perhaps if she treated them as her own she would send them to a nice summer camp during the holidays, like many parents who work or have other caring obligations, do. But she would at least get to decide, because she would be the parent. But she isn't, so she doesn't. So your statement is odd, because she can't treat them as she would her own.

In the kindest way possible I don't understand the responses at ALL. If you marry someone with children surely you love and accept their children as family? Money you spend (or save!) on childcare is family money surely?
Obviously you don't have to and obviously you shouldn't be EXPECTED to but just...why wouldn't you?

I have DH and my own family and no step kids. Even so, AL is a massively precious resource! You're thinking about your mat leave WITH the baby OP - when I had my first I wanted time without the baby and if DH can take some leave for that it's amazing. So I would see every day you look after the DSC as a way of banking more flexibility for yourself later in the year. I would do a compromise where they have some time with you and their sibling, some time with dad, some time in clubs.

HIBU by assuming, of course.

How many people would think it was ok for OPs partner to assume she would look after the SC if she was on sick leave? To me they are the same thing. Partly government funded time off work.

Wow. Wouldn't want to be your step child

You should treat your step children as your own. End of

Perfect! There you go OP, treat them like their own parents do, and palm them off on someone else.

Oh some of these treating like their own comments annoy me. Mine are my own , I am the biological and resident parent and I still make sure the childcare is equal from all parties. Fgs maternity leave is there for a reason and surely anyone who remembers maternity leave remembers it wasn't all sunshine and roses ? Its tiring and you have a new baby.

My personal view (which to be fair is a bit pointless because families work differently ) is that an equal split in holidays between adults is fairer. We have Exdh , DP and I (I'm not on maternity but I work full time so whilst not the same there obviously is a restriction there ).

Each adult in holidays takes 2 weeks. Not together to prevent any adult getting too tired. That has always included a change in contact time for us but doesn't need to.

I wouldn't in your position say no to everything but I would be saying to your Dh that he needed to take equal time off as you and the DM.

Treating them as your own doesn't mean being a doormat. There is a middle ground here that could for example mean your DH takes time off so that you do ot for 2 weeks and he does the rest.

This is not a permanent thing! It’s not like she’s a SAHM to her baby, in which case she may be more willing to have them at home as it’s just normal life. And even then, holiday clubs for some of the time aren’t the work of the devil for stepchildren. One of my own children went to football club when I was a SAHM.

The op is on MATERNITY LEAVE. That doesn’t suddenly mean she should look after the stepchildren. She’s off work to spend time with her baby, and yes I’m sure that if she had older children they would see more of their MUM whilst she’s off work. People are comparing apples and pears when say what would you do if they were your own? The relationship and dynamics are very different and you know it.

The stepchildren’s routine/contact schedule should carry on as normal, with maybe one or two days with the OP IF she wants that. People are being precious saying they’re being pushed out etc...Get a bloody grip.

Oh, and the dad’s only motivation for this was to save money. Not for his children have lovely days with op and the baby. Think about that. Even he’s not bothered. Apart from the money, of course.

@Naunet

Wow. Wouldn't want to be your step child

You should treat your step children as your own. End of

Perfect! There you go OP, treat them like their own parents do, and palm them off on someone else.

🤣 to be honest I was thinking this when I read it.

I can't treat them as my own can I. If they were my own, perhaps I'd send them to summer camps or ask grandparents to help out but it seems their parents get to decide whether to do that or not and I just have to smile and nod politely.

I'm not bothered about DH saving his annual leave for a mini break later in the year, it wouldn't happen. I'd rather him take it in the summer as usual and we can do something then. I'm also not concerned about saving money on childcare, not that we would save anything anyway as they don't tend to spend time in childcare anyway during the holidays, surprisingly their parents have managed to work it out between themselves up until now. Funnily now I'm off work that is apparently not possible anymore.

As I say, DH would happily work every day God sends. I'm not really interested in spending my maternity doing sports clubs and taking everyone for picnics on the beach so that he doesn't have to take a day off because thats what it would be. He sees this as meaning 'great, I don't have to be off work at all yipee'.

I'm really not bothered if people think it's precious to want to do baby related things and spend time with friends who have also just had babies during my maternity leave. I won't have opportunity to do this again and I can't just 'do it later in the year', I'll be back at work then.

I married a man with children yes and I never, ever come between their time with their Dad, never once have I. But I must have missed the page on the contract where it said I would need to become (Step)Mummy Daycare during the school hols so that my husband never had to take a day off work.

I don't mind helping out on the odd day if it's a case of we've got X and Y dates where neither of us can get time off, fine. But I don't want to commit to large amounts of time every week.

I don't believe in the idea that when you marry someone you become parent to their child. The only experience I have in this situation is of a step child. I have a great relationship with my step mum because she didn't take on role of mum. I have a terrible relationship with mums husband because he thought it made him my dad.

They're not your kids, I think it's equivalent to your sister saying "well it's great you're on maternity leave so you can look after my kids for me."

Personally I think for the sake of ongoing relationships you need a sit down chat with the kids. They may think being trapped in all summer with a baby, instead of activities, is hell. If so support them to the hilt.
However be careful if they are harbouring hopes of time with you and baby at home. Don’t reject them. Compromise and talk about what works for all of you. Tread carefully or you could have resentment later on that lasts longer than maternity leave.

I wouldn't do it either OP! Tell him now before he makes any plans for you to care for them

Btw- saying that as a step parent still managing the emotions of mid 20s step child! Honestly, not being funny, just advice from experience.

Oilpyi the only one who should feel bad about rejecting them here is their dad who is trying to palm them off on someone else when he has managed every other year fine.

Sorry op I misread your original post. I thought that by sorting holiday childcare he meant holidays clubs and therefore a financial expense. I misread.

But my original point still stands. The children’s contact schedule should remain as normal. And that is, they come to yours when their dad is there when he takes annual leave. Their mum shouldn’t get it easier either just because you’re off work, so watch out for that too.
The main thing we need to remember here is that you’re not stopping them from seeing their father. When he’s off, they come and you don’t stand in the way of that. You’re doing nothing to push them out at all.

Like you say, you only get this once. Your maternity leave, your choice. It will be over in the blink of an eye, and you don’t want to look back thinking “I didn’t enjoy it because I was looking after the dscs 5 days a week.”