Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking childrens money

235 replies

Sj2344 · 28/04/2021 09:41

Hi, my husband keeps taking money out of our childrens money boxes/wallets. Sometimes he puts it back other times he doesn't. I have asked him not to do it but he still does! I'm not sure what to do

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 28/04/2021 12:36

The alternative is that your kids give the money to you, they have a notebook or similar keeping track of the balance and then you give it back or pay for things when they want to spend it.

itslategotosleep · 28/04/2021 12:39

My mum used to do this to me as a teenager. I had a weekend job which paid cash and she always used to leave a note saying ‘IOU however much’ and then it was only when I went to to go to town for the day that I would realise it was gone. She would also take months to repay and then give me it back in shipping vouchers!! which were useless to me for what I would spend my earned money on.
It’s a disgrace and I actually used to use my earned money to buy myself things she should have been purchasing for me anyways or for my dinner money for school or transport/ necessary clothing/ school trips.
It was a horrible feeling, I was very happy when I got a bank account but as sometimes I just wanted £5 to spend it was awkward to try and withdraw.
I think you need to tell him to not touch it at all. It is theft and it is not his money. Hiding it from him doesn’t solve the root of the problem. How upsetting for your 15 year old who will be more than aware. He sounds like a bully.

tribpot · 28/04/2021 12:41

The oldest one I think will have a debit card. You will have to hide that from your DH as well, it isn't reasonable to expect your ds to refuse to tell him what the PIN is if he's put under pressure to do so.

Taking money from your children is bad enough, but taking money from your child that they have been saving up for a specific purpose is next level.

Embroideredstars · 28/04/2021 12:45

We keep the cash but have the boys' bank on the fridge, where the totals are kept. Usually their purchases are online
either shopping or xbox so it's easily paid by our credit card and the amount deducted but it is in their full knowledge and they're quite accepting of it.

I did take £2 from youngest's money box as needed coins the other day and he wasnt there to ask but added it to the fridge totals.

Meruem · 28/04/2021 12:48

I had a dad like this. He once “borrowed” money I saved up from working all summer long in a B&B. I was only 14 and he never paid me back. I could never have anything with him around.

For years I was messed up with money. I learnt the lesson “spend it quick before someone takes it from you”, which isn’t the best way to handle money!

I will tell you one positive though, I have never been screwed over financially in a relationship and would never date someone who didn’t pay their way. I am very acutely aware of “sponging” men and I vowed after my dad, no one else would do it to me.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 28/04/2021 12:49

My kids had visa debit cards from year 7. They can use this to buy stuff like PlayStation topups as it's Visa.

They have separate savings accounts that they don't touch.

Changechangychange · 28/04/2021 12:50

DS has had a building society savings account since he was born. Your eldest can have a current account, though I expect your DH would just empty it if he got his hands in the card.

This would be a complete dealbreaker for me. Does he steal from you too? How can your children trust that anything of theirs is safe? Would he sell their bikes or clothes if he wanted something for himself? Would he steal his mum’s pension, or sell your wedding ring when he is short of money for cigarettes?

You live with a thief. I’m not clear if he has a substance abuse problem, or if he is just a thieving little scrote, but either way I couldn’t live with him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/04/2021 12:52

I have set up bank accounts for the children now

That was sensible but it's not really the entire point is it?

You've said you want to protect the DCs, but with the account at his parents' address and his abusive gaslighting there's a lot going on here in addition to the stealing and they're being taught that it's all "just something dad does"

It's your decision of course, but I'd strongly advise making plans to leave before the DCs start down this path too

FeatheredHope · 28/04/2021 12:54

I’m very concerned that you even needed to ask if this was ok.
Your husband steals from his own children and is difficult and argumentative when called on it. How is your relationship and family dynamics in general because this is really not a good sign...

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 28/04/2021 12:55

Totally unacceptable.

Get them number code or lockable money boxes that he can't open.

mam0918 · 28/04/2021 12:55

Stealing is wrong... does that have to be said, it doesnt matter how old, young or the reason.

(yes I get that struggling to keep a roof over everyones head is more important than to get your nails done but both are still stealing if you dont have permission or replace it ASAP)

DeRigueurMortis · 28/04/2021 12:58

Glad you've got the accounts set up OP.

It's really shitty behaviour from your DH not just because it's theft but because of the contempt it shows to his children about how much he values what belongs to them.

Have you asked him how does he think he'd broach a conversation in the future if one of the children had stolen money from his wallet? What example he's setting them?

The other factor given much of this is birthday/Christmas money is that it also disrespects the people who gave it to the children. They gave money for them to buy/save for something nice, not to fund his nicotine addiction.

So just as a further suggestion I'd tell family not to send cash in the future but to electronically transfer the money to the children's account (or you pocket the cash and do the transfer).

I must admit I'd really struggle to get past this in a relationship. I think it would be hard line for me - stop it or it's over.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 28/04/2021 13:03

God this is so so sad to read OP. Your husband is bloody horrible.
What a bastard stealing from his own children.
I would be looking into divorce for such a thing.

RowanAlong · 28/04/2021 13:07

Yep that’s not really on. I bet the 15 year old objects, especially if it’s birthday money! Get them boxes with combination locks or keys 🤣

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/04/2021 13:09

The other factor given much of this is birthday/Christmas money is that it also disrespects the people who gave it to the children

You're absolutely right, but since he treats his own children with such disdain I suspect this would be unlikely to worry him

I like your idea of asking relatives to do bank transfers, but doubt it'll happen - because that would make the issue more widely known, and if OP's family are decent people they'd probably have quite a lot to say about this

RedcurrantPuff · 28/04/2021 13:11

What does he say when you tell him to stop doing it?

Ellie56 · 28/04/2021 13:12

Dear God this is all kinds of wrong. Your children are growing up knowing they have to hide money because Daddy is a thieving git who can't be trusted.

Bananalanacake · 28/04/2021 13:12

I'm assuming he works. Do you think he has a gambling problem or are you sure it's mainly cigarettes.

roguetomato · 28/04/2021 13:16

I mean it's really is a bad role model for your dcs. They might learn to think it's ok to take things from others. It's not right at all. It's sad but you needs to keep it somewhere safe so he can't tough it.

Fizzwizzfozz · 28/04/2021 13:22

If you can't leave your money unattended in your own home with your parents and siblings then where the F can you leave it?

Maggiesfarm · 28/04/2021 13:26

@Fizzwizzfozz

If you can't leave your money unattended in your own home with your parents and siblings then where the F can you leave it?
I agree.

I wonder how dad would feel if the kids helped themselves to his cash and neglected to repay it.

However the op has now set up accounts for them. They will presumably still have a bit of cash in the house and that must remain hidden. Unfortunately.

MumW · 28/04/2021 13:29

The deceit, the stealing, the minimising, the lack of respect - all huge red flags in my book.

LannieDuck · 28/04/2021 13:30

If he doesn't think it's stealing... would he be ok with the kids taking money out of his wallet without asking?

grapewine · 28/04/2021 13:36

How do the children feel about their dad stealing from them? How are they supposed to trust him at all. That's so messed up!

needsahouseboy · 28/04/2021 13:37

My dad did this to my siblings and I. It actually had quite a negative effect on all of us, more than you’d think.
It’s disrespectful and stealing. It’s also telling your children that they are worth less than him and they are not valued.
I’d leave, no way would I ever stay with someone like this.
If I need a bit of cash and I haven’t got any, I ask my son and he gets it straight back next time I go out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread