Do you think you would have been just as happy in life if you didn't have children?

[merrynelly]

I always thought I wouldn't be truly happy in life if I didn't have children. I am absolutely obsessed with my baby and would do absolutely anything for him. He gives my life so much meaning and purpose. However I do now feel that actually, I could've still been really happy had I not had my baby. That being said I am confident I am happier for having him.

I have a baby. He wasn’t a planned aspect of my life but along he came anyway. And I adore him and am so glad he’s here. But I’m not obsessed with him, he doesn’t define me, he’s just joining me on the journey I was taking anyway.

And I hope to raise a well-rounded man who has lots of wonderful experiences growing up but who has a healthy sense of self and of others and with no sense of entitlement.

Happy is the wrong word. I might have felt lonely and unmoored. My family is scattered across the world. I only have one sibling who is thousands of miles away. My friends have come and gone because I have moved around a lot. I have wfh for most of my life. Without my children, there would have been very few meaningful and lasting relationships in my life.

I think that hilariousnamehere is spot on. I was always ambivalent about having children. Then when it was discovered that there were fertility issues, and my chances of getting pregnant were slim, and having a successful pregnancy were even more slim, I just thought “Oh well”, and spent my life doing things that just weren’t compatible with having children.

I can’t imagine how it must feel to absolutely yearn for children as I have never, ever had that feeling. I think being an adult for over 20 years before I had DD meant that I found the transition from being my own boss to being at the beck and call of a tiny baby very, very hard. I had a fulfilling life and never had an empty space that I thought had to be filled by a baby.

being a parent isn’t the be all and end all, nor is it the only way to have a fulfilling life

And I agree with this ^^

The expression you are only as happy as your unhappiest child resonates with me. DD has given me plenty to worry about. She needed life saving surgery at only a few weeks old, and has had physical and mental health issues for most of her life.

I feel sorry for women who feel that their only purpose in life is to have children. I often read on higher education forums about women who spend the entire summer sobbing at the thought of their child(ren) going away to university. I think this is unhealthy. I miss DD when she is away, but she has a much wider friendship group and supportive friends at university, and I am happy that she is happy. Because that is what we ultimately want for our children isn’t it? For them to be happy and fulfilled.

I think during my 'clock ticking' years when I was very broody I would have been desperately sad without children but once that phase had passed I would have had a very happy life. However I'm a cup half full person who generally looks on the bright side and makes the best of things.

If there was a way of assessing the demographic of responders to this thread I think it would be revealing.

If you’ve been a single mother, had a child with poor health, struggled financially, a disabled child, no support .....your answers will be very different to someone with children under 13 who is happily married, nice home etc.

Children are for life not just for early years and a lot can happen in that lifetime. They are a pathway into your heart which leaves you either very happy and fulfilled but also very vulnerable to the deep grief that is the opposite of that.

No. I always wanted children - as a child I made up stories and daydreamed constantly of my 'family', personified by 5 knitted dolls my Nan made for me - obviously it wasn't like that when I had my non-knitted DDs and there have certainly been ups and downs - both have had periods of MH issues which have brought stresses.

But I loved having small children (I went on to work with them for years) and now my DDs are adults in their 30s and 40s we have some wonderful times together, making music, holidays, shopping trips, theatre, walks. I don't just love them, I like them better than anyone except DH. So no, unequivocally I wouldn't have been so happy in life had I not had children.

In many ways, my life would have been happier and stable, especially as I spend so much time now regretting decisions I made as a mum. But on the other hand, I know I would have spent so much time yearning to have a baby.

No. They're my life

No way. I adore my children and always knew I wanted them. I genuinely think they are lovely people and I enjoy spending time with them.

No I wouldn't have been as happy because I always wanted children so would have definitely felt something was missing

I would have always wondered what life would be if I had had kids. I think I would have enjoyed having more money and holidays but felt regret eventually. DD can be hard work sometimes but she also brings me a lot of happiness. I think there would be less to cheer me up without her

I think I might have been happier if I hadn't had children.
But there's no way of knowing for sure.

I have 2 children and they make me the happiest I have ever been. I do believe you can be truly happy without children too, you will have more money and time for relationships and hobbies etc. But for me my children are the very essence of my happiness, I even love all the day to day parts of parenting! (As I type this my 1 year old is literally screaming at the breakfast table to watch Cocomelon and I'm still happy!)

@Whoopsies

I have 2 children and they make me the happiest I have ever been. I do believe you can be truly happy without children too, you will have more money and time for relationships and hobbies etc. But for me my children are the very essence of my happiness, I even love all the day to day parts of parenting! (As I type this my 1 year old is literally screaming at the breakfast table to watch Cocomelon and I'm still happy!)

See this is definitely not me. I have found many aspects of being a parent very hard. I can also remember many many times of being this happy in my past. So many great years! But I absolutely love my children with all my heart and really genuinely love their company (some of the time).

I had five years of infertility, so considered carefully how we could build a happy life without children. And no, I would not have been happy if we hadn’t had children - I would have had happy times, obviously, but I would have felt empty overall.

Obviously if people don’t actually want children, that is different. But if you do and can’t have them, there is always a gap in your heart.

I think it is quite possible to be happy without children but you do need to have a fulfilling purpose in life. I know people who were unable to have children but their lives have been amazing, very unselfish yet extremely rewarding. They realised that one door had closed but another opened and they embraced opportunities as they came up, definitely have no regrets now.

I might have been happier - 5 years of SEN challenges has done me

No

No I would have constantly wondered what it would be like and I'd probably have felt some regret.

No. I realise this might not be the case for everyone but my children have helped me to grow up. I think if I hadn't had them I would still be quite a self absorbed undeveloped person.

@Tiddleypoms and @FedNlanders I feel the same. Loved the babies and the younger years, family fun, laughing, fun holidays all together.

Late teens and young adulthood is like a hard slog in comparison. MH issues, drink, smoking, drugs, 2 of them driving cars 😳, their relationships, police, fear of the future, the job market, leaving home, arguments, "you don't understand me". Etc etc. It gets you down. I am now pretty much a doormat it feels at times. Bowing to their whims to make them HAPPY whilst sacrificing my own happiness and secretly looking to when they leave home for good so I can have a bit of peace and a semblance of my own life back. 😢 DH feels the same. We are just a bit "over" parenting now after 20 years of it. We want camper vans, travel, sophistication etc, our own life and it feels so selfish and wrong to feel that.

I do know they love me loads though and tell me often so that's one good thing. I would still die for them but I long for my child free future.

I think I would have always felt vaguely envious of pregnant women and there would be a lot of “what if...” thoughts. I felt happy pre baby but also kind of yearning for a challenge, the next chapter.

In reality the next chapter with a baby has been really hard work at times but I am so proud of her and proud to be her mummy. I feel like watching her grow will give purpose to my life in a way I lacked before.

No.
Children can be hard work and a worry - they do say that the only time you stop worrying about your children is when you’re dead - but they usually bring great joy, too. And later, if you’re lucky, the joy of grandchildren, too.

I can’t imagine never having had our two. Of course we’d have been a lot richer but never once have I wished we hadn’t had them on that account.

@Ohnomoreno

Yes. I often struggle to deal with the fact that my whole life happiness now depends on their safety, forever.

This ^

Although I think I would have regretted not having them, as soon as one of my seemingly fine teens became mentally unwell my life has changed beyond recognition. The stress and worry is off the scale and I know it will remain with me forever now, on top of all the usual parenting worries.

Its very hard to answer this question. Ten years ago I would have said I wish I hadn't but now they are teenagers I love it 💁‍♂️