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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to used as daycare whilst on maternity?

237 replies

GoldieF · 28/04/2021 15:32

DH has slipped in conversation today that at least planning summer holiday care for DSC won't be as stressful this year. When I asked what he meant apparently he just thought it was fine to assume I'd look after all the children because I'm off on maternity.

AIBU to say ermm no!

I don't mind and have before, helped out when things have been difficult but I know DH, he's a workaholic who will think this means he doesn't have to take a day off at all.

We have DSC with us 50:50 3 days one week 4 the next so it would be quite a lot and to be quite honest, I don't want to spend my summer and maternity playing daycare for half the week.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/04/2021 20:26

They’re not with you all the time for 6 weeks. Doing a mix of helping out your DH with a few days of largely hands-off childcare or drop offs/pick ups won’t stop you having lunch out with friends or doing baby classes or any of that.

Shelby2010 · 28/04/2021 20:34

YABU

  1. Baby classes don’t usually run during the school holidays.
  2. If OP is married to DH, presumably any money saved on childcare could be spent on other things for the family.
  3. I don’t think there is usually much in the way of kids clubs for 12 yr olds, as they are generally considered old enough to stay home alone. I may be wrong.

However DH does need to book at least a couple of weeks annual leave - either for a family holiday or to entertain his kids at home. Assuming their mother has them half the holiday then this leaves only a week for OP to cover. Remembering that these are her child’s siblings not some randomly.

SwanShaped · 28/04/2021 20:38

I’d do the odd day here or there. But not all the days you both have them.

Xmasbaby11 · 28/04/2021 20:44

Plenty of room for compromise- you could have them 1 or 2 days a week. Dh shouldn't assume but it would be nice to have them sometimes - I would agree some ground rules though, maybe agree what you will or won't be prepared to do with them.

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/04/2021 21:00

Even if you think about doing it for some of the time, find out what he expects you to do with them first.

Make sure it's not ferrying them round, doing something 'exciting' for the days etc. Tell him they'll be expected to entertain themselves.

Lorw · 28/04/2021 21:01

Yanbu. It’s your DH and his ex’s job to sort childcare, please tell me why OP should have to look after them on her maternity leave when both parents normally take annual leave, basically her husband wants to work instead of taking time off with his own children.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/04/2021 21:11

I’m assuming you aren’t my children’s step Mum! Although I wouldn’t be surprised.... It’s the kind of thing my ex would pull - “oh women are resources to make my life easier...”

My children and 7 and 12, but you could have changed that detail Grin Other details match!

If you haven’t guess, I think YANBU! You’re not there to provide child care so that he can avoid looking after his kids or take his AL while they’re at school “for a proper break”...

CoffeeBeansGalore · 28/04/2021 21:13

I don't mind and have before, helped out when things have been difficult but I know DH, he's a workaholic who will think this means he doesn't have to take a day off at all.

^^ This alone says you are not being unreasonable to say no.
Quite honestly, how dare he assume he can commandeer your time. How would he like it if you turned round and told him that the weekend away he'd booked for a specific enjoyable purpose was instead going to consist of him looking after his nieces/nephews because you'd offered him up as available for childcare?
Tell him he & their dm can organise their own annual leave around the kids as usual. You will of course be more than happy to engage in family time WHILST HE IS THERE. You have things that YOU wish to enjoy as a first time mum. You should be able to enjoy your maternity leave with your baby, physically recover and bond, before the hassle of returning to work.

VladmirsPoutine · 28/04/2021 21:20

Helping out in the past when things have been difficult doesn't really bode well. That's not the best way to approach blended families. This is why they are so wrought with problems because even minor things like this become huge sticking points.

GettingItOutThere · 28/04/2021 21:20

@GoldieF

Usually on the holidays DH and ex take AL or their parents help out occasionally too.
and this is exactly what should happen!

Mat leave is precious. Honestly my first i spent the entire time napping it was fking bliss.

you cannot do that with 8 and 12 year olds.

if you have a 2nd then your maternity leave will be a bit more....testing! so enjoy the first

im on your side OP

airforsharon · 28/04/2021 21:35

@ASandwichNamedKevin

I don't think YABU OP but all those saying maternity leave is for bonding with a baby, would you put your own older DC in daycare just so you could bond with the baby? Not many people I know would.

There must be a compromise OP where you have the DSC some of the time to also facilitate their bonding with their little sibling but not that it's a given that you are available all the time, plan it with DH.

