To not want to used as daycare whilst on maternity?

[GoldieF]

DH has slipped in conversation today that at least planning summer holiday care for DSC won't be as stressful this year. When I asked what he meant apparently he just thought it was fine to assume I'd look after all the children because I'm off on maternity.

AIBU to say ermm no!

I don't mind and have before, helped out when things have been difficult but I know DH, he's a workaholic who will think this means he doesn't have to take a day off at all.

We have DSC with us 50:50 3 days one week 4 the next so it would be quite a lot and to be quite honest, I don't want to spend my summer and maternity playing daycare for half the week.

Do the kids want to hang out with you and a baby all day?

I’d probably compromise with either a day or 2 a week with me and the baby. Or one whole week, but they have their normal childcare arrangement the rest of the holidays. But yes he either needs to take time off or book them in holiday club at least part of the time

What a shocking and depressing thread
These children live half their life with the op.
She is supposed to love and care for them ,she is their step mum.
How utterly rediculous that dad has take time of work to look after them in the holidays so op only has to care for a baby ,that the dad is supporting as well.
They are supposed to be a family ,he’s earning ,so you mind the kids as your at home anyway...or go back to work and put them all in childcare / sports clubs .
They are only there half the time ,so the other half mum just gets the baby to herself.
Bizarre thread indeed

He's a CF because he just assumed OP would care for his children. I would expect a husband to discuss with his wife options for summer holiday childcare if all 3 children were theirs, let alone with 2 stepchildren.

I think lots of parents would send an 8yo or 12yo to a sports camp or whatever during some of the day so they weren't stuck at home. It's easier to do that than host them and a friend which might be the normal summer holiday routine.
I wouldn't suggest that OP never looks after them but not 50% of the time.

Presumably Dad normally takes the time off or at least works from home sometimes while the kids play games or whatever.

It's your DH's responsibility, and he shouldn't have just assumed that you would look after them.
But presumably if he pays to put them in a holiday club or takes annual leave to look after them this will not be without consequence for you - either financially as holiday club will mean less money for you to spend as a family, or practically as he will have less leave to take at other times of year. Of course you might still decide that the benefits to you of not having to look after the DSC outweigh those negatives, but I don't think it's as simple as "his children, his problem".

I’d compromise and have them a day or two

I don't think he's BU to ask if the OP will look after his kids while she's on ML. He's absolutely BU to assume she will do it though.

FFS, why do so many people hear Maternity Leave but think it means that the 1950s are back.

Nope, he needs to sort this himself, you should be the very last resort.

The fact that he assumed and didn’t even ask shows he sees you me time as less valuable.

No fucking way!!!

YANBU

His kids, his responsibility. They come to see him.

If the father of the children was single he would be expected to look after them. You don't shirk off parental responsibility when you get a partner.

I think the assuming is the problem.

There’s a big age gap between baby and an 8 and 12 year old, and if OP was planning to hang around at home all summer, it might be no bother if the older kids are largely able to entertain themselves. But that isn’t realistic. Outings would end up being geared to the older children rather than the baby. If the OP was planning to go to baby groups and activities, the older kids would get bored. I think DH needs to plan some childcare/activities to keep the older kids entertained over the summer. Otherwise everyone is going to end up either bored or resentful.

Did he offer to pay you?

"Absolutely loads of people put older children in daycare so they can bond with their baby. It’s standard advice on here"

I don't know anyone who does this.

What usually happens in the school holidays, OP?

I think it’s a bit unreasonable if him to assume you’d cover it, but I also think it’s a bit unreasonable you’d not offer to do a bit, if only because at 12 & 8 they’re hardly taxing to entertain - different if they were 4 & 6, for instance.

You can just facilitate them going to some organised camp activities - 9-3 pick ups and drop offs - some weeks, and have them kicking about the place a bit another week etc. Make sure their dad takes time off when he’d usually do so.

Neither do i. I know people who have their older child at nursery still for a bit of continuity but I don’t know anyone who sends school aged children to holiday clubs to bond with a baby.

Why would you have his kids all day everyday.

If he's not available to have contact with them and is working so can't do childcare he needs to reasses his arrangements with his ex or find a childcare setting for them.

Don't be a mug. They are HIS children.

I think the assumption without discussion is the issue. I’d be surprised if the 12 yo will go to holiday club.

This might be his third child but it's your first.

You're never going to get this time back. Having your first baby is about being able to nap when the baby naps. Attending baby classes and playgroups and making lots of new friends. Hanging out in the park feeding baby and enjoying the sun. Meeting friends for lunch or drinks with a portable baby in its pram that doesn't need to be entertained. Doing new mum fitness classes. Napping when the baby naps. You can't do these things with an 8 and 12 year old in tow. If you have a second child, you'll have to balance a baby and a toddler. Don't let him take this precious time from you because he wants free childcare.

No way, he needs reminding who the parents are.
Has this come as a complete surprise to you, he sounds pretty hands off with your shared child.

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

This might be his third child but it's your first.

You're never going to get this time back. Having your first baby is about being able to nap when the baby naps. Attending baby classes and playgroups and making lots of new friends. Hanging out in the park feeding baby and enjoying the sun. Meeting friends for lunch or drinks with a portable baby in its pram that doesn't need to be entertained. Doing new mum fitness classes. Napping when the baby naps. You can't do these things with an 8 and 12 year old in tow. If you have a second child, you'll have to balance a baby and a toddler. Don't let him take this precious time from you because he wants free childcare.

This is how I feel tbh.

It's all well and good saying 'they can entertain themselves' or 'just facilitate a few activities' but to be quite honest I don't want to spend my time sat inside with two kids entertaining themselves of doing drop offs and pick ups etc...

I have baby classes and things booked with some friends who have similar aged babies and things, I want to enjoy the time doing things like this and not being restricted to older child suitable activities or having to drag them along to things they aren't interested in.

Usually on the holidays DH and ex take AL or their parents help out occasionally too.

I have baby classes and things booked with some friends who have similar aged babies and things, I want to enjoy the time doing things like this and not being restricted to older child suitable activities or having to drag them along to things they aren't interested in.

So on the days you’re doing those things your DH arranges the usual childcare or whatever. I do think you’re being unreasonable not to agree to facilitate activities or cover a few days throughout the holidays.

Presumably his ex will still have take AL anyway so that’s none of your concern.

Presumably he's responsible for covering 2/3 days a week, and his ex the other half of the school week?

I'd offer to have them 1 day a week.