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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking childrens money

235 replies

Sj2344 · 28/04/2021 09:41

Hi, my husband keeps taking money out of our childrens money boxes/wallets. Sometimes he puts it back other times he doesn't. I have asked him not to do it but he still does! I'm not sure what to do

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 28/04/2021 13:41

@Sj2344

It's just crap that I have to hide it away and say to the kids make sure it's kept out of sight. It's there money. You should be able to leave it out and no one touch it.
That's the crux of it really. I couldn't live like that.

What do your kids say to him?

Dobbyisahouseelf · 28/04/2021 13:41

Borrowing a few coins for the car park is one thing but your DH is stealing money from his own children how despicable.

Open proper bank accounts for the oldest children, they can have a debit card. I think my DD had a children's saving account with a building society from the age of 7 so perhaps something similar for the younger ones and make sure you are the sole signatory.

I personally wouldn't keep cash in the house if money is being taken. Not sure what this says about your relationship to be honest but only you can answer that.

DogsSausages · 28/04/2021 13:44

Short term you could buy the kids lockable money boxes, they come in all sorts of colours and designs, and either they wear the key or you keep it and lockable wallets for the older ones. It doesnt solve the issue that he is a thief but it keeps their money safe.

CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 13:45

My grandad (mum's dad) did this to her and I believe her 2 younger half sisters too.

Always said he'd put it back but didn't.

ended up flogging her expensive German china toy dolls without telling her when she'd left home too which had been sent to her at Christmas and birthdays from relatives in Germany.

I personally think all of it is disgusting.

This person in this scenario needs to pay it back as it's stealing. from your own kids.

Babygotblueyes · 28/04/2021 13:46

What does he say when you tell him it is not on and that he is a thief?

IReallyNeedMoreGin · 28/04/2021 13:50

Omg the ExH used to do that all the time to our 2 kids. They'd had stacks of money between birthdays, Christmas, Easter and pocket money. He was forever dipping into it for all sorts of reasons....beer, cigarettes, general spends.

Couldn't afford to pay it back as he was up to his eyeballs in debt. I quite often had to pay it back.

In the end I opened up savings accounts that he had no access to. Even when we split up I'd transfer the kids pocket money into bank accounts and they had their own cards for. If I'd have given them cash he'd have 'borrowed' that too!

Seriously, get everything in the bank!

AmberItsACertainty · 28/04/2021 13:51

@Sj2344

We do have money as it's in a joint account, which is our only account, it's like more wants more if that makes sense. He opened a bank account to his parents address and had his mom put money in there on several occasions, I didn't know but found out later. He says he has closed it now
Like hell he's closed it! OP it's time to separate your finances. Joint account for the bills (which should include the children's needs) only. Wages paid into your own accounts and a proportion transferred into the joint account each month from both of your wages accounts. If you think he's not stealing from you too, you're deluded. I can't see this relationship continuing TBH. How long will it be before he "forgets" to transfer his share from his wages leaving you to pay all the bills. He's no good.
WeAllHaveWings · 28/04/2021 13:53

@Sj2344

I think he said that he thinks I'm looking for a way out of the relationship and he took the money to see if I was checking up on him, I don't check the money boxes but i had noticed one had moved
You do know you don't need there to be a reason for "a way out" of the relationship.

This environment and telling your children they need to hide their money from dad as he will steal it is damaging to your children.

Him testing you is damaging to you.

Why are you putting up with this?

Doorhandleghost · 28/04/2021 13:53

My daughter’s dad takes the money from his kids’ birthday/Xmas cards and thinks it’s fine. Even thinks it’s funny! He claimed to be counting it up and saving it for them but every time my dd has asked for some he’s said no. He’s also taken an kept money I’ve given my dd for a day out - bought her a cheap lolly with £10 and kept the change. Let’s put it on the list of reasons he is an ex.

I now use one of my current accounts for her money. She’s allowed to take the card if she’s going out for the day (most of the time it’s with me, and I can block it on the app if she were to lose it). I (and she) can see on the app what’s been spent and when, so if he were to take it and spend on it she’d know. She puts all her money in the bank. Not had an issue since.

