Page 11 | Do you think you would have been just as happy in life if you didn't have children?

merrynelly · 2021-04-27T21:27:23+00:00

I always thought I wouldn't be truly happy in life if I didn't have children. I am absolutely obsessed with my baby and would do absolutely anything for him. He gives my life so much meaning and purpose. However I do now feel that actually, I could've still been really happy had I not had my baby. That being said I am confident I am happier for having him.

Crayfishforyou · 01/05/2021 09:02

Nope.
I wouldn’t have my pets, the job I love, discovered gardening, my hobbies or the lovely home I have made.
I would still be doing my hateful old job, in a city I didn’t like, in a flat that never felt like home. I doubt I would still be with DH.
I’d be on a fuck ton of antidepressants too.

Plus dd is awesome and the centre of my universe.

Shinesun14 · 01/05/2021 10:15

"Centre of my universe"

I wonder if thats the difference between those who say yes and those that say no. I am quite a selfish person in some ways, because of my childhood and maybe its just my personality. I love my dc, I really do, but they've never been the centre of my universe. I've always made sure their needs are met and I'm not a cold hearted mum, but I have never centred my life around them. I feel quite guilty for working ft and studying ft to get a professional job when they were younger and justified it as creating a better life for all of us, but actually I loved studying and working and like I've said before meeting their emotional needs is a conscious effort for me.

bluebeck · 01/05/2021 10:16

No. Absolutely not.

RedcurrantPuff · 01/05/2021 10:23

@Shinesun14

"Centre of my universe"

I wonder if thats the difference between those who say yes and those that say no. I am quite a selfish person in some ways, because of my childhood and maybe its just my personality. I love my dc, I really do, but they've never been the centre of my universe. I've always made sure their needs are met and I'm not a cold hearted mum, but I have never centred my life around them. I feel quite guilty for working ft and studying ft to get a professional job when they were younger and justified it as creating a better life for all of us, but actually I loved studying and working and like I've said before meeting their emotional needs is a conscious effort for me.

Same here.

I also don’t find motherhood “the most rewarding thing I’ve e ever done” or particularly “fulfilling” as most people seem to.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 01/05/2021 10:27

cant turn back the clock

Mumoblue · 01/05/2021 10:32

No. Or if I was it would be a different kind of happy.
I had a difficult journey to have my son, and for a while I was deeply concerned that I would never be able to have kids. If that was the case I would have adopted, but in an alternate reality in which I ended up with no kids somehow, I think I would have found happiness but I would be sad not to have had kids. But that’s just me. I love kids. I’ve worked with them and I have lots of younger siblings so I had a very clear idea of what parenting actually entails.

OrangeRug · 01/05/2021 10:33

I was so desperate for a baby - it took over my life. I had a miscarriage before I conceived DD and I was convinced it would just happen again and I'd never be a mother. I had a very high risk pregnancy because I have T1 diabetes and my placenta started to fail at 27 weeks. She came close to being stillborn so you can imagine how elated I was when she was born alive and healthy albeit premature.
BUT...being a mother has made me utterly fucking miserable. I would die for her but I am not cut out for motherhood.
So to answer your question I think if I'd been one of those (lucky, imo) people who have no urge to procreate then I would have been far happier. But in my previous state of longing I would have been miserable had I not had her. Catch 22 really.

BabyYoda · 01/05/2021 10:36

Yes, we were on the fence about having kids then it just happened without us ever making a conscious decision. I am quite a selfish person though.

Love my kids and glad I had them though, just think I also would have had a nice childfree life.

thelegohooverer · 01/05/2021 10:41

It’s not exactly that my children make me happy, but that they brought me a huge sense of perspective that was missing from my life. They ground me.

They give me a reason to work hard on my mental health and I think, without them, it’s likely that I would have self destructed.

I’m not advocating that as a reason for having dc. The worries and anxieties I have about them drown out other worries.

So, on a personal level, I’m happier. But I’m also envious of people who are childfree by choice.

Slothkin · 01/05/2021 11:43

I don’t have and will never have children and that instinct for me is about being a good Auntie/godmum. Although I must admit I’m happy to hand them back!

Coldwine75 · 01/05/2021 11:44

No way, children make life full

OhWhyNot · 01/05/2021 11:46

No

From childhood i always had an emptiness feeling until I had ds

RampantIvy · 01/05/2021 11:50

@Coldwine75

No way, children make life full

For you. My life was full and fulfilling before DD was born. It is a different kind of full now.

sunshinesontv · 01/05/2021 12:47

"I love my dc, I really do, but they've never been the centre of my universe. I've always made sure their needs are met and I'm not a cold hearted mum, but I have never centred my life around them."

I would describe my dc as the centre of my universe. They are the most important thing in my life, and the source of much pride. I don't have a partner so maybe that makes a difference. Also, as all of mine are grown up, I feel proud of their achievements in a way that I haven't replicated elsewhere - I feel proud of my own achievements at work and with some of my hobbies, but nothing like what I feel about single-handed ly raising such amazing people. I feel that I could live without every other area of my life if I had to, but not them.