I don't think that's a valid comparison tbh. I'm assuming the dsd's mum got to enjoy her maternity leave when they were babies without also having to care for older children - why does OP's DH think she doesn't deserve the same too?
jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 28/04/2021 21:40

I'm going against the majority here and I think you should have them some of the days so they can bond with the baby .

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 21:47

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

I'm going against the majority here and I think you should have them some of the days so they can bond with the baby .
They can bond with their new sibling while their father is off work looking after them.
FizzyApricot · 28/04/2021 21:50

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

I'm going against the majority here and I think you should have them some of the days so they can bond with the baby .
They can bond with the baby while their dad takes care of them. There is no need for contact to change from what it would have been previously. If OP doesn't usually look after them in the holidays then there's no need to start now. Best that the children don't suddenly see it as now the baby is here OP will be doing more supervising.
MyAnacondaMight · 28/04/2021 22:07

Sounds like he should take shared parental leave over the summer holidays, to spend time with all his children.

wingardium8 · 28/04/2021 22:11

Surely holiday camps are more fun than hanging out with SM and baby anyway. Apart from my fortnight AL, my DC spend all summer in them and generally really enjoy it.

Depends on the area of course, round here there’s plenty of different camps for different interests and wildly varying costs so there’s always something suitable but appreciate it may not be the same elsewhere.

I wouldn’t be keen to do all the childcare for DSC regardless. Mat leave is precious, especially your first, and it sounds like your DH would take it as a green light to shirk his responsibilities. Fuck no.

Original poster
GoldieF · 28/04/2021 22:13

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

I'm going against the majority here and I think you should have them some of the days so they can bond with the baby .
They are interested in their baby sibling as much as an 8 and 12yr old could be, this involves a few cuddles every now and then and not much else. I'm not sure what huge bonding sessions could really be expected to be honest. Babies aren't that interesting to kids at that age. It would be more likely that they'd rather sit on their PlayStation all day than spend lots of 'bonding time' with a 5 month old baby.
OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 28/04/2021 22:34

Yanbu. I knew this would be regarding looking after dsc before I even clicked on the thread.

The dsc will bond with their sibling when their father is there to look after them. Normal holiday arrangements for them should carry on as usual. It’s not up to the op to facilitate everything for everyone just because she’s off work.

I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to look after dsc everyday as it changes the dynamics of your time with your baby.

And to the people saying “what would you do if the older children were your own?”, it’s very different, because although yes it would change the dynamics also, for the op she would be parenting her own children, the relationship with her children will be very different, and of course to her personally those moments of them together will be more special.
Their father will experience and make those special moments happen himself when he’s available to parent his own children.

BrieAndChilli · 28/04/2021 22:41

If you have another baby would you put your older one into day care?? I see this as pretty much the same thing. You knew you partner had kids when you got together and so you should have accepted that they were now part of your family and should be treated accordingly.
I don’t have stepkids but if I did and it would help out the family for me to care for them (and it’s not like they are 2/3/4/5 where they need a lot more care and attention) I would.
It will save your DH money which could be used for family days out, the stepkids can bond with the baby, they can look after it while you have a shower or cook dinner etc,

As a compromise you could look at booking them into some sort of activity for one da a week, I’m sure they would like that and would give you a little break.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 22:52

I don’t have stepkids but if I did and it would help out the family for me to care for them (and it’s not like they are 2/3/4/5 where they need a lot more care and attention) I would.

So very very easy to say when you admit it’s something you have no experience of. Not sure what you imagine you’d do in a hypothetical situation is of any use to OP who IS a stepmum, has already helped the parents out before and is now putting boundaries in place. If you’d happily let someone dictate your time to you OP is already in a better place.

funinthesun19 · 28/04/2021 22:59

She did know he had kids. Why use that against her and why is that relevant? She has no obligation to look after them while on maternity leave.

I think the opposite to your suggestion where they go to holiday club once a week. I think IF she decides to help, they go to holiday clubs as the default arrangement and they stay with her once a week instead of the default arrangement being that they stay with her and they go to holiday club once a week.

Weirdfan · 28/04/2021 23:04

How do you think DH will react when you tell him it's not happening OP?

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 28/04/2021 23:04

I think if you can't be arsed with stepchildren then don't marry someone with children.

lockdownalli · 28/04/2021 23:05

@Weirdfan

How do you think DH will react when you tell him it's not happening OP?
Yes, this is the important question.
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 23:09

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