If he won’t stop then you need to take steps to make sure he can’t do it again!

freecuthbert · 28/04/2021 13:55

My three month old has a money tin at her nan's house, and her nan tops this up with change as and when which quickly adds up. I've also added to this when I have change, but I have a pot online I started while pregnant which I add to monthly as well. Her nan occasionally takes a pound coin out of the tin for the trolley when shopping, this obviously gets put back later that same day, which doesn't bother me. But what your husband is doing is awful, taking money as and when like it's his own personal pot, and not even replacing it half the time! It's bad enough when they're young, but even worse with a 15 year old. It is stealing, which not only disappoints the kids particularly when they are saving for a goal, but it also teaches them this behaviour is acceptable. As other previous posters have said, hide the tins/padlock them, and also open online accounts, especially for the 15 year old, he could do with a debit card.

If your husband is struggling for money, it's time to budget and put aside what you can for an emergency fund, so you have something to dip into when needed. I'm the only earner in my household, but I'm on SMP right now so know first hand what it's like when money is tight. But I would never take from my child! I think if needs be, ask to borrow from your teen but always put this back, however it is something I would still discourage as not fair on the teen. If it's not a financial issue, then I'm sorry but I think it's even worse that he's taking from them!

ouchyouchyow · 28/04/2021 13:58

Bank accounts

diddl · 28/04/2021 13:59

When so many places take debit/credit cards it seems unlikely that he needs the actual cash.

So why does he do it?

It's so disrespectful!

DogsSausages · 28/04/2021 13:59

I would also only put your share of the bills into the joint account, set up your own account which he cannot access.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/04/2021 14:00

Haven't read the whole thread - sorry - but could you buy them lockable money boxes, and you could have the keys for the younger ones' boxes, and the older one/s could have the keys themselves (and you have a spare) - so he cannot steal from them any more.

I might also be encouraging them to take money from his wallet - see how he likes it when the boot is on the other foot!

CaptainMerica · 28/04/2021 14:08

Hmm, I was ready to say YABU. I occasionally raid piggy banks for change for parking, etc. However, I never actually take money out when the kids "spend" it in the shops either. DC1 has £7 in there which he has spent 5 times now. They are too young to care regardless.

That just sounds like stealing.

PrincessFiorimonde · 28/04/2021 14:09

Like diddl, I was wondering why he 'needs' actual cash when so many outlets accept cards.

MadWithFootballToo · 28/04/2021 14:16

I might also be encouraging them to take money from his wallet - see how he likes it when the boot is on the other foot!
Not sure it really is a good idea, however tempting, but I'd love your DC15 to slip £10 from his wallet to see what his reaction would be with the retort being "it was a test to see if he was checking up" 🤣

Toilenstripes · 28/04/2021 14:29

He’s a scum bag. Literally stealing from children, his own children because he’s not able to manage his own money. What kind of adult does this?

PandemicAtTheDisco · 28/04/2021 14:47

My mother took money from my piggy bank and from my sister's bank savings account. She only did it a few times. She didn't pay me back but was generous enough to let me keep the last £20. She paid some back to my sister only when my sister kicked up a huge fuss.

I think it was a good lesson to learn. She would 'lend' our stuff without permission. It would get broken or never returned. She was very generous with other people's property.

The same was done to her when she was a child and she was upset by it but she has never understood that she put us in the same position and we weren't happy either. We were being selfish in not letting others use our stuff and we should want to help others out.

We have other issues with boundaries in all our relationships and this has followed us into adulthood.

billy1966 · 28/04/2021 14:48

That is so grim.

Your poor children.

What a shocking excuse of a man.

Really unbelievable.

Only on MN.🙄

GillBungalow · 28/04/2021 14:49

Steals from his children and sponges off his mother.
What a prince.

1WayOrAnother2 · 28/04/2021 15:05

How does he behave when people 'borrow' his things?

(If you were taking his cigarettes but not smoking them - would that be fine?)

You don't need a reason to leave him. I guess you have reasons to stay but his attitude to your children (and you) would certainly make me re-think the relationship.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 28/04/2021 15:08

A friend who's son I had given a decent sum of money to at birth told me years later that all gifts to her son go in the 'family coffers'. Bloody thief.

Sparrowfeeder · 28/04/2021 15:11

What about your money op?

You need your own bank account that he cannot access.

I worked in a bank when I was younger and saw so many women in tears because their stbex had rinsed the joint account leaving them with nothing. Don’t be that woman. This guy is stealing from his kids, he is surely stealing from you (or wouldn’t hesitate to if things got rocky).