CounsellorTroi · 01/05/2021 13:15

Nope.
I wouldn’t have my pets, the job I love, discovered gardening, my hobbies or the lovely home I have made.
I would still be doing my hateful old job, in a city I didn’t like, in a flat that never felt like home. I doubt I would still be with DH.
I’d be on a fuck ton of antidepressants too.

You can't know this is how your life would have turned out.

amusedbush · 01/05/2021 13:27

I don't have or want children. In fact, there are few things in life I want less than a child!

I like my life and having the freedom to do what I want. I have a dog that I adore but sometimes I even regret tying myself down so much to a pet, so being a mother is definitely not for me.

I'm sure if I had a baby I would love him/her wholeheartedly but it's not a life I want.

RedcurrantPuff · 01/05/2021 13:32

@sunshinesontv

"I love my dc, I really do, but they've never been the centre of my universe. I've always made sure their needs are met and I'm not a cold hearted mum, but I have never centred my life around them."

I would describe my dc as the centre of my universe. They are the most important thing in my life, and the source of much pride. I don't have a partner so maybe that makes a difference. Also, as all of mine are grown up, I feel proud of their achievements in a way that I haven't replicated elsewhere - I feel proud of my own achievements at work and with some of my hobbies, but nothing like what I feel about single-handed ly raising such amazing people. I feel that I could live without every other area of my life if I had to, but not them.

I think this is more how I feel. I feel my life is improved by them as they get older. My eldest is 15 and he’s a fantastic guy. I can’t wait to see how he turns out.

Sbfksh374 · 01/05/2021 13:57

I don't really know. If I try to imagine life without them I feel it would be very empty and I have no idea what me and husband would do together at weekends etc because my life 100% revolves around my kids. I'm sure we would have been OK but I remember feeling as if something was missing and having 2 kids has definitely made me feel complete and fulfilled.
But it's the intensity that I don't like. There is no break from it. The constant worry. I absolutely hate the school side of things. It annoys me alot doing all the pointless projects etc and the past year of homeschooling I have found hellish and regretted having my kids every day during that which filled me with huge guilt. My eldest also has mental health issues and it's a constant worry for me.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 01/05/2021 14:12

Yes I think I would have been, I'd certainly be well travelled! Eaten at lovely restaurants and probably be slim and have a great social life.

AliasGrape · 01/05/2021 14:12

No.
If I’d not had the overwhelming desire to have children and be a mother, and struggled with infertility which made me more obsessed, then I absolutely think I could have had an equally happy and fulfilling life. More so even.

I had a wonderful full life before dd in many ways, loved my career, further study, amazing friends, close family, dog I adore, travel, books, music etc.

But that absolute craving to be a mum was always there. It’s a big part of why I ended up with my DH - he wanted the same thing and I knew what a good dad he would be. As we got closer to being too old with no success ttc/ fertility treatment I did try to start imagining my life without ever having children, and I think it could still have been happy but I definitely felt it would need to change quite significantly in order for me to be able to be happy.

Very very happily DD came along. I’m happy in a way I never thought possible even though it’s hard, I’m knackered, and physically and mentally I took a bit of a battering (postnatal anxiety for one thing).

Long winded way of saying - I think it’s perfectly possible to live a happy and truly fulfilled life without children but I don’t think I personally would have been anything like as happy.

ThePlantsitter · 01/05/2021 14:16

It's too hard for me to separate the idea of the amazing people I created not existing if I hadn't had children from the theoretical idea of life without ever having known them for me to answer this question I think.

OhToBeASeahorse · 01/05/2021 14:17

Right now motherhood is drowning me. So yes. I do think I could have been as happy

WhatElseCouldIDo · 01/05/2021 14:18

Yes - assuming we were childless by choice. From what I’ve read on here infertility scars people and presumably you would always have that ‘what if’ (I hope that doesn’t offend anyone who has suffered from infertility).
DH and I have been together since we were 16 and are both now 61. Our two DS’s have left home and it’s just the two of us again after 30+ years. We were happy to have our children but they were never the be all and end all, we always had other stuff in our lives.

CounsellorTroi · 01/05/2021 14:45

Yes - assuming we were childless by choice. From what I’ve read on here infertility scars people and presumably you would always have that ‘what if’ (I hope that doesn’t offend anyone who has suffered from infertility).

I'm not childfree by choice, at least I wasn't originally. I think it's the going through infertility and IVF that has scarred me, not the fact I never had children. I'm at peace with that and enjoying my life as it is.

GrizzlebumsMum · 01/05/2021 14:49

Yes. I think I may have been happier.

I was never particularly maternal. Happy being the Auntie they all adored. But I was suffering from depression and everyone kept telling me that the reason for my depression was because I was nearly 40 and didn’t have children.

Four years and a toddler in his terrible twos later, I’m even more depressed, sleep deprived to the point where I can feel my brain dying off, and have no idea who or what I am any more. I have no life, no flexibility, no freedom (made worse by Covid, granted). I love my little boy but being a mum isn’t for me.

My advice to anyone who isn’t sure would be don’t do it.